Forums > Introductions > My Diary. (Feel free to comment)

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
Monday 16th August



This week has been spent doing very little. Feeling sorry for myself, obviously, and looking afer the girls. My dad's very helpful at that kind of thing. Lots of trips to the park etc.



I should mention that having arrived in Lewes and spoken to Mojo (see above) i went out for a drink with my friend Joe. He lives here and works as a chef in one the posh local restaurants but is on the same degree course as me down in Falmouth. We sank a couple of pints and i blagged a guitar of a very nice lady in the pub and sang a couple of tunes. Just for the hell of it.



Monday night was marginally better. I spent over two hours on the phone to a very nice HoP lady, who cheered me up a great deal.



[Side note: My mum, an avid reader of this thread, is considering starting to spin poi. Apparently, her grandmother used to do club swinging, and was very good at it too! Spinning is in my blood! Yay!]



Unfortunately, as i already mentioned, i relapsed and phoned Mojo monday night.



Tuesday the kids and i hopped on the train to Brighton and went to visit the truly wonderful folks at Firetoys. Not only did they sell me a first class stick, but they were more than patient with the girls and even gave them a juggling ball each. None of yer crap either, they're little bean balls that light up! Cool and groovy.



My stepmother then took the kids off to have dinner, and i jumped back on the train to Brighton and went to the Level to have a spin. The rain was near torrential, as i guess it has been in most parts of the country (especially poor old Boscastle, one of my favourite places to go busking) and there were only about 6 or 7 others there. Also, i was the only one with Poi. Which was nice. As it got dark the local pissheads turned up, and in true Brighton fashion they turned up with a guitar and a clarinet and gave us some tunes to spin to. All good fun.



Then the skies opened and i got soaked to the skin running back up the hill to get the train back to Lewes. Hehehe. Spinning in the rain.



Got back, had a bath, went to bed.



Wednesday 18th August.



Got up. Bimbled about. Blah blah. Took the kids to the park. Met a nice guy called Ricardo who runs the local open air swimming pool. Had a spliff with him (my only one all week; damn, where are all the Lewes dealers?) and then took the kids home. Fed them, put them to bed and vegged til dad got home. Then headed out for a spin on my own. I met a bunch of random kids in the park, one of whom (a reasonably attractive young lady) span poi a little. She also made lots of suggestive eye gestures at me, but i smiled politely and declined her offer of going on somewhere else and went back to dads. Spent a couple of hours on the HoP and went to bed.



Thursday 19th August.



Got up and dad had already taken the kids to the park. They're getting spoilt rotten this week, ice cream every day! Dad went to work and i fed the kids dinner, then rang Mojo. Turns out my suspicions (as usual) were bang on. She's been shagging Jim again. Visions of smacking him in the face with an iron and cutting his cock off with a pair of garden shears. Can't believe i trusted such a callous little f*ck. I had a think, and as far as i can remember only one girl in my life hasn't gone off with one of my friends afterwards. Maybe i should get uglier friends.



She refuses to say "I love you", but when i ask "do you love me?" she says yes. I accused her of trying to forget about me and she burst into tears, saying "How could i ever forget about you?" See, it's things like that that give me hope, however naive and stupid that may seem to the outside observer. (by which i mean you )



I said i'd call her back later (we'd been talking for nearly 2 hours) and went to bath the kids and put them in bed. I then chatted on the phone to yet another charming HoP lady (they're all charming! ) and that too cheered me up. Went out and span in the park for a bit, got wet for the third night in the row, but managed the half matrix repeatedly. Wish i'd got Ben to show me the full matrix. Got back to dad's and spent another couple of hours on the phone to Mo. I feel bad for her, even though supposedly i'm the one being wronged. She is just trying to deal with conflicting feelings about who she thinks i am, and frustrating as it is for me to know that i never done 'er wrong, i do appreciate how hard it all is for her. I wish she'd stop other people though, maybe she'd be less confused.



