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Forums > Social Discussion > teasing amoung friends and honesty

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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

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Location: London, UK

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Posted:im not sure if this has been posted before - i couldnt see it when i searched so im hoping its ok....

i was just wondering how people viewed teasing amoung friends.

when i say teasing i mean teasing - bullying is something all together different. the teasing i mean is the very viscous insults that go back and forth but arnt meant.

personnaly i think (certainly among blokes) its a bonding thing.

my main question is two fold - is it ok? and should other people 'butt in' (as in asking one party to stop 'bullying' the other etc)?


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fNi
GOLD Member since Mar 2004

fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York

Total posts: 3354
Posted:nothin wrong with ripping on each other in good fun so long as both know its in jest

kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

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maus
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

maus

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Posted:I'm awful for teasing my friends,and i know i am.

However i also put effort into letting them know how much i care about them all the time aswell.
Because i think that although teasing among friends is fine as long as its only meant in jest,if its done too often it can start to be taken offensively even if the person knows its a joke,

And for example...i very rarely tease about personal issues...weight/appearance/job etc.
Because its always the more superficial things that hurt the most,even when its not meant that way.


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Gayle......!
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol !!!!!!

Total posts: 2444
Posted:ditto Maus.

I'm awful for it as well. I don't mean any harm and grew up in a male dominated environment and still work in one. I need to be able to cope with people teasing me and often tease people back without realising...But i love my friends to bits and tell them lots.


Gayle.....!

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Fine_Rabid_Dog


Internet Hate Machine
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Total posts: 10530
Posted: Written by: linden rathen


personnaly i think (certainly among blokes) its a bonding thing.




Uhhuh. That's the way I see it two. It's certainly the mentality we have around here at my school, anyways.

With guys, I find that I can be overly harsh, but I'm always told if I've overstepped the mark, and I'll apologise and stuff.

With girls I tend to be more careful. As long as there's giggling, its all good, but it sucks if they start to take it seriously. I don't think I've ever harshly teased a girl, but I think that's down to my gentleman-ly roots. wink


The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."

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Asena
GOLD Member since Aug 2005

Asena

What a Bummer
Location: Shatfield, Hertfordshire

Total posts: 3224
Posted:Teasing among friends is perfectly acceptable, and the better the friend the harsher you can be ubblol

I have a house mate he seems to think the best way to make friends is the teasing and bitchy route, needless to say, shes fairly lonely right now....

I love teasing tho, I have to put my mind to something, and if its ripping it out of people, then hell, I'm there biggrin


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Rozi
SILVER Member since Jan 2002

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Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

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Posted:It is a very Australian thing to tease your mates. As a rule of thumb, the more you like someone the ruder you are (kinda sounds like we are back to primary school crushes and hair pulling, doesn't it? wink ).

I know that people from overseas find it very confusing and sometimes very hurtful. Its something I really have to watch in myself to curb that behaviour when someone doesn't understand it or is hurt.


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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Pen Draven


Pen Draven

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Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 1363
Posted:Same here,, I'm a chronic tease with most people but theres never any malice involved,, i know once or twice I've gotten into it and forgotten that maybe the new person I've just met doesnt realise I'm playing,, but a quick apology and an explanation that its just me being me seems to sort things out.

Some men see things and say why....

I Dream of things that never were and say Why Not....?

Oh No I'm going to get Shot Alive if he finds out - DA wink

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Neon_Shaolin
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam

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Posted:The way I see it, within a group of friends, the more you like someone, the more attention you pay to them, this definitely includes taking the mickey. If someone is not as well liked they're more likely to be ignored so the mickey-taking should be seen as a sign that they are well liked.

But there are those who may have certain insecuries about themselves and/or their standing within a group and with take the good-natured jesting far too much to heart. These people may have a tendency to keep themselves to themselves in a group situation. Attempts to intergrate them into the group via this mickey-taking have had the adverse effect into making the person more withdrawn unbeknownst to the rest of the group if that person doesn't talk about it...

