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Forums > Social Chat > London Underground announcements LOL

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:Apparently, according to this page, these are actually announcements that London Underground train drivers have made to passengers. (I'm sure they're all 100% true and verfiable wink )

 Written by:


1) Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know youre all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case youll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.

2) Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. Ill let you know any further information as soon as Im given any.

3) Do you want the good news first or the bad news. The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably wont reach our destination.

4) Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for theforeseeable future, so lets take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...

5) We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they dont think about things like that.

6) Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman unfortunately towels are not provided.

8) Let the passengers off the train FIRST! (Pause ) Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - Im going home.

9) Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions.

10) Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.

11) We cant move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door

12) To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of stand clear of the doors dont you understand ?

13) Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways

14) May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, its only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.



Actually, I was on the (4) train today and the conductor came on and said "Ladies and gentlemen, please pay attention as there will be a short quiz on this at the next stop. In order to provide you with the most annoying inconvenience possible, we will be skipping several stops. Passengers going to Burnside Av. need to get off at 176 st. and passengers going to Bedford Park Blvd. need to get off at Kingsbridge Rd. Shuttle busses are provided at these stops, although everyone knows that they're so slow that you're probably better off just walking it. I'll be obsessively repeating this announcement at each stop, so if you're going to either of these stations and you're SURE that you have it right and that you're not going to yell at some poor station attendant because you weren't listening, you may now place your iPod headphones in your ears and ignore me."

Well, something like that anyway. But we were all giggling in the car at each stop, especially watching the looks on the faces of new passengers getting on the train.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Sambo_Flux
GOLD Member since Jun 2006

Sambo_Flux

Introverted
Location: Norf London

Total posts: 833
Posted:One time I was coming home on the tube from Hammersmith, and a bunch of identical looking tourists all got on (I think they were american, not sure). There were about 30 of them, all with digital cameras around their necks, shorts, hawaian shirts, the works. As we pulled of, the speaker came on, and all we heard was: "Baaaaaaa.... Baaaaaaa..." Proper sheep noises. ubblol

Absolute genius, most of the carriage was wetting themselves. None of the tourists got it, which made it soooo much funnier. ubblol ubbtickled


My Mind is a Ship
Emotions become the Waves
Soul is the Ocean

If a quizz is quizzical, what is a test?

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Rouge Dragon
BRONZE Member since Jul 2003

Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction

Total posts: 13215
Posted:ubblol That is BRILLIANT! ubblol

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted::olo:

thanks for making my night better smile


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted: Written by: SamboFlux


As we pulled of, the speaker came on, and all we heard was: "Baaaaaaa.... Baaaaaaa..." Proper sheep noises. ubblol

Absolute genius, most of the carriage was wetting themselves. None of the tourists got it, which made it soooo much funnier. ubblol ubbtickled



That's because Americans don't have the intimate knowledge of sheep that the good people of the British Isles seem to have...

eek biggrin wink ubbrollsmile hug


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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UCOF
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel


Total posts: 15414
Posted:You mean "the Welsh" tongue

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Neon_Shaolin
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam

Total posts: 6120
Posted:You obviously haven't seen 'Brokeback Mountain' Doc...



or



'Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Where Afraid to Ask'



On a similar note, I was on the train back from PLAY. As we pulled out of Macclesfield the train ground to a halt and the voice on the tannoy said 'Train Manager come to Coach E as someone as pulled the emergency stop'.



From the fracas we could hear that it was pulled by someone who as a result of only getting her stuff ready to alight the train when it pulled in missed getting off so pulled the Emergency Stop to stop the train. Don't think the train manager charged them the fine but was visably pi**ed off.



At the next stop the tannoy said.

'Ladies and Gentlemen we will shortly arriving into Stockport, upon leaving the train please make sure you have all your personal belongings with you and the passengers from earlier get your own train back to Macclesfield!'

biggrin


"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:No, good Mr. UCOF. I mean, the Welsh, the English, the Scots, the Irish...

To varying degrees, to be sure, but yes...lots of sheep.

And then there's New Zealand with the 20:1 Sheep:human ratio. But that's a separate thread.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Seb


Seb

Penguin of Mass Destruction and Tricky Bugger to the court of Claire the Askew
Location: Check behind you.

Total posts: 643
Posted:Y'know, a site dedicated to poi twirling may not be the safest place to insult New Zealanders.
Besides, they say the bit about the sheep's all us Australians, and then we go quiet and red.


Chucks nuns
Property of mynci and blu_valley, and proud of it.

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:Who's insulting? I'm just pointing out a verifiable fact. ubbangel

-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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87wt2gxq7


87wt2gxq7

veteran
Location: Birmingham

Total posts: 1502
Posted:A couple of years ago I left the Edinburgh Festival with a bit of a broken heart. But as we were pulling out of the station there came over the PA:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your train manager speaking. This is a message for a gentleman called Matt who is carrying a red rucksack and wearing a blue denim jacket. The young lady you were talking to at Edinburgh station has contacted the train manager of the 14.57 to Birmingham New Street who has contacted me. I have her phone number to give you, so please make yourself known to me."

It was great, and cheered me right the hell up biggrin


Oh btw,

 Written by: Doc Lightning



Some of us were at the Camden Town stop when a pre-recorded "Inspector Strang (or whatever it was), please call 4590 (or something)" came on. Over and over and over.
...
So I'm assuming it was a security/bomb code.




Yup, if I recall correctly that would be "Inspector Sands", which means "All staff better know there's a fire on, but don't want to freak out the customers!"


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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:Inspector sands. Yeah, those things, I had no idea what the hell it was, I just figured that if it was anything like where I work, "May I have your attention, Doctor Smoke, please report to B-south-15." (= Fire in B-south-15) it meant something had gone quite wrong.

So we got out.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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