I told her that i thought it would be a bad idea for us to get back together, despite the fact that i would happily sacrifice a hand to have her back. (Not as bad as it sounds, i'm good enough at one handed poi, and anyway what are feet for?) Instead i suggested that her going travelling and sorting her head out would be the best thing, and that we should see how we feel about each other when she gets back. The words very nearly stuck in my throat; it's all well and good saying it and knowing that it's "sensible", but in actual fact i want nothing more than to lie in her arms until it's time for her flight. I'd go with her too, at the drop of a hat, but that would be SO counter-productive. It's enough that i know she still loves me, and while she (and many of my friends) say that often love isn't enough to make a relationship work, i feel sure that with time she'll realise that i'm the person she fell in love with, not the arch-deceiver that her fear tells her i am.



Apologies if the english in this post is a little warped, my hands can't go as fast as the words come out of my head.



Been reading "Nemesis" by Isaak Asimov. Wicked. Highly recommend Dr A to all lovers of damn good yarns, whether you have a particular interest in SF or not.



Friday 20th August.



Woke up 9am. Dad and i took the kids to Drusillas Zoo and let them go a bit mad. All was going fine until we went for lunch. God knows why, but i started thinking about Mojo and Jim, and literally had to run to the toilet so i could throw up. Most embarrasing. Dad took the kids into the playground bit while i went and lay crying in the back of his car. For Gods sake! I'm twenty-bloody-seven years old, i should be all hard and unfeeling! I'm not supposed to act like a pathetic little 16 year old who's been ditched by his first girl. If god is real, and if he's responsible for love, then i hate him/her and i damn well hate it.



Got back to dad's and rang Mo. I knew it wouldn't help, but the only thing that could settle the nausea was to hear her voice. She says she's told Jim she doesn't want to sleep with him anymore (as she needs to sort her head out) but my suspicious side thinks maybe they just agreed to tell me that to make things easier. I still can't believe he values his cock more than our friendship. Little bastard.



Mo got really annoyed with me, accused me of trying to pressure her into getting back together, and i ended the call feeling lower than i have all week. I'd feel better about giving her space to think things through if she didn't seem to fall back in bed with him every time i don't ring her.



Rather a long post this one, but hopefully i can get back on track and post daily now, so expect shorter missives from now on.



Love you all, wherever you may be.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
Hey darlin,



Sorry things haven't gone so well this week.

You know it's not a good idea to keep phoning her, but I guess you have to do this your own way.



Let me know if there's anything I can do...



Many hugs

Getting to the other side

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
god doesnt hate you, just a bad karma patch is all, and bvesides, we all love you bro! i might head down to falmouth mid september, so make sure u r down there!

D.B.
X x X x X

Ship off the starboard! sound general quarters! noise and light discipline! man the cannons! GET ME THE RUM!

Master of the Free Hug Program

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
Eh Mags, i think it's not uglier friends you need, but nicer ones. Stick to HoP, we seem to be doing you well so far

Whatever age you are, i think I and every other person here would prefer you feeling and lovely, than "hard and unfeeling", much as it sucks to feel right now.

fwiw, i think you did the right thing telling her to sort her head out.

It sounds like she has come up with the "2 sides" thing to justify her confusion. You can never prove things one way or the other, she has to trust you. For whatever reason she can't quite do that, and so to have 2 yous makes it easier for her to justify things.

It sounds like she's genuinely confused, not about whether she loves you, but whether she can trust you (question; does she have self esteem problems?), and when she *cant* trust you, she feels justified in going off with Jim.

The best thing i can say to you is, no matter *how* much you want to contact her, DON'T. Give you and her time out. You both hurt yourselves more by talking right now.

Check out some relaxation stuff online, or some grounding exercises, then when you get panicky or feel sick, you'll be able to deal with it without feeling like you HAVE to call her.

