Forums > Introductions > My Diary. (Feel free to comment)

Posted: 3rd Jul 2004

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Posted: 3rd Jul 2004
Saturday 3rd July 5.15pm

Ok. I rang her. She isn't coming over today. At first she said she didn't think it's a good idea that she came over at all. Am i deluded that I think it's because she knows there's a part of her that still loves me?

Probably.

Hearing her voice is like magic. I can close my eyes and just for a minute pretend that everything's ok.

Hopefully she'll come over tomorrow.

Took the kids to some Summer Fete this afternoon. They won some bubble bath on the tombola. Hehe. They didn't look too impressed. The little one fell over and cut her knee, and then screamed for about two hours until we got home, when she promptly fell deep asleep on the sofa. Wish i could do the same, I'm shattered.

Chicken nuggets for tea, followed by putting the girls to bed and sitting around like a gimp until it's time to sleep. Probably go to bed early. Probably try to ring Mojo again. Probably won't help.

I really should be better at this at my age.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 3rd Jul 2004
Of course there's a part of her that still loves you, but it might not be enough to bring her back mate. You seem to be doing well with the ladies anyway tho, isn't that three interesting options in the last couple weeks? Or are you just indulging yourself to block out the sad stuff?



At least we'll all be back in just over a month!!

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 3rd Jul 2004
Pretty much. I've met lots of interesting girls/women, but there's only one person I want to be with. Catch 22.

And I counted 4.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 3rd Jul 2004
ooh four.....you big stud you

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 3rd Jul 2004

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 4th Jul 2004
Sunday 4th July 11.04am

Well, yeah, I rang her. She says she still isn't sure that it's a good idea that we talk face to face. The only reason i can think of for this is that she thinks i'll A) Try to kill/kidnap her, or B) convince her to take me back. I tried to explain that regardless of the outcome, I need to speak to her in person just to get even the tiniest bit of closure. I'll try ringing again this afternoon, when she's awake.

Spoke to Bitey a bit on the phone yesterday. She (predictably) thinks i need to just get over Mojo and move on. If only it were that simple. I think the problem (or one of them) is that I really don't want to get over her. I just want to be with her.

Dull evening last night. All my friends in this shitty town were out drinking with my ex, so i stayed in and watched crap tv til i was tired enough to pass out without too much lieing in bed thinking.

I have no grass, so thinking unfortunately becomes a neccessity. I ramble around and around in my head, remembering the tiniest things about her, each one a more exquisite torture than the last.

The kids woke up at 5am. I have no idea why. I repeatedly sent them back to bed, but by the time i got up the house was covered in toys and the kitchen floor covered in sugar.

I feel really isolated here. I only have a 5year old and a 2 year old for conversation, cute as they are. This is also the first time i've stayed here that Mojo hasn't been with me. If anyone knows any spells to make someone love you again, I'm actually considering it. There really is very little i wouldn't do to have her back in my life.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 4th Jul 2004
we love you!

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 5th Jul 2004
Monday 5th July 6.58pm

Recapping Sunday then: Fed the kids lunch and vegged a bit. My friends Mike (some of you met him on the Friday of Falmouth 1) and Jim came over. We played playstation and got stoned. The kids ate dinner, had a bath, and went to bed.

Then we watched the Greeks triumph over the Portuguese in that game with the 22 millionaires and the bladder. Quality stuff.

Mike left after the game. He's a rock star, so you'd all better pay attention! His band are called Offshore and they'll no doubt be rocking your world very soon. Check them out here.

Jim and i played some footer on the PS2 and then i went to bed about midnight. Read Cold Mountain for a bit (which i got at the Summer Fete thingy for 10p!) then went to sleep.

Woke up around 8.00am and quickly fed the kids and made Izzy's sarnie's for school. Walked her round the corner to drop her off and walked into town with Rhe to go to the bank to change my address. Got back to the kids house and tried ringing Barclays for more money, but they said no. Gutted. Thankfully, my dad (my eternal saviour) has bailed me out with a few quid. What a beauty.

My ex-wife (mother of me children) got back form her boyfriends about 1ish and the two of us tidied up for about 2 hours. One of the reasons i think we split up all those years ago is because i'm sure the girl has OCD or something. The house has to be spotless all the time!

