Forums > Help! > I think I'm loosing my boyfriend...

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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:I'm not positive if this is something that is reasonable to post on HoP But I don't know what else to do...
I'm young, I know, very young, but I really do love him, and I can't see me with anyone else in the future...
We have been together since early December last year. We had been broken up for a couple month's time, but got back together, seemingly stronger than ever before...
Just recently he hasn't been getting on to talk to me. (Currently we can only talk through the computer) I talked to him once last night, none the past few nights, and not tonight.

Every time I think about loosing him I can't help but cry and it gets unbearably hard to breathe.. I've also noticed that I end up wrapping my arms around myself.. almost as if to hold myself together...
I have lost someone else before... he faked suicide and moved across the country... And that did wonders for my self-esteem...(So much better than just breaking up with me...)

I'm sorry if I seem a bother, or if this comes of as some teenage-love thing... but I really don't know how I could ever handle loosing him...

Does anyone know what I should do? Have any of you been through something like this?

Thank you in advance... hug


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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BansheeCat
veteran
Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247
Posted:hey chica, I know it is so hard to visualise making it through this at the moment, but you will, honest, you will. The feelings you have now will change. The cliche of time healing all wounds really is true. Really!

You cant really lose someone, you never had him. Try shifting your perspective to realise you were just sharing love and time for a while, and be thankful for the time you had. Nothing is forever. It may be you continue a relationship with him,and resolve whatever the current challenge to your communication is. Or maybe not --be open to the possibility that the dynamic between you may change.It may hurt now, but in the long run, you may even see that as a good thing.

Some things, love and relationships included, are just perfect for certain times, come to a natural ending point, and then we move on... It is how we grow!

Ending one of the first important romantic relationships is hard, for sure. Specially if it is not by your choice. It is okay to feel sad, confused, angry, a whole range of whatever you may be feeling. Just dont get stuck there! Cry, sure, but find some things to make you laugh too. And yeah, do give yourself a huge hug, hold yourself together, be kind to yourself, that is great!

In the meantime, focus on your support systems, the people who you can reach out to, and enjoy talking and doing things with-- your friends, your family... Or maybe throw yourself into a project, learn something new... do all the things that make you feel the most yourself, the best happiest version of yourself.

It is good to love wholeheartedly, but also good to know there are more, many many more, than "one" guy out there for you to share those feelings with. You have a whole lifetime of loving ahead of you, dont fear!If you have to let this one go, do it knowing it is for the best. The right people to be with are the ones who want also to be with you! You deserve that, to have your feelings happily and freely reciprocated.

Hearts heal, it is amazing, you will discover ways to handle it. Trust in your capacity to grow learn and love again. One day at a time, you can handle one day. Let each one be a new day, I would suggest that at age 14, you dont think in terms of forever -- everything, and i do mean everything, changes!!!

It will get better, and better... and even more better...

***I also used to find reading or writing really bad poetry helped during breakups. I have books of the drivel I wrote during highschool, it makes me laugh now!


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

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bender
still can't believe it's not butter
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Member Since: 14th Nov 2001
Total posts: 6979
Posted:hey WiccanChica, the insecurity you feel without mr boyfriend is the level of attachment that comes with these feelings. It's universal, so don't be hard on yourself.
my thoughts are that you can tough it out now mate, in the knowledge that each of these experiences will make you stronger. These clouds pass and each time you will believe more strongly in your own independence when they do.

Remember that love of yourself is an important relationship too. take it easier on yourself.

It's a great sign that you have the ability to discuss this - This burden is a necessary rite of growing up however it's a burden you needn't shoulder yourself.

thanks for your candour!
b

hug2


Laugh Often, Smile Much, Post lolcats Always

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natasqi
natasqi

addict
Location: Perth
Member Since: 4th Jul 2007
Total posts: 489
Posted:My advice is to get out o the place you're currently in. The Pain place. The pain place is bad.

From the pain place you have to move to the decision place. The "will I stay or will i go" decision which is ridiculously hard. I think you should talk openly and honestly with him about your feelings. If you think that talking about your feelings will upset him or drive him away - then you have your answer.
If he addresses your problems and you can work through them, great!

If not, don't let him walk all over you.

Surround yourself with friends, have a big cry session (but just one), get it all out then ask them to distract you (this is just my technique, doesn't work for some..) and keep you busy.

