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Forums > Social Chat > Zen and the art of cat washing

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Mot
addict
Location: Netherlands
Member Since: 18th May 2002
Total posts: 666
Posted:A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion when a question of food has arisen.) On the off chance that your cat is wise, simply pick up food tray, ignore cat completly, and proudly march off to the bathroom. This will raise contempt in the cat, but not enough to risk skipping a meal. Curiosoty, may not, in this case kill the cat, but it will certainly trick said cat into bathroom.

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door (left foot), step into the tub enclosure (right foot), slide the glass door shut (left hand), dip the cat in the water (gloved right hand) and squirt him with shampoo (teeth). You have begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.

He'll then wriggle free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.

As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. It is best to wash your cat in about the seventh year of it's life. True a younger cat is easier to wash, but wash it young and he'll learn young. A unwashed cat in it's prime will not expect this drastic measure, and after another cycle of seven years, the cat will perhaps (but probably not) have forgotten the incident, another handy technique is to move house, and therefore move bathrooms.

But at least now he smells a lot better.


On the first day of creation, God created the cat.... On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.... On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.... On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.... On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.... On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.... On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....

Cats gotta love em eh,
Heres a pic of my little commander and lord fiend of this establishment.
Non-Https Image Link

A proud and firm ruler

[ 30. July 2003, 04:07: Message edited by: Mot ]


Come forth and thou shalt win enternal happiness. but he came fifth so he won an electric toatser.


UCOF
UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel

Member Since: 17th Apr 2002
Total posts: 15414
Posted:thank you!

now...if only i had a cat.



Mistress Aurora
Mistress Aurora

Hot Schtuff
Location: Stillwater,OK/Wichita Falls,TX
Member Since: 19th Jan 2003
Total posts: 1032
Posted:That was so hilarious and somewhat true.
quote:True a younger cat is easier to wash, but wash it young and he'll learn young Nods head in agreement
That's what our family did with all of our cats. We have 6 at our house and 3 more at my grandmothers house, and of course our poor lonely dog.

My mom and me had the cat washing, claw trimming thing down to an art. I would restrain the cat and she would do the dirty to work to them.
We were smart and trimmed the cats claws BEFORE we administered the bath.

On the rare occassions we had to give our cats a bath, we have a sliding glass door on our tub so it was easy, but the space is so vast so the cat would run all over the place. They soon learned how to jump on top of the shower doors and jump out of the tub. This was before I was recruited to help.

We now wash our cats in the kitchen sink with me as a restraint. They get over it and realize they are just gonna have to deal with getting a bath or claws trimmed.

Although it is funny because my cat Salem can talk. (sorta like Salem the cat off of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but only one word). He says it just like a lil toddler, "NO", and with determination!

This list is so funny and reminds me of my humor list over dog laws on my webpage.

Just scroll down and look for the two links "humor list about dogs", click and enjoy

Ok, I would of put the two links on here that would take you directly to that page, but for some reason the second page wouldn't be a link, guess it is because of an apostrophe in the link itself that it wouldn't make it a link on here.So I just gave you my webpage address, so just scroll down and find the two links over dogs and it will take you to the list.

I wonder if there are more out there only over different pets?

[ 30. July 2003, 01:24: Message edited by: Mistress Aurora ]



RISK: Do not follow the common path; Go where there is no path and leave a trail.


Paddy
back from the dead...sort of
Location: 4341'N 7938'W
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2002
Total posts: 884
Posted:I love this!

I have some good friends who have cats and will make sure to pass it on.

BTW, the pic didn't load, what's it of? And where did you find this?...it's genius!



Mot
addict
Location: Netherlands
Member Since: 18th May 2002
Total posts: 666
Posted:More catology,

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

1) Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle it's head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty". Drop pill into it's mouth.

2) Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3) Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4) Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (Resist impulse to get a new cat)

5) Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your right elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting upper jaw...and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6) Leave cat hanging on curtains. Leave pill in your hair.

7) Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming the "who's the boss here anyway" attitude, open cat's mouth, take pill and .....Ooooooops!

8) Crawl to the linen cupboard. Drag back on large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

9) Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from plant pot.

10) Spread cat on towel near one end...with it's head over long edge.

11) Flatten cat's front and back legs over it's stomach (Resist impulse to flatten the cat)

12) Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no one.

13) Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

14) Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila!....It's done.

15) Vacuum up loose fur (cat's) and apply bandages to wounds (yours)

16) Take 2 aspirins. Lie down.

17) Cat walks past, gives you "that" look and spits out pill whilst disappearing through catflap.


Come forth and thou shalt win enternal happiness. but he came fifth so he won an electric toatser.


Latex
member

Member Since: 20th May 2003
Total posts: 55
Posted:If you like cute stories about cats I highly recommend reading the following:

The Brown Plastic Packaging Tape Monster
http://www.bpptm.com/story.shtml
br>
Be prepaired to laugh your behind off.



