Page: ...
_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Hello everyone...

Oks, well, I've had some bad news and thought I would post on here for advice on alternative therapies.

I've had a look through the existing threads (nice search system Malcolm!!) but didn't find what I was looking for, so I hope this is ok.


So then...

Just over a month ago my mother turned yellow.
It was two days before my parents were due to go on holiday, and instead she ended up in hospital.

They discovered it was a blockage near her bile duct, and after sticking a camera down her throat, found out she had a tumour on her pancreas.

She was eventually sent home for a few weeks to recuperate, then brought back in for an operation last Friday.

We discovered then that the tumour on her pancreas is too big - 6 cms - to operate on, and parts of it have spread to nearby glands.

The prognosis isn't good. They've told her between 6 months and a year, but any reseach I've done shows people with pancreatic cancer lasting between 4 - 6 months.

Our family is coping well, considering, so far.

(Personally, I feel like I'm constantly going to cry.
I try not to think about her leaving us as much as possible. My mother is the strongest person in the world... She is kind and lovely and despite having pissed me off often, has done a splendid job and has had a splendid life (she's travelled all over the place - took a boat to Australia from Ireland 40 years ago to work as a nanny on a cattle ranch!! She came home, by boat, via NZ, Fiji and the Panama Canal - in a time when tourism wasn't Lonely Planet travel-by-numbers).

At the minute, I'm coping. I'm finding myself running about my parent's house 'doing stuff' for them while also trying to keep a performance business afloat. That's been a barrel of laughs in itself... anyone setting up a business in the arts - prepare yourself now for the bitchiness, competition, jealousy and lack of support.

My deepest apologies to m'lovely friends on here if I haven't responded to your PMs or calls recently - thanks BamBam and Fluff x).

Jesus... that was a bitter and twisted rant... humblest apologies for that... redface

Anyways... I have posted this for a reason rolleyes smile

The doctors are still deciding whether mum should have chemo.
None of us are very happy with that idea... don't want her last few months to be spent throwing up.

She's got a very strong Christian faith, which keeps her bouncing through each day (lol, and she keeps emotionally blackmailing me to convert!!! Lol... I've told her it won't happen, but thanks anyway smile )

But I want info on alternative therapies... things that might reduce it, or just prolong her life for a bit. Does anyone here have any advice on where I could look?

I know not to accept intershnet advice as gospel, but it's good to get a guideline - or a point in the right direction.

Electro-magnetic therapy? Acupuncture? Organic foods and no tap water?!!

Does anyone here have any helpful hints?

Thanks so much for your time... and go home tonight and give your parents a hug... they could be gone much sooner than you think.

Love and hugs to you alll
Clare xx

Getting to the other side smile


newgabeSILVER Member
what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
4,030 posts
Location: Bali, Australia


Posted:
Hello beautiful (who probably doesn't feel like that right now) Clare.

The flatness interspersed with panic, anger and guilt are all utterly utterly how it is in grief.



Of course you want to scream and smash things. Our cultural 'British' buttoned up silent way of dealing with grief is utterly unnatural and also unhealthy.



A Suggestion:

Get a plastic tennis raquet or something similar and smash it onto your bed (a good height and soft enough) lots while shouting out anything you want to say. You may well cry a sh*tload whilst doing this and possibly end up with a sore throat but it is better out than in. Elisabeth Kubler Ross advocated rubber hose and telephone books but I find that jarring on the arm. Address a few choice words to your Mum's God too, this is bigger than human...



Re PLAY etc..enjoying things, allowing something else to take precedence over her, can feel like a betrayal.. it goes against our deep deep need to keep the one who has passed over HERE in the centre. So do what you need to, to have her in your mind and life. Put flowers or candles or food or whatever in front of her photo twenty times a day if you want, or sleep with her clothes.. ANYTHING.



People will tell you not to feel guilty but that doesn't work, guilt is the underground river of grief, connected to our feelings of powerlessness and our desire to keep the person present. When you feel guilty, remember that the level of guilt is connected to the level of your love, so as much as possible remember your love and connection in any way you can. Send her light, tell stories, put MORE flowers in front of the picture, whatever. You might cry again but that is more healing than guilt, which tends to go round in unresolved circles, making you sick.



Politely sidestep people who tell you to let go, move on, accept etc. You may do this months or years down the track in your own good time, provided you do enough remembering and honouring (in my grief counselling writings I call it Identifying) now.



