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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:Hello everyone...

Oks, well, I've had some bad news and thought I would post on here for advice on alternative therapies.

I've had a look through the existing threads (nice search system Malcolm!!) but didn't find what I was looking for, so I hope this is ok.


So then...

Just over a month ago my mother turned yellow.
It was two days before my parents were due to go on holiday, and instead she ended up in hospital.

They discovered it was a blockage near her bile duct, and after sticking a camera down her throat, found out she had a tumour on her pancreas.

She was eventually sent home for a few weeks to recuperate, then brought back in for an operation last Friday.

We discovered then that the tumour on her pancreas is too big - 6 cms - to operate on, and parts of it have spread to nearby glands.

The prognosis isn't good. They've told her between 6 months and a year, but any reseach I've done shows people with pancreatic cancer lasting between 4 - 6 months.

Our family is coping well, considering, so far.

(Personally, I feel like I'm constantly going to cry.
I try not to think about her leaving us as much as possible. My mother is the strongest person in the world... She is kind and lovely and despite having pissed me off often, has done a splendid job and has had a splendid life (she's travelled all over the place - took a boat to Australia from Ireland 40 years ago to work as a nanny on a cattle ranch!! She came home, by boat, via NZ, Fiji and the Panama Canal - in a time when tourism wasn't Lonely Planet travel-by-numbers).

At the minute, I'm coping. I'm finding myself running about my parent's house 'doing stuff' for them while also trying to keep a performance business afloat. That's been a barrel of laughs in itself... anyone setting up a business in the arts - prepare yourself now for the bitchiness, competition, jealousy and lack of support.

My deepest apologies to m'lovely friends on here if I haven't responded to your PMs or calls recently - thanks BamBam and Fluff x).

Jesus... that was a bitter and twisted rant... humblest apologies for that... redface

Anyways... I have posted this for a reason rolleyes smile

The doctors are still deciding whether mum should have chemo.
None of us are very happy with that idea... don't want her last few months to be spent throwing up.

She's got a very strong Christian faith, which keeps her bouncing through each day (lol, and she keeps emotionally blackmailing me to convert!!! Lol... I've told her it won't happen, but thanks anyway smile )

But I want info on alternative therapies... things that might reduce it, or just prolong her life for a bit. Does anyone here have any advice on where I could look?

I know not to accept intershnet advice as gospel, but it's good to get a guideline - or a point in the right direction.

Electro-magnetic therapy? Acupuncture? Organic foods and no tap water?!!

Does anyone here have any helpful hints?

Thanks so much for your time... and go home tonight and give your parents a hug... they could be gone much sooner than you think.

Love and hugs to you alll
Clare xx


Getting to the other side smile

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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:ubbcrying

Damn I wish I could focus on doing something...

Thank you for your love... and I can really feel it coming to me when I read these posts. grouphug

Step... thank you for your lovely words... I like your contrast... from uber-smut to uber-sensitive... fabulous smile

To those who have sent me PMs... thank you and I am thinking of you... I haven't responded to PMs in ages, because I seem to be avoiding most things at the minute... but I will.

hug


Getting to the other side smile

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mech
mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted: Written by: _Clare_




Step... thank you for your lovely words... I like your contrast... from uber-smut to uber-sensitive... fabulous smile





honey, only for you, and only cos its needed hug

(just dont tell anyone, it will ruin me)


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Skulduggery
Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales
Member Since: 12th Aug 2004
Total posts: 8428
Posted:Clare, don't be so hard on yourself. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel all these mixture of emotion. Our door and hearts are always open to you. hug2

Mech, you are so gorgeous! I am honoured to be able to call you my friend kiss


Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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mech
mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted: Written by: Skulduggery



Mech, you are so gorgeous! I am honoured to be able to call you my friend kiss



see now its fooking ruined, now ppl think im nice...

dont make me bring teh *THWAP* back!

wink

clare you are as always, an inspiration...thank you

skully - you are lush beyond words, i am so glad you and jonnie found each other, my blessings on your relationship.