Picked Iz up from school at half 3, then took her home and wandered off down to Lanson castle to meet Mojo. She turned up looking incredible. Just to make it hurt that little bit more.
We sat and talked for a while. She really does not love me anymore. There is no hope. However, she really misses me giving her head, so who knows, maybe i'll just persuade her to use me for that and that alone. T'would be worth it just to be close to her. But i doubt it'll actually happen. Fingers crossed.

A few spinners sighted in the castle grounds. One was a 9 year old called Charlie, who had a formidable 3 beat going, and was totally unpeturbed by the amount of times he whacked himself in the head. Cool kid. He'll be amazing one day. Having said that though, Izzy's 5 and has the butterfly down pretty good. Bring on the youngsters I say!

Mojo did say she would ring me to go for a drink later (with a bunch of others). I kinda hope she does (you guys must think i'm a complete masochist!) even though it'll be the first time we've ever been out together without being together. If you follow me. Could be painful, but maybe necessary too.

So now I'm sat at the ex-wife's house, waitin for Mo to ring. She probably won't. I wish i had an emotional time machine that could speed my heart forward a couple of years so that it doesn't hurt so much. I should mention that (at my request) she did give me a hug earlier. Felt good. I'm such a fool.

All my love.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 5th Jul 2004
what's this? Mags in an upbeat mood? Haven't seen that since Falmouth! Oh by the way dude we have you on tape singing "oh yer daddy yes he died in the Falklands" that's such a cool song. Who's it by so I can find it on t'internet?

Glad you're a bit smilier now mmmm...hea.....*rushes of to clean teeth*

Let's relight this forum

Posted: 6th Jul 2004
Tuesday 6th July 6.13pm

Hmm. Upbeat? Not so sure. I went to the pub to meet Mojo and the others. Despite the knowledge in my brain that we're no longer together and that she doesn't want me anymore, my body still hasn't caught on. I kept almost going to hug or kiss her, the way i would have done only 4 weeks ago. Eventually I couldn't stop myself from welling up and starting to cry right there in the pub. Not good. Jim and I departed soon afterwards.

Quickly popped into the Castle for a smoke, and saw some girl i vaguely know spinning fire. She let me have a quick burn, and that cheered me up a little. Then Jim and I returned to my ex's house and played playstation til the early hours.

Got woken up about half 7 by my ex shouting at me for sleeping on the sofa (apparently it's bad for it!) and for smoking weed in the house last night. She can shout too. She and Isabelle left for work/school and Rheanna and I had breakfast.

I dozed for a bit while Rhe played, then we spent the rest of the day playing. She's very cute when she's being nice, at this precise moment she's making a noise not dissimilar to a second world war air raid siren because she doesn't want to eat her dinner.

Spoke to Mojo briefly this afternoon, apologised for being such an emotional cripple last night. She didn't sound too happy. Talking to her sometimes, it's as if she and the girl i used to be with are two completely different people. I said that although I really want to remain her friend, i didn't think we should start hanging around with each other as if nothings happened. I'm a bit too fragile (and wussy) for that.

So, a night in front of the telly with my ex wife tonight. Should be fascinating. Every time i watch TV i'm reminded why i don't own one. There really are so many better things to do.

Back to Foulmouth tomorrow. I can't wait. This weekend has been an effort, mentally and emotionally. And i have to be back here Friday evening. Good news though, my good friend Chris (who was best man at my wedding, many moons ago) and his wife are coming down from Pompey at the weekend. Haven't seen him for a while, so it should be good to catch up.

I'm seriously thinking about becoming a monk. So much less hassle. Then at least you have nothing to fear from that most awful of four letter words, Love. Anyone who tells you it's a nice emotion needs their head examined. It's nasty.

But I love you all anyway. Happy spinning.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 6th Jul 2004
Tuesday 6th July 9.12pm

My life really isn't very interesting. I pity all you poor fools spending your hard earned time reading about how dull i am. Heh.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 6th Jul 2004

I was always scared with my mother's obsession with the good scissors. It made me wonder if there were evil scissors lurking in the house somewhere.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

**giggles**

Posted: 9th Jul 2004
Friday 9th July 6.45pm

Ok. A weeks worth (nearly) in one post. Tuesday night, i obviously spent the evening posting on here. Slept on the floor and played with Rhe all day Weds until Tamsyn came home from work. I then hightailed it down the A30 to Falmouth, trying desperately to avoid the storm front that rolled in from the south.

