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_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Hello everyone...

Oks, well, I've had some bad news and thought I would post on here for advice on alternative therapies.

I've had a look through the existing threads (nice search system Malcolm!!) but didn't find what I was looking for, so I hope this is ok.


So then...

Just over a month ago my mother turned yellow.
It was two days before my parents were due to go on holiday, and instead she ended up in hospital.

They discovered it was a blockage near her bile duct, and after sticking a camera down her throat, found out she had a tumour on her pancreas.

She was eventually sent home for a few weeks to recuperate, then brought back in for an operation last Friday.

We discovered then that the tumour on her pancreas is too big - 6 cms - to operate on, and parts of it have spread to nearby glands.

The prognosis isn't good. They've told her between 6 months and a year, but any reseach I've done shows people with pancreatic cancer lasting between 4 - 6 months.

Our family is coping well, considering, so far.

(Personally, I feel like I'm constantly going to cry.
I try not to think about her leaving us as much as possible. My mother is the strongest person in the world... She is kind and lovely and despite having pissed me off often, has done a splendid job and has had a splendid life (she's travelled all over the place - took a boat to Australia from Ireland 40 years ago to work as a nanny on a cattle ranch!! She came home, by boat, via NZ, Fiji and the Panama Canal - in a time when tourism wasn't Lonely Planet travel-by-numbers).

At the minute, I'm coping. I'm finding myself running about my parent's house 'doing stuff' for them while also trying to keep a performance business afloat. That's been a barrel of laughs in itself... anyone setting up a business in the arts - prepare yourself now for the bitchiness, competition, jealousy and lack of support.

My deepest apologies to m'lovely friends on here if I haven't responded to your PMs or calls recently - thanks BamBam and Fluff x).

Jesus... that was a bitter and twisted rant... humblest apologies for that... redface

Anyways... I have posted this for a reason rolleyes smile

The doctors are still deciding whether mum should have chemo.
None of us are very happy with that idea... don't want her last few months to be spent throwing up.

She's got a very strong Christian faith, which keeps her bouncing through each day (lol, and she keeps emotionally blackmailing me to convert!!! Lol... I've told her it won't happen, but thanks anyway smile )

But I want info on alternative therapies... things that might reduce it, or just prolong her life for a bit. Does anyone here have any advice on where I could look?

I know not to accept intershnet advice as gospel, but it's good to get a guideline - or a point in the right direction.

Electro-magnetic therapy? Acupuncture? Organic foods and no tap water?!!

Does anyone here have any helpful hints?

Thanks so much for your time... and go home tonight and give your parents a hug... they could be gone much sooner than you think.

Love and hugs to you alll
Clare xx

Getting to the other side smile


georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
Clare, don't worry about it - she's busy checking out the Otters Cottage and catching up with old friends.
As Birgit says, she knows you are strong and you don't need her all the time. And she knows that she has to leave you alone for a bit so you can adjust to a life without her (physically). But you can bet your boots she will know when you need her most and she'll be there at those times. She can never totally leave you - she is part of you forever.

hug ubblove sunny hug

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


=Flashpoint=SILVER Member
Pasta of Muppets
2,722 posts
Location: in the interwebs..., United Kingdom


Posted:
I still feel my mum around sometimes. Especially when I'm cooking, as thats what she did best. Sometimes I dream that it was all a big mistake, and things will go back to the way they were before. I'm going to try to write a bit of fluff about how much I'm feeling for you now hun, and even though we've only spoken very briefly in the real world, I, and i'm sure all the ten thousand or so other HoPpers, wish you and yours all the love and strength in the world over the coming months and years.
Passing through the sun,
Each and every time I think
Of you and all you did for me,
I know you still are here for me,
in this world of hurt and pain.
And though you travel past my sight,
I know you walk beside me here
In daylight under trees of gold
And gentle summer rain.

Immortality is the memory of someones love. Keep it well

hug grouphug hug2 ubbangel sunny ubbangel hug2 grouphug hug

ohmygodlaserbeamspewpewpew!
ubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmile


BansheeCatBRONZE Member
veteran
1,247 posts
Location: lost, Canada


Posted:
Clare, dont know if the idea helps at all, but in a very real, simple sense she is absolutely and irrevokabley a part of you and with you-- you are her blood, her dna, her gift to the world, and she will always live on with you and through you.

