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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Apparently, according to this page, these are actually announcements that London Underground train drivers have made to passengers. (I'm sure they're all 100% true and verfiable wink )

 Written by:


1) Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know youre all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case youll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.

2) Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. Ill let you know any further information as soon as Im given any.

3) Do you want the good news first or the bad news. The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably wont reach our destination.

4) Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for theforeseeable future, so lets take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...

5) We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they dont think about things like that.

6) Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman unfortunately towels are not provided.

8) Let the passengers off the train FIRST! (Pause ) Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - Im going home.

9) Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions.

10) Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.

11) We cant move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door

12) To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of stand clear of the doors dont you understand ?

13) Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways

14) May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, its only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.



Actually, I was on the (4) train today and the conductor came on and said "Ladies and gentlemen, please pay attention as there will be a short quiz on this at the next stop. In order to provide you with the most annoying inconvenience possible, we will be skipping several stops. Passengers going to Burnside Av. need to get off at 176 st. and passengers going to Bedford Park Blvd. need to get off at Kingsbridge Rd. Shuttle busses are provided at these stops, although everyone knows that they're so slow that you're probably better off just walking it. I'll be obsessively repeating this announcement at each stop, so if you're going to either of these stations and you're SURE that you have it right and that you're not going to yell at some poor station attendant because you weren't listening, you may now place your iPod headphones in your ears and ignore me."

Well, something like that anyway. But we were all giggling in the car at each stop, especially watching the looks on the faces of new passengers getting on the train.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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nonenonenone
nonenonenone

member
Location: none
Member Since: 13th Jan 2006
Total posts: 129
Posted:ubblol some of those made me laugh so much! number 6) 13) 11) etc... i can just imagine them being announced on the train! fantastic, would make my train journey well and truly! lol.

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K__
K__

...join us...
Location: Oxford
Member Since: 9th Jun 2006
Total posts: 184
Posted:I love stories like these biggrin

I commute on the train (not Underground though) and occasionally hear genius announcements from the 'Onboard Team' or whatever they call themselves - it almost makes the whole commuting thing worthwhile!


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ZeroG
ZeroG

Friendly Fire Fiddler
Location: Munich
Member Since: 21st Dec 2005
Total posts: 103
Posted:Wicked ... for a good laugh about London Underground , watch this Flash movie ...

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:Pulled a few of "overheard in new york"...

 Written by:

Subway conductor: It ain't so bad. Better than going to the gas station.

--very crowded L train

Overheard by: Philip

Conductor: This train cannot move until you get your fat ass out the doorway!

--1 train

Overheard by: Owen Jacob Ghitelman


Conductor: There is no service to Brooklyn this weekend. None. You will not be able to get there unless you do what I tell you.

--4 train at 33rd Street


Conductor: This is... the uh... downtown train that makes all... uh... that makes all the stops that this train stops at.

--1 train, 34th Street

Overheard by: Jamie


Conductor: This is an uptown C train. Transfer at this stop for the A train. Notice how I did not mention the E train. That's because there isn't one. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero E train. If you're going to Queens, get on this C train now and I'll explain later.

--C train, 23rd St station


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen please be advised, we have a train right ahead of us and we will be moving shortly. [Pause] Bullshit! There is a god-damn invisible [censored] train ahead of us.
. . .
Oh [censored], the PA is still on.

--N train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is more than one door on this train. In fact there are 30 of them. Please feel free to use the other 29.

--1 train


Overheard by: Traveler Bill


Conductor: Canal Street next after this brief musical interlude.

--R train


Overheard by: Mark


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we're stuck at this station because I have to get permission from Queensboro before we can leave and they're not answering the phone. I think they all went home to get some sleep.

--N train


Overheard by: SP


Conductor: You have to get on the train when the doors are open. Thank you!

--MetroNorth train


Overheard by: alyssa


Man: Passengers, do not keep quiet if you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. If you see George W. Bush or Dick Cheney attempt to get them impeached. This has been a MTA announcement.

--6 train


Overheard by: Sarah


Conductor: Attention passengers, there is a train directly behind this one...ten degrees cooler.

--6 train


Conductor: This is Borough Hall, home of Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz, also known as Mr. Brooklyn. On behalf of your borough president, and your conductor, welcome to Brooklyn: a nice place to visit, a great place to live!

--F train

Bus driver: Will all the beautiful people please step to the rear? All the beautiful people, you know who you are. Thank you.

--Q46 bus


Overheard by: Joyce Shen


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen: if you're running late for your train, try calling out "please wait." Most conductors will! The magic word gets used so seldom down here. This is your conductor speaking. And I'll wait.

--F train


Conductor: Why you waving your hand in the door? You trying to catch a cab?

--B train


Bus driver: If you want good air conditioning, move to the middle. This bus is crap!

--QM1 bus


Overheard by: MissDona


Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Bad news is that our engine has stopped. The good news is that you're not on an airplane.

--MetroNorth train


Overheard by: Nic


Conductor: Attention ladies and gentlemen, this is not an interactive ride! Please do not hold the doors.

--D train


Overheard by: Camodee D


PA system: Ladies and gentlemen, riding on the outside of cars is dangerous. Please ride fully inside the cars.

