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back from the dead...sort of
Location: 4341'N 7938'W
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2002
Total posts: 884
Posted:Okay, I never post "I need advice" type threads", but this has *really* been bothering me lately, so if you all could help me out, I will love you forever (despite the fact I already do).

Basically, for about six months last year, I was seeing a very nice girl. I ended up breaking it off about three months ago because I just didn't see it lasting for a hugely long time, let alone forever, or anything like that. Even if I had, I don't feel as though I'm ready for that kind of relationship at the age of 20...so even if the she was perfect for me, I don't think I could have made that kind of commitment right now. It's not as though I play the field by any means (quite the opposite actually ) but it just kind of freaks me out. I'm too young.

It's hard to stay in a relationship when you feel like you know where it's heading...I felt like I was leading her on. So despite the fact I still *quite* liked the lass, I thought it would be best to break it off. I thought it would save us both a lot of pain in the long run.

ANYWAYS, I mentioned above that I didn't see it lasting for a terribly long time. That's largely because we were into very different things. Different music, different scenes, different hobbies. She likes punk rock, I like ambient and psytrance. She enjoys going out to bars, where they play loads of popular music (which I really can't stand), drinking (which I rarely do), and grinding on crowded dancefloors (which makes me phenomenally uncomforatable, even with my girlfriend). There's nothing wrong with any of that (it's all fun to some degree), but it's really not my thing at all. I like going out to psytrance parties and such and dancing the night away sober. Also, I'm pretty involved in student government, and she's not, which is also just fine, except that she'd be upset because I had so many meetings and couldn't see her more often.

NOW, my question is (and this is where I need a load of help): is it shallow to not see relationships working if you're not into the same things? I mean, on the one hand, I'd like to think that those kinds of the differences were skin deep. On the other hand, the things you're into and the things you do define the person you are, so if you differ too much, would a relationship work?

Perfect example: I play music all the time (there's a song for every occasion and situation ), but she largely didn't like the stuff I put on. I'd like to think that I'm not annoying her by just being me. It kind of sucked that I'd have to change the things I do in order to make sure she was having a good time, and vice versa. Now, I'd make that sacrifice I'd make in a blink of an eye, but it just made me doubt that it would ever last in the long run.

In my head, I just think about what the relationship would have been like if she was the same person but we both enjoyed doing the same stuff. I've never gone out with anyone who likes to do the same things as I do, and it just seems as though it would be absolutely glorious to share the utter joy I find in my life, and the things I do, with a person who means so much to me. Isn't that what it's all about?

So, what do you think? Are there some combinations of people that just won't work? I'd like to think that love conquors all and such, but it seems a bit idealistic. What good is it if you can't find joy in the same things? Please let me know...I'm in a bit of a rough spot right now. I saw her last night and it was tough. So hearing from you all would mean a lot...

Location: Rochester, NY, USA
Member Since: 19th Jun 2001
Total posts: 442
Posted:Wow, this is so right up my alley.

Pele and I are two of the most different people you could meet. When they say opposites attract, we're the example.

She's into out-doorsy stuff. I'm a home-body.
She's into music (and everything about it) and I'm content with it being background music.
She's an artist. I'm a computer geek.
I could go on.

We found that we compliment each other greatly. Where she has weaknesses I have strengths and vis-versa.
We have both come to realize that we do not want to date ourselves. Which is what would happen if you date someone just like you.

We do have some similar interests. We both like Sci-Fi, comics, and motorcycles. We also have similar intellect (she thinks she's smarter though) and that helps us discuss things that are important in our lives. Like what we want for dinner. How best to punish the kid (lots of creativity there )

You mentioned enjoying each other's company as you partake in hobbies. Pele joins me in my truck events when I go, and I attend her fire-spinning events as I can. And not just the ones I'm working, her last one I went as a guest and quite enjoyed it.
If you both have the same hobbies, what if one of you stops liking that hobby? Does the interest fade?

I ran out of words in my head. I hope this provides some insight into another view of this situation.

FYI: I am not Pele. If you wish to reply to me and use a short version of my name, use: PWB.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. - Homer Jay Simpson

Gandhi Ganjamaster

Member Since: 30th Aug 2002
Total posts: 299
Posted:Hi Paddy

tough thing.
Are you in love with her?
In a relationship it's always good having things going on outside the bedroom.

Good on you for being so honest with yourself and her.

My ideal relationship would involve not only love and all that jazz but i envision a "working relationship" with my mate, someone with the same vision and goals on a larger than personal scale.

Once you've set standards like this for yourself settling for anything less would feel like selling out
and that's a really shitty feeling.

