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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:Hello everyone...

Oks, well, I've had some bad news and thought I would post on here for advice on alternative therapies.

I've had a look through the existing threads (nice search system Malcolm!!) but didn't find what I was looking for, so I hope this is ok.


So then...

Just over a month ago my mother turned yellow.
It was two days before my parents were due to go on holiday, and instead she ended up in hospital.

They discovered it was a blockage near her bile duct, and after sticking a camera down her throat, found out she had a tumour on her pancreas.

She was eventually sent home for a few weeks to recuperate, then brought back in for an operation last Friday.

We discovered then that the tumour on her pancreas is too big - 6 cms - to operate on, and parts of it have spread to nearby glands.

The prognosis isn't good. They've told her between 6 months and a year, but any reseach I've done shows people with pancreatic cancer lasting between 4 - 6 months.

Our family is coping well, considering, so far.

(Personally, I feel like I'm constantly going to cry.
I try not to think about her leaving us as much as possible. My mother is the strongest person in the world... She is kind and lovely and despite having pissed me off often, has done a splendid job and has had a splendid life (she's travelled all over the place - took a boat to Australia from Ireland 40 years ago to work as a nanny on a cattle ranch!! She came home, by boat, via NZ, Fiji and the Panama Canal - in a time when tourism wasn't Lonely Planet travel-by-numbers).

At the minute, I'm coping. I'm finding myself running about my parent's house 'doing stuff' for them while also trying to keep a performance business afloat. That's been a barrel of laughs in itself... anyone setting up a business in the arts - prepare yourself now for the bitchiness, competition, jealousy and lack of support.

My deepest apologies to m'lovely friends on here if I haven't responded to your PMs or calls recently - thanks BamBam and Fluff x).

Jesus... that was a bitter and twisted rant... humblest apologies for that... redface

Anyways... I have posted this for a reason rolleyes smile

The doctors are still deciding whether mum should have chemo.
None of us are very happy with that idea... don't want her last few months to be spent throwing up.

She's got a very strong Christian faith, which keeps her bouncing through each day (lol, and she keeps emotionally blackmailing me to convert!!! Lol... I've told her it won't happen, but thanks anyway smile )

But I want info on alternative therapies... things that might reduce it, or just prolong her life for a bit. Does anyone here have any advice on where I could look?

I know not to accept intershnet advice as gospel, but it's good to get a guideline - or a point in the right direction.

Electro-magnetic therapy? Acupuncture? Organic foods and no tap water?!!

Does anyone here have any helpful hints?

Thanks so much for your time... and go home tonight and give your parents a hug... they could be gone much sooner than you think.

Love and hugs to you alll
Clare xx


Getting to the other side smile


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:Indeed. And I know that I'm lucky that I can... in one, twisted, sense of the word.



But I'm not very good at letting go... it's not one of my stronger points.



You'd think I'd be better... considering the practice rolleyes



Le sigh...



I can see her getting weaker with every day... but when she's gone, I'm still going to feel cheated.

EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1175645589)


Getting to the other side smile


Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Cheated and remembering all those things you wanted to say and tell and show for a long time.
Sometimes after too family dont want to keep talking about your loved one. I say " dad would have laughed at blah" and use his sayings. It keeps him close.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu


jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:frown hug hug

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:It gives me a tight knotted feeling in my stomach just thinking about it...

hug


Getting to the other side smile


fNi
fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York
Member Since: 8th Mar 2004
Total posts: 3354
Posted:hug hug *vibes* hug hug

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more


Adya Miriyana
Adya Miriyana

*slou?
Location: Adelaide
Member Since: 4th Feb 2005
Total posts: 6554
Posted:hug hug hug


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:smile

Has been an interesting day... couple of days, really.

It's sooo obvious now, the ever-quickening slow down...

She gets tired easily... talking to people, moving about.

Everything happens at a snail's pace... But fortunately, both my parents are retired and with few outside demands, so that's ok.

Mum was never one for doing anything slowly, so it's incredibly frustrating for her... which gets her down alot.

Understandable, really.

Steve (2bags) and his friend Kelsey visited yesterday... lol, it's great... I'm getting all my friends to meet her before she goes (keeping her alive through memory).

