Forums > Social Discussion > Clean break ups just dont happen do they?

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
Hugs

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
i just got outta a relationship with a girl who just graduated high school. At first it was awesome, we shared a lot of the same interests, super cute, fun to be around. then she had to be with me ALL the time and when she coulnt, she would get mad, or sad, and pout, or give me a stupid ultimatum that she wouldnt follow up on. Eventually i just got sick of her and having to deal with that sh**.

I understand your situation is very different then mine and if i had a son that i wouldnt be able to see ever again im sure that pain is just unimaginable. But being his dad arnt you entitled to see him? Cant you get visitatioin rights or something?

O.B.E.S.E.

Owned by Mynci!

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
What Drew said.
Just more of them, tighter, with back rubs and the occasional ear lick

If you fancy dropping by Wales, you are more than welcome here. Theres a spare bed already made up for you.
Its an awesome place to relax and clear your head. There's also some lovely scenery, and some pubs. And even take aways (Chinese, Indian, Icelandic). Yum!

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
If you understood every in and out of the last 2 or so years...


visiting rights don't exist when you live in the same house as your own son.

Posted: 13th Aug 2007


So sorry to hear this...

Hmmm.

Women get insecure sometimes... it happens

(men do too... but deal with it in a less obvious, and occasionally more damaging, way)

PK... I don't know your situation, but since you've posted here... is there any way... maybe after a few weeks break... that you could give her the opportunity to live up to the 'new me' promises? Is it worth a shot?

Poje... young women (and older ones ) need time to grow and establish their own identity... people deal with insecurity in different ways... whether or not a relationship works often depends on how much you both want it to - and how much time you're prepared to give that person.



Anyways... best wishes to anyone dealing with difficulties...

Getting to the other side

Posted: 13th Aug 2007


The only advice I can give is to be open and honest about how you feel without letting any bitterness you feel, for what she is saying to you, turn everything into a fight. That's much easier said than done though. Try to never raise your voice and stay as calm as you can in all dealings with her or her family members. Being civil to one another, or even better, staying friends will benefit your son. So that is really what you need to aim for.

If you can't stay friends and work things out amicably you might have to resort to using the law to get access to your son. Keep written records of any threats made towards you with dates recorded, such as her telling you that you will never see your son again. That way if you do end up in court you will stand a better chance of winning access or even custody of your son. Calmness, details and seeming rational in court counts for a lot.

Good luck for the future. I hope things work out for you, your son and your ex.

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
so far this weekend is all detailed and saved on file...



Thanks Clare, i know what your saying but without me filling 98 pages or things that have happened, i can only be a little vague.. but i dont love her any more, i have no trust in her for things that i have discovered, i can not live a lie just for my son.



I am going crazy in my mind right now just trying to get things dealt with calmly, but with her being angry and trying to find armoury against me because she feels hurt from me leaving her it just seems impossible.



this isn't the first time i have left either.. and isn't the first time this year that i have had to come home to escape there.. so in the end i just dont see a future or see it worth giving it another go.

Posted: 13th Aug 2007


Oh dear.

Well then... I'm really very sorry for what you are going through... and will go through in the months and years to come

You'll probably know this already... but now you've made your decision, perhaps try to figure out what you actually want for the future.

Then maybe try to find peaceful ways to make that happen...

You know your ex is in pain too, and I'm sure you don't want to add to her hurt, or your son at all... so you might need to compromise with that.

Being honest, and open with your heart, and trying to let any negativity reflect off you might help you get through it all...

And always try to take some time to yourself, meditating and clearing any cords... because you need to be strong for what lies ahead.

Best wishes...

Getting to the other side

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
Good luck with whatever will happen, PK

I hope you get to see Enea in the future.

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

Posted: 13th Aug 2007

with children I don't think there is a clean break up. I'm glad I am childless at the moment. I've seen how people can get with break ups and children-so for someone on the outside I wish the best of luck.

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

Posted: 13th Aug 2007


PK, I'm so sorry to hear this. I've loved looking at the photos of your beautiful son and your family, I'm sorry that things haven't worked out.

My advice is- give it time. He is your son and you have every right to see him.

Stay strong, and keep plodding on.