I'd say with this just be careful and know that those you are ripping the p**s out of are more than capable of dishing it back out...


"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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Hanz


Hanz

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Location: Bendigo, Vic, Australia

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Posted:I pick on some of my friends all the time, some more than others... we can get really personal at times, but it's all in good fun. Also, we make sure to pick on ourselves at the same time, whether it be in first or third person.. "gee, that Hanz chick, what a loser!"

Some people don't take it well, like, I always muck around with one of my mates, and his girlfriend gets really offended that I bag him so much, but she has known me for about 3 years longer than I have known this mate.


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Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh

Total posts: 4145
Posted:if I may quote...

"Better to lose a friend than to miss a punchline."

(ummm. not really, but good friends usually either understand it, or tell you off and you can explain. No good friend will just stop talking to you smile)


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

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Posted:I tease a lot but I always make sure that the friends I am doing it with (as it usually is a two way teasing with myself and my friends) know that I am joking.

I have had a couple of teasing conversations in my life where it got kinda too personal and started getting harder to take what the person speaking was saying as a joke.

I know I also have been know to get a bit carried away in these types of jovial conversations....

But there are certain friends that I know I could never carry this type of conversatino with, you have to know which ones will only take offense to this kind of playing around and which ones won't.

I don't see a problem with it at all....as for people butting in....there isn't much you can do about it...soemtimes people do it as a form of trying to get into the fun though...


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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

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Posted:my thinking is roughly the same

with new people i try and make a point of joking around that im mean when i first meet then so they know im just taking the mickey (very little of what i say is serious)

it just seems lately ive been overstepping boundries i didnt know were there - more often than not with people who werent being teased telling me to stop teasing someone - the person im teasing teases me back and i hope it doesnt look serious

hmmm i dunno

i think im just grouchy today and having a rant has helped remove some of that - i suppose 6 hours sleep accounts for that


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Fine_Rabid_Dog


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Posted:"it just seems lately ive been overstepping boundries i didnt know were there - more often than not with people who werent being teased telling me to stop teasing someone - the person im teasing teases me back and i hope it doesnt look serious "


oooooh.... this sounds rather familiar. biggrin


The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."

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_Aime_
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

_Aime_

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Posted:Sorry Sam, but like I said to you, after Clapham "So whats going on?",Mums wedding "So, He your boyfriend?" and then several comments in intro's, starts to grind a little.

And because of the situation me and him are currently in, comments like that tend to make me feel..well a little 'whore' ish shrug



But that aside, you've to me about this before and I never have quite understood it.

I wouldn't call insulting people a way to 'bond'. I bond by chatting and touch, although I guess 'You complete idiot!' *smack* could be interprated as chatting and touch ubblol

EDITED_BY: Aime (1147875877)


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newgabe
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

newgabe

what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
Location: Bali

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Posted:I don't like it. I think most of the time teasing is a cheap and nasty form of humour that takes unnecessary risks with other peoples feelings. I've seen so many people be hurt and then insulted sorry...*teased*... cos they object to being insulted! I got a *teasing* card from my husband once and that was pretty much it for the marriage.



Someone is rude to me now they're out of my life quicksmart.

If they call it humour I just think they're not very funny and go hang with people who are. Like the people I live with. We had an hilarious pun session last night, much funnier than 'personal' jokes. There is one mate I have an occasional 'teasy' thing with but it is like an absurd satire on how self-deprecating she is, and always done to absurdity with lots of laughs.



Interesting that comment someone made about people'going quiet'. I am very outgoing and verbally very fast. But if someone is rude or *teasing* I just would rather not be in the same conversation.



I have appreciated the 'bloke' bonding thing though when a boyfriend I had (who could be really rough verbally) was with a mate of his. Two big blokes being mean as hell to each other and it really was funny. I realised how much it cramped his style that he had to watch what he said to me cos I objected instead of being amused. Now he's an ex but we still get on. He is really nice to me these days but I rip into him sometimes cos he seems to like it. Weird. Beat me baby.