Let's see... she's met Lisa, Nick, Andy, Arashi, Durbs, Strugz, 2bags, Ros... lol, if she was a spinner, she'd be set smile

She's also feeling a bit nauseous... I got her some good ginger tea, and she tried it today... she seems to like it, so that's good.

Her breathing is very bad, and she has a big unpleasant swelling in her leg - which she's on more medication for. She must be taking 20-odd pills a day, or more.

Her spirits had lifted by the time I left this evening... which helps everyone else around her lots.

Dad is coping admirably. Am proud of him.

Have a good weekend and Easter

xx


Getting to the other side smile


jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:hug

think of all the skills she could have learnt from all of her Hoppy visitors! biggrin


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:I know!!



rolleyes



smile



So then...



Mum is deteriorating quite quickly. She's keeping in good spirits, but the inevitable is like a big black, heavy cloud pressing down on her.



Her blood count has dropped again. Not really sure what this means... but it's not good.



I've been seeing her every day recently. She hasn't been in the mood for more 'interviewing', but will try again tonight.



Seeing her lifts both our moods when I'm there... but I get very upset afterwards.



However... I am considering going to visit some friends this weekend (from Thursday to Sunday).



I really want to go see them (missed them lots, and haven't seen most of them in ages)... and both parents said I should go... but am feeling unsure about it.



What happens if something goes wrong when I'm away?



Told her this fear yesterday - she said 'you can't live like that... just do what you want, especially as you can't change it anyway'.



Then she said: 'what would you do differently if something was to happen?'



Arrrrggghghhh!!!



This is the worst question... I have no idea!



I'd probably want to be there, all the time.



But I can't be there all the time... because my mother and I have already found out that we don't live well together... and hanging around waiting for something bad to happen is unnecessarily morbid.



Le sigh.



I'll talk to her again tonight...



She said if anything happens, they'll let me know straight away, so I can make arrangements to get back.



Hmmmmmmm.



I'll probably go... but it would help to feel better about that decision.



x

EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1176210484)


Getting to the other side smile


Glåss
Glåss

The Ministry of Manipulation
Location: Bristol
Member Since: 8th Nov 2001
Total posts: 2523
Posted:See you soon smile
we've got a hot date on thursday with a bottle of bucky remember
Drew



jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:Clare,
Of course you want to be close to your mum and be there for her. I don't know what I'd do if I were in your position. I think seeing friends and having some well deserved hugs will do you good.

I think you're right, if you stay it will seem like you're "waiting for death", which isn't really a nice thought.

Go see your friends, wink take lots of photos and when you get back you can tell your mum about all the fun you had, and she'll be proud.

hug hug


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


BansheeCat
veteran
Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247
Posted:Sweetheart, you are not going far away, is is okay to go and have a break, a visit with friends, some support and some bucky! If needed you can get back super fast.

God, having to get back from Falmouth was a bit of a nightmare for me, but then that was half way across the world . I think if I had known how ill my dad was at the time, I would not have gone so far away and chosen to spend more time together. But hindsight is always a hundred percent, and you can really only work with what feels right at the time.

Something may or may not happen, but every day is like that. If you and her were good, happy staying together full time, maybe that would be a good choice, But it sounds as if you do best with a little breathing space, and that is just fine!You will have fresh energy and stories to share after the weekend!

best wishes, and a huge hug! ( pass it on...)


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


PyroWill
PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines
Member Since: 4th Aug 2004
Total posts: 4437
Posted:Clare hug Sorry to hear about your mum's deteriorating condition! But i second what everyone else is saying, you need to get out and do other things, I agree with your parents that if anything happens they will contact you and you'll be on the way as soon as you can say "your on fire".

My thoughts are with you?