And don't be surprised if often you feel nothing at all. Grief is physical as well as mental and emotional. The body protects itself by numbing out, remember.



OOOOH I wish I could be there to tell you it's OK to not want a lot of people around when you're feeling like a piece of velcro with the other half ripped off wink



OK that's enough.

HUGS and all..

Gabe

.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....


Adya MiriyanaGOLD Member
*slou?
6,554 posts
Location: Adelaide, Australia


Posted:
let your heart choose your path, gorgeous hug
sending a too-big-for-international-post amount of love to that heart heart

poi_kittySILVER Member
Member
32 posts
Location: Whitburn, South Tyneside, United Kingdom


Posted:
Hi. I am new on this site, and you have no idea who I am, but i was in tears reading through this thread. About the same time your mum was diagnosed, I was dealing with my mum having cancer. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She was having chemotherapy and had a very bad reaction which resulted in her being pretty much in a coma for weeks. I am an only child and my dad died of lung cancer 5 years ago, so it was pretty hard to deal. At one point I was called into the hospital and told mum only had a couple of hours to live. my family travelled up from Kent that day. I feel so lucky that mum pulled through. She is now home, and recovering well, however she has suffered some brain damage, and is having to learn to walk again. It has been a year since she was at her worst, but the pain of seeing her like that is still there. She isnt the same person as she used to be, so i feel in a way like i have lost her.
I can imagine what you are going through right now, as I went through exactly the same when my dad died. I didnt even really get to say goodbye, we found out about his cancer on the afternoon, was told he had a few weeks, he died 10 hours later, and by the time we got to the hospital it was too late. Even now I still feel the pain of losing him sometimes. The one thing to give me peace was when he visited me a few weeks after his death. I dreamt about him, and woke up, half asleep i looked round and there he was. I thought it was a dream until the next day when both my mum and aunties said the same thing had happened to them the night before too. I believe the spirits of those we love to come back one last time to let us know they are ok. If your mum hasnt done this yet, she will. You may not realise it at first but when you do it will really help you.
It is the hardest thing I know of to lose a parent. I don't take anything for granted now. I was almost an orphan at 22, and the fact that I am not makes me more grateful than i ever thought i could be.
My thoughts are with you at this horrible horrible time. My advice is to take plenty of time for yourself. I didnt after losing my dad, and as a result i am now suffering from depression. Cry as much as you can, go out into the country and scream for as long and as loud as you can, write down everything you remember about your mum, make a scrapbook full of memories, and most important, remember your mum loved you very much, she always will, even if she isnt here in body, she is here in spirit and that will never leave you

*hugs*

Louisa xxxxxxxxx

_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Thanks so much for posting Louisa hug

And for all those who have taken the time and energy to post here grouphug

I'm actually doing ok-ish...

Someday soon I'll make a big post explaining some things that have happened in the last month... but it's not bad, thankfully...

Of course, the expected sadness, but not the horror scenes of grief and despair I had expected (or felt in April/May time).

With love
xx

Getting to the other side smile


georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
That's good to hear Clare. hug
You know only you can walk the path in front of you and all we can do is offer our support from the sidelines.

Always thinking of you and sending you strength.
hug hug hug

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


PyroWillGOLD Member
HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
4,437 posts
Location: Staines, United Kingdom


Posted:
Clare I've been away from HoP for so long, I'm sorry I havent checked in on you. I loved what your mum said about the otters. I hope she is happy where she is, death is just another stage in our existence and how your family prepared for it was very noble and brave.

All my love to you and your family.

Will hug

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Thanks Will... good to hear from you, and hopefully see you in Bristol?



It's been a while since I posted here... kept meaning to, and never quite got around to it. (Perhaps because I've been trying to find something to say, which is very hard in itself). This is a very long ramble...



It's been an interesting six and a half weeks...



After she died everything was very blurry and hazy... every day was just getting through things that had to be done.



Despite all our pre-organising, the funeral arrangements still took a while to get sorted, and filling the forms at the Town Hall to register the death took much longer than expected.



The funeral was a fairly good, highly emotional, day.

Lots of my friends came (which was a real blessing), and the church was quite full with other family and friends that I didn't know.



There were a lot of very upset people.



Mum asked for no flowers, just donations, and in the end over £800 was raised for Tear Fund, and £600 for Latin Link... she would have been happy with that (and we were happy that we didn't get £1400 worth of flowers!!)