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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:hug2

Hehehhehe... you have an alter-ego... cool smile


Getting to the other side smile

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BamBam
BamBam

Pooh-Bah
Location: London
Member Since: 1st Dec 2001
Total posts: 1810
Posted:Hi Clare hug,

Princess my heart is aching for you and your family right now. I didnt read the post you made and deleted but I just feel that I need to share with you.
Clare you already know I went through this last year with my mum frown frown

Mum had been ill with many forms of cancer during the last 6 years, stating with lung and finally ending with 3 large brain tumours (with other forms in the middle too). I live in London and my parents in Lincoln; it felt like a million miles away a lot of the time

My father retired from his job September 05 - due to having a mortgage to pay and mum not being at work for the last few years dad wasnt able to leave his job before that time. Three weeks after retirement mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour, this hit us all so hard we really thought that she was going into a longer period of stability.

Mum required a lot of care over the next few months, while at first we all wanted her to be at home, we (including mum) realised due to the nature of her illness she required a lot more help, more than any of us were able to offer her (on the spot medicines and other things). During the past mum had been admitted to the local hospice when she needed it, or when dad needed the rest (it was emotionally and physically draining for us all). So she went back in there and received the 24 hour care that she so desperately needed. It was a happy beautiful Hospice even now when I think about it I feel a sense of calm, the nurses became family and friends to us all.

In the last few months I wanted to spend all of time my with my family Thanks to Coleman being the amazing person that he is, I was taken to and from Lincoln every weekend and more often than not during the week. I was scared that I was going to miss something, be it just a moment of my real mother being back (the tumours changed her personality dramatically almost making her a child at times).

Toward the end my feelings were changing every day, sometimes hourly

By then, I wanted mum to die frown I couldnt bear to see her suffer the way she was. Mum had always told us that she was scared of losing her mind; she could handle her body failing but not her head.

I thought what a horrible human being I was for wanting that to happen to my own mother. In the end I talked to Cole, I shared all my fears with him; he totally understood what I meant. Its hard to watch someone you love and respect to much being eaten away slowly. When I finally talked to my dad and sister about this I realised that they too were feeling the same. It actually brought us together, made us lean on each other in ways that we had never managed to before.

Mums soul was finally released on January 31st 2006 angelblue angel2 angel

Youre allowed to be scared, frightened, confused Expect it, but also expect the highs, the small things that make you realise you have been given the chance to meet the real person behind the name of mum. Be yourself, its the only chance you will ever have.

I was lucky to have fallen in love with the beautiful Coleman he helped show me that he and my friends wanted to sit and listen to me/cry with me/hug me. So many of you out there kept me up during even the darkest times Helz Bellz, Bluecat, Mech, Knoxious and far too many others to list, I love you all so much and want you to know it heart grouphug smile

Clare at the time of my trouble I wish I could have reached out to others more, or accepted the love compassion that they were giving me, but I didnt feel I deserved it I thought those things should have been meant for my mum and not for me, this too is a normal reaction/feeling.

Honey this might or might not be what you wanted to read, but at last I feel that now I can speak to all about what happened.

I know I dont need to say it again, but keep sharing with us, we are all here to pick you up, wipe away your tears, give you the understanding you need. Heck how many times have you been the angel that you are and given selflessly to others?

We love you Clare,

Lisa
x
hug


A kiss blown is a kiss wasted, the only kind of kiss is a kiss tasted.

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a LITTLE bit scary.

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mech
mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted: Written by: _Clare_


hug2

Hehehhehe... you have an alter-ego... cool smile



ok, so on a day to day basis, im step, a werid manners IT/IS engineer [censored]

on special days

im SUPER [censored]!


Non-Https Image Link


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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:(Hahahahhaha... Mech... Supersperm? Lol... that's so fantastically inappropriate it's genius, nice one hug)





*breathe*



Thank you Lisa... you know you're one of those very wonderful people who have helped me so much with your story over the past few months smile



Thank you for posting it here... you are so brave and stunning.



You make me want to be stronger and inspire me to feel happier about the future... there will be no happy ending, but one day my mind will feel clearer again.

It's the real acceptance of life changes, isn't it?



Thank you for your love and support... and thank you for taking the time and energy to give it.



I'm really glad you had Cole there with you... what a blessing. Hug him from me for that one biggrin



I might repost what I deleted tomorrow. Not sure... I'll think about it some more.



