Forums > Social Chat > friday funnies
Login/Join to ParticipateBRONZE Member
addict
474 posts
Location: Australia
addict
474 posts
Location: Australia
Posted:
~ After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the NY times read: "American archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless. ~
~ After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the NY times read: "American archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."
One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless. ~
sticks and stones my break my bones, but ski patrol will save me.
BRONZE Member
addict
474 posts
Location: Australia
addict
474 posts
Location: Australia
Posted:
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
sticks and stones my break my bones, but ski patrol will save me.
BRONZE Member
addict
474 posts
Location: Australia
addict
474 posts
Location: Australia
Posted:
A Kiwi, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus. This the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Kiwi calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of
Lion Beer for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It’s a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Kiwi, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Kiwi whispers. "Bugger off mate, I'm on Workers Comp."!
A Kiwi, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus. This the bartender duly does.
As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Kiwi calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Kiwi is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of
Lion Beer for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It’s a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Kiwi, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Kiwi whispers. "Bugger off mate, I'm on Workers Comp."!
sticks and stones my break my bones, but ski patrol will save me.
GOLD Member
All High Dude, Ruler of What You Want
2,280 posts
Location: Trenton, MI, USA
All High Dude, Ruler of What You Want
2,280 posts
Location: Trenton, MI, USA
Posted:
All I have to say is lol, and maybe another lol or two
All I have to say is lol, and maybe another lol or two
The only luck is bad luck.
Shut up before I stall my poi up your ass
Familiar stranger giving out popcorn. (formerly Ascilith)
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posted:
Chili Tester
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy
, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my @$$ with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Chili Tester
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy
, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
-faced. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my @$$ with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Never take candy from strangers...... But popcorn is okay!
Familiar stranger giving out popcorn. (formerly Ascilith)
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posted:
not a friday funney but entertaining
not a friday funney but entertaining
Never take candy from strangers...... But popcorn is okay!
Familiar stranger giving out popcorn. (formerly Ascilith)
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posted:
Three guys are waiting in line to get into heaven
It's been a long day, and the train to get into heaven was getting really full. So God orders St. Peter to only let people into the train that have had really horrible, sad, or morbid deaths that day.
St. Peter goes up to the first guy in line and says "I need to hear how you died before I can decide if you can go to heaven today."
First guy in line starts out: "Well... I've had a really bad day... For a really long time, I've suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So I decided to come home early to try to catch her in the act. I got home and went up to the fiftieth floor of my apartment building (where I live) and opened the door. As soon as I stepped in, I knew something was terribly wrong right when I stepped in cuz my wife was still buttoning up her shirt.
So I looked everywhere! In the closet, under the bed, in the bathroom, the shower, behind the curtains, and FINALLY, I saw him on the balony! Hanging from the railing by his fingers! So I went out there and started beating and kicking him to try to make him let go! But he was strong... So I went back inside my house and grabbed a hammer! I started pounding on his fingers and that got him loose. But even after 50 stories, he landed in some bushes! Still.... freakin... alive...
So I went back inside my house, grabbed my refrigerator, and tossed it over the edge, crushing him! But... then all the anxiety got to me and I had a heart attack and died... So here I am...." 
"Wow... That really sucks..." Said St. Peter. "Go on in"
Next guy in line: "I've had the weirdest day... I live on the fifty-first floor of my apartment building, and every afternoon I go out onto my balcony to do exercizes. I must have slipped or something... Cuz I fell off... But I got really lucky!!! I caught the balcony below me! I knew I couldn't hold on for too long, but then a man came out. I thought for sure I was saved!!! But then he started beating and kicking me... 
I held on for a while but then he went back in and grabbed a hammerl.... Started pounding on my fingers... it... I just let go after that. But even after 50 stories, I landed in some bushes! I thought, Wow! What luck!!! But then a refrigerator fell from the sky and crushed me... So here I am..."
"Bummer... Go on in..." Said St. Peter.
Third guy in line: "Alright.... Picture this... so I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator...."
Three guys are waiting in line to get into heaven
It's been a long day, and the train to get into heaven was getting really full. So God orders St. Peter to only let people into the train that have had really horrible, sad, or morbid deaths that day.
St. Peter goes up to the first guy in line and says "I need to hear how you died before I can decide if you can go to heaven today."
First guy in line starts out: "Well... I've had a really bad day... For a really long time, I've suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So I decided to come home early to try to catch her in the act. I got home and went up to the fiftieth floor of my apartment building (where I live) and opened the door. As soon as I stepped in, I knew something was terribly wrong right when I stepped in cuz my wife was still buttoning up her shirt.
So I looked everywhere! In the closet, under the bed, in the bathroom, the shower, behind the curtains, and FINALLY, I saw him on the balony! Hanging from the railing by his fingers! So I went out there and started beating and kicking him to try to make him let go! But he was strong... So I went back inside my house and grabbed a hammer! I started pounding on his fingers and that got him loose. But even after 50 stories, he landed in some bushes! Still.... freakin... alive...
So I went back inside my house, grabbed my refrigerator, and tossed it over the edge, crushing him! But... then all the anxiety got to me and I had a heart attack and died... So here I am...." "Wow... That really sucks..." Said St. Peter. "Go on in"Next guy in line: "I've had the weirdest day... I live on the fifty-first floor of my apartment building, and every afternoon I go out onto my balcony to do exercizes. I must have slipped or something... Cuz I fell off... But I got really lucky!!! I caught the balcony below me!
I knew I couldn't hold on for too long, but then a man came out. I thought for sure I was saved!!! But then he started beating and kicking me... I held on for a while but then he went back in and grabbed a hammerl.... Started pounding on my fingers... it... I just let go after that. But even after 50 stories, I landed in some bushes! I thought, Wow! What luck!!! But then a refrigerator fell from the sky and crushed me... So here I am...""Bummer... Go on in..." Said St. Peter.
Third guy in line: "Alright.... Picture this... so I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator...."
Never take candy from strangers...... But popcorn is okay!
GOLD Member
All High Dude, Ruler of What You Want
2,280 posts
Location: Trenton, MI, USA
All High Dude, Ruler of What You Want
2,280 posts
Location: Trenton, MI, USA
Posted:
Fourth Guy in Line: I died from laughing too hard at the friday funnies thread on HoP.
Fourth Guy in Line: I died from laughing too hard at the friday funnies thread on HoP.
The only luck is bad luck.
Shut up before I stall my poi up your ass
Familiar stranger giving out popcorn. (formerly Ascilith)
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
1,264 posts
Location: Lawrence, KS
Posted:
rofl. My two favorite jokes/stories
rofl. My two favorite jokes/stories
Never take candy from strangers...... But popcorn is okay!
GOLD Member
All High Dude, Ruler of What You Want
2,280 posts
Location: Trenton, MI, USA
All High Dude, Ruler of What You Want
2,280 posts
Location: Trenton, MI, USA
Posted:
Mine now too
Mine now too
The only luck is bad luck.
Shut up before I stall my poi up your ass
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