There are couples who manage to live, work and play together and it makes me happy to know that.

Asking yourself these questions as you are is a good thing and you already have the answers too.

Good luck, strength and much love to you.



the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA
Member Since: 15th Dec 2000
Total posts: 6193

So I am confused as to why it would be shallow?You can really love someone and not want to be around them. I have that with a few of my friends..we are so completely different that I love them unconditionally, enjoy talking with them and can't stand to get together to go anywhere or do anything with them. They are fantastic for conversation and just sitting around though. Then there are the people I absolutely love dearly and enjoy hanging out with and sharing with, but could never be with them romantically. There are even a couple people in the past I have been romantically emotionally interested in but know it would never work out because I would get easily annoyed if I spent too much time with them. Emotions are really fickle things with no rhyme and no reason.

I think that for a romance to truly work there needs to be enough common ground shared that you can enjoy doing things together, enough differences that you will always have something to talk about and no one feels slighted when time is spent apart and a respect, like and attraction to one another. But there also needs to be comprimise. Sometimes you listen to her music, sometimes you listen to yours. Sometimes you go and do what you want, sometimes what she wants.

One thing I have learned is that there is no perfect balance, someone is always giving, someone is always taking but as long as it isn't always the same person giving, then things will be alright.
Shallow is only wanting to be with someone for money or looks, disregarding substance completely. Wanting to enjoy your life and the people you share it with is not shallow, it is realistic.

And, looking into forever, hell looking into tomorrow is really daunting. Live for now. Enjoy her company today and if it goes well then enjoy it again tomorrow...but enjoy each moment for what it is. If you are not ready for marriage and such commitments, then tell her so. Then tell her you enjoy spending time with her and would like to continue to do so. Maybe in the future your feelings will change, maybe you will become comfortable with the idea of permanence, or maybe you will end with a good friend or a lesson learned. Either way...don't let it bother you.
Do what is right for you because in the end, you can't really make those decisions for anyone else, and making yourself unhappy being with someone will just make the situation worse.

Hmmmm...methinks I babble too much. My .02
Good Luck!

Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

still can't believe it's not butter
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Member Since: 14th Nov 2001
Total posts: 6979
Posted:forget the preconception that you can only like someone you are similar to - are we truly that vain?

forget the concept of opposites attract - that's someone else's idea.

in fact, forget anyone else's rules about relationsips, because all that matters is if you like this person enough to spend the most time with them. Other considerations such as age, lifestyles, music preferences, llama-like appearance may be important, but put them in their own place as being secondary and less important than the *real* purpose of life - happiness!

becuase happiness is the aim of life - our very motion is towards it. Don't let anyone's preconceptions (not mine, Ralph the WonderLlama's.. anyones!) about what you *should* like obscure this truth!

Laugh Often, Smile Much, Post lolcats Always

Raymund Phule (Fireproof)
Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California
Member Since: 31st Dec 2001
Total posts: 2905
Posted:There is only one rule to dating:

Be true to yourself.

If you are true to yourself then you will never go wrong. I have learned this the hard way.

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"


Corporate Circus Arts Entertainer
Location: Auckland
Member Since: 27th Jun 2001
Total posts: 3989
Posted:This comment is very close to my heart at the moment.

i went out with the most wonderful, amazing, shy girl in the whole wide-world about 9 year agao at university.

We had nothing in common except our programming101 course. She was doing social science and I was doing computing and mathematical science.

She was quiet (and sooo cute) and I was loud.

We found lots of things to do, that we didn't know we liked because we'd never done it before.

Ice-skating lessons, walks through the park, new computer games, long discussions about nothing much and about every serious issue in the world.

Then i found out, not only was she 5 years older than me (I was 19) but that she was from a strict Muslim family (who she also loved deeply) who would throw her out of the house if they knew she was with me, probably ostracise her from her whole community and basically cut her off from everything she had ever known except me!

WOH! HEAVY HUH? so, after a few months of sneaking around, not calling her at home, skipping lectures to eb with each other etc etc.

I finally admitted to myself that the best outcome was that we continue to sneak around the rest of our lives and the worst was that we would get found out and then all this horrible stuff would happen to her.

So i broke up with her, my heart also broken in a thousand little pieces.

but, I still kept in touch, for year and years, sent her a birthday card every year, went in to see her at work every now and then, and just kept letting her know I still cared about her as friend.

and then, everythign changed about 3 years ago and we got married last year on the 1st of June and we've just had our first little baby exactly one month ago!

The upshot of this is that breaking up now is only the end if you aren't meant to be together.