--4 train


Overheard by: OJ-Gangas


Conductor: This is the D train headed to the Bronx. I repeat, this is the D train. D, as in Denise Richards.

--D train

Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to [censored] get home. Please keep moving and do not just [censored] stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.

--43rd & 7th


Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!

--N train


Overheard by: Gregorio


The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

--A train


Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.

--M86 bus


Overheard by: Diane


Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It's that simple.

--S train



And this one happens ALL THE F#KING TIME:

 Written by:



Tourist lady: Does this train go to 9/11?
Man: what?
Tourist lady: I want to see 9/11.
Man: You mean World Trade Center?
Tourist lady: No, I mean 9/11.
Other tourist lady: Oh no, you want the E train. I had this problem yesterday. New Yorkers are so unhelpful

Stunned silence all the way to 42nd St.

--Downtown C train, 50th St.



Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:I was on the train late at night 2:30 AM at Times Sq. Crowded uptown (1) train.

Some censored decided that it would be a fine idea to stand in the door and see if maybe possibly his friends were coming along at some indefinate time in the distant future. So after a good two minutes of this, someone said "Hey, arsehole! (except we don't say "arse" in this country) Get in the train or out of the train or I'll decide for you!"

This was answered with "Fcensoredk you!"

Wrong answer. The first gentleman walked up to the guy and gave him a solid shove, landing him flat on his butt on the platform. *DING-DONG* Doors closed and the train left, with the poor schmuck still sitting there on his behind on the platform.

I *LOVED* it.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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fNi
fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York
Member Since: 8th Mar 2004
Total posts: 3354
Posted:d@mn i wish i could've seen that

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

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dani_babyboo
dani_babyboo

addict
Location: Cannock, staffordshire
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2005
Total posts: 667
Posted:i can remember being on the central line trian stuck at snaresbrook just after the london underground bombings when there was lots of security alerts

the conductor told us a train had smoke coming from it at mile end and we couldnt move on, he apologised and said it was probably some stupid kids with smoke bombs or something and that he would love to give all the little brats the train ride of there life and make them never want to use the underground again.

it made up for the fact i had missed my train to my parents and had to wait another hour at euston ubblol


enticed, entrapped, entombed.
intoxicated, impaled, ingested.
bewitched, beaten, broken.
enter the love realm...
insert ur token

o jej, ale bym ci wylizal ten pepek

stepped up promotions

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Domino
UnNatural Scientist - Currently working on a Breville-legged monkey
Location: Bath Uni or Shrewsbury, UK
Member Since: 26th May 2004
Total posts: 757
Posted:Bill Bailey does a skit about train announcements and how usually they're very, very dull and all done in the same monotanous way apart from one time that someone must have knocked the button - treating the train to the line "Oh God it's on fire, what are we gonna do!?"

Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can beat the world into submission.

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JonnyRok
JonnyRok

Look! I'm Darth Bunny!
Location: Sunny South Africa
Member Since: 2nd May 2005
Total posts: 446
Posted:Gee, when i visited the uk all i got to hear on the underground was "Please mind the gap..." shrug

Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!
Yo ho fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright to be,
Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:There's an old saturday night live (late night comedy show) skit making fun of the old horrible speakers that they used to have... the joke was that the speakers were fine, that's just the way those people spoke normally.

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:The best one I ever hear was on a tram in Melbourne during the Commonwealth Games;

"Russel Street. Duke of Wellington Hotel. Where I should be right now."


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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pineapple pete
pineapple pete

water based
Location: melbourne
Member Since: 20th Sep 2004
Total posts: 5125
Posted:hehe, i was right next to rouge for that one tongue

also, ive gotten "thanks for breaking the door lady" from the driver ubblol


"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"

*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:NYC, the subway announcements. Now we all know that except on the 3,4,5,6, and L trains you can never hear the announcements anyway. So I'm a bit increduluous.

-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:Naw, I've heard some crazy announcer. You just gotta be on the train at like 3 in the morning.

I heard one guy say "Sorry for the long announcement, I've always wanted to be a radio DJ."

And you KNOW they get bitchy when folks hold the doors.


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

Delete

Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:We ALL get bitchy when people hold the doors.

Hence, the Times Sq incident with the (1) train.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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skwair
skwair

Member
Location: swampea
Member Since: 13th Sep 2005
Total posts: 44
Posted:only story ive got about the underground was after a 5 hour train journey into london (nasty!), i had a light hearted 10 minute arguement with a conducter person about the directions he gave me. eventually he realised he'd been sending people the wrong way all day, giving them a nice trip around London rolleyes we laughed, the ones that took the advice probably didnt...