Might this Thursday to sunday event be the BJC biggrin


An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:smile

Thanks everyone... it's appreciated... and thanks Andrea... your experiences are helping me lots hug

I will go... I've been missing these 'friends' for ages... though I'll be keeping my phone close by smile

And Will... I couldn't possibly say... sure, wouldn't it ruin any type of surprise?

biggrin


Getting to the other side smile


Ade
Are we there yet?
Location: australia
Member Since: 14th Mar 2001
Total posts: 1897
Posted:hug hug


Sparklygreenfire
Sparklygreenfire

*Green Spirit*
Location: Southampton, England
Member Since: 11th Aug 2004
Total posts: 201
Posted:I feel a lil awkward posting here as you don't know me Clare. I know it's little comfort at this time, but I just wanted to send you this hug

Thinking of you and your family smile

x


Are you a robot...or an alien?


tiger_chic
tiger_chic

member
Location: Feilding, Manawatu,New Zealand
Member Since: 16th Jan 2007
Total posts: 101
Posted:i dont kno u personally _Clare_ but stay strong for your family hug hug hug

..."LOOK at me, HERE I am, lllllooove me"... Luigi "Cars: The Movie."


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:(Reposted... because I guess even the low points are part of the journey...)





Thanks peoples.



*le sigh*



Ever had one of those weeks where you just can't believe how rubbish your life is and you lose interest in everything?



Do you have a dark place that your mind slides into every now again and you can't get out of? You just have to ride it through, hoping that you don't do too much damage in the meantime - stumbling about, bumping into people, things and emotions in the dark?



I realised this week I might be starting to revisit my dark place again...

I can recognise it now because my mind can't focus on anything, I feel panicked and a bit shell-shocked all the time, and I start to talk about myself alot - to anyone who will listen (or read). It happens every couple of years or so... and unfortunately is coinciding again with another best friend's wedding...



I can't focus on work, and certainly can't motivate myself to do performance-related stuff... which makes me worried about what I'm not doing. Instead, I post crap on a website all day... and worry about 'what does this mean'. (I tell myself that it's important because it's distracting... I'm sure there's logic there somewhere).



My crazy energy has meant that one of my support friends has had to back off for their own peace of mind. Completely understandable, but I feel awful and guilty.



People keep telling me how strong I am... but I look at my life and want to throw up.



And still... my mum continues to look more frail and pale and frightened.



She's had a big lumpy thing in her leg, which is making it very difficult for her to walk. She can only go up and down the 14 stairs in my parents house once a day. It's been weeks since she's been able to drive.



She is very frustrated at her lack of mobility and her reliance on dad (who is being a superhero... I've never seen my dad so busy, able and generally cheery for her benefit)



Her day is filled with phonecalls and visits from well-wishers and family. She is pleasant and friendly with them, and enthusiastic to talk to them... but you can see it draining her...



I call round at inappropriate times (rolleyes smile ) to raid their fridge and make random chit chat. Amuse them with stories of foolish craziness. (Amuse/mild despair... one of the two)



She has become my 'short little fat lady'... because she's bimbling about, all slumped and bloated in a blue cardigan... trying to put a brave face on the horror of what she's going through. Fair play. She's like a little teddy bear.



The fear is creeping into their home, and mine. And there's not much we can do about it.



Occasionally she looks at me and I can see the fear in her eyes... and there's nothing I can do.



I've asked a shaman friend of mine, who my mum knows and likes, to come visit - I reckon he'll cheer her up a bit and give her some peace.



We still have so much to do and talk about. We haven't visited the funeral home yet, and I'm only three questions into the 12 I want to ask.



This probably all sounds a bit foolish and melodramatic, but it's a reflection on my mind that this actually makes me cry.



Mum doesn't know any of that, of course.



I seem to be developing completely seperate personalities... the one for friends, the one for parents, and the one that posts in this thread. This one should probably be private. In a diary somewhere. Because it's long past being appropriate for public reading (it's easy to forget that anyone else reads this).



I had a great time at the BJC last week, despite the extreme emotional rollercoaster I was on. Ended up sobbing on about 20 people (when they were all hungover and didn't need it) - and I don't even know all of them very well.



Le sigh...



I'm fed up.

I'm lonely.

And I've had enough.



Thank you everyone for your love and support, and it has made me feel better... but right now, nothings going to help.



To the six lovely Hopper friends who have shared with me their own personal experiences of family members leaving them... thank you. And I wish I could be as brave as you, and as dignified... but i can't.



I'm tired and I'm scared.

