Posted:Ok-so I want some opinions on something that's going on in my life at the present time. Well...I got pregnant at 16(right after I turned 16, now 17) and had a kid last year. She was going to be adopted(because the father and i agreed it was best for the child) by my aunt and uncle who have 2 children but are unable to have more. They are stable financially and emotionally to care for another. After the child is born the adoption process begins, she goes to the adoptive parents home. But a few weeks later the father says he wants her back. And now there is a big custody battle taking place. I'm confused as hell and I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for the guy I had the kid with but I don't know if I should trust him. I know it's not much info on the situation but I need people that aren't biased to give me their honest opinions. And please, please, please, don't dis me getting pregnant at an early age-I get that enough. Message me or post on here what you think. Thanks. --sorry if the english isnt that good.
Posted:no dissin at all - why? People (in the West) tend to get intimate around 14... maybe a lesson you will remember for the rest of your life, if your uncle and auntie adopted the child, it remains close to you, allows you to finish your education. It's 'family', so (at least I hope) there's a lot of love involved.
You fail to mention the age and financial situation of the father, which would come into play when trying see the big picture.
But what I draw from it right now, he's acting quite selfish. The kid is growing up close to the two of you guys, unless he's really settled and stable (and a great deal older) I can see no reason why he should be granted custody - especially only now, AFTER the procedure is completed.
Feelings or not - that's not the point right now. It's more about what's right for the child. Your aunt and uncle do have two children already and you can observe how they are with them... usually it gets better with practise (like most things)...
Remember: your children don't BELONG to you, they come through you. They are not property but living (sentinent) beings... if he wants to involve himself in the process of bringing them up, he may spend time there.
I'm sure that there can be a solution found, without "battling" - usually things tend to turn a little ugly, when fighting (over children)...
I really hope that you find the strength and patience to go through all this - it's a big challenge...
Lots of compassion and to you, thanks for the trust you put in us...
Posted:Having given a daughter up for adoption myself when I was 18, my advice would be to leave the child where you think she will be best off. I don't regret my decision to have complete strangers raise her because I knew I wasn't going to be able to myself (first semester of college, father living 5 hours away). She was far better off in a stable marriage with 30 somethings as parents.
Have the adoption papers been finalized? I know the very first thing we had to do before the adoptive parents were allowed custody was to have the judges stamp that all our parental rights were terminated.
Have you tried asking the father why he wants the daughter back? Maybe you could incorporate some of his fears into her upbringing with your aunt & uncle so that he's ok with the idea? Just a thought, anyway. I bet he's scared about the whole process too. It takes an awful lot of time and money to care for a newborn, so I'd make sure he's up for it before ever agreeing to let him have custody (and has a strong support group to help him through it because I can guarantee it won't be easy on his own).
Posted: I can understand him being like that- I mean, she's being brought up as part of your family- but not part of his..
It doesn't sounds like he's really in a situation where it would be the best thing to actually have custody- but will he still have any formalised contact (something no-one can just back out of at a later date)? If not, is there some way he could arrange to still be a part of her life if he wants that, even if it's just seeing her occasionally, that everyone is happy with and can stick to? If your aunt and uncle would be happy with that, maybe that would be enough for him? I don't envy you being stuck in the middle like that.
I reckon the best thing that can happen right now is everyone talk over what exactly everyone wants, and figure out a compromise calmly and get it sorted before she's really old enough to get what's going on.
Posted:Thanks everyone. Poje: No I'm not seeing him any longer. We both agreed that with the custody battle the relationship we had wouldn't be able to last. Spritie: The papers weren't finalized. She was with the adoptive parents only about 6 weeks before she had to come back and live with me. The reason I wanted to adopt her was because I knew a home with 2 parents in a stable relationship and financial position would be best for her but I guess he didn't see it that way. I've asked him many times why he wants her and he said he couldn't live with himself if he hadn't cared for her. Which I don't really understand because my aunt and uncle were more than willing to let him see her anytime he wanted. I don't think he really understands the responsibilities of a child either, being an only child himself. Hamamelis: The middle part above pertains to one of your questions... And unfortunately the calm compromising is not a option at this point. We've tried this many times and either his mother gets in the middle of it(when it should be his choice in the first place) or the lawyers say we should talk about it just the two of us and that usually goes no where.
I think that answers most of your questions. Thanks again for you input.
Posted:See, the middle part is actually that one essential.
It is less about your daughter than because of him...
I also understand why he's trying to make an effort - as Hamamelis put it, hence this effort should reflect in benefitting your daughter rather than being divisive.
It's possibly extremely hard to keep your calm - please remember also that he is the biological father of your child and - as such - he does have a connection with your child. Try to retreat as much as possible - if you must - whilst explaining that you need to keep a positive attitude as much as possible, for the sake of a possible future.
he won't be 18 and jobless forever, but sometimes the emotional hurt (of both) carries for decades...
All the best - I hope you find a way and all turns out perfect for everybody involved
journeyman Location: Anglesey, Wales, UK soon to be...
Total posts: 77
Posted:You asked for opinions, this is mine. (Just remember Opinions are like Ar*eH0les) everybody has one!)
Keep the child yourself, accept help from the family in raising the child, if the father wants to be part of the childs life tell him to get a job and start acting responsible.
I had my first child at 20 (too young in my eyes), I had to grow up bloody fast. If you are old enough to have the child in the first place, then you BOTH have to get to grips with being parents fast. I can see where you are coming from by getting your aunt and uncle to adopt, but is that gonna be the right thing in the long run. What happens in a few years time when you suddenly realise that, that is your child they are raising and you want her back? Think all options through. Believe me it will be hard, (I am now 28 and having my third in 7weeks, it is still hard) but it is worth every second of blood sweat and tears.