Paddy
back from the dead...sort of
Location: 4341'N 7938'W
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2002
Total posts: 884
Posted:
Non-Https Image Link


Now that's how you wash a cat.



Mot
addict
Location: Netherlands
Member Since: 18th May 2002
Total posts: 666
Posted:Man that rocks,
You take the cake,
You take and run.


Come forth and thou shalt win enternal happiness. but he came fifth so he won an electric toatser.


Mistress Aurora
Mistress Aurora

Hot Schtuff
Location: Stillwater,OK/Wichita Falls,TX
Member Since: 19th Jan 2003
Total posts: 1032
Posted:Pooor kiiity!

Looks like a drowned rat



RISK: Do not follow the common path; Go where there is no path and leave a trail.


Pink...?
Pink...?

Mistress of Pink...Multicoloured
Location: Over There
Member Since: 6th Apr 2002
Total posts: 6140
Posted:Ahhh Poor cat!
My cat's actually really really placid and will willingly go into the bathroom and have a wash. Infact it get's quite annoying when you are washing your face or something at the basin and then the cat jumps up to the ledge and trys to jump into the basin!

Alice


Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...


DJ Dantana
veteran
Location: Stillwater, Ok. USA
Member Since: 15th Aug 2001
Total posts: 1495
Posted:here is my favoite.

step one: clean toilet well

step two: squirt liquid soap into toilet.

step three: open all doors leading to the outside

step four: put on thick leather boots.

step five: drop cat into toilet and quickly shut lid and stand on it. emember to keep all finges and other delicates away from the edges of the lid.

step six: cat will "self aggitate" forming a nice frothy lather.

step seven: flush toilet several times to wrinse cat.

step seven: jump off lid and get out of the way.

cat will run outside and "air dry"



we eat and we drink and we smoke and we try!


King Of Bongo
King Of Bongo

addict
Location: Berlin
Member Since: 25th Dec 2002
Total posts: 522
Posted:so true. all of them.
my cat has now learnt that when i'm packing my bags it means he will soon have to go in a basket and will be taken to my parents country home. He finds a good hiding place quickly and curls up to make himself as small as possible.
love my moggy, awwww.


Your life is ending one minute at a time...
So live it.


+-Flo-+
member
Location: Sydney
Member Since: 27th Jul 2002
Total posts: 3
Posted:Ha! How very true!
The first bath for my oldest cat occurred when he was 9 weeks old. I enlisted the help of a strong male friend of mine, and after 5 seconds we decided to abort the bathing mission as normally placid lil kitty turned into a furry clawed beast from hell... When, lo and behold the lil moggie scrambled loose and lept onto my friends back. The natural reaction of course, with a cat digging its way into your spinal column is to scream and thrash, so poor lil scared drowned scaggy kitty goes flying, and comes to rest with a splash in the toilet... that was an afternoon I never want to relive...
My other cat is the opposite... she spends her morning through the water while im in the shower


Light it! I DARE you...


janice
janice

Member

Member Since: 3rd Jan 2006
Total posts: 34
Posted:this amused me more than anything else has in days lol

thank you!


in goth we trust


Imaginary_Grace
Imaginary_Grace

Member
Location: Wales
Member Since: 30th Apr 2006
Total posts: 53
Posted:I am proudly owned by 5 cats, 3 are mogs and 2 are Meezers. (They do make my life difficult when I am trying to spin my poi - I usually end up with a cat on each end ubbloco) But, I digress, as of yet I have not had the pleasure of bathing any of my cats, but will file the information away for future reference. One of my cats baths herself from time to time by jumping into my bathwater (a case of leaping before she looks) to play with her ball. And one of my Meezers wanders around the edge of the bath while I shower chasing the water droplets.
Touch wood that I won't ever have to properly bath my little minions!! devil


The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head....


Tabt
Tabt

I Doubt, Therefore I Might Be
Location: Horsham
Member Since: 2nd May 2006
Total posts: 1007
Posted:reading the 'how to give a cat a pill' thing made me think of giving our cats pills.

it always goes exactly like that. with the spitting it out at the end and all. damn moggies.

it also made me thinkmof getting a cat in the basket to take to the vet. impossible, even if you can find the cat.

they run away when we get the basket out! clever kitties.


Owner of Dragosani's right side.


Mojojo
Mojojo

wandering dingo
Location: Aussie in London
Member Since: 3rd Mar 2005
Total posts: 167
Posted:I have new trick for giving the cat his pills. Bought cat treats, little stinky fish shaped things that are quite powdery. He goes absolutely MAD for them. I grind them in the mortar and pestle. Then wet his pill, roll it in the powder, and he simply eats it out of my hand. BRILLIANT!! No punture wounds!

Only three things are certain: Death, Taxes, and that England will not win back the Ashes in this lifetime.


BansheeCat
veteran
Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247
Posted:that was hilarious!!