EDITED_BY: _Clare_ (1177071676)


Getting to the other side smile


jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:Clare,
you don't need to put on a brave face for your family, your friends. You're going through probably one of the hardest things that anyone will ever have to deal with.
Don't feel guilty. Please.

I have no words of comfort, I have nothing I can say or do that will make this situation any better.

Please know that I am ALWAYS here, I promise. I cry when I read this thread, I feel for you so much. I can't bear the thought of you alone feeling the way you do.

hug hug


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.


maiuki
maiuki

member
Location: Travelling
Member Since: 27th Dec 2005
Total posts: 51
Posted:Hey lovely lady!!

You are a human being!! Dont forguet about it!! You cant control everything, and you cant help others without helping yourself first. You are doing the best you can, and will always feel like isnt enough, but it is!!
Try to take it easy ( I know, is hard, but try!)
About feeling alone,..what can I say,..We are always alone, that isnt bad, the loneliness , thats the bad one!!
Enjoy with your family as much as you can, taking your space to get your strength back.
Be yourself and do what you feel!! You dont have to show anything to anyone!!
( My litlle tip; CRY!!!, afterwards feels much better) and tell your mum how much you love her.

Lots of love and hugs beautiful!!



Neon_Shaolin
Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Member Since: 13th Jul 2005
Total posts: 6120
Posted:Seriously Clare

This is one of the worst things, if not THE worst thing that can happen to anyone. Loss of a parent. So don't feel like you're a burden on anyone. Of course you can't work up the excitment for spinning or motivation for work. This is not melodramatic or foolish.

What I would say to you is that you and your mum shouldn't bottle things for each other's sake. If you need to cry in each other's company, do it. Being strong doesn't mean not crying. The bottling up of emotions will be more harmful in the long run. Being strong means allowing yourself a certain amount of 'weakness'.

I wish I was more accommodating when you were at your worst at BJC, but I wanted to let you know that if you did want to talk you were more than welcome. But I guess I was trying to put on a brave face for you as well and not trying to spoil your fun. Not very mature I know... But I'm not perfect.

Are you glad you went? I for was happy to meet you and I can now say that she is lucky to have a lovely beautiful daughter.

Have you spoken to work about maybe a slight career break? Because it'll definitely not benefitting you or them by being there if this is how you're feeling...

Don't hate yourself for having bad thoughts you might have. About other people not understanding your pain because they haven't lost their parents,being angry at your mum for leaving you, any negative emotion you have, let it out.a Express them, write them down, tell someone, problem shared, problem halved and all that blah... There is some truth in it. Don't suffer whilst feeling you're alone.

Don't feel like you're a burden to your friends or family. If you really DON'T want to burden them. Talk to a counsellor, who will not judge you and will know something about bereavement. But remember we ARE here for you.

And remember, your mother didn't raise you to waste your life worrying. Yes, you should be worried now, but please, don't worry alone.

Call me or anyone you feel comfortable with if you want to talk. hug hug hug


"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock


Durbs
Durbs

Classically British
Location: Epsom, Surrey, England
Member Since: 23rd Sep 2001
Total posts: 5687
Posted:ditto

I suck at compassionate posts and talking - but above is 100% what I think and try to convey in my poor way smile


Burner of Toast
Spinner of poi
Slacker of enormous magnitude


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:Jo hug thanks.



Maddi... hope you're well lady... it was lonely I meant. I've changed it. I can't control anything... that's half the problem. I know i don't have to show anyone anything... and I've been thinking about deleting this thread... or that rather dark post above... I still haven't because it's partly theraputic, and it's also interesting for me to see this journey.



If people get upset with what I write at this stage... well, you were warned pages ago that it would get tough... and what do you expect, with a title like that?



Dave hug thanks mister... you've been making me smile lots recently, with our talk of innuendo and smut... it's appreciated. And never worry about the BJC... you were grand.



Durbs... le sigh. You were one of the first English people I started being friends with on here... memories of you contacting in my purple pimp hat at Falmouth 3 smile You've been through (practically) all of my emotional amusement over the last couple of years (damn boys)... and you do not need to justify anything or apologise for anything... gaylord. Come visit me soon though hug


Getting to the other side smile


BansheeCat
veteran
Location: lost
Member Since: 29th Jul 2005
Total posts: 1247
Posted:Oh, I wish i could make it go away for you.

