Forums > Social Discussion > My mum and cancer

Hello everyone...

Oks, well, I've had some bad news and thought I would post on here for advice on alternative therapies.

I've had a look through the existing threads (nice search system Malcolm!!) but didn't find what I was looking for, so I hope this is ok.


So then...

Just over a month ago my mother turned yellow.
It was two days before my parents were due to go on holiday, and instead she ended up in hospital.

They discovered it was a blockage near her bile duct, and after sticking a camera down her throat, found out she had a tumour on her pancreas.

She was eventually sent home for a few weeks to recuperate, then brought back in for an operation last Friday.

We discovered then that the tumour on her pancreas is too big - 6 cms - to operate on, and parts of it have spread to nearby glands.

The prognosis isn't good. They've told her between 6 months and a year, but any reseach I've done shows people with pancreatic cancer lasting between 4 - 6 months.

Our family is coping well, considering, so far.

(Personally, I feel like I'm constantly going to cry.
I try not to think about her leaving us as much as possible. My mother is the strongest person in the world... She is kind and lovely and despite having pissed me off often, has done a splendid job and has had a splendid life (she's travelled all over the place - took a boat to Australia from Ireland 40 years ago to work as a nanny on a cattle ranch!! She came home, by boat, via NZ, Fiji and the Panama Canal - in a time when tourism wasn't Lonely Planet travel-by-numbers).

At the minute, I'm coping. I'm finding myself running about my parent's house 'doing stuff' for them while also trying to keep a performance business afloat. That's been a barrel of laughs in itself... anyone setting up a business in the arts - prepare yourself now for the bitchiness, competition, jealousy and lack of support.

My deepest apologies to m'lovely friends on here if I haven't responded to your PMs or calls recently - thanks BamBam and Fluff x).

Jesus... that was a bitter and twisted rant... humblest apologies for that...

Anyways... I have posted this for a reason

The doctors are still deciding whether mum should have chemo.
None of us are very happy with that idea... don't want her last few months to be spent throwing up.

She's got a very strong Christian faith, which keeps her bouncing through each day (lol, and she keeps emotionally blackmailing me to convert!!! Lol... I've told her it won't happen, but thanks anyway )

But I want info on alternative therapies... things that might reduce it, or just prolong her life for a bit. Does anyone here have any advice on where I could look?

I know not to accept intershnet advice as gospel, but it's good to get a guideline - or a point in the right direction.

Electro-magnetic therapy? Acupuncture? Organic foods and no tap water?!!

Does anyone here have any helpful hints?

Thanks so much for your time... and go home tonight and give your parents a hug... they could be gone much sooner than you think.

Love and hugs to you alll
Clare xx

Getting to the other side

Getting to the other side

just saying

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

Hey Clare,

I'm very touched and uplifted that you seem to be coping quite well and feel comfortable relating your musings to help others who well (sadly) inevitably be in your situaton in the future...

Lke others, I wish I could help more but that'd be doing you a disservice.

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

 Written by: Neon_Shaolin



feel comfortable relating your musings to help others





Not always, no



This thread was something that was really helpful for me to get things clear in my head... but I'm not always comfortable about the thought that others are reading it () - it just ran away with itself a bit.



But I feel even less comfortable about it when some take my thoughts personally, and I have to deal with their fall-out too.



 Written by: Neon_Shaolin



wish I could help more but that'd be doing you a disservice.







Don't understand? More explainy please

Getting to the other side

Damned people Mz Clare.

Hugs missie

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

Yep... methinks I'm thinking about it too much

xx

Getting to the other side

Yep, thinking about it too much...

Probably the wink threw you into thinking there was a double meaning... (Like that ever happens! )

Just mean that I shouldn't wish that I could do more to comfort you and help you cope as you appear to be doing better than expected...

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

Hahahha...

Online paranoia... it should be a recognised mental illness

Or

Or whatever

Doing ok most of the time... so that's alright

Hopefully see you in Bristol?

x

Getting to the other side

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

Getting to the other side

Hello again everyone...



Hope you had a fun, warm Christmas, with lots of food and friends... and best wishes and blessings for the solstice, and new year...







I thought it might be a good idea to post again here, a wee update to explain how things have been over the last four months - since I haven't been around much.



It might be a bit long





It's been a strange and surreal time for my dad and I... we're doing ok (and probably pretty well, considering)... but we just take each day, and each emotion, as it comes.



Dad first...



My Dad, understandably, has had a very rough time. He was with my mother for 30 years, and she did all the thinking and organising in the relationship.