Be gentle with you,

Lynne

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
Love with a big or a little L is still a sharp knife that can tickle or tear, it depends who is holding it.

mags, i dont know you, in fact its the first time i read this thread but as it has been said before and again, your not a prick, your probably a nice guy, but nice doesn't cut it with some girls. as they said in that animation 'the ice age': all the nice ones get eaten.

your friend probably does value his cock more than your friendship, but thats only when its the center of his cardio-vascular attention, he probably felt irrepressible remorse after, or maybe not. but you said you would give a hand to have her back, so whats a friend in comparison.

my heart has been trod on more than once, and i also had the masochist tendency to lend the other cheek, but we are humans and our heart is all we have to give of value, so its no surprise to me.

wounds do heal, but if you pick at the scabs they never will.

she is a scab i think, but what to i know, i'm just another human

-Believing that all has been said and done is like mistaking the horizon for the limits of the world. Voltaire.
-Plus je connais hommes, plus j'aime mon chien. Pascal.

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
Thanks a lot guys, all of you, whether you know me or not. Good advice all of it, i hope you won't be offended if i pick and choose bits to suit myself. I feel kinda guilty for writing such personal stuff about her on here, but she told me to write what i like, so here i am.

[And if, like Yannicus, you're new to the diary, feel free to drop by anytime and laugh at my simple existence. I do, frequently. ]

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 20th Aug 2004
Friday 20th August (continued)



Wow! I'm burned all over, my arms, my hands, my hair, my eyelashes. A couple are second degree i think, either that or my poi have scratched me as they hit as well as singeing the edges of the scratch. Only little anyway.



What a night!



My step-brother Jon and his girlfriend Evelyn came over, and after a couple of cups of tea, said that they were going to the pub. I asked if i could tag along, grabbed my fire kit and off we went. Sank a couple of pints in the pub, chatted about all sorts of random stuff, then wandered down to the park to play with fire. The park is right next to an open air pool, and Jon and Evelyn planned to jump in for an impromptu swim.



The park was heaving. Full of teenagers (17+ in my estimation) getting pissed, stoned and playing guitar. I started spinning, and a couple of them also asked if they could play. After ensuring their relative sobriety, and making sure they obviously knew enough not to require a trip to casualty, i agreed to let them spin. Jon and Evelyn headed home fairly soon; they were freezing from stripping naked and jumping into the pool in the middle of the night.



I hung out in the park. Some nice guy from my old home town of Eastbourne sold me some rather nasty soapbar for a fiver (any port in a storm eh?) and another very nice chap gave me a couple of beers. Two of the guys there, Adam and Dan, got right into the spinning, Adam with the staff and Dan with the poi. I taught them what i know (took about 5 minutes) and sat around skinning up and chatting to a bunch of people i'd never met before. One of my favourite hobbies that.



Eventually, everyone else went off somewhere else, but the three of us remained and span til every last drop of fuel was gone. I even burned the palms of my frickin hands man!



I realised that i enjoy teaching people more than i enjoy performing in many respects. I love seeing the gleam in people's eyes as they catch the fire bug, and hearing the excitement in their voice as they learn more and more things. I told them i'd be back there tomorrow, and they said they'd get online and check out the HoP.



That's me, Home of Poi missionary, spreading the word of HoP to the heathens.



I'm well and truly frazzled, and pretty pissed too. I rang Mo (because i'd told her i would) and she was very short with me cos she was watching a film. Feck it, i didn't care, the adrenaline is still coursing through me and i've been home for an hour drinking vodka!



God bless Prometheus for stealing fire from the Gods, Malcolm for teaching me to spin, and all of you guys, well, just for being here and spending a few minutes of your day sharing in my life.



Now go outside and burn dammit!

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 21st Aug 2004


I'm glad you're having the good days too

Remember the park (or read over your post) next time it all gets too much...

all the best
xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 21st Aug 2004
It gets too much several times a day.