If you are meant to be together, then breaking up might just be another phase.

For us, at university, neither of us were at a point in our careers, social life or family space where our relationship was going to be accepted. But that doesn't mean its over for the rest of all time...

I seriously do believe in fate now, if its meant ot happen it will happen, but maybe not right now!

HoP Posting Guidelines
* Is it the Truth?
* Is it Fair to all concerned?
* Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
* Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:It's not shallow.

Will it work? That's only something you can answer. If you both hate each other's music, it's not the end of the world, but i can see where it would get annoying. The plural of anecdote is not data, but my bf and i are so different that i took a long time when someone asked us what we did have in commmon. But we compliment each other nicely.... and we're interested in learning about and doing things thta are important to the other one sometimes... like he's going to go kayaking with me and he's teaching me computer programming and hebrew, and i'm teaching him japanese a little and stuff like that.

But if you feel like your "not into the same things" and you can't even go out with her at night w/o one of you being unhappy..... well, think it through. My bf isn't into clubs and raves, and so when i start going again i have to go alone, but there's no hard feelings. You don't have to date yourself.... and you don't have to date your opposite... it just doesn't matter, what matters is that you are happy with her. Not just taht you like her, and she likes you, but that you guys are happy with each other.

And you can be in as serious or unserious of a relationship as you like at any age w/o it being a problem, doin't worry.

peace & love, kyri

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

back from the dead...sort of
Location: 4341'N 7938'W
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2002
Total posts: 884
Posted:PWB, GG, Pele, bender, Ray, Charles, and Kyri: thank you guys so much. Reading your posts has made me feel so much better...I'm still a little weird right now, but that you all would take the time to read my rambling post and share your thoughts with me means SO much to me...(I tried to get a smily with a smile and tear for here, but couldn't find one.)

I still need some time to think. I'm going away for the weekend and hopefully that will clear my head. I need a change around here...it's tough to get over these kinds of situations when things are stagnant and all you can do is evaluate your past rather than move on.

Not helping the situation is the revelation that she's had no trouble moving on at all...I found out last night that she's already been in and out of another relationship since, which was a bit of a shock. When she told me I just felt ill to my stomach for the rest of the evening...you know the feeling.

I guess that is just enhancing the feeling that whatever chance I had is really gone now. I just want to know if what I did was a mistake, so I don't do it again in the future. I'd hate to think I throw away good things just because they're not perfect.

On the other hand, if I'm not ready for another big relationship, it's kind of moot isn't it? (My previous, and first, relationship scarred me very badly. As a result I have a lot of trouble with my emotions...it's a long sad story, but that's another thread. My word I'm being open today. This is so unlike me...I need to do this more often...)

Jeez, this was supposed to be short, and I'm rambling again.

Okay, I really just wanted to say thank you sooo much for your support. It means a lot...more than you know. I might post again when I get myself straighted out...take care everyone, and have a good weekend!


HoP Mechanical Engineer
Location: OK, USA
Member Since: 11th Jul 2002
Total posts: 729
Posted:One thing to keep in mind, a 6-month relationship is evolved to around the point where a couple basically either annoys the crap out of each other or has learned to weather their differences and will last in a longer run.

Also, noticing those differences as negatives, in my experience, is usually a symptom of something bigger underlying it all - those differences weren't so big before, but maybe as you got to know each other and possibly some other frictions got introduced, it just didn't seem worth it to continue. Or maybe you wanted to break it off and those are just justifications for it. Either way, you did the right thing, even if it may not feel that way right now.

From what it sounded like in your original post, you were both kinda weathering the relationship rather than enjoying it. You mentioned the differences that you both disliked on each side (her grinding, your meetings, etc) and it seemed like neither of you was really going to give up those things that caused the friction, so in the end it's probably best that you didn't try to over-compromise and sacrifice your own happiness in the process. And that's really what it's all about, is your personal happiness - if you're with someone and not totally happy with it, then it isn't really a good experience for you and you might miss out on true happiness knocking at your door in the meantime.

Breaking things off undoubtedly made you feel bad, and it's perfectly fine to feel that way. Neither of you actually did anything wrong or hurtful to one another, it just wasn't working out for you. The separation will hurt and you might feel bad for quite some time afterward, but just remember that what you did was done with your own happiness in mind, and she would have wanted you to be happy. Nobody wants to have a partner if it means that partner will suffer (unless that person is a jerk, but you don't seem the sort) so find peace in the fact that you did the right thing, and maybe remember the next time you're dating someone the lessons you learned in this relationship about your own personal requirements for happiness.