I also find getting angry feels better than sad, so I often go for angry, go paintballing or boxing or something... very therapeutic.


I don't think age means that the love and feelings you feel aren't real, it just makes relationships harder because you base your decisions off terrible TV shows, none of which display open communication.

Good luck!

Nat


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natasqi
natasqi

addict
Location: Perth
Member Since: 4th Jul 2007
Total posts: 489
Posted:Other advice I nearly forgot is...

Female brains can work overtime at analysing things he said, his actions, the specific words he used etc etc.
It happens to everyone (even those of us who try to suppress our girly side).
So when you 'confront' him.. don't go in there guns blazing, because there's always the possibility he won't have any idea what you're talking about, hasn't been avoiding you at all, just been busy lately.

If you start accusing him of things that are wrong, he will most likely bite back.


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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:Thank you guys. It helps to know that if need be I can come here and I'll have support.

BansheeCat - I like the idea of seeing things from a different perspective. And I also already write.. I wouldn't be surprised if my story suddenly changed, it does often with my mood. I also laugh at old writings that went over periods of time, because they will be happy then something tragic will happen and it will be a really sad story. My Language Arts teacher last year was worried because everything I wrote was sad.

Bender - I know that I get stronger after every heartbreak, but I don't know when its too much.. There is a breaking point in all of us. I almost always have to talk to someone about my problems, as my sister once said I need people.. even if its just a Teddy... I try to love myself, spinning, writing, and piano help with that, because I'm good at those things... When I get some more energy back I'll probably be going out for spins a lot more often.

Natasqi - I am a little afraid to confront him.. but only because I'm afraid that he'll think I'm trying to push him away.. Hes extraordinarily understanding, but sometimes he gets my reasons confused. If I did confront him I probably wouldn't be saying much, for fear of saying too much (i.e. "guns blazing") Also.. I don't really have friends to have a "cry session" with.. I talk to people at school occasionally, but that's about it. People steer clear of me because they see me as a "witch" because of my being wiccan.

Thank you guys again for the support. It really does help hug hug hug hugs all around grouphug


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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BansheeCat
veteran
Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247
Posted:hey hun, what about seeking out someone in the wiccan community to be a good support friend? We all do need at least one. Or a cat. A good snuggly cat is sometimes even better!


To be honest, friends are much more important to develop than romantic relationships at this point in your life, so maybe spend some time focussing on that! find some common ground, people who share the things you love, and wont be turned away due to your spiritual belief. i find most people dont even know my spiritual beleifs until we are already pretty close, and I am a full blown witch too. I just dont wear it on the outside all that much any more .

Glad you write ! I know it helped me a lot over the years.Stories, poems... jeannette winterson has some amazingly expressed writing on love, The Power Book just blew me away. Sort of poetry/prose mixed...


Natsqi , I like your advice too, remembering how different someone elses perspective may be- the guy sometimes is not aware there is even a problem. !!!! So be gentle,with yourself and him, whether working on staying together, or leaving gracefully. In does not need to be a big dramatic thing. A good chance to work on openness and honest kind communication!

good luck, and thanks for sharing!
xox
a


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

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Fire_Moose
Fire_Moose

Elusive and Bearded
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Member Since: 2nd May 2007
Total posts: 3597
Posted:Seems like a good excuse to focus on yer staff now wink

O.B.E.S.E.

Owned by Mynci!

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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:BansheeCat - I would try and find someone else who's wiccan, but I knot that where I live it just isn't possible, all my friends are on the computer. I had a 'sister' who was wiccan but she moved a county over, and of anyone else who bothers to talk to me just doesn't understand my thought process... apparently I think differently than others. I have a cat though. Shes on my lap, trying to type at the moment smile she wants to be known.

Poje - Yes, it is. Hopefully I'll be able to concentrate on that and learn a lot. I'm slowly getting closer and closer to getting the Halo. smile

Thanks for all the replies you guys, as I've said it helps a lot.

Merci Boko!

Blessed Be


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:Give yourself time. Think. On different days when you're in different moods so you don't make rash decisions.

Don't listen to people who tell you to 'just get over him now' because you can't force yourself to do that and (in my experience from when I was a similar age to you) that's more likely to make you feel alienated from your friends as well which is not what you need right now. You need their support for a clear mind to think.


