Page: ......
_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Hello everyone...

Oks, well, I've had some bad news and thought I would post on here for advice on alternative therapies.

I've had a look through the existing threads (nice search system Malcolm!!) but didn't find what I was looking for, so I hope this is ok.


So then...

Just over a month ago my mother turned yellow.
It was two days before my parents were due to go on holiday, and instead she ended up in hospital.

They discovered it was a blockage near her bile duct, and after sticking a camera down her throat, found out she had a tumour on her pancreas.

She was eventually sent home for a few weeks to recuperate, then brought back in for an operation last Friday.

We discovered then that the tumour on her pancreas is too big - 6 cms - to operate on, and parts of it have spread to nearby glands.

The prognosis isn't good. They've told her between 6 months and a year, but any reseach I've done shows people with pancreatic cancer lasting between 4 - 6 months.

Our family is coping well, considering, so far.

(Personally, I feel like I'm constantly going to cry.
I try not to think about her leaving us as much as possible. My mother is the strongest person in the world... She is kind and lovely and despite having pissed me off often, has done a splendid job and has had a splendid life (she's travelled all over the place - took a boat to Australia from Ireland 40 years ago to work as a nanny on a cattle ranch!! She came home, by boat, via NZ, Fiji and the Panama Canal - in a time when tourism wasn't Lonely Planet travel-by-numbers).

At the minute, I'm coping. I'm finding myself running about my parent's house 'doing stuff' for them while also trying to keep a performance business afloat. That's been a barrel of laughs in itself... anyone setting up a business in the arts - prepare yourself now for the bitchiness, competition, jealousy and lack of support.

My deepest apologies to m'lovely friends on here if I haven't responded to your PMs or calls recently - thanks BamBam and Fluff x).

Jesus... that was a bitter and twisted rant... humblest apologies for that... redface

Anyways... I have posted this for a reason rolleyes smile

The doctors are still deciding whether mum should have chemo.
None of us are very happy with that idea... don't want her last few months to be spent throwing up.

She's got a very strong Christian faith, which keeps her bouncing through each day (lol, and she keeps emotionally blackmailing me to convert!!! Lol... I've told her it won't happen, but thanks anyway smile )

But I want info on alternative therapies... things that might reduce it, or just prolong her life for a bit. Does anyone here have any advice on where I could look?

I know not to accept intershnet advice as gospel, but it's good to get a guideline - or a point in the right direction.

Electro-magnetic therapy? Acupuncture? Organic foods and no tap water?!!

Does anyone here have any helpful hints?

Thanks so much for your time... and go home tonight and give your parents a hug... they could be gone much sooner than you think.

Love and hugs to you alll
Clare xx

Getting to the other side smile


The Tea FairySILVER Member
old hand
853 posts
Location: Behind you...


Posted:
hug ditto to the above. I'm so sorry. Time will heal, and things will become calm again in due course. My thoughts are with you Clare.

Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan


mcpPLATINUM Member
Flying Water Muppet
5,276 posts
Location: Edin-borrow., United Kingdom


Posted:
....

I'm deeply sorry I can't be there for you.

I'm sure you're mother is resting peacefully, knowing she has a fine strong daughter. You showed your strength through to the end.


hugs hugs hugs.

"the now legendary" - Kaskade
"the still legendary" - Kaskade

I spunked in my friend's aquarium and the fish ate it. I love all fish. Especially the pink ones. They are my bitches. - Anon.


DomBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,009 posts
Location: Bristol, UK


Posted:
I don't know what to say but needed to say something to let you know I'm one of those many, wonderful people with you whenever, wherever you need us.

Amongst all this advice I'll add mine: remember the smiles smile

hug

_Stix_Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land


Posted:
My thoughts are with you at this sad time Clare.. Take solice from the words written by people on here that obviously care for you and your family very much..



May your mother continue to shine on forever in you..

xx

/edit for spelling.
EDITED_BY: _Stix_ (1183637593)

I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..


Antti_EverythingGOLD Member
addict
446 posts
Location: Järvenpää, Finland


Posted:
Stay strong. Our thoughts are with you.

Antti

Point your toes.


GlåssDIAMOND Member
The Ministry of Manipulation
2,523 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom


Posted:
Call me when you want. hug Drew
EDITED_BY: Glåss (1183640737)

BansheeCatBRONZE Member
veteran
1,247 posts
Location: lost, Canada


Posted:
god, this week has been awful... so much loss and grief to bear.

I am glad she is off to a place where she is not suffering, and all the beautiful work you did and shared around her illness and death is such a gorgeous gift.

You can rest soon sweetheart, and things will slowly fall into place.