It's a bit dark... and that might be why I deleted it... seeing it written there makes me realise the path I'm on.



With love and affection and gratitude,

Clare xx

EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1176986420)


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BamBam
BamBam

Pooh-Bah
Location: London
Member Since: 1st Dec 2001
Total posts: 1810
Posted:Mech even now you make me smile when I feel a bit down smile

Clare honey use that young man as much as you like, I can assure you he's good for it.

Since hearing you talk from the heart I've really felt that I need to get it out. So I really need to thank you Clare, before now I only ever showed the silly side on here - opening up is frightening.

Love and respect a plenty.

Lisa
xx


A kiss blown is a kiss wasted, the only kind of kiss is a kiss tasted.

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a LITTLE bit scary.

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Neon_Shaolin
Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Member Since: 13th Jul 2005
Total posts: 6120
Posted:BamBam hug hug hug

You are amazing for that post. I'm sorry you had to go through that as well.

Despite many people's best efforts, I sometimes feel that no matter how well-intentioned, my words feel rather hollow because I haven't gone through the same ordeal. So not to poo-poo on the well-wishes of others, it feels more 'valid' and comforting from someone who has been through it.

Regarding what BamBam said about how you both feel like you don't deserve the comforting words of others and that they should be for your mum. The sad fact is that after she has passed, you will be left to deal with the loss yourself.

Again, for fear of being repetitive - you are not alone. hug


"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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LazyAngel
LazyAngel

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Cambridge UK
Member Since: 29th Jul 2004
Total posts: 2895
Posted:BamBam> hug

Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi

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Spanner
Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere...
Member Since: 27th Feb 2003
Total posts: 2790
Posted: Written by: BamBam



Clare at the time of my trouble I wish I could have reached out to others more, or accepted the love compassion that they were giving me, but I didnt feel I deserved it







I've been thinking about this for a while and have also been wondering today how to word it, but BamBam got it in one ( and I'm really glad you also felt able to share your side with us as well, Lisa hug ) smile

Many of us find it very difficult to open up to even their closest friends as much as we should - I know I do - so I'm very glad you have.

Lots of love to you lady xxx


"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

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mech
mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted:bams, honey you are more than welcome

you have shown me endless patience, as have cole and helen, endless second chances, and i thank you for that

i think all of those how know me, all of those who i am blessed to still have with me, and all those who have passed befoe me

(please dont ask me about this comment, it hurts far to much to go into, i am nearly crying at my desk thinking about it.)

i am truly blessed, in the friends that i have had and still have.

clare remember that you are blessed, and never forget that no one will last forever, and you mum has gotten to see you do some pretty amazing things, from your first card to her, to your show, and to you being a young woman in teh world.

knwo the love flows to you, and know that the same love flows to yoru family and to your mother at this time.

it will not stoop flowing to you ever, this i promise.

lisa

you are a stunning young woman, you should always remember that you are a young vibrant woman, who has touched many people lifes, with smiles, and happiness.

cole is a rock, he is a gift, treasure him, i know you both (not well) but i see the love in your eyes for each other, you are both blessed, and i wish to add my blessing to your life moving forwards together....

(and i promise not to get naked at any time to celebrate your marriage wink )

clare, please dont ever feel like you can not post on here your dark feeling, or your emotions based from any point in your life, only you will knwo when it is right for you

and if any one should look down on your for it, well they would make a terrible mistake, you are loved more by showing you are human, then you are for wearing armour.

know that you are here to find solice in yoru friends, and knwo they want to give you shelter when you need it

honey you are welcome and you will always be so.

lisa - thank you smile


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bluecat
bluecat

geek, level 1
Location: everywhere
Member Since: 15th Dec 2002
Total posts: 5300
Posted:hug

Holistic Spinner (I hope)

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mech
mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted:one other thing, is i want to say thank you also to all those who have offeredn,a nd still offer clare, lisa, and all the others who have helped us when we need it.

in this thread you have created a safe place for people a common chi. you should all be proud of yourselves for trying to help her, but you should also be proud of each other for showing you care, and that you are willing to give you time to read and offer advice, or even a hug.

know that you are appreciated, and that some day, you will have the Karma returned to you in some way.