My friends stayed that night, and we played giant frisbee in car park at the back of my house... that was good.



Andy came over from Germany... bless him. He stayed until last week, and I was so grateful for his company and patience.



We did lots of little missions; Ronan came up from Cork and we went to the Giants Causeway; we went on a magical weekend to Inishfree; saw lots of rainbows; cooked some things, played some guitar; went on a great mission to Tara... but mainly, cleaned things smile



During the time we spent together there wasn't any huge scenes of grief or anguish, like there had been in April and May... I was angry a fair bit, but Andy (being Andy), took it all in his stride, and I was very grateful for that.



I felt a bit numb, a bit sad every now and again, a bit relieved (in a strange way), a bit exhausted, a bit angry, occassionally even quite happy!



Just a rollercoaster, a rainbow of emotion, passing through.



During that time I also did a bit of work with some of my energy-worker friends... that helped a bit, just remembering to recognise these feelings as emotions, so they didn't swamp me.



So Andy left last week, and I'm back to being alone.



I've started to get back into work, sending out quotes, paying people (which took ages!), I'm working lots in the Telegraph, to make sure I've the money to pay rent.



But things are changing... my work arrangements are changing and I'm not sure what path to follow with firepoise... whether I want to keep going, or try something different.



I guess I'll just see what comes (and at the minute, I appear to be going to work in a big US theme park for next april - an uber-cheesy Irish show, but well paid and great experience).



Every now and again I remember that I will never see her again, talk to her, hug her, tell her my news... and I cry for a bit...



Sometimes I feel a bit paniky... but then I remember... she had a good passing, and there's nothing to be scared of, so it smothers the paniked feeling. I hope that, in time, the panic will subside.



As a shamanic friend said... I've lost my mother, but I've gained a friend in the spirit world... and that's a good thing.



I'm spending my time trying to motivate myself to work, to clean, to 'sort stuff out'. But also, to look after Dad. He told me a couple of days ago that he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression - my dad! Older generation, not used to talking to anyone... argh frown



So, the doctor put him on anti-depressants for a few months, saying that if that didn't work, he could try counselling (standard practice, according to my pharmacist friend).



It appalled me, but apparently most people over 55 don't like to talk about their problems, so they are recommended drugs first. It has also shocked me to hear how many of my uncles, friends of my parents, etc, are also depressed... Changes in jobs, loss of a partner... it's really terrible to think that so many of our parents generation are suffering so badly.



Anyways, so a few things I've learned from this experience.



1. You will find out who your friends are... people you think are close will run a mile to avoid having to deal with it. It's a bit of a negative cliche, because it doesn't mean that these people aren't your friends... it just means they can't handle what you're going through, for a variety of reasons. This is ok, though... because the experience you have can only ever be your own (no matter how much you wish it otherwise!).



You can do it by yourself... its hard, but you will get through it. You can let the experience crush you, or make you stronger... which it does is up to you (and it's not such an impossible step to make yourself stronger, it just seems that way - your mind will play tricks on you).



2. Prepare yourself for unexpected emotions... and learn how to recognise and handle your emotions, so they don't overwhelm you. Anger, grief, loneliness, abandonment, guilt, fear, despair, rejection, panic... as well as love, happiness and joy - I've felt them all in varying degrees over the past few months... and your emotions will be accentuated because of the brutal reality of the situation.



3. Prepare yourself for the many, many people who will say 'my mother's aunt had cancer once, but she survived... so I know how you feel' (or words to that effect smile ). Many people will want to support you and show emotion or caring, but they don't know how... so they say things like this.



People also say 'I'll be there for you'... which, for the most part, they probably will be... but try to remember, only you can feel the reality of the situation (it's also very difficult, in reality, to call up friends at 3am when you're in a bad place). Concentrate on yourself... do what you need to, to get through it.... try to meditate and take time for yourself, cutting any cords to anyone, and everything, else, during that meditation.



4. Save some money. When the time comes you'll be visiting the hospital lots, and not working so much... Having money to pay the bills, pay the petrol money etc takes a huge weight of your mind...



5. Rely on the support of your family... even if you aren't that close, an experience like this will bring you closer... try not to direct your anger or sadness at them, because they will be feeling their own.



6. If you are granted time before your parent dies, use it. Visit them, ask them questions you think you may want to know in the future. Say the important things while they are still relatively healthy... because when they go, they could go fast. Get some pictures, and having their voice on tape helps. Don't worry about using your time 'well' - because what is 'well'? Just be there. Sit with them, watch a movie, cook food... just be present.