He's lost about two/three stone in weight, and has lost much of the energy and spark that defined his character as my dad.



He's getting through each day as best he can... he doesn't cry in front of me, but appears lost and generally tired of life and having to go through the day-to-day routine of living.



It is a terrible thing to lose one parent, but to lose another to depression is quite horrific. I've watched him wither away, with a (albeit pointless) sense of frustration and guilt at not being able to do anything about it.



(Or, as Oscar Wilde put it (much better), it feels a bit like: To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune... to lose both seems like carelessness )



During the first month he was in shock... but he got through it.



The second month was bad... every day was a struggle and when I asked him how he was (I've either seen him or spoken to him every day since), he replied 'oh, you know, pretty bad'. The third was similar.



The fourth month was the worst... reality started to hit and he became quite cross and upset and frustrated. Also, he was being sick every time he ate, and could barely get through the mornings...



This month (December, the fifth) he seems to be getting through... he's no happier, but not as sad as in November - at least, I'm not so concerned.





It's also been really interesting to see his history of medication over this time.



Initially, the doctor prescribed anti-depressants. He took them for three weeks, started to feel worse, so stopped taking them (I was at the Bristol Juggling Convention). He said he experienced such a brutal comedown he called the doctor to the house.



Then he tried something for the nausea... again it had a bad reaction, and he ended up unable to eat at all.



Finally (after a four week waiting list), he managed to see a counsellor, but this was at the end of the second month, when he wasn't too bad, and the counsellor decided counselling wasn't needed (!).



He stayed pill-free until the end of the third month, when things started to get worse (I was very busy with work and wasn't able to visit so often, so he felt the loneliness more).



Next, was beta blockers (for the anxiety and nausea). Again, it didn't work, and left him feeling worse.



Finally, as a last resort, the doctor prescribed diazepan, with the instruction to 'only take it when needed'... he took five over a period of seven days, and it left him feeling rotten.



After this, when dad was feeling at his worst, he decided to try something I'd suggested a month and a half earlier, and started taking St Johns Wort (two weeks ago now).



They appear to have worked... It's a strong dosage (300mg 3 times a day), but he's not so nauseuous, and appears to be able to get through the mornings (which are, very much, the worst times).



It's great to see this herbal remedy doing so much more good than any of the chemicals he tried.





He spends his time pottering around the house, doing odd jobs, going for walks, and forcing himself to eat a small breakfast, lunch and dinner (but at least he's eating!). He's also got a Setanta digibox - so watches lots of football matches.



He also keeps the small area around Mum's Hawthorn tree (in the cemetary), beautifully, replanting primroses regularly and keeping the area looking great.



I've suggested we find him a hobby, or something to do, but he can't think of anything he's interested in (he doesn't like being around 'people' - ) and anyway, he doesn't want to leave the house.



It all sounds a bit grim... but I am proud of him for keeping on fighting... We know it's going to be one day at a time...





My brother...



I have hardly had any contact with my brother since it all happened. He lives in Glasgow, and things were exactly the same before Mum got ill. However, we annoy each other less when we're together - which is good.



Also, after realising at the funeral how much Mum travelled in her life, my brother is leaving his well-paid job and apartment in Glasgow to travel around the world for a year. He leaves in April.



Me...



Ho hum.

I think I'm doing quite well.

I started work again a month and a half after Mum died, and it very quickly became manic... I haven't stopped since (apart from yesterday!).



I appear to be constantly running to do things and keep busy... organising stuff, doing things, and looking after dad.



I haven't been too sad... just every now and again I cry... but I let it come, and then it passes. The thought that I won't see her again makes me sad... but then I realise that I can't change it, so the sadness shouldn't overwhelm me.



Looking after dad has been very draining... not from actually doing anything - but just being there and seeing him so upset. I 'did' Christmas for him this year (cards, decorations, presents), and that was very hard.



We got three cards marked to 'Mr and Mrs'... so I'll need to write letters to let them know.



Something that brings me great comfort is that on about 6/7 occassions since she died, Mum has visited me, or connected with me in some way.



A couple of times it happened when I was smoking, alone, and I used the time to focus on her... It felt as though I visited her. She was young and beautiful, in heaven, and very happy. We spoke briefly before I came back.



In other times I have felt her presence in the wind. And yesterday, on Christmas Day when the three of us visited her grave, I felt her giving me a hug and telling me she missed us all.



Possibly this is my imagination, possibly I'm open to energies... either way, it brings comfort to know that she hasn't left me.



