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Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Berlin
Member Since: 25th Sep 2002
Total posts: 2617
Posted:My ex-girlfriend (who's probably still my best friend) hung herself in the family homes garage on monday night.

Her father found her after about 20 minutes and called his son. The 2 of them pulled her down and rushed her to the hospital but it was too late.

Anita (RIP) suffered from depression from the age of 24 till 52 when she died.

She was also recently diagnosed as bi-polar. She was told by a doctor that she would get worse every year until she died umm

The family is traumatised but take some solice in the fact that she is finally at peace. I am surprised at how I am so relieved for both her and them by this fact myself.

I have am deeply moved by the love, compassion and support from neighbours, family, friends and absolute strangers for her at this time.

I am upset myself because I had my own relationship with Anita. ubbcrying

I remember her being loving, friendly, generous, encouraging and welcoming. ubblove

I'm a little worried about how I can support my friend now at this time. Up until this happened we had agreed to see less of each other to try and ease our own feelings from breaking up. So that we can be friends in the future.

Now I feel like non of this matters because I have been here for her as a friend this week and want to continue to do so over the coming weeks and months.

But I'm acutely aware of the complications that may involve. I don't even care that much actually because this seems more important to me right now.

Does anybody have any good advice or experience of similar situations.

If anybody can offer any prayers or dedicate and good energy to Anita, that she may now find the peace that she could find in life, I know that Aoife and her family would greatly appreciate it.


I live in a world of infinite possibilities.


Location: Cannock, staffordshire
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2005
Total posts: 667
Posted:aww im deeply sorry hun

i know in a way what its like
but my situation was totally different and was because i wasnt there for someone it happened

anyway just be there for them hugs to you


enticed, entrapped, entombed.
intoxicated, impaled, ingested.
bewitched, beaten, broken.
enter the love realm...
insert ur token

o jej, ale bym ci wylizal ten pepek

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Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:Oh god James.

I'm so sorry... tried to call, but I'll speak to you another time.

We're thinking about you and Anita's family, and sending love to you all.

Be strong James, as we know you can be... I'm so sorry that you're going through so much at the minute.

You know our house is always here for you when you need a break, or if you need some time away.

Take care m'lovely... hug

As for advice... you will follow the right path anyway because you are a beautiful soul and you will follow your heart. Just do what you think is best - and that will be the right thing.

Thinking about you

Clare xxxx

Getting to the other side smile


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Sihanoukville, cambodia
Member Since: 14th Jul 2005
Total posts: 4191
Posted:meditate grouphug heart

There are very few things that you can say to someone when something like this has happened.

The following poem is very special to me. It was read out to me at my Nans funeral, and then at my friends a couple of years ago. I think its beautiful.


Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Thoughts, prayers, and good thoughts being sent to you, Anita, and her family.


Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247

Oh, James, I am so sorry . Huge hug to you.


Odd, such a similar death happenned when I was in NY, a friend of Zamirs, just before coming out to Ireland. And last year too, a friend of mine. Both suicides by very very mentally ill people. Surrounding those deaths we had many discussions over whether suicide can actually be a route to peace. Lots of different perspectives, particularly considered cross culturally.

I absolutely believe that it can bring peace. Certainly, once it is a fact, and the person has made this choice-- your own choice is only to be at peace with it or not! Choose peace. For some, a lifetime struggle of dealing with mental illness, suffering, no control, watching it impact others- it is unbearable. So they stop. I can understand that choice- it might have felt like the only one they could manage.

I dont know about your ex's mom, but with the people I knew, they had sought so many kinds of help and treatment for so many decades, it was really perceived by them as a last resort.But they were in pain,tired, and hopefully they found a way to stop it. RIP. And yes, all the beautiful lovely things your remember about her- she was surely all of that too, and so the loss is hard.

I can also understand the relief for the familiy and friends involved. It is a complex relief, multifaceted,full of regret and guilt and confusion . There are a lot of adjustments being to relationship between individuals families and communities made after such a death. Contemplation of our place and security within the world. Very intense, and quite amazing what can grow out of it.

As for your ex,I agree with Clare. Trust yourself, and stay in the moment. This is an exceptional circumstance, not something either of you would have anticipated when discussing giving space. Be aware of your needs and feelings, give them space too, and make sure you have some support just for you, someone you can rely on to offer what you need- distraction, a shoulder, a hug- whatever that might be.

My ex husband actually came to offer me support over some deaths I was dealing with- he has experience with my family and was one of the few people I could just collapse around. He and I had a very complex relationship, and I never thought I would turn to him for support after we split! Yet it was very natural. Both of us aware it did not mean we would ever get together again, but it did strengthen our friendship and helped repair some old wounds too. Then we parted ways again, peacefully and easily. He was very valued presence for me during that time.