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FoxInDocs
FoxInDocs

Pooh-Bah
Location: Adelaide, SA
Member Since: 10th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1848
Posted:i used to get the train to and from the city every morning, most of the drivers would just announce the stations as we were coming to them, the more enthusiastic ones would precede the station name with "next stop" but there was one guy who would do a little speill at the major stations like salisbury (where i'd get on) doing the whole welcome abord thing... and at adelaide doing the whole thanks for traveling with adelaide metro today...

one day he must have been in a bit of a mood though cuz his speill at adelaide went "the time is 8:23 and we are now arriving at adelaide staion, thankyou for traveiling with adelaide metro today, i hope you enjoy your day at work, however, if you feel that you can't face it there is another service going back to salisbury at 8:30 departing from platform 7, thankyou" every single passenger just cracked up laughing...

and another day in winter when it was raining from the same driver "Next station Dry Creek... ...Though it's not looking very dry today"


"i am exotic, and must keep my arms down" - Rougie

"i don't understand what penises have to do with getting married" - Foxie

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:Apparently some lady in Melbourne broke into the area where the microphone was and made noises like she was having sex with the driver. She was doing it regularly on busy commuter trains as well!
I assume she got caught, but I don't know! Wish I was on one of those trains tho! ubblol


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:I've heard some mildly funny stuff on, particuarly the 4 train as it sort of doesn't do anything its supposed to lately, but the best things (which I sadly forgot to submit to overheard in new york) are still from the passengers.

And I can hear the F train announcements occasionally and the G train announcements about always....

You know, this reminds me, friday nights on the lower west side they like to play games with us. One day only an uptown E was running from spring street. The next week the signs said only downtown E's were running but I spotted an uptown C as well. The man said my downtown C was running, and then after 15 minutes said "I have no idea what is running here, but why don't you try going uptown." Useful.... tongue


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:I think the only announcement over the underground in London that freaked me out was a pre-recorded one saying "Please be aware that the Central Line to Camden is closed due to a body under a train"....

Eep! Does it happen that often that they need to pre-record it!


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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:On my ride to college on the train we stop at a tiny little hamlet on the coast called Normans Bay.
The conductor said this a couple of weeks back.

"Ladies and gentlemen we are now arriving in Normans Bay, next stop Normans Bay. I've never seen anyone get on here....Or anyone get off for that matter, but we're stopping here anyway"

biggrin


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Igirisujin
Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston
Member Since: 10th Jul 2005
Total posts: 2666
Posted:lol aw these sound funny, ive never heard anything interesting on trains.

Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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Mint Sauce
veteran
Location: Lancs England
Member Since: 7th Sep 2003
Total posts: 1453
Posted:On the way back from play some lady pulled the emergency alarm because she missed her stop. After a quick chat with the train manager we set off again.

When we came to the next stop the over the tanoy came

we are now coming into Stockport if you missed your stop get off hear and get a train back to the last stop and dont pull the bloody emergency handle


lol made us giggle.


before i met those lot i thought they'd be a bunch of dreadlocked hippies that smoked, set things on fire ,and drank a lot of tea but then when i met them....oh wait (PyroWill)

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted: Written by: Medusa


I think the only announcement over the underground in London that freaked me out was a pre-recorded one saying "Please be aware that the Central Line to Camden is closed due to a body under a train"....

Eep! Does it happen that often that they need to pre-record it!



Some of us were at the Camden Town stop when a pre-recorded "Inspector Strang (or whatever it was), please call 4590 (or something)" came on. Over and over and over.

It took us about five reps before we realized that that must be some sort of emergency code and that we should probably get the hell out of there.

Well we were halfway up the stairs when the pre-recorded "Ladies and Gentlemen, please exit the station immediately" came on. So I'm assuming it was a security/bomb code.

This was before the July attacks but after the Spain attacks. eek


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:Yeep!

I don't think I would even have noticed... ooooops


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:I was exiting the metro on Rome when there was a bomb scare, but do I understand Italian? Not a chance! I only found out later!

However I was evacuated from Bayswater station in London cos it flooded!


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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FoxInDocs
FoxInDocs

Pooh-Bah
Location: Adelaide, SA
Member Since: 10th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1848
Posted: Written by: Medusa


"Please be aware that the Central Line to Camden is closed due to a body under a train"....

Eep! Does it happen that often that they need to pre-record it!



Happens fairly frequently here too... my sisters best-friend's uncle used to be a train-driver in adelaide, he apparently hit 17 people in the 20 years he was a train driver.

and last year my sister and her boyfriend got on a train to go into the city, and before they got to the next stop they had to get off and walk back to their original station and catch a bus cuz they'd run someone over. apparently her boyfriend looked out the back window of the train and saw the bottom half of a person lying on the tracks...


"i am exotic, and must keep my arms down" - Rougie

"i don't understand what penises have to do with getting married" - Foxie

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_Aime_
_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings
Member Since: 2nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 4172
Posted:Uh-uh...it happens alot..
Even at quiant little stations in Sussex...
You know the rocks that are inbetween the rails? Theres a lovely bare patch where the stones used to be, with tinges of red in the middle - at the station I get off for college.
They couldn't just pick her up..they had to scoop her up...stones an' all *shudder*

I've never heard any anouncemants on the tube. It's too noisy!


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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:Yeah, ive hd trains delayed for a "body on the tracks" I looked at my dad and he said "yes, it does mean that" it kind of freaked me out for the rest of that day. And I've been late to uni before as well because a train hit a car at a level crossing. fortunately, it wasn't my train.

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:i really could have done without knowing how often people are run over....

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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