Do arrange the funeral service and arrangements in advance, preferably with the person involved. It's really hard to do, but my god it helped so much to know that mum got the funeral she wanted... It would have been terrible to try to guess it ourselves.



7. Try not to beat yourself up about what you have or haven't done... (The one I am still struggling with). Things are as they are... if you have done your best, with an open heart, then you can't do anymore. Try to take some comfort in this, and be aware of the love that existed between you and your parent...



8. And as with any time of deep sadness... try to do something every day that will push you, or make you smile. Go for a walk, try something new, visit a friend, eat something lovely... whatever it is... try to keep doing stuff.



Hmmm.



So that's it.



Some days I feel mum with me. Sometimes I ask her advice and she answers me... sometimes not.



I think of her and miss her every day. I cry often. I don't really sleep very well.



But it's part of the process... and I'm not going to give up on rebuilding myself.



This time has been very good for me to examine myself and my life.

I went through a bad time in New Zealand in 2003 and I've never really been the same since... but I'm determined to change that... to bring back the happy, confident person I was before it all.



And it's with thanks, in respect, and for... my mother.



With love to everyone who has shared a story, their thoughts, love, blessings and light in this thread....



Clare xx





PS: I found out about the Otters biggrin

My Auntie Ann (mum's sister) got married at the Otter's Inn.. so she was probably remembering that.



grouphug

Getting to the other side smile


georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
Go Clare! hug

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


SpitFireGOLD Member
Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
2,723 posts
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada


Posted:
hug

Keep finding that inner strength, Clare.

Solitude sometimes speaks to you, and you should listen.


FireTomStargazer
6,650 posts

Posted:
Wow, that pushes me to tears again.

Thank you Clare for such a mature, sensible, insightful post. hug You do rock, lady!

My prayers and blessings are with you hug heart hug

As for the rest I am speechless footinmouth

the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Yeep...



Something I'm going to have to clarify from the above post...



"3. Prepare yourself for the many, many people who will say 'my mother's aunt had cancer once, but she survived... so I know how you feel' (or words to that effect ). Many people will want to support you and show emotion or caring, but they don't know how... so they say things like this. "



I should also say there were a number of people who contacted me with much more direct, personal experiences of family members dying from cancer, or other diseases... I'm not referring to them!



These people helped me out massively by relating their experiences, sharing their stories and giving advice... I have thanked them all for that already, previously.



Each experience is different, as each cancer is different.



And each person will respond to dealing with death differently, and will respond to dealing with other people's grief differently.



My point was, it can get frustrating when people try to empathise with you when you don't think they could possibly understand (and many people will use seemingly unrelated experiences to try to form a connection with you)... but that's as much a reflection of yourself and your situation, as the perceived understanding of people.





Anyways, while I'm here... I should mention, again, the incredible support of close friends in Northern Ireland, Lisa, my girlfriends, friends from Dublin and Cork, English friends (Hoppers, and now non-Hoppers), friends from around the world, and all those people who gave time and energy to get me through the darkest times (which, it seems, came before Mum actually died).



You are all very special, wonderful people... and I appreciate it greatly.



Thanks

xx

Getting to the other side smile


UCOFSILVER Member
15,417 posts
Location: South Wales


Posted:
 Written by: Clare

my girlfriends



Do you have any video or picture proof of these 'girlfriends'?

biggrin ubbangel

georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
Skully please keep him "under control"... ubblol

hug Clare hug

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
smile smile

Getting to the other side smile


UCOFSILVER Member
15,417 posts
Location: South Wales


Posted:
...that's not a no! biggrin

faith enfireBRONZE Member
wandering thru the woods of WI
3,556 posts
Location: Wisconsin, USA


Posted:
just saying hug

Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed


Neon_ShaolinGOLD Member
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam


Posted:
Hey Clare, hug

I'm very touched and uplifted that you seem to be coping quite well and feel comfortable relating your musings to help others who well (sadly) inevitably be in your situaton in the future...

Lke others, I wish I could help more but that'd be doing you a disservice. wink

hug hug hug

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
 Written by: Neon_Shaolin



feel comfortable relating your musings to help others





Not always, no smile



This thread was something that was really helpful for me to get things clear in my head... but I'm not always comfortable about the thought that others are reading it (ubbloco) - it just ran away with itself a bit.