Huge hugs to you and your family, and if there is anything at all I can do from afar, just let me know

LOve,
Andrea

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


Nephtysresident fridge magnet
835 posts
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands


Posted:
Tom & I are thinking of you, sweetness
all our love & hugs hug hug hug

everyone's unique except me


faith enfireBRONZE Member
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA


Posted:
hugI hate this cause it always sounds trite. I hope you know that any and all are here for you. Find your space. Come visit us when your ready. hug

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed


DeepSoulSheepGOLD Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
2,617 posts
Location: Berlin, Ireland


Posted:
I'm sorry to hear about this Clare this news Clare frown

ubblove and hug

I live in a world of infinite possibilities.


burningoftheclaveySILVER Member
lurking like a ninja with no camouflage..
926 posts
Location: over yonder, New Zealand


Posted:
hug frown my thoughts are with you and your family, its so so hard but you know shes not in pain anymore.. celebrate the life she had, and know shes still there in you and with you. lots of hugs and ubblove to you hun

on spam robots - "Burn the robot! Melt him down, and then we can make lots and lots of money from his shiiiny juices!"

Owned by Brenn smile


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Wow... you leave a thread for a few days and come back to 40-odd posts (meh... I still have a bad sense of humour!)



Strugz and Helen... thanks for letting people know... it was good to have one less thing to do smile

(Strugz... tis always better late than never, you know)



Yes... Mum passed away, very peacefully, yesterday afternoon at 1.45pm.



It was a very beautiful passing... (highlighted moreso by the terrible news about Magie)...



I'm going to say thanks to you guys first (because I want to write to you all, but, understandably, am in a rush to get back home to Dad)... then post a very long post about it, and my thoughts.





First of all... thank you so much to this wonderful community, and lovely souls for the love, warmth and support you have shown to me and my family over the last 14 months.



I have no doubt whatsoever that all the good energy sent our way (from yourselves, and from the church and her friends) played a huge part in making sure she passed peacefully.... it was what she deserved.



Everyone who supported me has my eternal gratitude, respect and thanks... and I hope to be there for you guys when you need it in the future.



There are some people I want to thank for keeping me sane (in no particular order!!):



Lisa (bams)... Lady... we weren't close before, but I suspect we are now wink You have been amazing... sharing your soul, and helping me through the worst times with great words, advice and comfort... thank you so much and I'll be seeing you soon hug



Drew... you called me throughout, just randomly checking how I was and keeping normality ticking over... thank you for that balance. Love ya hug



Strugz... Lol. You tried, and I appreciate it. I know it can be hard for you to find the words, but you did try and thank you for that. Love ya mister... Much more though, thank you for taking the massive amount of abuse and negativity you ended up with when things were really low. Sorry it happened at all, but smile nice one... Go toast indeed.



Helen... thank you for sharing your stories, thoughts and advice with me... It's so great to know you and I hope to see you soon... am sending love and warmth...



Mech... Midnight phonecalls, eh? The tears, the trauma, the smut smile Thanks for helping me through and for always being there x



Durbs... Actually, nah, you were just poo ( tongue hug) Love you though...



George and Dom... Thanks so much for making me smile, forcing me out of dark places, the flowers, the letter, the PMs, the support... George, it's been great to meet you (kindof)... and I hope I see you both in person soon.



Rob and Ros... Thank you for the support, the phonecalls and the love you have both shown me. You are gorgeous souls... and it's great to know you... take care x



Skully and Jon... Rarrr. Smut. Rarrr... Forever xx smile



Gnor and Tea Fairy... I had been dreading writing this post too!! But thanks so much for your lovely words over the last while...x



Spanner... One day we will get to sit down together and have a good conversation... and I'm looking forward to it... until then, thank you and much love xx



And to Jo, Andrea, Antti, Meg, DeepSoulSheep, neondave, Stout, 2bags, Birgit, FireTom, Bov, Yakumo, Miss Corinthian, Rave Represent, Martinfish, Stix, Neph, fif, fni, burningoftheclavey… and everyone who has sent me love, advice, good wishes and comfort



grouphug



PS: I know I have forgotten people (sorry, please don't be offended - I'm in a rush)... and there are many people I haven't mentioned... Like Lisa (faberge), Ronan, and many others who have been there too... but I'll be seeing you guys soon...



x
EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1183658471)

Getting to the other side smile


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
*breathe*



Ok...



So, I think I'll just let you all know what happened, as it did.



It's only the day after, and my mind isn't really present, so I can't tell you how I'm feeling - a bit lost and unsure of myself right now (also with many things to do)... but the healing will be an ongoing process, so I can write about that later.





