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ben-ja-menGOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia


Posted:
So last night i was informed by my girlfriend that shes going to go study in singapoure next semester. We had talked a little bit about her studying overseas next year and me going with her. Yesterday when she went to talk to the uni ppl about it and they said they had one 5K scholarship left that she could have if she was the next person to submit an application, last night she told me how excited she was at the idea of making it on her own in a new country.

She didnt even ask me how i felt about it or if there was anyway that i could go next semester. Im a bit ..... well alot annoyed about it at the moment and not really sure how to broach the topic without raining on her parade (she was the most excited ive seen her in along time). She thinks a long distance relationship will work, ive had three of them and hated each one. So im looking for some advice on how to talk to her about it and what to do.

Have you had a partner make a big life changing decision without first talking to you about it, if so how did you deal with it and what was the result?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?


MikeGinnyGOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,923 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA


Posted:
The only man I feel I've ever felt so strongly enough about that I was *sure* he could be the father of my children just moved to New York right before I was leaving. Now he's leaving before I am.

My view is that at this point I am not as important in his life as his life is. Until he reaches that point and I reach that point, the relationship is not meant to be. Sad as I am about it because I feel comfortable around him. Like totally open and comfortable. And that's so rare.

If she has made this decision and is willing to leave you for it, then she has made a decision about what is most important to her. You need to similarly make a decision about what is most important to you.

Ben, do you love this woman with your heart and soul? Are you willing to give up everything you know and love to be with her?

If yes, then go. If not, then don't.

Either way, you are up for a shake-up in your life.

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura


Rouge DragonBRONZE Member
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia


Posted:
But is she *leaving* you for it? She might not realise that next semester is so different from next year. She might have thought that because next year was ok, next semester with a 5k scholarship would come under the same ok-ness as next year.



Edited cos I put the emphasis on the wrong word
EDITED_BY: Rouge Dragon (1210746415)

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...


PyrolificBRONZE Member
Returning to a unique state of Equilibrium
3,289 posts
Location: Adelaide, South Australia


Posted:
I think Ben's upset about it not being discussed with him...or am I reading it wrong Ben? I can see how it would be a hurtful situation, especially with your experience of long distance relationships not being positive.

Can you take time off and go with her? I'm assume she's only going for 6 months?

--
Help! My personality got stuck in this signature machine and I cant get it out!


GnorBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia


Posted:
Ben my shrink said to run away fast from this woman.
"Georgina I have this friend with blahblahblah"
"Run"

Honey you dont need this.....
Come to Perth to live so we can cosset you. ubblove hug

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


DentrassiGOLD Member
ZORT!
3,044 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
well its only one semester right? what is that say 4 months max? and possibly a visit by you for a few days in the middle? ive heard of much longer times apart from your partner...



that aside - it seems theres two options:

- when you discussed it you seemed quite interested in the idea of heading overseas - and she took that as an all out yes - she hasnt realised that youre only cool with her going if you go with her.

- or she just wants to do something by herself. it doesnt mean she doesnt love you any less - but just wants that experience of setting up in a new country.



approach from the positives of you going with her - it should break the ice and allow you to more freely explain some of your misgivings.



hope it all goes well smile
EDITED_BY: Dentrassi (1210747178)

"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.


ben-ja-menGOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia


Posted:
i dont think she intends to break up and the same scholarships will be available next year, it just happens that this year they didnt have enough ppl apply to give them all out!!

im particularly annoyed as due to her study and work load we dont see each other much (usually once a week maybe twice), often its a case of she comes round to use the phone/internet for work/centrelink/organising stuff with parents and seeing me is a convient bonus. to not really be considered/consulted about it has made me feel very bleh.

I cant really take time off as i need to finish my study/ive a limited window of opportunity to gather data for my project. I just found out that the government in their infinite wisdom has decided to pull the funding on the grant we where applying for which adds extra time pressure to finish stuff *sigh*

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?


Rouge DragonBRONZE Member
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia


Posted:
 Written by :Gnor


Honey you dont need this.....
Come to Perth to live so we can cosset you. ubblove hug



Hang on, if the relationship is over then Ben's single which means the hottie is FAIR GAME!

I take back everything I said in my previous post wink

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...