It didnt work, and i got there soaked in places that water shouldn't be allowed to go.

I changed my clothes and went to the pub. Sat in the corner reading Cold Mountain (darn that book's good) and drinking pishy lager cos the cider was off. Closing time rolled around, and still i sat there. Noone seemed to make me want to leave.

Eventually there were 5 of us left in the pub. Me, the Elf barmaid, and three pissed welshmen. I think there's some unwritten rule of the universe that states that an hour after closing time, every pub will contain (amongst others) 3 pissed welshmen. Go figure.

After drinking some vodders, the elf girl started chopping out lines of ketamine on the bar. I'm pretty certain i've had K before, in pills and whatnot, but never on it's own. It's a shame i stopped doing Class A's on a regular basis, cos if i hadn't maybe i wouldn't have been so knocked on my ass by the effect. Hella nice though, it has to be said.

Around 1ish we abandoned the pub to the custody of the welsh blokes and ran through the storm to my house where we smoked some exceptional green and listened to random tunes. Turns out the elf girl is a some time actress. Interesting. For those pervy readers out there, it should be noted that nothing untoward happened. She really is very pretty, but every time i close my eyes i see Mojo's face, and that's kinda off putting.

Hit bed about 4ish. When i woke up i felt like i'd been run over by a lorry full of custard. Rang work and cried off sick. It's only a matter of time before they fire me, so i'm taking full advantage of the staff discount to kit myself with new clothes.

Woke again about 4.30pm. Rang Brad and arranged to meet him on the beach. Tried ringing other people, but my phone got wet during the ride down on weds and stopped working properly. Sat on the beach for about half an hour, waiting for the sun to go down. Then, for the first time, we aborted the burn. It started raining, and whilst we'd normally spin in the rain quite happily, we both decided to give it a miss for the night.

We headed back to my house and watched "Igby Goes Down" instead. Quality movie. Should maybe have had a burn in the garden, but Brad was keen to get into town and go meet some chicks in one of the shittier nightclubs, so i went to sleep.

Got up this morning to the sound of plumbers installing central heating. Very nice, but they're noisy buggers. Packed my bag for the weekend and rode to work. Working in a shop is incredibly dull, but at least it's not like proper work. No real effort involved. Though maybe that's why they're thinking of firing me. I wonder.

After work i again rode to Launceston. My weekend with the girls again. The worst thing about Lanson town is that Mojo's in it, somewhere. Coming here fills my head with all sorts of wierd ideas about getting her back in to my life. None of which are going to happen. I guess the trick is to just be grateful for the time i had with her. Noone will ever compare.

So, here i am. The kids are still up and outside fighting. I'll have to go knock their heads together in a minute and pack them off to bed. Then, with a bit of luck, my friend Chris and his wife should be arriving, as i mentioned somewhere in a previous post i think. Will be nice to see them, it's been a couple of years.

I am literally counting the days until the next Falmouth meet, spreading the word and trying to learn new moves/songs. The most recent one I learned was The Cure's "Boys don't cry". Cheerful innit?

Thought for the day:

In an infinite universe, anything that can happen will happen. Given that some of these occurences will be good, and some bad, it stands to reason that somewhere, albeit in a parallel universe, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Of course, it means that anything that can go right will go right too, but pessimism is so much more endearing.

Happy burning.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 9th Jul 2004

Written by: Mags The Jedi

---

Thought for the day:

In an infinite universe, anything that can happen will happen. Given that some of these occurences will be good, and some bad, it stands to reason that somewhere, albeit in a parallel universe, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Of course, it means that anything that can go right will go right too, but pessimism is so much more endearing.

Happy burning.

---

All you have to do to ensure happiness is get yourself in the right universe!

take it easy geezer!

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Posted: 9th Jul 2004
Friday 9th July 11.15pm

Kids are nicely tucked up in bed. They're at their sweetest when they're unconscious i think.

I rang my friend Claire earlier, and she did me the great service of bringing a house bound man some green. Laaaaaaaah-verly.