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BansheeCat
veteran
Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247
Posted:Lisa, when we met in Scotland (at Bluecats) you kindly shared a little of your experience with your mom and her cancer with me...

At the moment that helped me soooo much to deal with what was happenning with my Dad. I don't know that I ever got to tell you how much I appreaciated the sharing of such an personal experience with a stranger! Thank-you!

I had been feeling as you describe- unable to talk about it at all, and also unwilling to be as dark as I felt when everyone else was all happy and having fun.Just our little talk in the kitchen reassured me, calmed me, made me remember that I was not actually alone with it.

Thanks for it then, and thanks for it now!
xoxox
a


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:smile

Step... very true, thank you.

This thread has become a very open place, filled with love and good energy and feeling...

There can't be any better tribute to my mum (for those that know her smile )

Thank you all...
xx


Getting to the other side smile

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jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:since I last looked at this thread, a lot have posts have been made. I feel so f**king lucky to have been welcomed into this community and so honoured to call you lot my friends hug

Out of something so tragic and traumatic, so much love and comfort comes about. It's so amazing how we care for each other like a family. I love it so much!!

I love the way that I am here for you guys, and the fact you will be there for me when I am sad.

Jonny and Skully have looked after me for a whole week when I was losing my brain. And Mech, you've helped me when I've really needed it too.

I just want to say that HoP rocks and we rock so much!! biggrin grouphug heart kiss ubblove hug grouphug


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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DeepSoulSheep
DeepSoulSheep

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Berlin
Member Since: 25th Sep 2002
Total posts: 2617
Posted:ubbcrying

ubblove smile ubblove


I live in a world of infinite possibilities.

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georgemc
georgemc

Sitting down facing forward . . .
Location: Christchurch
Member Since: 16th Oct 2006
Total posts: 2387
Posted: Written by: _Clare_


What happens if something goes wrong when I'm away?
Told her this fear yesterday - she said 'you can't live like that... just do what you want, especially as you can't change it anyway'.
Then she said: 'what would you do differently if something was to happen?'
Arrrrggghghhh!!! This is the worst question... I have no idea!




Hi again Clare, I don't think I covered this bit in my PM so I'll take another crack - and I'm posting this here rather than PMing it because after seeing all the posts by everyone else, I feel a bit more comfortable that it will be accepted as someone trying to help even if I don't know anyone (I know I haven't earned the respect that everyone else here has).

And just to be clear, when I talk about "something happening" - I mean any generic life event...

OK, "What would I do differently?"... I think this is the kind of thing that everyone does all through life - the "what if" game - "if I knew that was going to happen, what would I have done different"?? Well, being as old as I am(!) & seeing the life situations of a whole bunch of people that I was responsible for as well as my own, I reckon that most people really get themselves messed up playing that game. You see (the way I look at it is) you CANNOT go back and change it so there is absolutely no point even thinking about the "what if" - we make our choices day by day, minute by minute, and part of being responsible people is accepting the responsibility that goes with the choices we make.
In your case as I already mentioned, I figure your Mum (& family) knows you love them and that you can't (& shouldn't) be there all the time. So if anything happens while you are away, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, and you shouldn't beat yourself up if that happens. How many minutes in a day?? and only one of them will be the minute when something happens. We can't pick that minute, so we shouldn't stress about it - before or after the fact. Que cera, cera - what will be, will be...

Please Clare, don't stress about all those little things which really come back to worrying about what other people might think of you. As you can see here, you are loved and respected for what and who you are, and we will all be here to support you and your decisions. Your Mum and Dad also love and respect you for yourself...
So, what else do you need to stress about? nothing I think.
Let the stress go. Relax your mind. Enjoy your Mum & Dad while you can and honour them at all times by being yourself and being true to yourself.