In a spirit sense, sometimes we dont feel their prescense as strongly simply because they give us, or we give us, time and space to connect back with our day to day earthly needs, to heal and adjust. Still there, but allowing you room to grow in a new way...

Panik, I know that well. I used to swim, and write sometimes, do physical stuff until my body was forced to exhaustion and sleep. And ate a lot of chocolate mousse, too. smile

Love to you, and when I have more computer time I have a post to put up for , a blessing around the gifts of absence and connection. By that author I am always going on about, John O donahue, I would get you a copy of Eternal Echoes if I was anywhere where such things were possible... From here I just hug hug hug your spirit...
( and theirs)

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


BirdGOLD Member
now available in "advanced"
6,086 posts
Location: Cornwall, United Kingdom


Posted:
hug

I don't think there's anything I can say that someone else hasn't already said.

hug

My thoughts are with you and your family, I know how hard a time you must all be having. Feel free to PM if you want a(nother)shoulder to cry on.

hug

My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


Mags The JediGOLD Member
Fool
2,020 posts
Location: Cornwall, UK


Posted:
Hey darlin', it was really good to talk to you yesterday. You know where I am if you need me. hug

Big love.

m
x

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Thank you so much for your thoughts and wishes... and in time I will respond to them all...

But since this is a thread for all shades of this journey... today is the bad side.

My insides are screaming and shaking and falling apart... please can someone help me to stop this... please? ubbcrying

This week:

* My mother died
* My friend was killed

(on a lesser note)
* I saw my mum in the funeral home, and seriously wish I hadn't
* Someone took 1,100 out of my bank account in Chang Mai... so I have no money to buy clothes for the funeral
* I have been badly, badly let down by two people I thought were close friends... and because of this will not now be going to Play (it is impossible, I am afraid).
* I received a very unpleasant, and completely unwarranted, email from a client (who has now apologised, but the damage is done).

Where exactly do I start to deal with all this?

I am screaming.

For two days I have been shell-shocked, but today it's all too much.

I am so angry. I want to break things. I want to be sick.

This is 7/7/7... supposedly a day for change... how is this going to change me? Please don't tell me it will make me stronger because right now i don't even want to be here tomorrow (of course, I will).

F*ck this. F*ck this. F*ck this.






(whatever blessings and good wishes still left in me are sent to Molly and Matt for their wedding today... (I'm sorry if that doesn't hold as much good energy as it should))

Getting to the other side smile


joshgomeramember
155 posts
Location: here


Posted:
hey clare..

i-m so sorry to read all this..
i didn-t knew there-s a thread about it..i just found it cause of all this maddi tragic last days..

oh my god there-s soo much more sadness and deep feelings this days...
i can feel soo deep with you and your family and all moments what it means and how it is influencing you all daily life..


maybe you remember when we shortly spoke about in paris 2006..
you talled me about your mom-s cancer..i told you about my story with my dad of 4 years cancer, dying 2004.

just now, there-s just deep silence and feeling this peace of wonder life.....

now i see again your eyes and person this year in paris..we didn-t speak much..but i see you in me ..and your asking .."how are you"..i just felt how you where ,but i forgot about what happens in your life i forgot it..unbelievable..i was blind..i could feel it but wasn-t brave to ask you really how you are,
all this high technical fire poi.stuff technic and all this people with personal stories.we don-t think about..this "too much at a uberevent"..now i miss that i spoke with you..and now i read all this...


frown hug hug

clare..pufff ...if you want get in contact with me..maybe i can be there for you anyhow..we have a similar story in this- i feel...
it-s unbelievable how my life now still is influenced of my dadies death 3 years ago...this emptyness somebody leaves in a family live..my mom,my brother and sister...

clare -i-m at your side and send you all my love...
take care and all time you need to be with this

hug hug
love
josh

BansheeCatBRONZE Member
veteran
1,247 posts
Location: lost, Canada


Posted:
go ahead and break some things! I used to throw glasses at the wall, screaming, cause I needed to see something other than me shatter. ( but watch out. Once one bounced back off the wall, hit me in the head and knocked me on my ass..) was not that funny at the time!

Screaming is good for you. Go down to the ocean somewhere private if possible, and let yourself fall to the ground screaming your rage and pain....

dont keep it in sweetheart, find a safe place, and let go...

"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


joshgomeramember
155 posts
Location: here


Posted:
..yes go screaming best to the sea or uphill on a mountain...
...
and then go for you big dance of love like only you can do..
and fill the athmosphaere with all you sences...

love
josh hug

misscorinthianSILVER Member
old hand
784 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom


Posted:
Oh Clare hug- if that helps any...