.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....

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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

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Posted:Sometimes I tease and despise myself for it afterwards when I think about it, but other times its part of being friends with certain people.
Often the teasing is a simple catch word to remind the person of a funny thing and when its returned I feel warm and part of an old friendship.

Viscious teasing I cant handle. Even when both parties seem to be enjoying it it makes me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I will voice it in those terms "that makes me uncomfortable" and I do the same when people bickering gets nasty.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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newgabe
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

newgabe

what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
Location: Bali

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Posted:Funny you say that Gnor cos actually we tease each other a bit sometimes on MSN eh. When we're not paranoidly cleaning the oven to fill our sad and lonely lives... wink hug

.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....

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oli
SILVER Member since Jul 2003

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Location: bristol/ southern eastern devo...

Total posts: 2052
Posted:i think people just like to take the piss... kinda tests the boundries of your friendship. lets you know what is and isnt acceptable which means you get to know each other better.after all if you never overstep the boundrys you never gonna find out what they are. ive been upset by friends calling me names... not so much any more.. but a while ago, and you generally get over it, and remain friends in the end when you sit down and realise it was nothing serious.

Me train running low on soul coal
They push+pull tactics are driving me loco
They shouldn't do that no no no

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newgabe
SILVER Member since Mar 2005

newgabe

what goes around comes around. unless you're into stalls.
Location: Bali

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Posted:Yeah I can hear what you'r saying Oli.. and I think there are some genuine personality differences about that. Lots of people like taking the piss. I can for sure, I'm fast and often funny. I just try not too...unless I know I am really really on safe ground with someone already. And once I am offended by someone I rarely am their friend again.

.....Can't juggle balls but I sure as hell can juggle details....

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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

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Location: Telford, Shrops

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Posted:I am always mean to Sym, as you know I'm always posting in his thread and taking the piss out of him. I really hope he doesn't mind or take it to heart. I love my Sym to bits, I think he's top of the top trumps and he makes me feel like a million mars bars ubblove But I mean, if he happens to look like Jesus, I'm going to be nasty aren't I!? tongue
Seriously, I think teasing is ok, but you've got to be tactful when you do it. For example, if i was with Sym and I saw that he was in a rubbish mood, I'm much more likely to give him a big hug and a kiss and ask if he's ok, rather than say "what's up, mr baldy chin?" wink


Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

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Posted:hmmm i try to only tease people when they're in a good mood

my main gripe when people let it get to them - i have a friend at uni who i quite mercilessly tease and she teases me back - until one day when she practically broke down and i had to go into comfort mode

i tease a lot of people and i always do it light heartedly - it just irritates me when they go along with it suddenly attack me for it

i dunno i suppose it just comes down to honesty - id much rather people come out and tell me to shut up or talk about something else hmmmmmm

maybe i should have added a poll......

personnally i think teasing is fun but then again i am a git


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Neon_Shaolin
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

Neon_Shaolin

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Posted:The thing is Sam if they're feeling vulnerable enough to be a bit too sensitive to some friendly teasing then they're quite likely to feel that they would been seen as a killjoy or at worst lose your friendship were they to say anything. But having done so and by letting you continue it does get a much much and they would snap...

Instead of feeling irritated just remember there is a time and a place. And people take this sort of thing differently. Maybe there was something bugging your friend and your otherwise harmless exchange was just mistimed...


"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

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Location: London, UK

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Posted:this is true

i think im just feeling generally irritated today

it just annoys me when people arent honest with me - makes life so much easier


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jo_rhymes
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops

Total posts: 4525
Posted:i guess. Sometimes the truth hurts though.

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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Beth


Beth

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Location: Cornwall & Oxford

Total posts: 1262
Posted:I tease my friends loads but i never say things that are really offensive for instance, a good friend of mine is overweight and we can trade insults for hours, always in jest, but i would never make a joke out of her weight because i know shes sensitive about it.

