Written by:
1) “Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite directionâ€.
2) “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.â€
3) “Do you want the good news first or the bad news. The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.â€
4) “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for theforeseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now….’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’â€.
5) “We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like thatâ€.
6) “Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.â€
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately towels are not providedâ€.
8) “Let the passengers off the train FIRST!†(Pause …) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I’m going home….â€
9) “Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.â€
10) “Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.â€
11) “We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the doorâ€
12) “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of ’stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand ?â€
13) “Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sidewaysâ€
14) “May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriageâ€.
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
Written by:
Subway conductor: It ain't so bad. Better than going to the gas station.
--very crowded L train
Overheard by: Philip
Conductor: This train cannot move until you get your fat ass out the doorway!
--1 train
Overheard by: Owen Jacob Ghitelman
Conductor: There is no service to Brooklyn this weekend. None. You will not be able to get there unless you do what I tell you.
--4 train at 33rd Street
Conductor: This is... the uh... downtown train that makes all... uh... that makes all the stops that this train stops at.
--1 train, 34th Street
Overheard by: Jamie
Conductor: This is an uptown C train. Transfer at this stop for the A train. Notice how I did not mention the E train. That's because there isn't one. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero E train. If you're going to Queens, get on this C train now and I'll explain later.
--C train, 23rd St station
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen please be advised, we have a train right ahead of us and we will be moving shortly. [Pause] Bullshit! There is a god-damn invisible [censored] train ahead of us.
. . .
Oh [censored], the PA is still on.
--N train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is more than one door on this train. In fact there are 30 of them. Please feel free to use the other 29.
--1 train
Overheard by: Traveler Bill
Conductor: Canal Street next after this brief musical interlude.
--R train
Overheard by: Mark
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're stuck at this station because I have to get permission from Queensboro before we can leave and they're not answering the phone. I think they all went home to get some sleep.
--N train
Overheard by: SP
Conductor: You have to get on the train when the doors are open. Thank you!
--MetroNorth train
Overheard by: alyssa
Man: Passengers, do not keep quiet if you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. If you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney attempt to get them impeached. This has been a MTA announcement.
--6 train
Overheard by: Sarah
Conductor: Attention passengers, there is a train directly behind this one...ten degrees cooler.
--6 train
Conductor: This is Borough Hall, home of Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz, also known as Mr. Brooklyn. On behalf of your borough president, and your conductor, welcome to Brooklyn: a nice place to visit, a great place to live!
--F train
Bus driver: Will all the beautiful people please step to the rear? All the beautiful people, you know who you are. Thank you.
--Q46 bus
Overheard by: Joyce Shen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen: if you're running late for your train, try calling out "please wait." Most conductors will! The magic word gets used so seldom down here. This is your conductor speaking. And I'll wait.
--F train
Conductor: Why you waving your hand in the door? You trying to catch a cab?
--B train
Bus driver: If you want good air conditioning, move to the middle. This bus is crap!
--QM1 bus
Overheard by: MissDona
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that our engine has stopped. The good news is that you're not on an airplane.
--MetroNorth train
Overheard by: Nic
Conductor: Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is not an interactive ride! Please do not hold the doors.
--D train
Overheard by: Camodee D
PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of cars is dangerous. Please ride fully inside the cars.
--4 train
Overheard by: OJ-Gangas
Conductor: This is the D train headed to the Bronx. I repeat, this is the D train. D, as in Denise Richards.
--D train
Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to [censored] get home. Please keep moving and do not just [censored] stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.
--43rd & 7th
Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!
--N train
Overheard by: Gregorio
The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.
--A train
Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.
--M86 bus
Overheard by: Diane
Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It's that simple.
--S train
Written by:
Tourist lady: Does this train go to 9/11?
Man: what?
Tourist lady: I want to see 9/11.
Man: You mean World Trade Center?
Tourist lady: No, I mean 9/11.
Other tourist lady: Oh no, you want the E train. I had this problem yesterday. New Yorkers are so unhelpful
Stunned silence all the way to 42nd St.
--Downtown C train, 50th St.
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more
enticed, entrapped, entombed.
intoxicated, impaled, ingested.
bewitched, beaten, broken.
enter the love realm...
insert ur token
o jej, ale bym ci wylizal ten pepek
stepped up promotions
Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can beat the world into submission.
Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!
Yo ho fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright to be,
Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey
Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...
"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"
*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
"i am exotic, and must keep my arms down" - Rougie
"i don't understand what penises have to do with getting married" - Foxie
i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey
Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat
'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?
before i met those lot i thought they'd be a bunch of dreadlocked hippies that smoked, set things on fire ,and drank a lot of tea but then when i met them....oh wait (PyroWill)
Written by: Medusa
I think the only announcement over the underground in London that freaked me out was a pre-recorded one saying "Please be aware that the Central Line to Camden is closed due to a body under a train"....
Eep! Does it happen that often that they need to pre-record it!
-Mike
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella
A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey
Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...
Written by: Medusa
"Please be aware that the Central Line to Camden is closed due to a body under a train"....
Eep! Does it happen that often that they need to pre-record it!
"i am exotic, and must keep my arms down" - Rougie
"i don't understand what penises have to do with getting married" - Foxie
i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey
Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...
Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive
Shalom VeAhavah
New Hampshire has a point....
Using the keywords [london underground announcement * lol] we found the following existing topics.