Hope what I said made some sense, I've been in your shoes before and dealt with it, and have moved on into a situation where I am much happier You most likely will too!

What hits the fan is not evenly distributed.


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Berlin
Member Since: 25th Sep 2002
Total posts: 2617
Posted:In a hurry so gotta be quick. You gotten really good advice already and agree with it all. Don't worry about her being in and out of a relationship already. Sounds like a rebound if I ever heard one.

Do take some time though. Clear your head and figure out how you feel. Chin up dude, you'll be ok.

I live in a world of infinite possibilities.


Froggie ... Ribbit !!!
Location: Back in Paris... for now !
Member Since: 8th Jun 2001
Total posts: 4224
Posted:Hey my beautiful friend

So many wise words said here i will not try to rephrase any of it

just that for me it is ok to be different , even very different if you are similar or share a few deeper values of life I think...

hmmm but when i read your words I feel deep down you are more stressed about not being ready to commit than you are about your ability to give and receive one day ....

And it is OK... ok not to be ready and not to be sure...

SHINE ON, beautiful one
there is no rule, no pression
you have a lot to give and receive and when the time comes you will fly and dance with a princess...
in the meantime, keep growing exploring and shining like you do so well


"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"

Location: india
Member Since: 15th Jan 2003
Total posts: 18



Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted:im sorry im about to ruin this track but....

im 20, i was seeing a girl from when i was 10, and all of my mates (most of them i stil know, and some are now among my BEST mates(life long style mates)) came from this aprt of my life (ie they were mates of mine and kates and grew up with us and, got stringer with us.

when i was 14/15 we agree to get married and gave each other rings (this was a real realtionship, you who are in live, and know that when you see some one you just know, whenyou hold them its like magic, and you dont worry about interests, taste, and stuff like that, ok it can be good to share an interest or two to make sure you see each other and have a laugh, but you dont necesary need it, just do the stuff that you and they like doing makes you happy), i am bad at expressing this but its basically what whippingboy said!

however when i was 16 she was killed in a road traffic accident. she was hit by a truck and die instantly. now i know my loveis dead, but i also know that sumwere there will be another, ok so i may not love her as much kate, but at the same time i could end up loving her more, and she could be a trandie, a rocker, a punk, a trance kid or anoything, you just know!

belive me if you were unhappy there is no reaon to be there, in life never know what is going to happen, so evenif youare unsure about this girl, make sure there is no bad blood between you, cos down the line,life may get back to normal, and you may want to be back with her!

anyways ppl

later days

Step (el-nombrie)

Are we there yet?
Location: australia
Member Since: 14th Mar 2001
Total posts: 1897
Posted:hey paddy buddy, hang in there


back from the dead...sort of
Location: 4341'N 7938'W
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2002
Total posts: 884
Posted:Thank you all soooo much for your replies and and your thoughts...

I spent a good chunk of my weekend away reflecting on things.

One realization I came to is the same one that Cass made...more than anything else, I think I'm just freaked out by being 20 years old and in a really, really serious relationship. Even if we did have the same interests, etc, I probably would have still done the same thing because I can't see any relationship I start at the age of 19 being the one that goes the rest of my life. That's thinking way, *way* ahead of where things were at the time, but the point remained: no matter what, we'd have had to have broken up sometime. That was racking me with guilt and made me feel like I was leading her on. But it's certainly not as though was unhappy in anyway...and that's what's making it hard to get over...

I think I will talk to her soon (before it gets any later and get any MORE weird), just to let her know how I feel. I was pertty reserved about that when we were going out and I didn't tell her everything she deserved to hear. From then, if something happens in the future, so be it.

Another thing I realized over the weekend is there's no way you can be in a relationship without changing things about yourself to help make the other person happy. Rajiv, I liked your comments along these lines. The only thing I didn't like about them was the way they implied that one must sacrifice themselves *completely*...I don't think that's true. If it were, you could have a successful relationship with anyone on the plane, and there's no doubt that certain people just aren't compatible.

So I guess the question is, where do you draw the line between surface traits you give up for the sake of the other person and fundamental traits of your personality that you couldn't give up if you tried?

The more I think about it, that question is separate from the reason we broke up. But it IS something I need to think about it the meantime...man, attraction is farked.

I know I'm overanalyzing and I know it shouldn't be this complicated, but I think it's just how I'm dealing with some underlying fears...and loneliness. Plus there's load of complications left over from my my prior (and first) relationship, which left me pretty scarred. Thank you for your help everyone; it really is helping me through a rough time. And thank you for letting me vent. I really need it, and the fact that so many of you listen and respond to these ramblings makes me feel very loved.

Many hugs,


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