I know the dark places well, and it is fine to share yours hun. Let yourself be, whatever it is.You dont need to judge or question all your responses. However you are, as weak or confused or whatever--- is fine, it is as it is.

Reality is sometimes ugly, and we do just have to ride through it the best we can. Friends will forgive and understand any emotional lapses, and when one needs to take a break from supporting, chances are another will find a way to be there for you.

I have to admit, at the worst of it, nothing did help. I tried many many things. Eventually I gave up and just waited.Tried to avoid anything overtly self destructive. Eventually it got lighter, and easier.

the looks you catch in their eyes, the fear and emotional pain, well, those certainly can be haunting. I had to make a conscious effort to replace them with ones of joy, humour, love...

xoxoxo

wish I could just snuggle up and hold you a while, so you could cry safely in someones arms, and let yourself go. I hope you find a way to release some of this, so you can carry on...


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."


_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:hug2

ubbcrying

Andrea... no words darlin
xx


Getting to the other side smile


faith enfire
faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin
Member Since: 27th Jan 2006
Total posts: 3556
Posted:don't worry, it's natural, and I know that doesn't help but there it is.
you are being strong. you are making your way through a devastating event. and you keep going. that is strength despite the utter weakness you feel. feel as rotten as you want, it's your right
you mentioned that your dad is a superhero, and how much do you want to bet that your dad is struggling too
don't worry about posting here, we like to think we can help

hughughughughug


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed


fNi
fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York
Member Since: 8th Mar 2004
Total posts: 3354
Posted:I've got nothing to say. but you knew that already tongue

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more


Mr_Chutney
Mr_Chutney

Tosser
Location: Herefordshire
Member Since: 18th Apr 2003
Total posts: 1711
Posted:Hi Clare

As I am finding in a far less trying situation right now, its good to know you have people around you, thinking about you, there for you.

For what its worth, please add my name to that list.

David hug2



Icarus
member

Member Since: 30th Sep 2003
Total posts: 165
Posted:Don't know if a hug from a stranger will help Clare, but it's a very long list...
love, light and many supportive and warm thoughts coming to you from all over the world. I can picture them spiraling in towards you... so much love expressed for you here.
Thanks for being so incredibly open. It will help this community and all of the individuals that belong to it to see your strengths and your vulnerabilities. But its even better if its helping you to write it down. Do what you can for your mum, your family and yourself.

My thoughts are with you darlin

hug
Xox

love

xo


... simplify ...


mech
mech

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: "In your ear"
Member Since: 9th Jun 2003
Total posts: 6207
Posted:clare - i dont knwo you as well as others on this site, i wounldnt pretend to, i know that in the list of ppl to talk to, i may be low down

but trust me when i say to you, that you have so much love and respect on this site, not only for teh person you are, spinning wise, but for the brave and honarable way you are dealing with this life change.

to be honest with you, i have neevr lost a parent, i am very lucky, but i have lost many of my closest friends, and those hurt to.

i don't like to go into this, im not as brave, or strong as you, it still cuts very deep for me, but know that you are dealing wit this the best way.

you ARE an amazing young lady, and in these dark times you are seeking lights form your friends and allies to help you find your way.

always remember that there is places for you to run to, and places for you to stay while teh storm bashes you.

knwo you are not alone, even at 3am when you are awake and cant sleep, you are not alone.

you will never be alone, of that i promise you.

yous hould never be shamed, or feel you need to delet posts here, you are among friends, and a true firned wont judge you, but will offer support to you.

look at this thread, full of ppl offering you help, we all love you in different ways

i thank you for your hugs on sat night, i hope they helped in some small way, i wish like BansheeCat says, i coudl wrap you up in my lap, and let you pour your heart out untill you fell asleep.

i dont know what i can do to help you, but to listen, and to always tell you i will be roud of you no matter what lady,

i am proud of you, i am proud to know you, i am proud of your mother for raising you, i am proud of your dad for his strength, i am proud of your whole family.


you are amazing.


Step (el-nombrie)


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