I thought i'd post quickly to mention that the PS2 game "The Getaway", is abso-feckin-lutely bloody marvellous. My mate Nick lent it to me a while back, and i've only just played it. It's essentially a GTA3 clone, but set in London with some truly superb cockney gansta voice acting to its lengthy and film like cut scenes. Driving around London is incredible realistic, all the sights are there. I had a pounding head on right outside Buck Palace earlier. The car crashes (when you have them) are so realistic you might get whiplash in sympathy for the poor little bastard you're controlling. When not driving, you'll be mainly wandering around gunning down East End boyz, Yardies, Triads, and Police, while the characters quip with each other. It's kinda like being in a Guy Ritchie movie, as long as it's not the dodgy one with Madonna in it.

And what other game could contain the immortal line: "Right, I feel like killin' some coppers!"

Beauty.

Oh yeah. And it's Platinum too, so if you don't have a handy mate to lend it to you, you can get it for the price of a phat eighth of weed. (£20, in case any of you overseas types were wondering)

Right, must go, my ex-wife's little brother Taz is coming over. Taz (Taran) is one of my closest friends, and the nearest thing i have to a little brother.

Wherever you are, i hope you're having fun.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 10th Jul 2004
Saturday 10th July 11.12am



In the immortal words of my paternal grandmother, "Kids - 'oo'd 'ave 'em?"



Got woken up at about 7am by screaming. Rhe and Iz had helped themselves to a couple of yoghurts from the fridge. Not a major drama, aside from the fact that they shouldn't be helping themselves to stuff. But Rhe spilt hers all over the kitchen floor. And then started playing with the paints. I'm sure she had good intentions, but she neglected to get any paper to paint on, so the floor in the box room is a charming shade of streaky brown.



Gods bless 'em.



So, a bit of cleaning and telling off later, here i sit with my first bifter of the day. I'm not sure completely why I'm posting, because nothing of real interest has happened, though that could be accurately said of every other post in this thread.



Keeping a diary on here was intended to provide some form of catharsis for me, but also as an experiment to see how other people would react to being privy to all the irrelevant and personal details of my life. So, if you read this, do feel free to comment, postively or negatively. I have incredibly thick skin. Unless i'm being dumped. Then i fall to pieces and become a whining bitch.



We wish you a merry Saturday,

We wish you a merry Saturday,

We wish you a merry Saturday,

And a happy weekend!

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 10th Jul 2004
love it...very very cool....its just interesting to see how other spinners go about their lives...

"surely a longboarding fire spinner should have no trouble getting some action!"- NYC....

Posted: 10th Jul 2004
Saturday 10th July 5.53pm

Spoke to Mojo earlier. She rang me, i think mainly because she said she would last night. I also get the impression that she's kinda bored, so she was looking for something interesting to do. She said she misses me (a bit) and that she'll probably come see me tomorrow. My hopes are officially raised again, though my rational brain is telling me not to be so bloody stupid.

My friends Chris and Bella have arrived, and they've headed to the offie to buy some booze. Rheanna got all screamy so i put her in her bed, and she promptly fell asleep. Isabelle is currently bouncing around trying to persuade me to give her chocolate. No chance.

Hopefully Jim should be here in a mo with some ganj and baccy. Then the fun will really start.

Keep on truckin.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 10th Jul 2004
Saturday 10th July 10.21pm

Jim came with Mojo. My heart nearly stopped. My body is still tricked by her presence and starts trying to act like we're still together. Touching her hand. Wanting to kiss her. She actually pulled away from me at one point. It's like swimming for your life in the middle of the Atlantic, with no hope of survival.
Instead, I focus on the consolation. I'm almost certain she still finds me attractive, and i know for damn sure there are certain things she misses. So I try to bring that up. She smiles, coyly, then says she's not sure it'll help. I say, sure it'll help. I know you don't wanna be with me, it's just two friends having a laugh. All the time my heart's faltering in my chest. How can anything have changed when she still looks the same? Everything seems normal except the light in her eyes, which has gone out. She starts mentioning that she's arranged to meet a friend in the pub. I suggest she comes back here afterwards. Another excersise in futility, i know full well that she's not going to. I hug her as she leaves. She holds her head slightly aloof, as if the contact of our cheeks would be too much; as if we've never been intimate at all. When am i going to learn?

On the plus side, Chris went to Threshers and did the weekly shop. Am very pissed, and not a little stoned. Anyone know any sure-fire love spells?

Emotionally beaten-up as i feel, i sincerely hope that all who read this have a fantastic night. It makes me happier to think that you guys are all out there givin' it beans.