But I feel even less comfortable about it when some take my thoughts personally, and I have to deal with their fall-out too.



 Written by: Neon_Shaolin



wish I could help more but that'd be doing you a disservice. wink







Don't understand? More explainy please smile
EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1188300625)

Getting to the other side smile


GnorBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia


Posted:
Damned people Mz Clare.

Hugs missie hug hug

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
ubblol

Yep... methinks I'm thinking about it too much biggrin

xx

hug

Getting to the other side smile


Neon_ShaolinGOLD Member
hehe, 'Member' huhuh
6,120 posts
Location: Behind you. With Jam


Posted:
Yep, thinking about it too much...

Probably the wink threw you into thinking there was a double meaning... (Like that ever happens! wink )

Just mean that I shouldn't wish that I could do more to comfort you and help you cope as you appear to be doing better than expected...

hug

"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Hahahha...

Online paranoia... it should be a recognised mental illness biggrin

Or wink

Or whatever smile

Doing ok most of the time... so that's alright smile

Hopefully see you in Bristol?

x

Getting to the other side smile


GnorBRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia


Posted:
Online paranoia...
is that where they are out to byte you
or where you read all nuances into a spellling mistake and a smiley

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
ubblol

smile

Getting to the other side smile


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
Hello again everyone...



Hope you had a fun, warm Christmas, with lots of food and friends... and best wishes and blessings for the solstice, and new year...



hug



I thought it might be a good idea to post again here, a wee update to explain how things have been over the last four months - since I haven't been around much.



It might be a bit long wink





It's been a strange and surreal time for my dad and I... we're doing ok (and probably pretty well, considering)... but we just take each day, and each emotion, as it comes.



Dad first...



My Dad, understandably, has had a very rough time. He was with my mother for 30 years, and she did all the thinking and organising in the relationship.



He's lost about two/three stone in weight, and has lost much of the energy and spark that defined his character as my dad.



He's getting through each day as best he can... he doesn't cry in front of me, but appears lost and generally tired of life and having to go through the day-to-day routine of living.



It is a terrible thing to lose one parent, but to lose another to depression is quite horrific. I've watched him wither away, with a (albeit pointless) sense of frustration and guilt at not being able to do anything about it.



(Or, as Oscar Wilde put it (much better), it feels a bit like: To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune... to lose both seems like carelessness smile )



During the first month he was in shock... but he got through it.



The second month was bad... every day was a struggle and when I asked him how he was (I've either seen him or spoken to him every day since), he replied 'oh, you know, pretty bad'. The third was similar.



The fourth month was the worst... reality started to hit and he became quite cross and upset and frustrated. Also, he was being sick every time he ate, and could barely get through the mornings...



This month (December, the fifth) he seems to be getting through... he's no happier, but not as sad as in November - at least, I'm not so concerned.





It's also been really interesting to see his history of medication over this time.



Initially, the doctor prescribed anti-depressants. He took them for three weeks, started to feel worse, so stopped taking them (I was at the Bristol Juggling Convention). He said he experienced such a brutal comedown he called the doctor to the house.



Then he tried something for the nausea... again it had a bad reaction, and he ended up unable to eat at all.



Finally (after a four week waiting list), he managed to see a counsellor, but this was at the end of the second month, when he wasn't too bad, and the counsellor decided counselling wasn't needed (!).



He stayed pill-free until the end of the third month, when things started to get worse (I was very busy with work and wasn't able to visit so often, so he felt the loneliness more).



Next, was beta blockers (for the anxiety and nausea). Again, it didn't work, and left him feeling worse.



Finally, as a last resort, the doctor prescribed diazepan, with the instruction to 'only take it when needed'... he took five over a period of seven days, and it left him feeling rotten.



After this, when dad was feeling at his worst, he decided to try something I'd suggested a month and a half earlier, and started taking St Johns Wort (two weeks ago now).



They appear to have worked... It's a strong dosage (300mg 3 times a day), but he's not so nauseuous, and appears to be able to get through the mornings (which are, very much, the worst times).



It's great to see this herbal remedy doing so much more good than any of the chemicals he tried.





He spends his time pottering around the house, doing odd jobs, going for walks, and forcing himself to eat a small breakfast, lunch and dinner (but at least he's eating!). He's also got a Setanta digibox - so watches lots of football matches.



He also keeps the small area around Mum's Hawthorn tree (in the cemetary), beautifully, replanting primroses regularly and keeping the area looking great.