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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UCOF
UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel

Member Since: 17th Apr 2002
Total posts: 15414
Posted:Originally Posted By: Rouge DragonGive yourself time. Think. On different days when you're in different moods so you don't make rash decisions.

That is the best bit of advice in this thread.


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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:Thank you all so much.

It is official now, we are no longer together but on friendly terms (I probably got a lot of help keeping it on friendly terms with your advice.)

I will try to give myself time, look for someone I can call a sister, rather than someone to call my boyfriend. I doubt I'll be in a relationship for quite a while anyway. Though its a tad difficult, I try to think clearly, and think everything through before doing something.

I'm trying just to stay focused on school work and people I talk to there. I don't know for sure but I'm guessing this process is harder to go through without friends.

Again, Thank you all so much, I am very grateful.

Blessed Be


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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aston
aston

Unofficial Chairperson of Squirrel Defense League
Location: South Africa
Member Since: 2nd Dec 2007
Total posts: 4061
Posted:I managed to avoid even kissing a girl until I was 18 (or boy, but as my tastes do not run that way so still have not).

Anyway, I hope you can stay friends with him. Everyone needs friends. smile
And no, it does not get easier, at least in my experience which is limited.


'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

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FireTom
Stargazer

Member Since: 20th Sep 2003
Total posts: 6650
Posted:It's hard to get someone dear "off your mind" - get busy girl. Go out (not necessarily party), be active, don't stay at home as long as it's not absolutely necessary.

If you got nobody to talk to - it's even more important to keep yourself busy, or with a cat wink

Andrea (BansheeCat) and the others pretty much already posted what I would say, so I just side them hug

If you need someone to chat with: HoP got a chat section too smile

and remember: it's all perfect - so are you

hug


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:Originally Posted By: FireTomIt's hard to get someone dear "off your mind" - get busy girl. Go out (not necessarily party), be active, don't stay at home as long as it's not absolutely necessary.

My family's cure for anything bad has always been sport/exercise. For me it's either my boat or my bike, but anything to get the blood flowing works smile


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:aston - I hope I can stay friends with him as well.. I manage okay without friends, just gets kind of lonely every now-and-again. I will probably always be alone... unless my 'sister' moves back, which she might, and I'm pleased about that.

FireTom - I actually am not perfect, I wouldn't want to be either, it would be excruciatingly boring. I have fun running into things, falling out of bed, tripping up stairs, and pretty much just making a fool of myself. So, no I'm not perfect, but I am happy with my imperfections.

Rouge - I love to ride my bike, I try to every day after school. I'm not extremely athletic... I have really bad asthma and my knees are messed up some way, among other heath problems, but I do try to exercise.. It leaves me too tired to think


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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Mother_Natures_Son
Mother_Natures_Son

Rampant whirler.
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Member Since: 1st Aug 2007
Total posts: 2418
Posted:Well, I've got two pieces of advice to throw into the mix...

One... if its not easy being friends with him... hold it off for a while, a few months should be plenty of cooling time. Remnants of emotions can tend to have irritating effects on humans, and as such it can be easier to be friends if you just both agree on not talking for a little while til you've both had a bit more time to come to terms with things...

And the second... if you're having trouble thinking clearly... go grab your staff... you should probably make some poi, too... not because I'm a crazy poister and trying to convert you, but poi are good because you can take them anywhere and use them wherever you are... and wherever you might need to clear your mind.

But anyway, stay positive, try to focus on the good things about now being friends, it gives you more opportunity to make other friends...

I've had so much more contact with friends since I split from my last girlfriend... I feel a lot more satisfied (I've also had more time to poi)

Good luck, happy spinning and schtuff.


hug

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BansheeCat
veteran
Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247
Posted:I would work on recognizing and changing mindsets like " I will probably always be alone..."

You are at a fabulous point in your life, where you have great flexibility and opportunity to create your identity. Little by little determine who and how you want to be. Holding on to concepts and ideas- like :I am strange, i am unloveable, i am always alone , I am ( fillinthe blank) can make them your version of reality. The more time you spend identifying with those thoughts, the more they will solidify, and you will behave that way, ultimately making it who you are -- at least until yo manage to see through that and open yourself up to a bigger range of possibilities...