0nimember
59 posts
Location: Connecticut


Posted:
the likelihood of the relationship working out is based on the two of you and your willingness to stick to each other. if you believe she is the one for you, then you will fully support and believe in her and wait for her until she comes home to you, or until you go there to her.
mind you, singapore is a lot farther away from me than it is from you ;3 not that i know exactly where you live, but it is almost exactly 1/2 the world away from me.

i never believed in distance relationships before. i am having one now, with someone who lives in a 6-hour-different time zone. it is hard, but i really believe in him and i feel he is the perfect match for me. the way things are when we are together makes it worth every second i have to spend apart from him (and i only get to see him for 1-2 weeks every few months... and every time i see him, i don't know when the next time will be...). if you have any shred of doubt that this girl is The One, then you should let her go and do her studies without bogging her down with the guilt of leaving you behind at home. in the same respect, you shouldnt stick yourself to someone who you don't fully believe in, and drag yourself through the inner turmoil of fear and mistrust for no good reason. if you don't doubt it at all, you should live with the pain of being apart for a short time, and support her in her decision to better herself and further her potential career in order to provide the two of you with a shining future together! it's not like singapore is a 3rd world nation - they have plenty of technology and you can keep in touch over the phone and internet very easily. buy her a webcam for a going-away gift and she might even use it to keep you company ;3

DEAD FREEDOM
if you've forgotten how to scream, then scream here and live here


flash fireBRONZE Member
Sporadically Prodigal
2,758 posts
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia


Posted:
tough call. Her lack of consulation with you Ben, prior to making the decision to go, tells me that she is a free spirit, likes to think she's independant and therefore perhaps not ready for a serious relationship on an ongoing basis at this stage of her life anyway, which is okay. "Partners" discuss. "Love interests" do their own thing, usually regardless of their counterpart's feelings.

Perhaps your feelings about your relationship and where it's going and what you want out of it are not currently aligned with your girlfriend's, which warrants a serious conversation all of its own.

Good luck and yeah - FAIR GAME!!! *hug*

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BrennPLATINUM Member
Will carpal your tunnel in a minute.
3,286 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia


Posted:
That's a tough one, Ben. frown



At the end of the day it's you and only you that you have to live with. People are forever coming and going in and out of our lives but we always have to do live and deal with ourselves. With that said, I know how long you have been working on your research project and I imagine it's a very core part of you. With a partner potentially parting ways and the government pulling the rug out from under you grant-wise it understandably is going to leave you feeling neglected frown



We only have one side presented here, but if she has brought it up with you in the way that that you have described (that is, that she's excited about making her own way alone in another country), then it sounds as though she either hasn't factored everything in or doesn't plan to let anything holding her back....



I nearly went overseas earlier this year to follow a dream that I've had for the last six years, and when I was finally able to apply I was with a partner at the time who appeared to have supported me in what I wanted to do and expressed that she didn't want to stand in the way of that. I knew that if I got into teaching English in Japan there would inevitably have to be a compromise if i got in and we were still together (Note: she ended up dumping me well before I got my letter of acceptance/rejection and I didn't get into Japan in the end ubblol ). With that said, she's probably finding it really hard to raise the issues of her going overseas head on with you, and you may have to be the bigger person and ask "where does that leave us?" and validate that there will be need to be changes or compromises.



It sounds as though that there has been a long and underlying concern for how things are going between you and her if you feel like you are merely a conduit between her and getting what *she* wants in life done.



I'm with Doc on this one: if you feel you love her with your heart and soul and are prepared to forgo everything you have here to be with her in Singapore, then by all means go. However I get the feeling that there is a lot to tie you here: your project and friends and family.



Here's hoping things work out swiftly for you mate hug
EDITED_BY: Brenn (1210753087)

ॐ

Owner of burningoftheclavey smile
Owned by Lost83spy


jo_rhymesSILVER Member
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom


Posted:
'If you love something, set it free'.

My brother moved to Australia leaving his girlfriend of 4 years back in the UK.

Within 2 months he missed her so much he came back to be with her.