I've suggested we find him a hobby, or something to do, but he can't think of anything he's interested in (he doesn't like being around 'people' - smile ) and anyway, he doesn't want to leave the house.



It all sounds a bit grim... but I am proud of him for keeping on fighting... We know it's going to be one day at a time...





My brother...



I have hardly had any contact with my brother since it all happened. He lives in Glasgow, and things were exactly the same before Mum got ill. However, we annoy each other less when we're together - which is good.



Also, after realising at the funeral how much Mum travelled in her life, my brother is leaving his well-paid job and apartment in Glasgow to travel around the world for a year. He leaves in April.



Me...



Ho hum.

I think I'm doing quite well.

I started work again a month and a half after Mum died, and it very quickly became manic... I haven't stopped since (apart from yesterday!).



I appear to be constantly running to do things and keep busy... organising stuff, doing things, and looking after dad.



I haven't been too sad... just every now and again I cry... but I let it come, and then it passes. The thought that I won't see her again makes me sad... but then I realise that I can't change it, so the sadness shouldn't overwhelm me.



Looking after dad has been very draining... not from actually doing anything - but just being there and seeing him so upset. I 'did' Christmas for him this year (cards, decorations, presents), and that was very hard.



We got three cards marked to 'Mr and Mrs'... so I'll need to write letters to let them know.



Something that brings me great comfort is that on about 6/7 occassions since she died, Mum has visited me, or connected with me in some way.



A couple of times it happened when I was smoking, alone, and I used the time to focus on her... It felt as though I visited her. She was young and beautiful, in heaven, and very happy. We spoke briefly before I came back.



In other times I have felt her presence in the wind. And yesterday, on Christmas Day when the three of us visited her grave, I felt her giving me a hug and telling me she missed us all.



Possibly this is my imagination, possibly I'm open to energies... either way, it brings comfort to know that she hasn't left me.



Also, at the beginning of October, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man called Will. (Yep, after 7 years of silly flirtations and careless emotions, I have a 'real' boyfriend!)



He is amazing... Incredibly kind, very good to me, and treats me with respect and deep love. (He's also the best guitar player I've ever heard biggrin - I might bring him to the next Bristol smile )



He has carried me through my sadness, supported me when I needed it and does everything possible to help out practically - with the house, and fire business (likewise, I'm helping him out to promote his band - they're now doing a session for the BBC!)



I just wish he could have met Mum.



So that's it... a heartbreaking journey, and I often wonder if it's real - and question 'do I really not have a mother anymore?'. It doesn't seem right.



I have changed hugely as a person... I'm calmer, and much happier than I have been over the past couple of years. I also don't have the time or patience for people who just want to take, anymore.



I know this has happened because of what I have felt and experienced this year...





I want to say thank you again to all those people who helped me, and sent love and words of comfort to me, during that time. I was alone, and you brought me through it... thank you for that.



Particularly at this time of year, I want you to know that your actions and warmth stopped me from falling apart...



With love, and blessings, for the year ahead... and for your own journey...



Clare x
EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1198703143)

Getting to the other side smile


TheBovrilMonkeySILVER Member
Liquid Cow
2,629 posts
Location: High Wycombe, England


Posted:
*hug*

But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.


ACTSILVER Member
enthusiast
318 posts
Location: I am in a world you do not want to be, USA


Posted:
I dont know you Clare but *bigsnugglycthuluhugs*

You just reminded me why I spent christmas with my elderly grandparents. Merry Christmas and May you have a very enjoyabe and happy new year.

Don't hate me because I am different, hate me because I still think I am better then you!


bluecatgeek, level 1
5,300 posts
Location: everywhere


Posted:
hug

see you tomorrow, when i will give you a hug for real, (and mess up your house)

Holistic Spinner (I hope)


georgemcBRONZE Member
Sitting down facing forward . . .
2,387 posts
Location: Christchurch, New Zealand


Posted:
hug
Thanks for the update lovely lady and bounce clap bounce2 clap bounce for a new boyfriend!

hug

Written by: Doc Lightning talking about Marmite in Kichi's Intro thread

I have several large jars of the stuff. I actually like it... a little. And don't tell anyone I admitted to it.
grin


_Clare_BRONZE Member
Still wiggling
5,967 posts
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)


Posted:
smile
Take care m'lovelies

(and you, mister cat wink )

x

Getting to the other side smile


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