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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Hello everyone...

Oks, well, I've had some bad news and thought I would post on here for advice on alternative therapies.

I've had a look through the existing threads (nice search system Malcolm!!) but didn't find what I was looking for, so I hope this is ok.


So then...

Just over a month ago my mother turned yellow.
It was two days before my parents were due to go on holiday, and instead she ended up in hospital.

They discovered it was a blockage near her bile duct, and after sticking a camera down her throat, found out she had a tumour on her pancreas.

She was eventually sent home for a few weeks to recuperate, then brought back in for an operation last Friday.

We discovered then that the tumour on her pancreas is too big - 6 cms - to operate on, and parts of it have spread to nearby glands.

The prognosis isn't good. They've told her between 6 months and a year, but any reseach I've done shows people with pancreatic cancer lasting between 4 - 6 months.

Our family is coping well, considering, so far.

(Personally, I feel like I'm constantly going to cry.
I try not to think about her leaving us as much as possible. My mother is the strongest person in the world... She is kind and lovely and despite having pissed me off often, has done a splendid job and has had a splendid life (she's travelled all over the place - took a boat to Australia from Ireland 40 years ago to work as a nanny on a cattle ranch!! She came home, by boat, via NZ, Fiji and the Panama Canal - in a time when tourism wasn't Lonely Planet travel-by-numbers).

At the minute, I'm coping. I'm finding myself running about my parent's house 'doing stuff' for them while also trying to keep a performance business afloat. That's been a barrel of laughs in itself... anyone setting up a business in the arts - prepare yourself now for the bitchiness, competition, jealousy and lack of support.

My deepest apologies to m'lovely friends on here if I haven't responded to your PMs or calls recently - thanks BamBam and Fluff x).

Jesus... that was a bitter and twisted rant... humblest apologies for that... redface

Anyways... I have posted this for a reason rolleyes smile

The doctors are still deciding whether mum should have chemo.
None of us are very happy with that idea... don't want her last few months to be spent throwing up.

She's got a very strong Christian faith, which keeps her bouncing through each day (lol, and she keeps emotionally blackmailing me to convert!!! Lol... I've told her it won't happen, but thanks anyway smile )

But I want info on alternative therapies... things that might reduce it, or just prolong her life for a bit. Does anyone here have any advice on where I could look?

I know not to accept intershnet advice as gospel, but it's good to get a guideline - or a point in the right direction.

Electro-magnetic therapy? Acupuncture? Organic foods and no tap water?!!

Does anyone here have any helpful hints?

Thanks so much for your time... and go home tonight and give your parents a hug... they could be gone much sooner than you think.

Love and hugs to you alll
Clare xx


Getting to the other side smile

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:ubblol ubblol



Classic... nice one ladies... I tell her that when I call round tonight.



She'll agree with the pincushion comment alright!!



And I know my dad will Love the idea of an ejector seat... ubblol


Getting to the other side smile

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:I like the idea of Goons.

Goons is a cool word. When people ask who they are, your mum can say in a nonchalent manner: 'Oh, they're my hired Goons' and then chuckle to herself (or out loud) because she said 'Goon'.

Then she can also be reminded of the Goonies, and how it's an awesome film, that should be thought about at least once every day, if only for the 'Truffle Shuffle' and the cool contraptions to open the gate.

Loads of hugs to you Clare. Sorry I didn't talk to you as much as I would have liked at BJC. I kinda figured that you might want a brief distraction from these unhappy moments, so offered hugs instead.

Well impressed with how your handling this. You're doing a much better job than I would be.

Your family must be really proud of you. I would be.

hug

Always happy to offer and give kind words and hugs. Just say the word. smile Jeanine says Hi, and was glad she was able to spend a bit of time with at BJC, and sends loads of Hugs and Strength.

Keep smiling and take care.

hug


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

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georgemc
BRONZE Member since Oct 2006

georgemc

Sitting down facing forward . . .
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand

Total posts: 2387
Posted:The Goons - classic British comedy ...
*breaks into deep voice "Oim da faymous Eccles"!!" ubblol ubblol

hug Clare. Remember I used to work around ejector seats, so if you need any help installing/servicing/aiming - give me a holler!

George


Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:smile



Mum was doing really well tonight smile



And so was Dad... both of them were all happy and smiley and stuff.



Mum even went to church, which pleased her greatly (she put her general well-being down to the power of prayer... I decided against using my 'well, it could also be the earth's universal energy and white magic' argument biggrin)



I told her about the pincushion and the ejector seat ideas...



She said 'do you tell your online friends Everything?'



I said yes...



She was probably slightly horrified, but nonetheless, laughed at the idea of the ejector seat (but only mild laughing, because, you know, it's not nice to forcibly eject ladies from the church, especially those of a certain age, through the sitting room window).



smile



xx


Getting to the other side smile

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdo...