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
I would think that she can't stop you from seeing him at all. Over here at least, it is becoming widly aknowledged that contact with the father is still very important and unless there is a risk to the child then the law will allow visits. and if it's allowed by law, then it can be enforced by law if you want to se your son.

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
Thanks for the advice guys.

Certainly hasn't been an easy time recently and mostly this week... today being probably the worst day of all.

It doesn't help at all that for once in my life i have my family behind me, not in another country... but then now im fighting things from over seas.

Serena still has every thing that i own, im not overly bothered, some sentimental things and some things that can not be replaced, they are all not in my aims to get back.
I have a flight booked for sunday morning and im not quite sure if to cancel it or re book it or if to catch it at all. I still have to quit my job out in Italy but as we are on august shut till the 27th there is nothing that i can do about that until then... i think that it might be a good idea not to go back on sunday as id have to spend over a week there boarding up in a b&b or hotel.. i think that i might just change my flight if i can

After i started this thread, it seems more and more so that i am dealing with a child, oo the changing of her msn status or changing of her myspazz page and the childish messages through messenger... they don't bother me but just make me realise that it is a good idea to have left. Not to prove myself right in my thoughts but to think and see that it is impossible for her to change.

I told her that i'd like to come and pick up some of my things, she said that they will be outside by tonight all packed up for me... she doesnt want to see me ever again and that i will never see my son again and that is because i left her, but i cant see how i can stay in a situation where i no longer love that person, and dont stay well living there with her and her parents when i dont have any family or friends to support me.

Maybe now i can focus on what i really want to achieve with my life... maybe pay off the debt that lurks behind me from the past... and do some travelling.

my lack of presence here over the last 2 years means that not so many people may understand what i have gone through. In a nutshell, since my son was born and was able to come home he was taken away from me by my mother in law being as though serena couldn't and still cant look after herself, let alone our son. So she took control. you know i have never been out as a family just me, her and enea... .. and with all of the hours i work i never really got to see him.. some one has to be the breadwinner and that was the sacrifice.. but even when i was home, she was always in control.
Her parents hate me, they even told me exactly what they thought of me last month... things that you just wouldnt say to any one... but thats what they are like, i'm not looking for excuses because when you dont love some one how can you stay where you have never been made to feel welcome, never had control over your own child and you have a partner that doesnt speak to you any more.

Now it is bad PK, pk left serena, he's left his son, he is the bad one... they can't see why i left... can they honestly think that any sane or insane person would stay. I'm not the sanest of people, i'm certainly no angel but ... i just dont understand how they can think that way.

If we argue.. her parents are there and want to know whats going on, whats being said then gang up 3 on 1 and force me to want to get up and walk out of the door like i did once before.

I just know deep down that they will not let me see my son, that upsets me, because they say that i don't love him.. how do they know what i feel?

Just now i got a message come though on msn... seems she was told to tell me a message from her grandma which said "she hates me".

Serena says that she is ill for my fault. how can i give some one LUPUS.

I'm baffled.

Thanks guys.

Posted: 13th Aug 2007


You can't You know that...

And you know that the anger/bitterness/childishness comes from panic and fear...

Be strong, figure out what is best for your wee boy, and how you're going to be able to see him as often as you can (once the anger has died down, I'm sure she'll see sense)...

Then figure out what you need to do to make you strong again.

best wishes
xx

Getting to the other side

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
PK - I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time at the moment.

The only thing that I can say is that hopefully with time this girl will settle down...at the moment she is hurting and as most humans do when they hurting emotionally she is lashing out and trying to hurt you with something he knows will get to you.

A lot of people do this, unfortuntely.

It is doubtful that she will really try to take your child away from you once she has settled down and really thought about it all...and if she does stick with the decision then there are various legal pathways that you can persue.

Talking to a lawyer might be the best thing you can do if you are feeling really threatened by what she is saying.

Finding out your rights and then making sure she understands your rights as well may be enough to knock a bit of sense into her.

Sorry I can't be more help than that but I do hope that this all settle down for you with an outcome that is best for everyone invovled (especially the child as it is always the child in the middle who gets torn apart the most!)

Posted: 13th Aug 2007


sorry to hear about your tough situation mate. I hope it calms down soon.

I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said already.

so another of these

Josh

--
Help! My personality got stuck in this signature machine and I cant get it out!