And don't worry about what is in the future - you can't predict it, you can't control it, so don't worry about it - what will be, will be. It will happen regardless of you worrying one way or another so don't worry about it. Just ride along with it and I think you will find it easier to cope with whatever life brings you.
I maybe overgeneralising, but from my experience, all the people who I've seen who are unhappy, stressed, or otherwise miserable in life, have all been playing the "what if" game all their life and they can't get out of that mode and just ride along with the wave that is life. Analogy - the sea and life - the sea is a powerful beast and you wouldn't think of trying to stop the waves, the tide, etc. If you did you'd do a lot for no end result. The best way is to simply go with it and react to what it does - go with the flow as they say. It's the same with life and all those life events.
I'm sure you already know all this Clare - it just sounds as if you might be doubting it, and doubting yourself, in the face of this significant life event you are now facing. Don't doubt yourself. Stay strong. I've seen your strength in your dance - you cannot doubt it. It is who you are.

I wish I was there to give you this in person, but I think you have others there who'll pass it on for me. hug

Take care of yourself.
hug
George


Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin

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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Reading Lisas post reminded me of what my mum has said in that she wants a Do Not Resusitate order. Nana had a heart attack that she was revived from and from that time on her personality slowly changed from a loving warm caring woman who especiallly loved babies and children ubblove to a nasty selfish horrid person so different to who we knew all those years before. frown From a lady who had an endless line of people visiting her to a few who went through duty and guilt and couldnt wait to get out again. Mum wants to leave us all with who she is now, not someone whose frontal lobe reasoning has left her. ubbcrying

Claire no matter what you post or how dark you feel if you want to share it , do so. If you want to delete it after also do it without feeling you have to justify it.

Many of us care for you even though we have never met or are likely to we are all connected. Bloody wandering wombat hugger is one for you and I wink


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:George:



Thank you for posting here... I'm not doing well with writing PMs at the mo... don't know why, but I'm trying to stop questionning my decisions so much this week smile



And spank for thinking you haven't earned respect!

Everyone should be respected, until they do something to lose that!

It's been really nice to have someone from HoP HQ round the boards a bit more regularly... and it's been exciting to hear about what HoP is planning for the future...



You are right... I do worry too much about what other people think... but I always have. That said, I'm 28 now, and I'm getting better at dealing with that over time... I'm certainly better than I was a few years ago.



I'll get there (to a blissful state of non-paranoia) in the end biggrin



Ahh relax your mind... by contrast, that's becoming increasingly difficult. Responsibilities are piling up around me and unimportant things suddenly take on great importance because of their effect on my emotions.



Thank you so much for your words though... going with the flow is something I want/need to be living right now... but am too easily distracted from the way. I need to find a way to calm my mind and allow things to happen.



This one fits it, in a way:

"Our quaint metaphysical opinions, in an hour of anguish, are like the playthings by the bedside of a deathly sick child."

Samuel Taylor Coleridge.



Gnor... hug2



Both my parents have said they don't want to have any treatment that would prolong their life artificially... which is good. I'm sure my dad and I are hoping (massively) that it will never get to the stage where her personality changes.



She would be so disappointed, and it would make it so much harder for us. She's keeping in relatively good spirits... so it's not too bad at the minute.



We're hoping that she slips away peacefully in the night... surrounded by us all. It's difficult to imagine anything else.





Anyways... I've decided to repost that thing I deleted (on 18/4). It's pretty dark though, because I was in a bad place when I wrote it.



I'm not so bad now... but I guess you have to accept the lows with the highs.



hug

EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1177071786)


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LazyAngel
LazyAngel

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Cambridge UK
Member Since: 29th Jul 2004
Total posts: 2895
Posted:life is made up of light and dark: you can't have one without the other: otherwise how would you know what was what?

if our whole lives were spent in bliss, how would we know that was bliss? we would simply take it as 'normal'. It's the dark times that remind us how truly lucky we are when something good happens to us.

And the good times are what help us to get through the dark times, the eternal promise that tomorrow could be the most amazing day you ever have. Sometimes, its the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.

I guess the only thing you can try to do is think of the good times when in the dark times, and when in the good times, give yourself to them completely and utterly: they are more precious than anything else.

Just my tuppence,

grouphug for all the people in this thread


Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi

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georgemc
georgemc

Sitting down facing forward . . .
Location: Christchurch
Member Since: 16th Oct 2006
Total posts: 2387
Posted:Clare, that 18th post is just fine. Nothing to be ashamed of. And dammit, I really wish I could just walk next door and give you a big hug and have a good long cry and just talk "crap" with you for a coupla hours as I'm teary now. (So much for the "big strong GM" guy huh?)