Stay open, explore those possibilities... I bet a million dollars you wont "always "be alone! Love is waiting to ambush us all, it is everywhere, in all sorts of forms!
xoxo
a



"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

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Mother_Natures_Son
Mother_Natures_Son

Rampant whirler.
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Member Since: 1st Aug 2007
Total posts: 2418
Posted:BansheeCat has given me a tiny spark... ever looked into the ideals of buddhism? If not, check it out. Theres a book out there thats pretty easy to understand... Buddhism for Busy People.

I understand you say you're Wiccan, but just to clarify, buddhism isn't a religion its a way of thinking, a way of thinking that has an emphasis that thoughts and who you are are linked by the thoughts controlling your actions... not a religion.

It can really help improve your outlook on life... you don't need to accept everything straight off, thats not what its about... you can have your own definition... karma for example interpreted by me is not necessarily an external force... while it may well be, at a minimum it controls who we are as an internal force, the more good things we do, the better we tend to become (If its combined with mindfulness) and as such things tend to go our way... people always tend to help those that they see have a kind heart, thinking karmically can help us to have a kind heart that radiates from the centre of our being out to those who experience our presence.

Damn... don't I just sound like a raving hippy? peace Sorry for the rambling post.


hug

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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:MNS - I have some Poi I made (I use the term "poi" haphazardly I'm not meant for making, more of drawing and what not) I spin them a lot as well as staff, I tend to practice staff more though because I just started with that. Also, we talk only a little here and there, and I've been hoping that in a few month's time we'll be talking a fair amount again. I'll look up Buddhism on the internet some.

BansheeCat - I know that I will find someone else to love, and it will be just as glorious, if not more so. I don't think of myself as unlovable.. though I am strange.. I know I don't fit in with the crowd and I never will, but I don't mind, it makes me all the more special.


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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Mother_Natures_Son
Mother_Natures_Son

Rampant whirler.
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Member Since: 1st Aug 2007
Total posts: 2418
Posted:Oh! I forgot to add that Karma can also be viewed as simply a way to analyse the things we do, to be mindful of the way we treat others as well as analysing the things we receive... if you go out and do a good thing or a few good things and from it expect good karma, then you will find so many happy things going on in your life you just would have ignored previously.

And any negative experiences can merely be a way of bettering yourself... if you're in an irritating situation, use it as an opportunity to practice your patience and thinking of others. How can you be angry with someone who has just condemned themselves to negative karma, whether its an external force or an internal one?


hug

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aston
aston

Unofficial Chairperson of Squirrel Defense League
Location: South Africa
Member Since: 2nd Dec 2007
Total posts: 4061
Posted:Well, also for what it is worth, 14 is a bit young to be resigning yourself to "always will be alone".
(Not that I can argue much, not having had many friends at school (odd one out in a small town is not something that is always fun to be) but as soon as my horizons broadened a bit when I got to varsity (more people etc) I met a bunch of nutcases similar to me.)

It will work out at some point, almost prepared to promise it. smile

Also, bad kung fu movies are a great way to get over many things if you just need to turn off for a bit. wink


'We're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad." [said the Cat.]
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "Or you wouldn't have come here."
- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:MNS - I like that "How can you be angry at someone who just condemned themselves to negative karma...?" I don't know why, but somehow I found it funny. But it is a very good point. Probably a fairly easy way to control anger (though I haven't ever really had an issue with that).

aston - I know 14 is all around young. I don't think I'll always be alone.. I'm sure I'll find friends in life, if nothing else. I can't always be the "creepy chick" to absolutely everyone. And bad kung fu movies... I'll have to look into that one. smile


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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Mother_Natures_Son
Mother_Natures_Son

Rampant whirler.
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Member Since: 1st Aug 2007
Total posts: 2418
Posted:Ever thought of joining the scouts? I dunno what its like in America, but in Australia the 14-18 year old age bracket category (Venturers) is full of freaks... a large number of them twirlers, a few of them doing escape stuff and that kind of junk, also. I never spoke to those freaks much, I was too busy roaming around the non-twirling freaks.

It probably would've unsettled me not being the strangest person there, too.


hug

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FireTom
Stargazer

Member Since: 20th Sep 2003
Total posts: 6650
Posted:Originally Posted By: WiccanChicaFireTom - I actually am not perfect, I wouldn't want to be either, it would be excruciatingly boring. I have fun running into things, falling out of bed, tripping up stairs, and pretty much just making a fool of myself. So, no I'm not perfect, but I am happy with my imperfections.

