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Forums > Social Discussion > How to get past an affair...

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Member Since: 20th Sep 2003
Total posts: 6650
Posted:Just crossing this article at Yahoo

Yeah I know its my third thread in two days... rolleyes (sigh) spank me but I have not been unfaithful to HoP...

 Written by : Yahoo

Is it possible to regain trust and intimacy after a relationship has been marred by infidelity? This question has become increasingly important as recent statistics have shown that young people are cheating on their significant others in record rates. Indeed, a recent survey performed in Australia has found that one-third of people aged 18 to 25 have cheated on their romantic partners.

Many have faced this situation - me included - from both ends of the stick... I had issues keeping up, I had issues to understand why my GF had problems keeping up... I kept silent, I even lied at the wrong moment.

I think these advices are extremely helpful and therefore like to share them with you:

 Written by : Yahoo

The truth must come out. Whether it is a cyber affair or a relationship with a co-worker, straying partners need to come clean about the entirety of their extramarital relationships. In the case of Cheryl and Ashley, he allegedly cheated on her with three different women. If this hits close to home, take the safe road and fess up to your affairs completely. Whether or not your partner will forgive you is up in the air -- but at least the truth will finally be out.

Avoid gory details. While it is crucial to be honest with your partner, try to avoid being too graphic or explicit with the details. Yes, your partner needs to know that you cheated on him with the next-door neighbour, but he doesn't need to know minute details about the sack sessions. Your partner will already be replaying the possible scenes in his head -- the last thing he needs is extra details to fill in the blanks of his worst nightmare.

Limit the amount of outbursts. When couples encounter infidelity in their relationships, the betrayed partner often has a free-for-all in which their anger and pain is unleashed upon the guilty partner daily. While the guilty partner certainly deserves some of this feedback, couples should be careful to avoid a situation in which the infidelity becomes bigger than the relationship itself. The betrayed partner should limit their grievances and lashing out to 10 minutes, and then agree to let the matter lie for the rest of the day. Thus, the guilty partner will not feel constantly attacked and the betrayed partner will not wallow in pain every minute of the day.

Discover why the cheating occurred. Infidelity can occur for many reasons, but perhaps the most common reason is a need to feel special, loved, and attractive. Don't get me wrong, there is no excuse for cheating. But if someone is cheating, it often suggests deeper problems within the relationship. Discovering these reasons, either with or without a couples' therapist, is a necessary first step on the road to healing a broken relationship.

Or simply opt for an "open relationship" wink

More input?

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink



Member Since: 26th May 2005
Total posts: 449
Posted:To me, the only thing u can really do is try to avoid it happening in the first place (not to say you've done anything wrong though). Do you think you can spot a girl who's likely to cheat? In my experience it's fairly easy if you look for the signs: emotional dysregulation, low self-esteem, attachment problems etc. Course there are always the ones that surprise you. Also not ignoring any problems that are in a relationship help - it's easy to pretend that everything's ok, but any problem, if unaddressed, can escalate pretty quickly and next thing you know your wife is banging the plumber.

If you really like someone but you feel they can't commit, for whatever reason (even if they claim the contrary!), way better to just go for an open relationship than risk being betrayed imho.

The Tea Fairy
The Tea Fairy

old hand
Location: Behind you...
Member Since: 2nd Jul 2004
Total posts: 853
Posted:I always used to think of infidelity as a symptom of something fundamentally wrong in a relationship in the first place - relationships should be sexually, emotionally and intellectually fulfilling, if they are then theres no need to seek fulfilment elsewhere....

...then I look at reality, maybe we are kidding ourselves in the first place, to expect so much fulfilment and satisfaction fom just one other person, for a long period of time? People change, needs change, maybe infidelity and relationship breakdowns are an inevitable part of modern life? Still, there's no need to be unfaithful or dishonest, peole could just admit to their partners that they are feeling unfulfilled... but that would lead to it's own problems...

I've been unfaithful a couple of times, I was quite young at the time, I don't think it was due to any particular insecurity, more a case of getting caught up in a whirlwind moment of excitement and not having the will power to stop it happening though I knew it was wrong of me...

Relationships are confusing!

Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan


Member Since: 20th Sep 2003
Total posts: 6650
Posted:I'd side that both sides are having their share in the process and reckon that communication is the key element.

Assuming that my favourite is having sex on a mountain peak at 6am on a full moon day - and I never communicate it, wondering why my partner doesn't come up with this idea herself (after all she should instinctively know) - I have myself to blame that my 'needs' in the relationship are unfulfilled.

So there is a long way down, before 'it' happens. BTDT, felt BAD afterwards and have been to cowardish to bring it up. Most stupid thing to do. I lived with it for a few years and it gave me a bad twisted consciousness. When it finally came out (things like that are bound to surface sooner or later), it's been worse as it could have been: Sitting with my wife and a friend at dinner and that friend 'thought' I would have confessed already. It 'slipped' her mouth... redface

Best is: don't do it in the first place.
Next is: IF it happened, tell.

Relationships can be confusing, true - but they can be the best thing ever happening. Tricky in 'modern day' errm 'western style' - I have deepest respect for a couple that manages to stay together a decade or three...

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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