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Forums > Social Discussion > teasing amoung friends and honesty

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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: London, UK

Total posts: 6942
Posted:im not sure if this has been posted before - i couldnt see it when i searched so im hoping its ok....

i was just wondering how people viewed teasing amoung friends.

when i say teasing i mean teasing - bullying is something all together different. the teasing i mean is the very viscous insults that go back and forth but arnt meant.

personnaly i think (certainly among blokes) its a bonding thing.

my main question is two fold - is it ok? and should other people 'butt in' (as in asking one party to stop 'bullying' the other etc)?


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newgabe
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

newgabe

what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
Location: Bali, Australia

Total posts: 4030
Posted: Written by: linden rathen



beth the fun part is finding the boundaries.. especially when they can change from day to day







Really? the fun part might be for YOU in finding the boundaries. For the other person to have you 'find' ie transgress the boundaries of how much of they can take of (what you yourself call) *very vicious insults* delivered *unmercifully* more likely feels invasive, hurtful and demeaning.



 Written by: linden rathen



my main gripe when people let it get to them - i have a friend at uni who i quite mercilessly tease and she teases me back - until one day when she practically broke down and i had to go into comfort mode







I am amazed that you seemed resentful that you had to go into 'comfort' mode one time with your friend, when you seem to expect her to go into 'punching bag' mode regularly for your amusement. Let's be clear here. Just because people (particularly girl people) respond to teasing with some attempt to play back doesn't mean they enjoy it or in any way benefit from it.



Perhaps she's just trying to relate to you at your level. Or avoid being insulted for "not having a sense of humour". Or not be made to look helpless and stupid in public. Or not tell you off and risk embarrassing you. Many reasons why she may 'tease back' if that's how you are known to go on.



But how wearying and annoying to have someone carry on like that at you all the time. Constant teasing just defines the relationship at a very, as NYC says, shallow level.



But fundamentally, even if she does enjoy it...if you resent caring for her when you've insulted her into having to 'practically break down', stop pretending you are her friend. In my opinion you owe this girl an apology and some indication you will try for a better quality relationship iun future. Humour is great. Try being funny without making it personal.



Honest enough for you?


.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....

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Gayle......!
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol !!!!!!, United Kingdom

Total posts: 2444
Posted:Reading this, the word "teasing" seems to mean different things...Teasing to me is light hearted funny comments which both parties laugh about and can see the funny side of but this thread seems to take teasing as insulting comments which although seem funny to one person can be misread by the other party.

shrug


Gayle.....!

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Dentrassi
GOLD Member since Apr 2003

Dentrassi

ZORT!
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 3044
Posted:well, i tend do enjoy alot of 'take the piss' style banter, but am usually pretty careful how far i push it with different people. It never gets to the offensive level - its more using my silly sense of humour rather than joking & insulting in a derogatory manner.
I certainly wouldnt call is teasing as such - to me the connotation of that word implies more of a one-sided high school bullying scenario

On occaison when i have perhaps pushed the limits too far with people who dont know me well enough yet - im usually pretty aware of that - (my brain says 'Ed, why dont you think before you speak sometimes!') and would diffuse any misunderstanding by making a massive joke against myself.

maybe thats why its always fun with my friends and family - we joke about ourselves as much as each other smile


"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.

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Winged Avenger
SILVER Member since May 2005

Winged Avenger

The official Emma Peel wannabe
Location: Colchester, England (UK)

Total posts: 226
Posted:This thread seems to be teasing among friends. My friends would know what i'm sensative about (which is probably a bit too much!) and would leave it.

I have recently started a new job and some colleagues break the ice by teasing which I understand as being an 'acceptable' way of being friendly. Sometimes though I do take it to heart and have to 'talk myself down' and remember its in jest. But the thing is thats my head and my heart in conflict and its quite hard to remember that but you have to, don't you?