Saturday 21st August

Woke up about 2pm. Dad was very moody at me cos the kids had been screaming and driving him mad all day (he probably just wanted to watch England whip the West Indies at the cricket) and i'd been sleeping. To be fair, they had been waking me up nigh on every hour since 6am.

I showered quickly, stuck some aloe vera on me burns, then we all piled into the car and went to visit my Uncle Ken and Aunt Gill in Addlestone, Surrey. Ken recently had a heart bypass op, and looked quite frail and old. Gill bimbled about spoiling the girls rotten, i don't think they stopped eating the whole time we were there. I played PS2 with Ken while Iz and Rhe ran around outside annoying the neighbours, then we piled back into the car and came home.

About half way through our visit, i started thinking about Mojo. My stomach tightened, my breath got very short, and i had to sit down cause there were wierd flashing spots in fornt of my eyes. Felt like i couldn't breathe. I was very nearly sick again when my treacherous thought processes neatly seguewayed from thinking about Mojo to thinking about Jim and Mojo. They're going out on the piss tonight (with the rest of my so-called friends, most of whom i haven't seen or heard from in months) and although it doesn't make a jot of difference anymore, i still feel nauseous when i contemplate the idea of the two of them f*cking.

I rang her when we got back. She was nice, but again had a bit of a go at me for telling her I love her. Why does she honestly think that someone who had repeatedly cheated on her (as she believes) would put himself through this agony to try to win her back? Maybe she thinks i want to be the one to dump her, and my professional pride as an evil bastard has been hurt by her dumping me. Yeah, if only.

Kids have been bathed and are currently eating their way through a mountain of cereal (Iz just came in and told me she's finished hers all up!) I'll put them to bed in a minute. Then i guess i don't have much to do for the evening, except dwell on things. Jon and Evelyn said they'd be about, but who knows. Maybe i'll give them a ring and go for a beer. Certainly, i said to Adam and Dan than i'd be in the park come pub closing time, and i went to get more fuel today (Bunces Hardware, Lewes, £3.25 for 4 litres, very good) so i guess i'll be off doing the only thing that truly makes me happy that doesn't involve Mo.

Hope you all had a good Saturday. Who's up for a burn tonight in Lewes then?

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 21st Aug 2004
My Saturday has been crap (read your pm)

I may have to get stoned and play with fire here instead.

Might set fire to the Azalea's out of childish spite.

£3.25 for 4 litres... nice, that beats my £3.95.

Are you sure all this nausea stems from unrequited love - I mean, you don't have a bad case of food poisoning or anything?
(Lol, sorry, I'm really not in form to be social, and I definitely shouldn't be posting such rubbish in public)

xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
Saturday 21st August (cont)

Dad went upstairs to watch opera, the kids went to bed. I spent another couple of hours on the phone to some crazy HoP lady. A plan to tour Ireland is forming in my mind.

Headed out about 10.30pm, and almost straight away bumped into Dan and Adam, who were coming to meet me. We had a quick spin in the park, then decided to go into town and spin on the pedestrian precinct. It was shortly after 11, and there weren't a huge amount of people around, but nonetheless we made about £10 in an hour. A policeman turned up. The conversation went like this:

Policeman: Hello. This isn't what i usually see on a Saturday night.

Me: Cool isn't it?

PM>> Why are you doing that now?

Me>> Cos it looks rubbish in daylight, and we're making money.

PM>> Oh, busking are you. Fair enough, as long as you're not hurtin anyone. Have fun.

Wow! If only all coppers (especially Cornish ones) were as easy going as that! Presumably he had better things to do than hassle people having a bit of fun (unlike Cornish ones) so we kept spinning til we were out of fuel, then i split the money with Adam and Dan and we wandered off to get a burger. Ate burger, watched a couple of meatheads knocking chunks off each other. Then i bade Adam and Dan farewell and headed back to dad's. Had a bit of vodka, had a bit of a smoke and watched crap tv.