Total posts: 4525
Posted:they sound like the women that come round my mum's house on a Tuesday evening....

*dark suspense music*...

The local W.I. eek

I wish we could eject the W.I right out of Newbury. Ka-Blam!

Or I could set my Hired Goons on them biggrin


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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LazyAngel
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

LazyAngel

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Cambridge UK

Total posts: 2895
Posted:sounds like you need a Wi - Fi

or Women's institute Flight inducer


Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi

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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth, Australia

Total posts: 5814
Posted:Visitors who stay too long can be treated the same as kids who hang around too much. Give them jobs. Im sure your mum wont do it but get them to wash the dishes, put dinner on and fold the washing. Clean the bathroom floor etc wink
Worth a try anyways. It works on my kids, they hang around moaning ( as opposed to talking) they get jobs.
"Mum Im bored," gets a " Hang out that load of clothes". Mum used to have her "me" time in a shadehouse full of rocks. if we came in and upset her space she would get us to shift rocks.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:ubblol ubblol

That's exactly what I suggested!

Give them chores... like cleaning or ironing smile

Dad laughed... mum wasn't so impressed biggrin

x


Getting to the other side smile

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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth, Australia

Total posts: 5814
Posted:Get your Dad to give them chores. wink

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdo...

Total posts: 4525
Posted:You could just say "ok, everybody out now!! Get out! Shooo!" and sweep them out with a big broom.

We can't do that with the W.I. Unfortunately, but with your visitors it might work smile

I'm glad I don't live at my folks' now, to endure Tuesday night committee meetings!! yuck!


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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whirlygig
BRONZE Member since Apr 2007

newbie
Location: redneckville, Canada

Total posts: 7
Posted:hi clare,
i just happened accross your story, im so sorry to hear about your mum, i lost my mum 11 years ago to cancer and my auntie (second mum) 4 years ago to pancreatic cancer... it just brought it all back... it sounds like youre being so strong....just what your mum needs shes lucky to have you by her side. she will be fine...im not a religious person, but theres something better after this..and she sounds like she knows it too... dont forget to look after yourself too..its very easy to spend all your time caring for your ma... but stress and worry makes you sick.....very sick... i believe it was stress that started my mums cancer... maybe go for a reiki session yourself... its an amazing thing...it might help... the visitors.... i know...draining... we had to put a sign on the gate with visiting times....sounds bad.... but my auntie nan was so tired too...and felt like she always had to be happy and positive for all the people... and they didnt really mind...they understand...
ive been babbling, when i just wanted to say youre in my thoughts...
x


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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Thanks so much for your thoughts and best wishes.

My mum doesn't drink or smoke and she isn't that stressed... so it's really hard to pinpoint what caused (if it's even possible to guess the cause) the tumour...

I think it might have been the vast amount of cleaning chemicals in her house... she likes to keep the place very clean.

frown

Things are very tough right now. As we expected them to be.

She's still ok-ish, but you can feel the pressure in the house, just behind the veil of 'keeping it all civil and non-traumatic' (which, by contrast, is quite a nice break from being alone with my thoughts).

I'm having big problems dealing with anything, to be honest.
Still can't focus on anything, am still very low and finding it hard to get any peace... so really, I'm not being strong at all.

Something else happened recently - which has left me feeling rather sad. (And every upset in my attempt to retain some control of my life seems magnified by a hundred).

So that, along with constant dramatic emotional outbursts in the direction of a very few close friends, leaves me feeling very weak and utterly humiliated (I know they would say it's fine and it doesn't matter... but that reassurance doesn't change how I feel).

... In other words... I can't handle anything well right now, I feel weak and stupid and embarrassed - and that is incredibly frustrating.

Reiki might be a good idea.

My mum and dad and brother went out for a drive this afternoon and didn't invite me... I'm even getting upset about something so small and trivial!

Argh!!

Stop the world, I want to get off, please.


PS: If you're reading this, but you're probably not ( smile ), thanks for being here this weekend mog... it was great to have you here. And you should do the make-up thing more often tongue You looked pretty biggrin

hug


Getting to the other side smile

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BansheeCat
BRONZE Member since Jul 2005

veteran
Location: lost, Canada

Total posts: 1247
Posted:hug ubblove kiss peace ubbrollsmile grouphug

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

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OrangeBobo
SILVER Member since Nov 2003

OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada

Total posts: 1389
Posted: Written by: _Clare_


I'm having big problems dealing with anything, to be honest.
Still can't focus on anything, am still very low and finding it hard to get any peace... so really, I'm not being strong at all.