Given what you have been through, I think it is totally understandable that you feel the way you do. Forgive me if I am wrong, but to me it seems like you have been holding it together for your mum, and other members of your family for so long... I guess now you no longer have to put on a brave face for her, everything has just come crashing down around you.

I run an online support group, and the members and I have come to a conclusion over time that usually you need to hit rock bottom, before you can start coming back up. I appreciate that many people will disagree with that one, maybe yourself included... or maybe this is about where you are right now....?

I have a friend that lost her mum a few months back. She hit that point a few weeks later after the funeral, as she had felt compelled to be positive around visiting relatives- and she had also had so damn much to do. When everyone had gone home and everything was over, the enormity of what had happened hit her. But..... she got through it. Slowly but surely she has come out the other side.

I don't know how I can advise you to start dealing with anything- I haven't been in your position. Sure, I don't know you at all, but from what you have written in this thread you do seem to be able to think and act with amazing clarity when you have to. Do the screaming, and breaking things or whatever if you feel you need to, give yourself a little time to "let go" as BansheeCat said- but have faith in yourself that you will be able to piece everything back together again.

Gosh, I hope that helps a little. I didn't really know what else to say... frown

XLenX

Devoted although mostly absent owner of the 1, the original... Asena


georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
ubbcrying again
hug hug hug

- 10 hours too late no doubt... but hope you did go and pound on something and do some screaming until it all came out. Breaking stuff not so good but smashing at a punching bag, the sand on a beach, the ground, a big old tree etc can help. Not healthy to supress that much negativity girl.

Dammit, why is NZ so far away! (again)
hug

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


=Flashpoint=SILVER Member
Pasta of Muppets
2,722 posts
Location: in the interwebs..., United Kingdom


Posted:
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Scream. I used to do it in the fields behind my house. Cant do that now (as I dont have fields)

The darkest hour is always just before dawn.

Look after yourself hon, let it go, let it out.

hug

ohmygodlaserbeamspewpewpew!
ubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmile


Rouge DragonBRONZE Member
Insert Champagne Here
13,215 posts
Location: without class distinction, Australia


Posted:
One of my friends in Romania lost her mother when she was about 16. And when I was in Romania, my "second mum" in Australia was killed tragically. And my Romanian friend told me something which really helped (sorry i've only thought of this now)

It's like the end of the movie Finding Neverland:

All you need to do is close your eyes and she will be there.

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...


pineapple peteSILVER Member
water based
5,125 posts
Location: melbourne, Australia


Posted:
just reading back through the first post in this thread, you said many people did not last 4 - 6 months.. your mums strength and will to continue so long is astounding, a trait that we can all see shining through in you, right now

hug kiss

"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"

*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
hug

Thanks everyone...

Not feeling as bad today as yesterday, but I think yesterday was a sign for what is to come...

I'm actually feeling quite fine most of the time... but I suspect that may be shock, and my mind not knowing which issue to deal with first, let alone how to deal with mum.

Miss Corinth... thank you lady... I'm feeling low, but not at rock bottom - certainly not as bad as I was in April... and I know I will probably go lower before coming back again.

Fortunately, a close friend is coming to stay with me for a while... which will be good - there's alot I need to let go of, and don't really know where to start.

And many, many thanks for all the offers of money to help me out, it's very kind... but I'm not going to be taking any of it!

I'll put things on my credit card, then pay it back when the money is refunded (I'm hoping it will be)... it's no worries, and I'm going to handle it myself, rather than rely on the very nice generosity of others.

Best wishes
xx

Getting to the other side smile


GnorBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia


Posted:
Throwing breakable stuff leaves you with a huge mess to clean up.



The funeral home thing, seeing your mum, its an image that is hard to deal with. If you want that image to be merged with the one you remember try photo albums and films of her. Make you cry lots more and maybe help.



The funeral is a poo of a day when you cope while breaking inside. The time till it happnes is limbo. Every time Ive lost someone close I do the greiving for them later than the funeral itself, as funeral day is a day to cope with and get through any way you can. Its more for others somehow. The cultures with ashes and renting of clothes may have it more right than uptight in a penguin suit trying not to completely lose it. Spending half your time trying to look out for the rest of the loved ones and the other half in shock and wondering what the hell is going on.