Rock on

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 11th Jul 2004
Sunday 11th July 11.31am

She and her friend (another exboyfriend incidentally) came back after the pub last night. She says she thinks it's too soon after the end of our relationship for the whole casual sex thang. It would mess with her head. I pointed out that this indicates she still has feelings for me and is afraid that she'll get back with me. She disagreed. Her words were "Not yet".

Am i incredibly weak? Or just incredibly shallow?

Cast yer votes now!

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 11th Jul 2004
Neither, you're just incredibly in love with her still.

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 11th Jul 2004
Sunday 11th July 3.33pm

Once again, Pink hits the nail on the head. I rang her just now, to see what she's up to. She said she was feeling down. As a result she became very snappy. I guess i deserve it for not knowing when i'm beaten. She said a few things that were hurtful enough to knock my breath out of my body, but i've already forgotten the exact wording. Sometimes not having a short term memory can be quite an advantage. I told her she is naive for hanging on to the idea that any relationship can maintain for any length of time the doe-eyed, got-to-be-with-them infatuation that is there at the beginning. She is convinced that i cheated on her at some point in our relationship, although i'm thinking that she's thought that up as a way to make getting rid of me easier. Despite what she thinks, i know i didn't, but she will not be persuaded.

So, our first proper post-relationship arguement. She actually hung up on me, just after i said that if she'd died and i'd seen her buried, the pain of the loss would have been easier to bear. I had to ring her back and explain that no, i don't want her dead.
Don't know why but that struck me as funny. I'm just a sicko at heart.

I was serious about the love potion thing incidentally. There's nothing i won't try.

On a marginally brighter note, Rhe and Izzy are really getting into the hang of playing the guitar. Shame they haven't got the hang of fretting, so the only songs they can sing involve the guitar twanging along arhythmically in open E. Still, practice makes perfect eh?

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 11th Jul 2004
Sunday 11th July 11.05pm

We spoke again on the phone. She's not coming over tonight. It's a relief, but it makes me sad anyway. Not so long ago she'd have wanted to come over.

Rhe threw a screaming fit at bathtime, literally howling, trying to get out of the water. Bizarre and very scary. I bet the neighbours thought i was torturing her from the noise.

Tired kids are eeeeeeeevil.

I may not get a chance to post tomorrow, but around midday i'm riding back to Falmouth. Somehow i need to get the last of my stuff shifted from my old house. And i should unpack properly. Then tomorrow night, fire on the beach. Yay! I need some decent burn time to cleanse the weekend out of my head.

Groove baby groove.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 12th Jul 2004
Hope ur ok hun, talk to u soon! Keep SMILING!! x

tHeReS gOoD aNd EvIl iN EaCh InDiViDuAl fIrE, iDeNtIfIeS nEeDs AnD fEeDs OuR dEsIrEs.

Posted: 13th Jul 2004
***Deleted***

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 13th Jul 2004
Cheers Vix. It's only thanks to you and a few others (y'all know you y'all are ) that i've managed to keep it together over the last few weeks. Poi people rock my world.

Tuesday 13th July 6.50pm

First of all, a recap of Monday. I woke up at 9.15am with Izzy handing me the phone. It was Jim, who'd found out he didn't have to work that day and wanted to know if i wanted to hang out. I screamed as i realised that Izzy was late for school. How typical is it that the one day the alarm goes off is the ONLY day she doesn't wake me up at 5 in the bloody morning! See what i said about "Anything that can go wrong will" a posts ago. Then laugh at the irony.

Rang the school, made a packed lunch and got her to school in about 5 seconds flat. Apologised lots to the nice lady in the office, and pointed out repeatedly that it was my fault and not Izzy's. She gave me a slightly patronising look that I've come to recognise as one that middle-aged women always give young fathers, as we obviously don't have a clue.

Jim stayed with Rhe while i ran Izzy to school, so when i came back i got her dressed and fed, and Jim and I had a few games on the PS2. Tamsyn came back about half 12 and I bade farewell to her, Jim and Rhe, and rode to Falmouth. The wind was very high, and a few times i thought i was going to get blown off the bike. Well scary.

Back in a sec, i need a spliff.

Right. That's better.