Going with the flow being hard, being distracted etc etc - it's easy for me to say from miles away while you're living it every day, but when all's said and done, at the end of the day it's down to what Yoda said when Luke's X-Wing is stuck in the swamp - "Do or do not. There is no try."

Another of my little stories from very recently: my Dental Hygenist had been telling me for some time I need to floss my teeth every day if I want to keep my teeth. I replied that it is hard to make the time/get into the habit but I am trying. The reply was a little out of left field - "Try to touch your nose" she demanded. Easily done and I obliged. But no - "you actually touched your nose TRY to touch your nose" ... I got the point and strained my hand with my finger a couple centimeters away from the tip of my nose. I really got the point and now I floss my teeth regularly!
This little story would probably have ended there if it wasn't for my Kendo. One of the girls there is very committed and has good technique but is struggling to make the rapid attacks and "aggressiveness" required in competition. Just before one competition 2 weeks ago she was telling me that she was trying... I told her this story and "Touch your nose" became our rallying cry to really commit to the required effort.

So Clare, I'm guessing the distractedness comes from your fear of what others will think AND the fear of not knowing what what's going to happen. Coleridge has it soooo right there. Well, guess what - you can't change what people will think of you so no point worrying about that, and you can't change whatever will happen (you can influence some but not change), so again...
But a little bit of fear is ok - it'll help you keep alert when you need to be.

Sounds like you're a lot like me and you need to keep yourself busy right now. Just be practical about what you choose to do as you know you're not going to be so focussed as usual.
The responsibilities piling around you?? They were either always there, or they don't exist - check again girl and don't take on something you're not ready for just because you think you have an obligation to do so.

And a thought with the PM's - it's probably hard because it's more personal - here the posts can be general and not go too deep to the heart of the matter without some personal connection. I'm guessing you still have many of your fears buried deep down... Maybe you need to time a visit to your parents to allow a really good "Mum & Dad I'm really scared about..." talk - have a really good heart to heart and a really good cry and I bet that at the end of it you'll all feel MUCH better. I'm guessing that each of you is scared for each-other rather than actually scared for yourself - get that out of the way and the healing will start.

Oh dear, rambling again, and maybe getting too dark also. And probably not helping anyway as I am darn sure that you already know... You don't need our advice, just our hugs and shoulder to cry on every once in a while when the dark is too much.

So Clare, strength and hug's
Touch your nose

George


Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin

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Valura
Valura

Mumma Hen
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Member Since: 25th Apr 2002
Total posts: 6391
Posted:Clare,

I cant even begin to put into words how much I would love to be in the same country as you.. to be there when you need it, to be able to give you a cup of tea, or some energy to help you when you feel like yours has disappeared.

I wish for you that all the times you feel like giving up, you know there is an angel at your shoulder helping you along.

My nan passed away from lung/breast cancer in sept of last year. Seeing someone you love so much suffering and being unable to do anything to make sure they feel better is the most frustrating thing that I personally have ever been through.

It was the most helpless I have ever felt.

You are doing an amazing job of sorting through your emotions and being there to support your family. Some days you will need to take time for you to help sort your thoughts and feelings out and thats ok...I'm glad to read you are also taking time to see your friends and getting your friends to meet your Mum... thats an amazing thing to do.

I was so angry when Nana passed away. Even now I still get furious. But I know that now she is at rest that she watches over me and my family and I often feel her around.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, whatever you feel and whenever you feel it, express it...cause we will understand and not judge you for that. Its normal and very natural for you to be visiting your dark place right now and we will do everything we can to help shed some light and love for you, whenever possible.

If at any stage you need to talk or vent, please let me know. I would love to be there for you. hug hug hug hug hug


TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:George:

Thanks... I slip into that dark head space every now and again, and then at other times I feel ok, but drained and unable to focus.

It would be good to have you (in fact, all of you biggrin) next door... it would distract me from myself... (and the fact that my shoulders hurt... dammit, I need a massage biggrin)

I have been realising something similar in the last couple of days... I need to stop worrying about how I'm coping, and just cope.