After my last post, I went home that night to stay at my parents.



The next morning Dad woke me to say mum was being moved to the hospice at lunchtime, and could I go in the ambulance.



I got to the hospital at 11am, and Dad and my brother were going to follow us to the hospice later.



At 3.30pm Mum and I were still there, waiting for an ambulance. Mum was asleep lots... and was in a clear mind when not asleep. I just nursed her a bit, moved her legs when they were sore, gave her water... tried to make her comfortable.



During the day I got all her bags packed, and we were waiting to go (away from the disruptive ward and into a place where people were specialised in dealing with the effects of cancer). I also pestered the excellent nurses for ambulance times.



She was happy... and right until the end, never needed pain killers.



At about 4.30pm, a young junior doctor, who we never dealt with before, told us the ambulance service were too busy and couldn't make it. Also, the hospice stopped receiving admissions at 5pm. Then he told us mum had developed a blood condition (something to do with potassium) that meant her heart could flutter and stop at any time.



I got quite cross... well, if they weren't going to bring her to a hospice, at least they could find a side room for her!



Quite quickly after I was cross they found a side room in the same ward and we moved her in there.



Mum was very disappointed at not going to the hospice... and I do think it knocked her badly. However, we called her relatives and friends and she had about 6 visitors that night...



Dad, Colin and I stayed in the hospital all night on Tuesday. The nurses had gotten to know us all, and were very good... bringing chairs, blankets and pillows... tea and biscuits.



Mum slept lots, asked for her legs to be moved or was in a clear mind for most of the night. But she started to come out of her sleep muttering strange things... asking for people who weren't there, stories from her past... talking about embalming bodies!



It was clear her mind was a bit frantic, and she was thinking over her life... she was so beautiful, yet calm and dignified and I loved her so much.



The cutest thing she said was at 1am... she woke up and just said 'So am I going to stay at the otter's cottage?' I hope she had lovely dreams.



At 8am my dad (who's 60)... got too tired and went home with Colin for a few hours sleep. He was exhausted. The ambulance was promised again in the morning, to take her to the hospice, and they were going to meet me there.



When the ambulance didn't arrive, the nurses started making angry phonecalls (they had gotten close to her, because she was so warm to everyone, and in the end, they cried over her death too).



In the meantime, I nursed mum... did everything I could to make her comfortable... and was just there (I had always feared having to do it on my own... and in the end, I was on my own, but it was ok).



I don't need to say what happened in those hours... but mum knew I was there, and as I watched her get worse, I knew she would never leave me.



Her breathing became more gasp-y, and her body became more uncomfortable... But she never needed pain relief and was as dignified as possible, throughout.



At 11am we finally organised a private ambulance to take her to the hospital at 1.30pm... Mum was waiting for it again, hanging in there.



At 11.45 she had a panic attack... her breathing was shallow and she started getting agitated. The wonderful ward sister calmed her down and helped her breath again.



She didn't like the oxygen mask on her face (made her feel clustrophobic), but she needed it to breath. She asked for Dad.



I called Dad and Colin, and told them to come in as soon as possible...



Mum's sister arrived to visit around 12, and shortly after, Dad and Colin arrived (I think at 12.30 or 1pm). We could see by then the end was close. The colour was draining from her and she was so weak.



Dad and Colin said their goodbyes. Both of them were very upset... but everyone did well.



The ambulance arrived to take her to the hospice at 1.30.

By that stage, I was dealing with most things... so I went outside and said 'you're a day too bloody late', then went back in.



I asked for a palliative care nurse to help us at the end, but none where available. I had to ask the ward sister about what to say at the last moments... but she didn't know either... it ended up coming back to advice given to me by my friend Johnny.



As we watched her get weaker, I told her we all loved her... the last thing she said was that she loved us very much. I said we'd miss her, but that she was free to go and to have a safe journey.



Then, as we watched, her breathing became slower and slower, until she didn't breath anymore frown



The window was open, so I held my family's hands in a circle, reminded her soul that we loved her, missed her, but that she should leave now and have a quick and safe journey.



Her energy stayed in the room for about two hours afterwards... and then she was gone.



I cry as I write this because I miss her so much already.

I can see her body lying in that bed... while she was there... and then after she was gone. It wasn't her anymore. Just a shell.



I had a couple of brief moments of wanting to start CPR, to bring her back for a little while... but of course, didn't.



My mother was a very strong and wonderful person who travelled the world in her early 20s (over 40 years ago), raised two children and was the perfect wife and mother.



She died on Independence day, and I think that was appropriate.