Rang Mojo around 2ish. She'd been in the shithole nightclub that i used to work in. She was kinda pissed, and accused me of only ringing to bring her down. I guess she expects me to ring up, find out she's out with Jim, getting off with random girls, and not want to know where i stand. After several abortive attempts at conversation i said goodnight. I'm pretty sure the last thing she said was "love you too", then i read for a bit [The Crow Road, Iain Banks] and went to sleep.

Sunday 22nd August

Woke up 12pm. The phone was still by my bed. Guess what i did with it? That's right. Surprisingly she was awake, unsurprisingly she was hungover. Turns out she didn't get to f*ck the girl she brought home last night, and Jim slept on the couch. Not sure how the conversation went [note to self, don't make phone calls before properly awake] but i have a feeling it wasn't too good. In a way i wish she'd just tell me to f*ck off, but she still maintains that there's a chance of us sorting things out, so i can do nothing else but keep trying. It would be so much easier if i really was the bad, untrustworthy person she thinks i am. I'd just say "You know what, you don't really give a sh*t about me at all, why don't you just p*ss off?"

But i'm not. I love her with all my heart, and i honestly believe we can be happy together. Something tells me this next week is going to be hell. Absolute hell.

I said i'd call her later. She said she'd actually talk to me, but i'm fairly sure nothing will come of it. Still, it's calming to hear her voice, and i can always make her laugh, so we shall see.

Sundays. What are they all about then eh?

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
Sundays are about either:-
1. having a sore throat/thick head and drinking bucket loads of tea to rehydrate yourself! Oh and watching crap movies on the tv whilst snoozing on the sofa under a blanket.

or:-

2. going out to the mountains, beach, river (insert any local attraction you have) and having a mighty damn fine time!

Which you choose usually depends on what you did on saturday night.

P.S. If I could get my magic wand to work I'd grant you your wish. Sadly its not working all that well and could just make things worse. I do have the power of string though.....if that helps. Good luck in your quest for happiness however it ends.

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
Irish women are crazy, eh?!
Ahem... says the Jedi who keeps phoning his ex to prolong his agony and pain!!

Lol, will be good to see you sometime. I reckon the sooner this week is over for you the better...


Take care
xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
The power of string? Cool.

I never said Irish girls were crazy, i said you were. I wouldn't go making sweeping generalisations like that!

Another point: I don't ring her to extend my pain, i ring her because i believe we can work it out, and she's the woman of my frickin' dreams. I wish i could find fault with her, but other than having major trust issues, i can't.

I make a lot of wishes don't i? Hmmm.

Thought i'd share a poem with you, it seemed rather apt:

"Why so pale and wan, fond lover?
Prythee why so pale?
Will, when looking well can't move her,
Looking ill prevail?
Prythee, why so pale?

Why so dull and mute, young sinner?
Prythee, why so mute?
Will, when speaking well can't win her,
Saying nothing do't?
Prythee, why so mute?

Quit, quit, for shame! this will not move,
This cannot take her;
If of herself she will not love,
Nothing can make her:
The devil take her!

Sir John Suckling (1609-1642)

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
I am not crazy. Much.

Well, I was going to reply with a poem by Larkin... but it'd probably just add to your depression

Take care xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
Mags..

you astutely point out that perhaps she should stop being dicked by jim and she'd be less confused, but by the same token, is it possible that space from you would help her to sort her head out?

If she's going to love you forever, she'll do it *anyway*....

Lynne

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
Yeah.

That's a very very good point.

But it means i have to live without her until she either decides she wants me or throws me over for good. Which means hanging in limbo.

Don't honestly know how much more of this i can take.

Any stunningly beautiful, blindingly intelligent hippy girls wanna take me home? Not too much to ask is it? *smirk*

Anyway, tonight is my last night in Sussex for a while (hooray). Can't say i've had a great time, but admittedly, outside influences have had a lot to do with that. Be nice to be back in Kernow, even though i have to face a week of heartache being so close to Mojo yet unable to...whatever. I won't miss my dad's slow ass computer, nor him moaning at me for being on it for an hour. An hour! It'd be ok if this blasted machine would load more than two pages in an hour.