I say let her go and see what happens hug

But, also I think you should voice your concerns how little she has involved you in making her decision. Good luck smile

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


BirgitBRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
In her defence, I think if the same thing had come up for me I would have reacted similarly. I don't know her, so I'm presuming here, but I gather she was very much looking forward to her time abroad and had taken it for granted that it wasn't possible before next year. Now the chance has come up to do it earlier, she'll get to see an interesting place, be back to finish things up earlier, maybe even have it as a bonus point on her cv that she's done the abroad bit early.
So the uni people said "you can go now, but only if you decide straight away and are the first to apply". That's a lot of pressure. I agree with the people that say she's probably taken it for granted that you'd be ok with it. So go easy on her, but let her know you would've liked to discuss it with her. As for where your relationship's going, I hope you 2 will figure it out together!

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half


SpannerBRONZE Member
remembers when it was all fields round here
2,790 posts
Location: in the works... somewhere..., United Kingdom


Posted:
Am I right in saying one of your thoughts is "she hasn't mentioned it since: what if I ask her and she doesn't want me to go with her?" She may also be thinking "he hasn't mentioned it since: what if I ask him and he doesn't want to go with me?" It's for that reason that she may appreciate you taking that step just as much as it sounds as if you would.

Could it simply be, though, that she hasn't spoken to you about it seriously yet because she hasn't secured the scholarship? Maybe she's thinking about sitting down for the serious talk if and when that's confirmed rather than making both of you worried/excited as the case may be.

This would be a good point to think about what you would say in that conversation in the meantime. Whether going from hardly seeing each other to either not seeing each other at all or (presumably) practically moving in together in a new country and culture, each is a big leap, and they deserve your full consideration.

Hope it all works out hug

"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"


MikeGinnyGOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,923 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA


Posted:
 Written by :Rouge Dragon


[Hang on, if the relationship is over then Ben's single which means the hottie is FAIR GAME!



Dibs! I've been waiting longer than you have! Nyer!

But Ben, from your description, it sounds as if you aren't happy in this relationship. Maybe this is the kick in the pants to go find a better woman.

Or a better nice Jewish doctor. wink

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura


ben-ja-menGOLD Member
just lost .... evil init
2,474 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia


Posted:
mike if i ever get tempted to swing the other way you will be the first to know



*smiles* well after some good old boston legal im smiling again and have decided that my new ambition in life is to become denny crain *smiles*



we have started talking about stuff, much more talkinig is yet to be had, sadly i want to be much closer to being settled down all married like with children and a puppy than i am, it seems i am currently light years away frown denny crain smile ah how simple things amuse *smiles*
EDITED_BY: ben-ja-men (1210774722)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?


DurbsBRONZE Member
Classically British
5,688 posts
Location: Epsom, Surrey, England


Posted:
 Written by :ben-ja-men


mike if i ever get tempted to swing the other way you will be the first to know




Dude, we've all seen the photos in your gallery - "gay as [censored]" I believe is the standard comment wink

Never seen Boston Legal, but if it's anything like "Will & Grace" I'm sure you'll do fine.

On a (slightly) more serious note, talking's good - do more of that and see what arises.
Find out if she wants to do the whole "set up on my own" thing or was just expecting you to come along...

Oh, and come to the UK - I miss your posing.
hug

Burner of Toast
Spinner of poi
Slacker of enormous magnitude


MikeGinnyGOLD Member
HOP Mad Doctor
13,923 posts
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA


Posted:
 Written by :ben-ja-men


mike if i ever get tempted to swing the other way you will be the first to know


Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!!! bounce
 Written by

we have started talking about stuff, much more talkinig is yet to be had, sadly i want to be much closer to being settled down all married like with children and a puppy than i am, it seems i am currently light years away frown denny crain smile ah how simple things amuse *smiles*



I know what it feels like, Mate. I want kids. I want a hubby. I want a puppy. And I most *definately* want a big driveway in which we can safely practice poi. smile

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura


BirgitBRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
 Written by :ben-ja-men


sadly i want to be much closer to being settled down all married like with children and a puppy than i am, it seems i am currently light years away frown



Ditto, too. Except for the puppy. Unfortunately I haven't found the right person for that yet, the last one, after having picked potential kiddies' names, decided (without telling me until a few months later) that he didn't want kids before he was 40 after all, to which I replied he'd better look for a 18-y-old girlfriend to have them with in 10 years' time... another life-changing decision you should kind of involve your partner in wink

*accepts bets for Mike flying to Oz and returning to SF with a Ben* ubblol

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half