Once back in Falmouth I called up the crazy girl that I met in the pub a couple of weeks ago. The one i met in the pub when she asked me about the book i was reading, you remember? As it happened, she was just around the corner, so she headed over and we smoked some and shot the breeze. A little while later Josh (Firefish) came over and joined us.

Josh and I headed up to the pub so I could cash a cheque. We had a quick pint of that lovely cider and a couple of games of pool before heading up the road to try to buy some more weed. Unfortunately the guy we needed was out, so we headed back to mine, grabbed the fire toolz and went to the beach.

As we got there, (my new place is 5, count them, 1,2,3,4,5 minutes from the beach ) Brad was just stepping out of a taxi. Lazy little sod. Though to be fair, he does live bloody miles away. Pretty soon Ella turned up, and we span the socks a bit while the light drained out of the sky. Feckin gorgeous sunsets in Cornwall, pink to turquoise and back again.

I texted my friend Dave (see my pics), the guy who started up the college's Circus Skills Society. He's currently working for the college looking after a bunch of 16 year olds who are down here to check it out. I guess it's to encourage them to go to Uni.
He had been planning to show the kids some fire poi, so he seized the opportunity, and about an hour after i'd contacted him, he had arrived with about twenty 16 year old girls, and a couple of other guys who were guarding them.

So, our audience firmly planted in the sand, we obviously had to show off for a bit. It's always more fun spinning for other people, especially when they don't know how easy it is.

I even managed to do a double wrist wrap from the forward weave, the left poi wrapping the right wrist and vice versa. I've (obviously) practiced it with socks first, ever since Brad worked it out and showed me but the first time with fire, with monkey fists no less, was mighty scary. But it worked. I rule.

Shortly before 12 we called it a night and, waving good bye to Dave and his posse of little girls (bye! You're really amazing! ) Josh, Brad and I headed back to mine for a last bifter before bed.

Got up this morning at 10am thinking of Mojo. I sent her a text:

"I just had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamt you didn't love me anymore. I love you."

Then i had a fag and a shower, packed my stuff and rode to work.

Work went ok. Carried delivery bags of clothes about, opened them, put all the clothes away. Not particularly fulfilling, but we do get some very pretty ladieez in the shop.

Mojo rang while i was at work. She knew i was heading back to Launceston this evening. She wanted to see me. My heart started beating arythmically. I asked why and she said, "I want to be your friend." I said i wanted to be her lover. She said she'd call me later.

Finished work at 4 and rode up the A30, a beautiful road when the sun is shining. Even if you haven't been to Cornwall, if you've seen the movie "28 Days Later", you've seen a bit of the A30. When the characters are driving to Manchester they go past a wind farm, a shot which, incongruously, was filmed in Cornwall. I got flagged down by some coppers in a layby doing routine checks. Took the opportunity to have a fag as the guy took my details. I have to go to the cop shop and give them the rest of my paperwork. *yawns*

Got to Launceston about half 5 and my friend Claire came over. She recently spent some time in Madagascar, and has decided that she's had enough of the UK and is going to pack it all in and go abroad to do voluntary work. Good for her. She brought me some weed, so we had a smoke and chatted for a bit.

Good news! I'm celebrating because Beth and Frodo are coming to Falmouth at the weekend for Beth's birthday! Yay! Much burning to be done. It will be a good warm up for Falmouth II.

Now i sit here stoned and alone, waiting for Mojo to ring. I'm nervous and scared because i know whatever happens it's going to hurt some more. Soon surely it'll all go numb.

I finished reading Cold Mountain. It's phenomenal. Don't know what the movie's like. Don't really care. I recommend the book to anyone and everyone. It truly invokes all the emotions a reader is capable of. A beautiful book.

Love you all. Keep the flames alight.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

Posted: 13th Jul 2004
Dont worry hunny, we'll cheer you up this weekend! Lots of hugs and fieryness!!

And i agree, Cold Mountain is a good book xx

Aim high and you'll know your limits, aim low and you'll never know how high you could have climbed.

Posted: 13th Jul 2004
More good news for you - The Bird shall be joining your celebrations at the weekend!

hopefully the bea *puts soldering iron down* mers will be finished by then too!

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Posted: 13th Jul 2004
Super sweet.

Tuesday 13th July 9.15pm

Am feeling wierd. Can't explain why. Or won't.

Mojo hasn't rung. I doubt she will. Maybe a good thing really.

Damn I'm stoned.

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988