My now very ex boyfriend, took the trading insults to the extreme. I can take a lot of verbal abuse because i can dish it out but he used to say things that were totally out of order and really cruel and hurtful. I told him that certain things really offended me and could he please not use them to insult me, like i *hate* when people call me stupid. This guy would just ignore that and wouldnt even recognise when he did offend someone. In fact, he even had the nerve to say that it was my own fault i got offended because i was too sensitive. Thats when the relationship ended smile It wasnt what he said so much as the fact that he didnt realise or care when he offended someone, especially me, which is strange as i was his girlfriend umm

The point im trying to make is that trading insults, teasing and generally being a git is fine, especially when the other person/people can give as good as they get but be sensitive to their feelings. Know the boundaries of what you can and cant joke about and always apologise if you have hurt someones feelings, whether you intended to or not. You dont want to lose friends over an insult made in jest so be careful.


Aim high and you'll know your limits, aim low and you'll never know how high you could have climbed.

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Spanner
BRONZE Member since Feb 2003

Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
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Posted:The number of people whom I don't mind teasing me past a certain extent is very small. I think that most of them are HoPers probably because they're the people who know me best and therefore know how to tease me without hurting me smile

I sometimes tease people but only rarely and not severely. Even if someone were to do so to me I don't think I'd perceive that as a licence to treat them similarly.


"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

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linden rathen
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

linden rathen

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Posted:beth the fun part is finding the boundaries.. especially when they can change from day to day



note



just a general point this is ***not*** an attack/rant/vent aimed at or towards anyone on hop just in case people had got that impression

EDITED_BY: linden rathen (1147901694)


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TinyPixie
SILVER Member since Apr 2006

TinyPixie

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Location: in the clouds...

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Posted:Hey sweetie! here, have a hug hug I hope you feel
better today. On the subject of teasing, I guess I agree with most people here that teasing is fine as long as it's not directed at only 1 person all the time, and as long as it's not about anything that person feels particularly self-conscious about, or has asked not to be teased about.

For example... my ex used to tease people, particularly me, a little too often and once he decided to tease me mercilessly about something i had told him i was embarrassed about that morning. However, he thought it would be "hilarious" to take the piss out of me about that same thing in front of his mates (not the best idea). By this time our relationship was already on the rocks, and I took the teasing so badly i threw half a glass of milk at him. The funniest thing was watching him blink incredulously and say: "really, sometimes i wonder whether you're sane" umm!!

But anyway, as Dave said, ur friend was probably just having a rough day for other reasons which just made them more sensitive, I know i have those days, poor Tommy ends up taking the brunt frown It's always the people you love the most that we snap at or get upset with so don't worry about it love hug kiss

And yes, it IS so much easier when people just let you know if you've insulted/hurt them, but never mind.

See you soon babe hug


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wonderloey


wonderloey

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Location: Melbourne - home of pirates

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Posted:Hmm.. considering that with my friends, "teasing" is not only verbal but physical as well - yup, we beat each other up on a regular basis. Of course we piss each other off on a regular basis, but we have sufficient trust and respect for each other to back off when it occurs.

I'd never beat up or insult someone I've just met. In fact, when my flatmate and my brand new gf started beating each other up, I realised she was a keeper.

Honesty is good. So is reading signals.. If someone doesn't look like they are enjoying it... STOP IT YOU GOOSE...


"You've gone from Loey the Wonder Lesbian to everyone wondering if you are a lesbian." - Shadowman

Yesterday is yesterday. If we try to recapture it, we will only lose tomorrow.

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NYC


NYC

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Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted:I've found it really important to see what amount of the relationship is based on teasing.

If there are relationships in which the only communication is teasing then I think the relationship is shallow. Which PERHAPS is why it's a 'guy thing'.

I find that it's important for me, in my very close relationships, NOT to tease all that much. It just has an underlying negativity to it.

Of course, with such an international crowd it's easy to misunderstand the boundaries unless you know someone very well. And even then, it's possible to misjudge a mood or openness to teasing at a given time.


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Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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