One of my cat washing incidents resulted in extreme bloodshed. Picture me standing outside the bathroom sobbing, blinded by dripping blood, with the cat inside howling pathetically covered in flea soap. I couldn't bring myself to go back in and rinse him off, but since it is poisonous, something had to be done. When my xhusband came home, saw the disaster zone, he quite cleverly solved the problem by filling all our pots and pans and buckets with water, bringing out all our towels and lining the hall, then proceeded to rapidly open the door, throw a bucket of water at the yowling cat, slam it shut,wait a few minutes, and do it again...

Suffice to say, that cat never goes near the bathroom now...

I have since learned to stuff them in a pillowcase, tie it around their shoulders, and wash them through that. They cant move much, and are discombobulated by the expereince, so much less bloodshed. Small cats, you can actually squish them gently into the rinse jug, and wsh them in there, it is small so they cant move...

Oh, the joys of pets!


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


RayinRed
RayinRed

member
Location: Huntington, New York
Member Since: 3rd Apr 2006
Total posts: 39
Posted:Very nice.

Last time I tried to give my 9 month old cat a bath, somehow I landed up wet, she didn't, and I have scratch marks all the way up my arm.



Sixth
Sixth

Devil May Cry
Location: Manchester / London
Member Since: 31st Oct 2005
Total posts: 327
Posted:why dont u use a super soaker.....here kitty kity kitty.... soapbox

I give hope to others but I keep none for myself.


Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Take large sack
Place brick inside, leave top open
Pick up cat all normal like
Drop in sack
Tie up top of sack
Drop sack and contents into water. Laundry tub filled to three-quarters is sufficient. If using river , dam or other outdoor space, tie long rope onto sack so it can be removed (avoid destruction of environment; that’s why ‘washing cat in the first place)
Repeat.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


Sixth
Sixth

Devil May Cry
Location: Manchester / London
Member Since: 31st Oct 2005
Total posts: 327
Posted:damn thats better than mine...:D....detergent or no detergent ? ubbrollsmile

I give hope to others but I keep none for myself.


Dut
lurker
Location: Nashville, TN
Member Since: 22nd Mar 2002
Total posts: 380
Posted:you'd think a F1 chaussie (literally half domestic, half jungle cat) who would literally kill you before being picked up wouldn't be that fun to wash, but for some reason jungle cats love water. my ex-roommate's was way fascinated with running water -- it was kindof a pain to keep him out of the shower actually. i miss that cat. frown


Prometheus
Prometheus

Diamond In The Rough
Location: Richmond, Virginia
Member Since: 30th Jun 2002
Total posts: 459
Posted:I give our cat baths all the time. Only trouble is getting the hair off my tongue afterwards! ubbrollsmile

Dance like it hurts; Love like you need money; Work like someone is watching.

Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you DO criticize them, you are a mile away, and you have their shoes.


Arson86
Arson86

once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places...
Location: RI
Member Since: 27th Feb 2009
Total posts: 20
Posted:lmfao this one hit home i have been mauled all too many times. thanx 4 the tips! and the gutbusting fit of laughter that accompanied them laugh3

ashes ashes all fall down...
...Sat Nam


jojodijojo
stranger

Member Since: 19th Mar 2009
Total posts: 13
Posted:Dang, the fiend ain't showing....

The most wonderful thing about having a cat is that the little beggar is largely capable of washing himself- and does so almost constantly.

One of ours (during claw trimming) has to be stealthily approached from behind with three large bathtowels, leaving only the head and one leg at a time sticking out. I haven't tried bathing her, onr would I actually dare to.



Wraith_Dividend
Wraith_Dividend

Bunny Bane
Location: i cant see because my head is ...
Member Since: 26th Mar 2009
Total posts: 205
Posted:i gotta a cat and i imagine that when i try and wash her she will ourr for a second then realise its water and not a hot blanket. when this happens she jumps up screams (my cat can scream) then decimates evrything within a ten mile radius

true story


if life is for love then to love is to live
-
a quote from me!
-
god i love me
-
and i while typing this im just itching to get back to my toast
-
YAY TTTTOOOOAAAASSSSTTTTTT!!!!!!!!
-
oh and by the way you just lost the game


Chloe'
Chloe'

enthusiast
Location: SouthDakota, USA
Member Since: 27th Jan 2009
Total posts: 324
Posted:I have a hard enough time washing one of my dogs...never will attempt these with a cat.

Listen to Your heartbeat and dance...


steambug
stranger
Location: Adelaide, Oztralia
Member Since: 16th Sep 2007
Total posts: 21
Posted:Originally Posted By: jojodijojoThe most wonderful thing about having a cat is that the little beggar is largely capable of washing himself

Ya, I would have to agree with this yes. As i see it, one of the big advantages of cats is the fact that they're largely self-cleaning devices. The only reason i can see for washing a cat is for the production of wet lolcat pictures!

I've had several cats over time- never had to wash one of them, fortunate cause otherwise i'd probably have chunks missing out of me from their claws. shocked grin




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