This next week is the last attempt anyway. If she still can't make her mind up what to do by the time i return to Falmouth, then i guess i'll just have to let her go. In a manner of speaking anyway. I won't ever let go of her in my heart.

Am thinking incredibly sadistic and violent thoughts towards Jim, and my previous ex for putting the doubts in Mojo's mind in the first place. I hope they both choke on their tongues in the night.

I keep starting to write sentences that begin with "why can't she...", "why won't she..." "how can i make her..." "what can i...". But it's no use. I feel like an animal that's been run to ground. The will to fight is slowly ebbing out of me. I never thought i'd have to put her behind me, but that's exactly what she's making me do. And it huuuuuuuuuuuuuurts.

I love her. And it sucks.

I'd better go to bed, i have to be up and on the train by 10am tomorrow. Goody, more nightmares. Can't remember the last decent nights sleep i had without her there.

Sweet dreams all.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 22nd Aug 2004
G'night Mags,

safe travels and good luck for this week

Take care of yourself

xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 23rd Aug 2004

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 23rd Aug 2004

Written by: mags

---

I wish i could find fault with her, but other than having major trust issues, i can't

---

! !

From what I've read on your side of things she...

Treats you like [censored], has very little/no respect for your feelings, doesn't seem to care if you love her or not, shaggs your mates without givings two sh1ts about you, makes you suffer the inconsolable pain of love by keeping you on tenderhooks with the slight potential that you might get back together at some point maybe in the future....possibly, she seems to like playing games with your mind (be they deliberate with spite or by accident by being completely inconsiderate and tactless towards you) and she doesn't do you any good at all that I could see.

Also your emotional state of mind can't not travel into those around you, your kids, your Dad, your friends; do they deserve this? All because she wants to play you like bagpipes?! Filling you up with potential and then dropping you at any random point, letting all the air out and then pickin up the next set for a play with them. ok crap analogy but you get the drift! Her actions not only affect you but those around you.

One thing I do know for sure, from reading your diary, from meeting you a few times, chatting to you through here online and in pm's, she doesn't deserve you or the love you offer her. You REALLY need to make that break mate, hard as it is it's gonna be the only thing that saves you.

You are a star, shining bright in the Cornish sky, she's the black surrounding you and stiffling your light. Break into the milky way my friend or the black hole will have you forever

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 23rd Aug 2004
p.s. when you're on your way to sunny Ireland don't forget to stop off in the midlands! There are actually three people who spin in my area now! I'm fookin amazed!

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 23rd Aug 2004
what Bug said. Plus, Many people that can't face their own nasty dark bits (yes we all have them lurking inside) project their feelings of disgust for them onto other people. Maybe her supposed lack of ability to trust you when you say you haven't cheated on her is because she knows/feels she has cheated on you with Jim and can't trust herself. (those sentences made sense in my head but look a bit odd typed out) Anyway, I don't know either of you apart from what I have read here. I could be wildly wrong.

Take good care of yourself and I hope you work out a way to be happy.

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 23rd Aug 2004
Was good to talk to you yesterday, sorry i had to call the convo short - my friend was gettin kranky at being neglected for lovely HoP boys (Are you a boy?)

Take care, and keep smiling! xxx

tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.

Posted: 23rd Aug 2004
Monday 23rd August. 8.30pm

OK. I wanna clear a couple of things up:


1) Thanks for all the messages of support and stuff. They do mean a lot to me, and the advice is invaluable to me. Thanks all of you so much for taking the time and all that shite.

2) I'm gonna make a concerted effort not to write about Mojo so much. It isn't fair on her for several reasons, the first and probably most important being that this is my diary, not hers. She may decide to write her own and tell you about her life, but i don't think i should.