That's a very good approach (wonders where he mentioned "perfection", though)... except for the "it would be boring" part... Ever met someone "perfect"? Ever been "perfect" yourself, to make this claim (apart from having been a baby at some stage)? wink One thing is for sure - aiming for perfection must be one of the most frustrating past-times on this planet.

Btw: how long is "always" acc. to your definition? wink

EDITED_BY: FireTom (1222185079)


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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WiccanChica
The wee little one on the block
Location: Colorado, USA
Member Since: 2nd Aug 2008
Total posts: 147
Posted:MNS - Where I live, at least, if I say the word "spin" some one will start spinning in a circle and everyone else will look at me funny. Scouts here are... Normal, though smart... They aren't quite strange in the way I would define the word.

FireTom - I have not met anyone perfect. But I think if you were perfect you would never make the little mistakes that so often entertain people. And, no, I have never been perfect, not even as a baby. So you do have a very good point. (You had said "
and remember: it's all perfect - so are you" that's where I got perfect)
Also, I use the term "always" in a since that... not necessarily every moment for the rest of my life, but majority of my life.


My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

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Mother_Natures_Son
Mother_Natures_Son

Rampant whirler.
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Member Since: 1st Aug 2007
Total posts: 2418
Posted:I've vastly ignored the "always" comment... just because I doubt you'll believe what I say and I think you'll learn the truth on your own, in time.

Just remember to be friendly and approachable no matter who you're speaking to... the way we treat those we dislike is what truly shows our character. You could perhaps whirl at school, teach anyone who takes an interest in what you're doing.

Even take a spare pair.


hug

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FireTom
Stargazer

Member Since: 20th Sep 2003
Total posts: 6650
Posted:Ahhh, that's what you refer to...

Things are perfect as they are... at any given time.

To quote: "The Universe is perfect, there is nothing to be changed about it. If you cross the road and fall and happen to knock out your front teeth - it's part of the perfect picture. If you decide to have them fixed, it's part of te perfect picture, too."

Sure, pointing at the Universe when there's a splinter in your index, is not really helpful or changing much of your mood. But isn't it our judgement (based upon our (limited) observation) that makes things imperfect?

Meaning that the lessons you (and/or your boyfriend) learn from what happened in the end might be much more important for the two of you than actually having a romantic relationship...

Mistakes... as long as they are entertaining, they are definitely part of the perfect picture. Some people need to laugh about others to feel good about themselves and others need to be laughed about in order to stay humble wink


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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Mother_Natures_Son
Mother_Natures_Son

Rampant whirler.
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Member Since: 1st Aug 2007
Total posts: 2418
Posted:[quote=FireTom]
Sure, pointing at the Universe when there's a splinter in your index, is not really helpful or changing much of your mood. But isn't it our judgement (based upon our (limited) observation) that makes things imperfect?
/quote]

To add to that, Tom, any stimulus you come across is put through the filter of your mind and your interpretation of anything is what that then becomes. An unaltered state of mind is nothingness without sensory input of any kind, to alter that state the information must first be put through the filter of your mind, after that we make a judgment on it, giving it its meaning and power... that can be as simple as "that is a chair" to as complex as "I miss him/her"


hug

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FireTom
Stargazer

Member Since: 20th Sep 2003
Total posts: 6650
Posted:Originally Posted By: MNSJust remember to be friendly and approachable no matter who you're speaking to... the way we treat those we dislike is what truly shows our character.

No offense - is it wrong NOT to treat everybody else like your inborn child? umm wink

Originally Posted By: CG Jung"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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Mother_Natures_Son
Mother_Natures_Son

Rampant whirler.
Location: Geelong, Victoria, Australia!
Member Since: 1st Aug 2007
Total posts: 2418
Posted:No, FireTom, I'm not saying go to that extreme, but to be approachable and civil is quite enough.

Even being abrasive is not "wrong" in the true sense of the word. Its not the best way to go about things, but as a construction of our environments and internal constructions, we can't really be blamed if we're not perfect in the way we communicate with others.

But there are much better ways to be, more beneficial ways for ourselves and for others. (Whether or not we care about others) But caring for those that don't care for us changes our internal mechanisms for the better...

Does that make sense?


hug

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