I know I sound like your typical old man whinging on about the youth of today, but dont make a choice just because it is easy. Dont have your child adopted, instead sit down with your family and the father (because taking it through the courts will only make solicitors happy) and disscuss the best option for all. Can you get any state help until the baby is older and you can get on your feet properly? (i dont know how it works in the US, but in the UK you would of been given all the benefits you could handle plus a house lol.
You say you never intended to keep him from seeing the little un, then maybe involve him a lot more in the decision on her future.
Good luck and sorry for ranting on, its just I feel like some people are too worried about offending people to be honest and say what needs to be said. But if I have offended you anywhere in this rant then I apologise.
remembers when it was all fields round here Location: in the works... somewhere..., ...
Total posts: 2790
Posted:Originally Posted By: zyonchaos(i dont know how it works in the US, but in the UK you would of been given all the benefits you could handle plus a house lol.
Sigh... more likely a bed & breakfast or hostel with most of your possessions in storage then being put into private rented accommodation and moved every 6 months for years before any chance of permanent social housing, actually. Off topic but worth pointing out that the UK welfare state isn't one big gravy train! There are quite a few of us who know about eligibility in the UK but is there anyone around on HoP who knows about what (relatively little, as I understand it) is available in the US?
Anyway, hi CJdark No dissing from me for becoming pregnant at an "early" age - I myself did the same. Nearly a decade later, people still think it's acceptable to ask whether I have any "regrets" (I don't) while they wouldn't ask someone in their 30s or 40s. On the other hand, if anyone says you don't look old enough to be a mother, that's a compliment and you only need worry when people stop saying it
The first thing which springs to my mind regarding your situation is that, presumably once your child has been officially adopted, not only would your aunt and uncle have no obligation to facilitate contact between you and your child, but you would have no right to challenge that. However good your relationship is with them now, they may change their minds and want to make a fresh start, especially considering the current custody battle.
You must of course do what is best for your daughter, but I wouldn't agree that it necessarily means leaving her with your aunt and uncle. Being one generation below them, I'd bet you're more able to run around after her than they are.
You obviously haven't stated why you and the father separated or why you don't know whether you can trust him but it doesn't sound as if he just wants your daughter back for the sake of it, rather than for the right reasons and as such, I'm inclined to believe he deserves a chance.
Your aunt and uncle have had 2 children so as sad as it may be that they are unable to have more, it shouldn't be a factor in your decision as they can still adopt from anywhere, whereas once you sign over your parental rights, there would be no going back for you.
Purely out of interest, though: what is the father's mother's opinion on this?
Welfare state or not, father or not: I believe you could find a way to provide a stable home for your daughter. It would be very hard work but hey - that's parenthood!
Posted:Zyonchaos: It was the father's decision to adopt the child out as well as mine-he has been a part of her life and has taken part of the decision making. We both thought about the options and decided it was best, before she was born. And the reason why I did want the other family to adopt her was because I knew she would be better off with them. Even if I did want her back I would put that aside so the child could have a good life. Spanner: The reason why we split was because of the custody battle. And some of the things brought up during it is the cause of the trust issue. Anyway- I'm glad to hear what you have to say since you had a child at an early age as well. But I wouldn't have tried to have my child adopted if I didn't think it was for the best. And I believe the boy's mother intended on fighting for the child from the time he and I said we wanted the child to be adopted. I don't really know how to explain it much more than that though. Thanks for letting me know how you feel.
journeyman Location: Anglesey, Wales, UK soon to be...
Total posts: 77
Posted:CJ I have just read what you have said here (once again I apologise for going off on one, didnt mean to offend).
Read what you have written and then read what you have typed as your forum signature. Follow your heart girl, as I said Opinions are like Ar*eHoles we all have one. You say that even if you did want her back you would be able to put it aside so the child could have a good life. Bab, things change in life trust me, this time last year both me and the wife were working steady jobs plenty of money, step forward 12months and she is out of work due to illness and we are now struggling financially, but still having another child who we will love just as much as the other two.
Now this is life changing for the worst however in two months time I start my new job with a promotion which means more money life gets better. There will be times where life feels too hard and at your age trust me I know it feels like you have the world sitting on your shoulders instead of holding a door open in front of you. You are in a bad situation, but it will get better. Just think it through really hard and then follow your heart, sometimes your mind will get in the way.
Spanner, I know what I ranted comes across as very high and mighty (again apologies lol) and that the UK is a gravy train, it's just that it seems that way more and more, both my brother and brother in law earn more a month in benefits (with car and house paid for) than myself who has been in the RAF for nearly 10yrs, just doesnt seem right in my eyes.
Posted:Yeah-the mind can get in the way. I've been there and done that a few times already. And no offense taken-I wanted opinions and knew I would get them. Thanks for taking time out of your day and letting me know how you feel.
Posted:Was just going through some stuff on here and came across this again. Here's and update on the issue if anyone is interested... The custody battle is finally over. I have primary physical custody now. The issue we have to deal with now is a visitation schedule for while I'm off to college (which is located in a different state). The father and I aren't really on the best of terms anymore due to his current girlfriend which kinda saddens me but there is nothing I can really do about it. Emma is over a year old and very, very active lol. She loves spinning my fluffies with me when I practice ^_^ That's about it. This whole experience has changed me and the way I think about things but I think it was for the better. Thanks again to everyone who posted to this topic.