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
Sorry to hear about what you're going through, much support and hugs in your direction

Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you land among the stars

Posted: 13th Aug 2007

But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

Posted: 13th Aug 2007
oh PK

Posted: 14th Aug 2007
Cross country is always going to make things extra difficult. You are considering your own sanity and also your sons. If they are as passionate as they sound having you there will give them a focus to pour out venom. People look for someone else to blame rather than themselves and you will always be a target.
It may be that with new technology and laws you can at least stay in email and msn contact with your son as he grows and keep knowing him that way. It does sound that he has an extended family that will love him if his mum is struggling with health.

I hope you have support at home for yourself. But at least out of that house you can rebuild without the nastiness eating at you.

More of these

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

Posted: 14th Aug 2007
I think this time I need to think real hard, normally I take first things for insecurities and never give things time, I need to reflect, I'm a man, I have needs and have feelings... but no way an I going to be making choices like moving away again just yet or getting back on the wagon.



Time for me... space to think and breath and spend time with my family, I moved out when I was 18.. time to spend time with them too.



I feel that I have put other people first, feelings can make you do that, I think I have just learned that that can make you ill and that really thinking of yourself needs to be a priority.



I'm beginning to hate life's IF's and BUTS

Posted: 14th Aug 2007
That sounds like a really good idea. Just spend time with your family, and get some Pk-family love

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Posted: 14th Aug 2007

 Written by: UnderControlOrFailure



Its an awesome place to relax and clear your head. There's also some lovely scenery, and some pubs. And even take aways (Chinese, Indian, Icelandic). Yum!

WHAT there is all that in Wales... I thought there were just hills and sheep n stuff.

Thanks for the great offer my friend! I shall keep note but first I have to sort some stuff.

Posted: 14th Aug 2007
I can't recommend the Skully and Ucof residence enough as a place to get your head together!!

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Posted: 14th Aug 2007


Feeling for you man, breakups can be awful sometimes when people don't step past the emotion need to strike out. Luckily all my past girlfriends have been clever enough to know there's no point in bitterness and taking revenge. I just wish there were more people who realised that once it's over you've got to deal with it, salvage and move on.

Personally I'll never forgive anyone who uses thier child as a weapon, it's the lowest and most despicable thing to do to a child. Regardless of the hurt it will cause you it's got the potential to mess up your son even more and hopefully sometime soon your partner will realise that no amount of revenge and hurting you is worth the damage to your son now and in the future. Unfortunately people often don't look that far

Good luck to you.

Posted: 14th Aug 2007
Thanks Dom, I couldn't agree with you more.

You know after I walked out of a 4 and a half year relationship for another girl (bad choice) I am still best friends with her, she forgave and forgot (to an extent) but we spoke on the phone today, had a laugh and a joke.

I hope my son, no matter what the outcome will grow up and want to listen to his dad's side of things, he will only get a story from me as he has never met my parents due to his mums family not inviting them to the house and not letting them take him out when they came to see me last summer.
If his mum doesn't calm or see sense of reality and let him grow up with an agreed arrangement between both parents then he will just hear a one sided story and hate his dad, but then that, as I know them all too well will be how things are.

-shame-

-hugs everyone-

Posted: 14th Aug 2007

Sorry PK, don't know enough about Italian law to offer advice

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.

Posted: 14th Aug 2007

Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

Posted: 15th Aug 2007
PK maybe start to assemble a record of your family for him. Also record of you and his mums time together so he knows he was conceived in love and loved by you. When you do get in contact again (assuming you arent now for a while) there will be lots of yummy loving all for him. Maybe a scrap book with you writing letters to him as if he was getting them. That way he will know you were always thinking of him, even if contact is limited. Get letters from your folks for him as well with pics.
Its a thought and prolly not a good time to think of it now though. Too busy and emotional.

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

Posted: 15th Aug 2007
Bud
Break-ups are NEVER clean.
Theres ALWAYS emotional fall-out
This tends to clear with time
Time is the BEST healer, along with space
Be sure you have made the right choice
Be empathic to your X-girlfriend, she too is in pain.
Dont blame yourself
Be strong for your Son - he needs you
Dont get angry, it only makes things worse
None of this really helps, but remember you have friends
Things will get better
Peas

Feel the Flame
Phirenix