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


GothFrogetteBRONZE Member
grumpy poorly froggy
3,999 posts
Location: Nuneaton, United Kingdom


Posted:
hug

Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows


burningoftheclaveySILVER Member
lurking like a ninja with no camouflage..
926 posts
Location: over yonder, New Zealand


Posted:
hug hug

on spam robots - "Burn the robot! Melt him down, and then we can make lots and lots of money from his shiiiny juices!"

Owned by Brenn smile


Wild ChildSILVER Member
Star Trekker
1,733 posts
Location: Cheshire, United Kingdom


Posted:
hughughug

'The last rays of crimson on the spindle tree as the cerise fruit splits and reveals its orange seeds in a gloriously clashing colour scheme no-one would ever dare to wear'
Euonymous Europeus


Kombi guyBRONZE Member
HOP OM
225 posts
Location: HOP Central, New Zealand


Posted:
Hey Clare, just sending a BIG hug from the otherside of the globe.
Hope you have good friends helping you through in your time of need.

Sooooo sorry to hear about your loss.



Hugs from NZ

Chris.
hug

SkulduggeryGOLD Member
Pirate Pixie Crew Captain
8,428 posts
Location: Wales


Posted:
Thinking of you today Gorgeous. We will be having a little bit of a silence in our house at the time of the funeral. I'm so sorry we couldn't be there in body for you, but we are most certainly there in spirit. kiss

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
Me 2 hug heart hug

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
*Singing "Funeral for a Friend" to myself on the way home from Kendo*

ditto
Take it easy today Clare. Wish you strength for the day and the masses of people. hug hug hug

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


BamBamPooh-Bah
1,810 posts
Location: London


Posted:
Thinking of you honey.

XX

A kiss blown is a kiss wasted, the only kind of kiss is a kiss tasted.

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a LITTLE bit scary.


_Stix_Pooh-Bah
2,419 posts
Location: la-la land


Posted:
me too..

I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..


mechBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
6,207 posts
Location: "In your ear", United Kingdom


Posted:
i meditated on your mother this morning, and tried to send some energy your way honey

Step (el-nombrie)


=Flashpoint=SILVER Member
Pasta of Muppets
2,722 posts
Location: in the interwebs..., United Kingdom


Posted:
thinking of you and yours.
hug

ohmygodlaserbeamspewpewpew!
ubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmile


BasstonesGOLD Member
Do you do the poiz?
530 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
Clare,

I'm so sorry to hear the news. The fact that she was in clear mind til the end and pain free is an incredible blessing. Reading your posts has had tears rolling down my face, I can't express how sorry I am for your loss.

Something that my dad told my brother and I after mum passed has stuck with me. Although mum may physically be gone, it doesn't still mean you can't talk to her. Not necessarily praying but deep inside you know how she would feel to any question you ask. I have found myself turning within myself and knowing that mum is right beside me and supporting me with my decisions. If you are in doubt you can still turn to her and know what she would say. To the extent that I can even see her facial expressions.

This thread is a legacy for the amount of love and support that there is for you. People all around the world have been drawn to you and your mother and the love that you have shared, that support and friendship will still be here when you need it.

Scream, laugh, cry, smile... Don't ever feel you are not grieving correctly. We all go through stages which aren't worth fighting, just let it out.

"In the end there is only fire and a waterfall"


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
hug



Thanks everyone...



HoP crew... thanks so much for the wishes, thoughts... and everything else you have sent to me and my family smile



Not really going to go into details just now...



But for the first time in my life I can't feel anything.



People I have spoken to (usually guys) say they don't feel emotion... and I haven't been able to understand them because I feel so many emotions, fully, all the time.



But now I don't... I just don't feel anything.



And I really don't like it. It feels like I'm living half a life... without the colour, the fullness and the experience. It's just existing.



This is a big time of change, and the change will be welcomed... though I'm unsure of what will come from it.



With love

xx

Getting to the other side smile


burningoftheclaveySILVER Member
lurking like a ninja with no camouflage..
926 posts
Location: over yonder, New Zealand


Posted:
i know the feeling clare, like your hearts suddenly gone numb..i think its all part of the motions.. dont worry about it even while others around you are really feeling the loss, its ok not to cry too! lots of love your way hun, thinking of you today lots of big squishy hugs

on spam robots - "Burn the robot! Melt him down, and then we can make lots and lots of money from his shiiiny juices!"

Owned by Brenn smile


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