"Always keep your bowler on in times of stress and watch out for diabolical masterminds" - Emma Peel

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Kieron
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

Member
Location: , United Kingdom

Total posts: 232
Posted:If you don't like something, tell whoever it is doing it that you don't like it and if their a friend they'll stop, it's nothing to get worked up over most of the time. I've met very few groups of friends who don't enjoy teasing each other quite consistently.

"I'm quite good at darts, though i often miss" - Kylie

"I'm not a bad driver, I just panic when theres other cars around" - Sarah

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Sethis
BRONZE Member since May 2005

Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University, United Kingdo...

Total posts: 1762
Posted:In school then me and my mates used to tease each other quite a lot, joking around whenever anyone said anything stupid.

Now I'm in Uni though, there is much less of it. My GF takes teasing quite personally so I almost never tease her, and my friends are so nice that I rarely tease them. We've had a couple of silly conversations carried to extremes e.g. extrapolating that one of my (male) friends is a lesbian at heart; but nothing more than that.

I think as you get more mature, you move onto different ways to bond, although of course you can always joke with your friends.

newgabe: Maybe what Sam was feeling was more confusion as to why the girl suddenly burst into tears when before she'd appeared perfectly fine with him teasing her a little. I know that if I'm not in the mood for joking around then I'll send enough signals to stop it. Maybe she wasn't sending the right signals. Maybe Sam wasn't paying enough attention. But I agree him that it's disconcerting when you think someone is in one mood then they just flip over into another emotional extreme... I'd be more worried than irritated, but I can see Sam's point of view.

Oh, and I second Gayle, teasing does seem to be viewed as an ambiguous word. I would substitute the word "Playing" but then that'd leave this thread far too open to innuendo wink


After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
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I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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TinklePants
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

TinklePants

Clique Infiltrator, Cunning Linguist and Master Debator
Location: Edinburgh burgh burrrrrr, Unit...

Total posts: 4217
Posted:I used to get teased alot by the Caecoedians (we lived on an estate back home called caecoed)

But to this day, i still dont know if it was in jest or not.

They called me "girl" and sent me to make coffees all the time. And always told me to "shut the f*** up" and that i was a dirty little wh*re when I told them my conquests from the night before.

I still wanted to be their friend tho so i stuck around.

Teasing is not a bad thing at all, as long as you know where not to overstep the line.


Always use "so's your face" and "only on Tuesdays" in as many conversations possible

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Hanz


Hanz

veteran
Location: Bendigo, Vic, Australia

Total posts: 1328
Posted:My ex and I used to muck around a lot, tease each other a lot, and so on... I could take it.
But at times he would do something and I would ask him to stop, and he would keep doing it, so I would get quite annoyed, and he would wonder why I got annoyed... asking someone to stop 5-10 times, SHOULD be enough.
or we'd be play fighting, and he would grab both my arms with one hand and keep playing, but I couldnt do anything, so Id head butt, and he'd get annoyed. Or I'd end up sitting to try to get him to drop me, and he'd end up sitting on me, holding both arms and "playfight" by then I really was helpless. I tried to keep on a happy face, but then I would have enough, get pissed off, and he think I was being too sensitive or whatever. Why I didnt get out of that relationship sooner, I dont know.. maybe I didnt think I could do better (seeing as after we broke up we were unofficially together until he disappeared off to other friends)


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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: London, UK

Total posts: 6942
Posted: Written by: linden rathen


beth the fun part is finding the boundaries.. especially when they can change from day to day




um that was meant sarcastically - sorry if that was unclear.

 Written by: linden rathen


my main gripe when people let it get to them - i have a friend at uni who i quite mercilessly tease and she teases me back - until one day when she practically broke down and i had to go into comfort mode




ok again this is another sentance written on a bad day - i dont resent going into comfort mode it was more of a surprise and please dont say punching bag - when i say mercilessly i tease her a lot - but she teases me a lot. it just irritated me that she wouldnt trust me enough to just turn around and ask me to stop (and yes before anyone else says it i know thats the definition of mercilessly)

either way i will not longer post in this thread - i posted it when i was having a very bad day ....


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