3) The second reason for not writing about her so much is something that occurred to me a few days ago, but which Bugs post (which has totally sorted my head out, thanks Dunc ) really brought home. That is: You are only getting one side of the story. I will still write about my feelings with regard to what's happened, but the sordid details of the relationship's death throes are no longer fit to print.

4) Whilst i love her, and will always love her, i can't keep going through this. The next few weeks are gonna be big bags of doo-doo, but i guess i have to just do what the girl says and wait til she returns from her wanderings. More than likely we won't ever be together again, and whilst that sucks harder than a 5 mark hooker on the Reeperbahn, i guess it's about time i took it on the chin and stopped being such a wuss about it.

5) [censored], i wish those words sounded as confident in my head as they do on paper.


As one final point, i want it known that it was my decision to instigate this (fairly minor) institutional restructuring of my journal. I was not influenced in anyway by anyone to do this, i simply feel that the cathartic effect of posting my daily thoughts has run its course, and is now actually holding me back.

But of course, i'm totally addicted to this now, so you still get to hear about all the other boring sh*t in my duller than dishwater life.

Right. Gotta put Izzy to bed. Laters boys and girlies.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 23rd Aug 2004
[Geordie accent]

Day 85 in tha Big Bruther Hoos. Mags deecides that he kanne put oop with feeling like shite far mooch longa, he's gonna poot his ex-missus to tha back of 'is mind forra bit while he sorts 'imself oot
Mags deecids to rorl a big fat biftaa, sit back infroont of tha stereoo with 'is favourit music on and read a good boook
[/geordie accent]

Good on ya mate, a clean break for a while is the only realistic way to see if anything will happen or not. Absence will either make the heart grow stronger or help you to grieve and move on.

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 24th Aug 2004
*agrees with bug, minus the accent*

"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

Posted: 24th Aug 2004
Your friends talk sense!

RosieMary
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"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever" ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Posted: 24th Aug 2004
*peers at Rosie* hehehehe

Is that you Mum?



Started spinning yet have ya?

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 24th Aug 2004
Tuesday 24th August 2.07pm

Woke up about 9am, fed the kids and dozed for a bit while they ran around and played. Got up properly about 11am and fed them some more. They pretty much divide their time between eating and playing, with a bit of screaming and crying thrown in.

Today is gonna be a calm and chilled day after the somewhat hectic one yesterday.

I should say, when we returned last night we popped into Lanson town to buy some milk and went round to my friend Mark's to see if he knew where to get any green. Had a play on the guitar and a natter with him and my friends Thom and Justin, the kids played his drums. Came home, fed kids, put them to bed.

Thom came over and we got incredibly stoned and played Vice City til about 2 in the morning, stopping briefly to watch South Park.

This morning i have mainly been being watched. This is because Tamsyn's pc (which was at one time mine as well) has a webcam. And it's funny when people can watch you. Maybe i'm just wierd. Anyway, if you have MSN, feel free to add my magsthejedi at hotmail to yer list and request a link to the cam. It's incredibly dull watching someone else watching a pc, but so's reading someone elses diary, you obviously have nothing better to do.

The kids are coated and booted and playing with the kids next door in their garden. Peace reigns, although they're close enough that i can hear any raised voices. So here i sit, HoPping like a mofo.

How cool is it that my mum's started spinning poi. Any melbourne spinners fancy a cup of tea and a spin, PM RosieMary, i'm sure she'd be delighted.

Rock on.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 24th Aug 2004
Dude that's really your Mom!! Brilliant!! Is this the first cross-generational HoPing experience?



Hello Magnus' Mom! We went to see him in Falmouth and had a lovely time, you must have raised him very well cuz he makes for a very good host indeed and cooks a lovely veggie curry. Although his judgement for "how long a mile is" is a little off



Nice to meet you Mrs Mags, you live relatively close to my Uncle. He lives in Ararat which aparently is near Victoria

Let's relight this forum