I completely sympathize with this... My Dad was diagnosed last month with cancer, which is a shock, and ultimately surreal as he's an oncology pharmacist and has been specializing for over 20 years. He started chemo and radiation on thursday, and the stress of that plus tons of school work and stress from trying not to fail classes in order to get into uni led me to have an absolute breakdown on Thursday.

I haven't had any proper focus since I found out, my school marks are dropping, and even my performance at rowing has faltered. And the whole situation has flared anger and abusive relationships within my family. I keep thinking that I need to be stronger and that things will turn out alright, and then I get hit by another blow.

If the world stops, I want off of it too!

hug to you Clare for helping someone realize that other people go through the same thing when a family member falls ill to this devistating disease.


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:hug2

Sorry to hear that frown

There's nothing I can say to make it easier... unfortunately.

But, perhaps, try to be easy on yourself when things get tough - allow yourself the crazy times and remember that you will come through it, changed perhaps, but life and existence is all about change hug

(Yeush, great advice, wish I could follow it myself!! rolleyes)

What type of cancer does your dad have? And did they catch it early?

best wishes to you and your family

grouphug


Getting to the other side smile

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OrangeBobo
SILVER Member since Nov 2003

OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada

Total posts: 1389
Posted:He has rectal (ewwie!). Thankfully it is very curable... I've no idea what stage it's at, but they could easily see the tumour and told us it was before the biopsy results came back. It's also a relatively slow growing tumour, so it's probably been growing for years already. He'll make it through, of that I've no dobut.

I've honestly got more stress from being the middle person between my dad and my brother who are living together but barely talking, and I hear their frustrations. There's many things going on, too many. But dad's cancer is definately top of the list.

I don't expect anything to be made easier. I hope it comes with time, but I know there will be an end to this, and most likely it's going to be a good one smile Just gotta stay positive.


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

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georgemc
BRONZE Member since Oct 2006

georgemc

Sitting down facing forward . . .
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand

Total posts: 2387
Posted:Statistically there was bound to be more than a few HoPpers affected by Cancer - it just sucks when the statistics fall your way frown

hugs to both of you.
 Written by:

(Yeush, great advice, wish I could follow it myself!! )

Touch your nose Clare - touch your nose!


Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin

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Skulduggery
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

Skulduggery

Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
Location: Wales

Total posts: 8428
Posted:frown

hug

Bobo, I'm sorry to hear your dad isn't well. I hope his recovery is as swift and pain free as possible.

Clare, hang on in there lady. Life has a habit of throwing a whole heap of bad things at us all at once. Dodge the bits you can and let us help catch the ones you can't dodge. That's what friends are for. If you need to let off steam at any of us, you do it. I'm sure that we will repay the complement at some time. Everyone needs support some time in their life. If you feel you need a break and you feel able to come away, you always have a bed at our house... and a listening ear if you need us. hug


Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

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mech
BRONZE Member since Jun 2003

mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear", United Kingdom

Total posts: 6207
Posted:hug for clare

never be ashamed of who you are, or what you feel, its a shame that its only at times of hardship, do we find out who cares about us deeply, and who are fair weather friends

hug for bobo, you made me smile, and now i hope that the joy is returned to you from other when ou need it smile


Step (el-nombrie)

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OrangeBobo
SILVER Member since Nov 2003

OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada

Total posts: 1389
Posted:Thanks guys, really! I always forget how many people I know here rolleyeshug

I haven't read much of this thread, only the last page or two... surely more people have posted about being affected by close friends and family members who have cancer. It's a statistic that one in three people will be affected by it. My dad has it, my grandmother has it, two people my dad works with have it, three class mates' parents have it... These are not isolated incidences either. Cancer is reaching epidemic proportions. It is essentially the major killer (healthwise) in the western world.

So here's my prevention speel... soapbox

Stop smoking, stay active, stay happy, eat lots of fresh foods, get screened; pap smears, check your breasts for lumps; boys, get your prostates looked at and get your colon screened. If you think there's a problem, get it looked at - don't leave it to later. Early detection CAN and WILL save lives. But mainly... stop smoking. SERIOUSLY.

Getting cancer is like winning the worst lottery possible. If you have cancer, you didn't win once, but several times. Not only is it a mass of cells that have gone under mutation - which is rare enough on its own - cancer is caused by cells that have mutated, 3, 4, even 5 times before it becomes malignant. I'm not an expert on the topic, nor do I claim to be, but there needs to be something in cancer's evolution to explain to us how our bodies can turn against us in the worst ways.

*gets off soapbox*

Thanks again to all the support hughug And Skully, I suspect Wales might be quite a journey for me to take a break ubblol though it would undoubtedly be lovely! ubblove


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

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babajaga
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

babajaga

old hand
Location: Berlin, Germany

Total posts: 863
Posted:Hugs

I know exactly how you feel, if you remember.
I send you all good thoughts and strengh.