Love to you, I wish I could offer you some more direct support. I am thinking of you and all your thoughtfulness , generousity and kindness while I was there. You are a most amazing inspiring man and a good friend.

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


Good Ol' Yarn For Hair
Location: Atlanta, GA, USA
Member Since: 24th Jan 2006
Total posts: 422
Posted:I am very sorry for your loss.

I offer you my deepest sympathies and condolences.

I cannot speak for all religions, nor all Pagans, but I do believe in the transitory nature of the universe. In this world, all things are locked in a constant state of flux and transition, from one state to another. Matter, life, and energy can neither be created nor destroyed; in can only be converted from one form to another. Take heart in knowing that she has only made the transition into a new form of existence.

I offer my prayers less for her in this natural transition, but to you, her friends, and her family, that you find peace and solace in this rather premature of passing. My mother's family at the moment is dealing with the impending passing of her great uncle (his health has been failing for the last ten years), and I will add you and yours to my prayers for them, as well.

May you find the peace and comfort in regards to her passing that you seem to be seeking and need.


"So long and thanks for all the fish."


and behold!
Location: Liverpool
Member Since: 11th Aug 2005
Total posts: 464
Posted:My friend did something similar about two years ago. He got into a really big gambling debts and crossed the wrong kind of people and he saw taking his own life as the only way out. He was from a period of time when I with the wrong crowd and he has remained loyal and supportive to me during some of the more volatile times. We drifted apart after I've turned over a new leaf and went off to uni. I still feels a lot of guilt that I couldn't stand by him as he had done for me.

I think the important thing is not to go down the "What If" road. Back then, I questioned myself if there was anything I could have done to help him. I went through this stage where I started doubting myself if I am capable of being a good friend and whether if I am able to offer help to those in need. At the end of the day, there is only so much you could have done and sometimes thing are often beyond our best efforts. That's the way of life, just like the Sun will always rise from the East.

Sorry about your lost.

Why let your body be a temple? When it can be a theme park?

Wii Console Number: 3294 0297 7824 7498


Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:James I am confused as to who has passed away. Is Anita your ex or her mum and how does she fit with Aoiffe.
Sorry to be so blunt but it would affect how I would deal with the grief. I assume its Aoiffes mum?

She is your best friend. Thats what she needs is her best mate.
I agree with Claire  Written by:

As for advice... you will follow the right path anyway because you are a beautiful soul and you will follow your heart

You are special, I found you very lovely at CG, look after yourself at this time. You will be needed for a long time to help with this so keep yourself grounded and healthy.

To me suicide is about a personal choice. To have hung herself, I gather an unusual option for a woman, takes thought and a choice. I feel that death is a way to find peace when life is a black road ahead. Many many people have been touched by mental illness and understand the choice she has made.

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


Running hippy spinning lemming
Location: Scotland
Member Since: 16th Jul 2004
Total posts: 15
Posted:*all my love and hugs for you and Aoife*

I cant follow all the advise above... but know that i'm thinking of you both, and i'm here if you need anything,

make sure you take care of yourselves, give yourselves time, talk and stay safe ok...

as for peace through suicide, i think andrealee put it perfectly..

 Written by: andrealee

For some, a lifetime struggle of dealing with mental illness, suffering, no control, watching it impact others- it is unbearable. So they stop. I can understand that choice- it might have felt like the only one they could manage.

*wishing you every strength*

hug hug hug hug hug

there's always a shoulder here if you need one,
take care

<more hugs>

Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...


Member Since: 20th Sep 2003
Total posts: 6650
Posted: Written by: Solas

She was also recently diagnosed as bi-polar. She was told by a doctor that she would get worse every year until she died umm

I'd send him a copy of the announcement - maybe he'll be little more careful with his diagnosis. Doctors sometimes forget, that they're dealing with human beings...

Solas, as for the latter hug grouphug hug

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:hug to you buddy.

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]


hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Member Since: 13th Jul 2005
Total posts: 6120
Posted:This is extremely upsetting. Not only for you Solas but also for the other people who have posted similar stories in their own lives. hug is little consolation but that's the best we can offer you.

The good thing that may come out of this is that it MAY prompt others (both here on HOP and those who knew her) who feel they may be suffering from depression or bi-polar to seek help before they themselves reach that dark place and succumb to the same feeling of despair when suicide seems like the only option. But as FireTom pointed out just be wary of the diagnosis. Second opinions are probably wise.

Regarding the ex situation. Just be there for her. If at anytime you feel uncomfortable around her because of your history, just imagine how you would feel in that situation, empathise rather than sympathise and just do what feels natural. If old feelings between you start to stir, take a moment to think about whether this is due to mere solace or just the genuine affection you may still have between each other. I know it's hard to distinguish and it may well be that this is bringing you closer together but you wouldn't want to make the situation more complicated than it already is.

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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