Also, at the beginning of October, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man called Will. (Yep, after 7 years of silly flirtations and careless emotions, I have a 'real' boyfriend!)



He is amazing... Incredibly kind, very good to me, and treats me with respect and deep love. (He's also the best guitar player I've ever heard - I might bring him to the next Bristol )



He has carried me through my sadness, supported me when I needed it and does everything possible to help out practically - with the house, and fire business (likewise, I'm helping him out to promote his band - they're now doing a session for the BBC!)



I just wish he could have met Mum.



So that's it... a heartbreaking journey, and I often wonder if it's real - and question 'do I really not have a mother anymore?'. It doesn't seem right.



I have changed hugely as a person... I'm calmer, and much happier than I have been over the past couple of years. I also don't have the time or patience for people who just want to take, anymore.



I know this has happened because of what I have felt and experienced this year...





I want to say thank you again to all those people who helped me, and sent love and words of comfort to me, during that time. I was alone, and you brought me through it... thank you for that.



Particularly at this time of year, I want you to know that your actions and warmth stopped me from falling apart...



With love, and blessings, for the year ahead... and for your own journey...



Clare x

Getting to the other side

But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

Don't hate me because I am different, hate me because I still think I am better then you!

see you tomorrow, when i will give you a hug for real, (and mess up your house)

Holistic Spinner (I hope)

Thanks for the update lovely lady and for a new boyfriend!

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.

Take care m'lovelies

(and you, mister cat )

x

Getting to the other side

Hey Clare.

Sorry about what you're going through now.

A friend of mine lost her mother. She understandably fell to pieces but started to cope much better. But like you also had to deal with a father who had completely lost his motivation for life and started to neglect those around him (not to mention personal hygiene) whilst drowning in grief. She too felt increasingly worse for having to worry about someone else and the helplessness from that.

Eventually he too started to cope much better. He started to remember that he was a whole person, not just one half of a couple. He revisted his old passions for motors and as a result got back in touch with old friends. He has personal projects to keep him busy such as house renovation and his grandchildren.

I can't say for certain how your father will start to cope, or if he will for a long while. You just have to find the balance of giving him his grieving space and making an active effort to remind him what he has to live for - two lovely independent children and the idea that if he were in her position that would he prefer that she not spend her remaining days a grieving widow.

Hope you're okay dear

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

Thanks Jean, hope to see you again soon lovely!



And thanks also Dave... hope you're doing well mister
x

Getting to the other side

Clare, sorry to hear about your dad.
Have you told him you felt your mum's presence? Maybe it would comfort him?
I wonder if your mum had anything to do with you meeting and falling in love with Will.
I always like the thought that my nan is helping me out, and I sense her sometimes too. My mum had a dream of my nan as she was in her 30s, all beautiful with long dark hair.
I'm glad your mum's not suffering anymore xxx

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Hey there lovely Jo...

As always, I've been meaning to write to you for ages... you're in my thoughts anyways Hope you're doing ok

I told my dad I talk to mum occassionally... he seemed (in order)... a bit freaked out, a bit comforted, a bit jealous. But I think he believes me, and ultimately takes comfort from knowing she is ok.

I'd love for him to get to the stage where he can talk to her himself, but he has alot of things to resolve first.

Mum may have had something to do with Will... but it could also have been the terrible time I went through before her death...

That pain (possibly) means I'm not so interested in taking chances and messing around with my emotions anymore, I'm so happy to be stable and to know that something is real, for certain.

I'm on a different path, and am quite happy about it

Will often visits mum's grave with me, and I know he has asked her blessing too (he has very similar beliefs to me on energy stuff and suchlike )

Anyways... hugs to you lady for the New Year... hope to see you somewhere x

Getting to the other side

Will sounds like a good chap! Bring him to the BJC (you better be there young lady!) or Play! xxx

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi

?

Something happen here?

It was a year ago on Friday... and thanks to those who sent messages

Tis still sad for us... and the tears come unexpectedly.

My brother has gone travelling for a year, and my dad is still quite down... but we're doing ok

Thanks again for all the support last year... you'se were lifesavers

xx

Getting to the other side

Because ActiveAngel sounds like a feminine deodorant

Like sex, I'm much more interesting in real life than online.

'Be the change you want to see in the world around you' - Ghandi

Nah, someone thought they should use this thread to sell their remedies, but the angel and myself and the mods scared them off!! :hugs:

Glad to hear you're doing alright

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half