What is psychology?- Looking for a black cat in a dark room. What is psychoanalysis? Psychoanalysis is looking for a black cat in a dark room -- in which there is no cat -- but finding one anyway.

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:thanks Orange...

And I hope you're doing ok Babajaga... hug

Quick update...

Mum has discovered that eating meat is making her sick... so she's now a vegetarian.
I'm trying to think of very simple, but good, veggie recipes that don't require much cooking and are quite small portions...?

She's getting smaller and paler every day... and spends much more time sleeping and resting now.

And so... I'm going to go to the funeral home with them in half an hour. I guess it's time to make arrangements.

hug


Getting to the other side smile

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:MASSIVE hugs

Hot Damn.

i can only begin to imagine how difficult this must be.

I just wish there was something better i could do than just offering sympathy, hugs, clichs, and someone to talk to if needed.

I admire your strength, Clare. A lot.

As Step says (two nice posts in one thread, maybe he's ill... wink ) don't be ashamed of how you feel, or displays of emotion. they are, after all, what makes us human. enjoy the fact that you care so much about her, to feel so bad.


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

Delete

UCOF
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: , United Kingdom

Total posts: 15414
Posted: Written by: Claire

I'm trying to think of very simple, but good, veggie recipes that don't require much cooking and are quite small portions...?



Carrot sticks? biggrin
Celery on toast?


hug2 for you Claire. Try to keep smiling, we are all thinking of you smile


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pineapple pete
SILVER Member since Sep 2004

pineapple pete

water based
Location: melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 5125
Posted:ive only just found this thread.. and dont know what to say.. however, you are an amazingly strong person

hug


"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"

*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Yeush...

Damn, now that was unpleasant frown

We were all sitting there in a little room trying to make light of the fact that we were arranging mum's funeral.

Fortunately, she had it all planned out in advance, and so knew what she wanted. But nonetheless, it's a difficult one to get your head around.

There was no major emotional upset. I think dad and I welled up a bit, but we did pretty good considering.

I've asked to be given a little bit of her ashes (because the urn that comes from the crematorium is sealed) before she is buried.

I'm going to save them until dad goes, then get a little bit of him, mix them together and scatter them both under the tree that Mum is going to be buried under.

I might take a tiny bit of both to put in a locket or something... bring them travelling. Or maybe not. That might be just weird.

Mum's not entirely sure it's a good idea (although she likes the mixing part). It's not good to hold on to something... but I know I'm not going to want to let go immediately.

And really, how can you even be sure it's the right ashes? It's more just a concept... the symbolism of what that ash represents, that I'll be holding on to.

Hmm.

frown


Getting to the other side smile

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:PS: George... thank you so much. It was a lovely surprise

hug


Getting to the other side smile

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mech
BRONZE Member since Jun 2003

mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear", United Kingdom

Total posts: 6207
Posted:whats a beautiful thought honey, well done, that sounds like a lush way of knowing that they will always be together

as for the locket, maybe take a small part of them to a favourite spot when you go travelling and give them you own good bye, and let go of the ashes and the pain there.

your own special send off, i know i have done it before, and it made me fell much better, knowing i shared something wit them made it much more special.

however you will have to let go at some point, they would not want to go on in you life holding their memory in a way that caused you pain or sorrow.

your parents live on through you, thats why we have children, to carry on our genes, and our chi to the next generation.

as always

hug

latedays step


Step (el-nombrie)

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Neon_Shaolin
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam

Total posts: 6120
Posted:Clare, the mixing idea is really beautiful idea. I've never thought about that before.



As far as wanting to to keep a piece of her, it's not crazy (a severed limb might be pushing it a bit) Every culture has their own way of remembering the dead. In Chinese culture we tend to have a shrine in the house with a photograph, candles/eternal flames/cheap-ass electric candles, charms and offerings of food. Whenever we go to Hong Kong we always make something a pilgrimage to the cemetorium to visit my paternal Grandad's remains which is sealed in a hole in the wall with his photo and inscriptions on the marble. When we do, we bring specially made paper-effegies of stuff like clothes, afterlife currency, credit cards, mobile phones(!) even a house that we burn in the belief that it will reach them on the other side.



So your idea is definitely not crazy. Letting go just means accepting her passing and moving on with your life. Just like she has had to do before.



hug


"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:Hmm. True.

I think if my mum had said to me 'oh, that jar contains bits of your granny and granda', I'd have been slightly freaked out.

I will find a spot... but i think it's ok for a little while.

Goddam. This is supposed to be the first of may. Beltaine... The time for release from the darkness and looking forward to a bright summer of growth and life.

Le sigh... I just can't get into that head space.

hug


Getting to the other side smile

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