Everyone goes through this, in one way or another, sooner or later.
I have the mental tools to know how to deal with this... I just need to use them, and to stop being slack/scared/unfocused.

And you're right... the responsibilities were always piling up ubblol
That's not particularly new... although, I am forgetting more of the finer details than I did last year (turning up to a show without someone's costume, for example! rolleyes)

That said, I'm setting up my own business... so I do have a very strong obligation to keep going... (to myself, to others I work with, to the places I need to pay bills to).

"And a thought with the PM's - it's probably hard because it's more personal - here the posts can be general and not go too deep to the heart of the matter without some personal connection. I'm guessing you still have many of your fears buried deep down... "

This is completely true...
But the truth is, I don't have anyone close (as in, that I completely trust and spend alot of time with) that I can talk to right now.

Lots of people have offered a shoulder (thank god biggrin), and I have taken advantage of that quite a lot - but it's different to having that kind of closeness where someone really knows you and won't run away when you are open.

It's a bit sad... but, it's just the way it is... Not worth adding to my list of things to worry about smile

As for crying on my parents... no.
It's definitely not the right time... we are all putting on a brave face at the minute, and it needs to be that way.

There will be plenty of time for tears when she goes back into hospital... and if we start crying now, we'll be exhausted by then. This is coping...

Thank you so much for the wishes - they are great words... and hugs and massage is what I need right now.

(fortunately, I have two lovely friends visiting next weekend... who will be under orders to keep me entertained and massaged biggrin Ahem... they don't know that yet biggrin)

Valura... thanks so much for taking the time and sharing...

Y'know, I do feel the love and support that comes to me from around the world.. and it helps so much...

My mother is a strong Christian and has always believed in the power of prayer... well... I believe that when you guys send me your good wishes and positive energy it has exactly the same effect as the Christian belief in prayer... it can be felt.

(It kindof ties in with my ideas about connecting energies)

(As a bit of an aside... when I was in Thailand in January I met a French shaman who explained about his understanding of magic - which he gathered while in India.

He suggested that when people say good things about you, send you positive wishes and love - this is white magic. It results in good things happening to that person.

This is something that we can encourage, by being respectful and kind to other people.

When someone thinks badly of someone else, or bitches about them, or sends bad thoughts - that is black magic. It results in bad things happening to that person (generally indirectly, through rumour and gossip... because black magic can spread as easily as white).

This is alot harder to ward off, but with enough positivity, the darkness can be overcome.

This makes a lot of sense to me... smile )

Righto...

xx


Getting to the other side smile

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jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:I believe that too, sending love and light actually does so, and may improve the situation.

My buddhist friend would often chant for me when I was feeling panicky. smile It's just nice to know people care! biggrin


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:smile

Yep...

In mother news...

She's slow, frustrated and generally annoyed at not being able to walk very far or do very much... but she does know it could be worse.

She gets daily blood tests, and on Friday her blood showed a leap in something or other that meant her blood was very thin.

She's tired alot - but won't tell visitors who stay too long to leave.

She has a hospital appointment on Wednesday morning, when they will check out the hard lumpy thing in her leg. We're all hoping they don't keep her in again... because that would be massively annoying.

x


Getting to the other side smile

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jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:daily blood tests?? She's a human pincushion!!

I suggest she should hire goons/thugs/bouncers. When she's had enough of visitors, she can give them a nod/wink/some kind of subtle sign, and they can escort them out the house! biggrin

Good luck for Wednesday morning, fingers crossed and sending lots of love xx


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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Skulduggery
Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales
Member Since: 12th Aug 2004
Total posts: 8428
Posted:I think you should fit your mums house with an ejector seat that guests have to sit in. That way with just one push of a button she can blap them out through a hole in the roof where they will gently parachute down to the ground outside. She would never have to tolerate over staying guests ever again.... and think of the fun she could have inviting cold callers into the house just to brag with stories of her most gorgeous daughter, the fire dancer, only to press the button the instant they try to change the subject to selling her something biggrin The thought of flinging a double glazing sales man into the air only to watch him float back down outside looking bemused is worth the cost of the chair alone ubblol

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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