I don't have enough words to express how I feel about her right now... so maybe later (this post is long enough!).



Last night, we went home, ate food, had relatives look after us, and slept.

I phoned a couple of very close people, and didn't answer many phonecalls or texts.



Today, I heard about Magie, and went to the funeral home to finalise arrangements with dad and Colin. Now I'm going back to my parents to be with Dad.



My mum's funeral is on Tuesday (July 10th).



It's at 12noon in Hamilton Road Presbyterian Church, Bangor, with tea and buns afterwards.



She will be cremated at Roselawn Crematorium, Belfast at 3pm...



All are welcome, and invited.





There is so much more I can say, but this is enough for now... it's the basic details.



My dad is doing ok. My brother is doing ok too (he's been great, making all the phonecalls and dealing with visitors... I had no energy left to do that).



I can feel my mother with me at times... at times not. But I know that when this all settles down, she will be there for me.



With love



xx

Getting to the other side smile


GlåssDIAMOND Member
The Ministry of Manipulation
2,523 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom


Posted:
reading that and crying,
for the second time today.

_Stix_Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land


Posted:
me too.. thank you so much for sharing that.

you are amazing Clare..

I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..


animatEdBRONZE Member
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK


Posted:
hug

no words, just hug

Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.


GlåssDIAMOND Member
The Ministry of Manipulation
2,523 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom


Posted:
PS. Clare, I Like your new signature smile

UCOFSILVER Member
15,417 posts
Location: South Wales


Posted:
Aaaaaaw Clare, congratulations for writing one of the only posts on HOP that has ever made me cry smile

I think you are fantastic my dear. kiss
I think we all think you are fantastic. kiss

I hope you know you are fantastic. hug

(cos you are smile )

georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
ubbcrying
hug hug hug
So proud of you girl...

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
hug hug

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


BirgitBRONZE Member
had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
4,145 posts
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland (UK)


Posted:
Phew, I'm glad I wasn't the only one crying after reading this, I thought my tough image might get serious damage!!

So pleased to hear she wasn't in too much pain at the end hug

"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half


squarefishSILVER Member
(...trusty steed of the rodeo midget...)
403 posts
Location: the state of flux, Ireland


Posted:
Crying now , will see you tuesday.

martin

faith enfireBRONZE Member
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA


Posted:
hug before I head home...I'll be sure to include you and yours in my prayers tonight that you find some peace

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed


Rouge DragonBRONZE Member
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia


Posted:
I'm glad to here there are other HoPpers crying over this post or I'd feel kinda stupid redface

hug grouphug hug2
It is wonderful that you could be there for her and I am sure she appreciated it greatly

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...


jo_rhymesSILVER Member
Momma Bear
4,525 posts
Location: Telford, Shrops, United Kingdom


Posted:
Clare, Jonny's right, you are fantastic, and I'm so proud to call you a friend!

hug sending you all the love in the world hug

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
 Written by: UnderControlOrFailure


Aaaaaaw Clare, congratulations for writing one of the only posts on HOP that has ever made me cry smile


Now Jon, we ALL know that deep down you're a caring sensitive guy biggrin
But dammit, I caught myself the other day (or rather Clare did) - getting upset while we're supposed to be the ones being strong to help her...
Like the eloquent Mr UCOF said Clare - you are Fantastic with a capital "F" and we are all proud of the way you have been coping with all this and putting yourself out there through this thread. You are helping an awful lot of people and I don't know how we can thank you properly for that. (And you thought it was all about you??!)

Take care. I'm going searching for the otter house myself later - I think that's grand.
hug ubblove

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


YakumoSILVER Member
veteran
1,237 posts
Location: Oxfordshire, United Kingdom


Posted:
That really did bring tears to my eyes too, thank you so much for going to the effort of writing that for us, I don't think we've ever actually met yet even fleetingly, but I've enjoyed seeing you on HoP, and your so cared for by people I love very much it rubs off, I wish I could join you on Tuesday, my thoughts will be with you.

Blinded by Hyperlights, please donate generously grin


BansheeCatBRONZE Member
veteran
1,247 posts
Location: lost, Canada


Posted:
I hope we all end up playing together in the Otters house one day...

cant stop crying today Clare, but am strangely hapy for you too, you did so well, and gave us all so much.
love
a

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


AdeSILVER Member
Are we there yet?
1,897 posts
Location: australia


Posted:
Clare I have no words for you, except thank you for being an amazing human being

smile

pineapple peteSILVER Member
water based
5,125 posts
Location: melbourne, Australia


Posted:
im amazed by you clare.. your presence on HoP already has really shown me how strong you are hug

"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"

*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*


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