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Forums > Social Chat > (Rant) Being asked "Are you gay?"

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Domino
UnNatural Scientist - Currently working on a Breville-legged monkey
Location: Bath Uni or Shrewsbury, UK
Member Since: 26th May 2004
Total posts: 757
Posted:Right....



Disclaimer - I'm a tad (ha) worse for drink than usual which has made me shorter of temperament than usual.



Tonight, not for the first time, I've been asked "Are you gay?" for being more eloquent/intelligent(?) than those around me.



I won't deny it, when I'm asked something like this or when I feel that someone's "predijouses" [[ I have no idea on the spelling of this - beliefs based on sterotypes]] merits it I will pretend to be more "gay" than I actually am.



But still, it makes me wonder. Are homosexual men (I can't really apply this to women) more elloquent that average? Or is that you women expect us heterosexual men to communicate in grunts and arm motions?



I'm not .. no, yes, I *am* offended, not because some one is questioning my sexuality but because someone is questioning my sexuality BECAUSE OF THE WORDING I CHOOSE TO USE.



So, as ineloquently as I can put this, with added arm motions, WHAT THE censored IS GOING ON? Why is it that when I use more syllables than expected or (heaven forbid,) logic my sexuality is in question?







Just to clarify, I have a girlie friend that I love dearly and, as far as I can tell, understands me (or is at least willing to listen and learn) so this is by no means a rant against the female race as a whole, just that section of it that I keep seeming to run into. Neither is this any kind of anti-homosexual thing. Maybe I'm a "Masculinist" but I object, just a tad, to this idea that heterosexual men are nothing but sperm donors/toys/objects of amusement that seems to be so prevalent in the (at least British) media these days.



Further disclaimer - Yes I'm angry. Yes I'm drunk. Apologies or further explanations may appear tomorrow.


Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can beat the world into submission.

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L0s3r_r@v3r
L0s3r_r@v3r

enthusiast
Location: Swansea, Ma (US)
Member Since: 17th May 2005
Total posts: 274
Posted:lol well i'm gay.. and i'm like every other straight man.. untill i wana be like the steriotypicaly gay man.. but that's just for kicks and giggles

You know what I'm thinking about right now? That's right, Tacos!

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Rozi
100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Member Since: 11th Jan 2002
Total posts: 2996
Posted:I met a very cool guy the other day. He is tall red-headed semi-goth with very long hair. He has a tendency to wear entirely black, plus a big black hat, and he speaks very quietly and eloquently.



People usually ask him first whether he is jewish, then when he says no ask whether he is gay.



It makes no sense whatsoever. Just like the quiet unassuming friend of mine who keeps getting asked whether he is a karate expert. People just have a picture in mind based on dress, speech patterns, intelligence, whatever.



We all use these stereotypes to a certain extent. But it truly reflects on the intelligence of the speaker when they are not able to evaluate whether those stereotypes have any truth to them.



Ignore it, hun. Its their prejudice, and their problem. Who cares if they think you are gay? Its not an insult, and you are not trying to bed them. And at least you know for sure that they think you are smart wink


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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The Misguided Oracle
The Misguided Oracle

the floor is a sea of tigers...
Location: Brisvegas
Member Since: 31st Aug 2005
Total posts: 404
Posted:at least you don't get groped by a gay men then get asked if you're gay

"My body is a well tuned machine... It just needs a competent driver." - ?

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fNi
fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York
Member Since: 8th Mar 2004
Total posts: 3354
Posted:as kyrian, can attest, i've been checked out when we were walking.... and it wasn't even the village (in NYC)

in fact, in a class 2 years ago, one of the flamboyantly gay types was, between my mates and myself, we're pretty sure trying to hit on me and another of my friends in the class...

why?!?!

in the case in point, from last week, i'm fairly certain i wasn't being eloquent...maybe (for you) its just that whoever asked thought you were cute shrug


kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

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Sethis
Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University
Member Since: 16th May 2005
Total posts: 1762
Posted:Never been called gay for being eloquent... but I have been called gay for my hair umm

Not sure how you would work out that someone is gay from the way they talk... I mean, even the stereotype of gay talking is just how the Southerners converse tongue wink ubbangel


After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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Domino
UnNatural Scientist - Currently working on a Breville-legged monkey
Location: Bath Uni or Shrewsbury, UK
Member Since: 26th May 2004
Total posts: 757
Posted:'Twas a girl that asked. rolleyes



I didn't take it as insult, it's just one of those moments where you smack your forehead and wonder about the kind of person you're dealing with.



- - Dominio has been visited by the hangover fairy this morning - -





Edit: Possibly should have made it more obvious in the first post that it was a girl...

EDITED_BY: Domino (1140872306)


Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can beat the world into submission.

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jo_rhymes
jo_rhymes

Momma Bear
Location: Telford, Shrops
Member Since: 10th Apr 2005
Total posts: 4525
Posted:When i had short hair people werent sure whether i was a boy or girl! hahaha

Hoppers are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted:they still aren't jo hehe tongue

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:when i am out with my gay friend we are frequently called "girls" or "ladies". needless to say, Ian gets insanely mad and I generally have to hold him back from saying mean things to the unaware but offending person.

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted:i've been chatted up a few times by guys ( waits for asena to say something about this)

i find it hard to decline their offers with out being offencive. it's only happened twice but looking back on it is pretty funny because i was so drunk at the time i have no idea what i saidubblol


well i didn't end up with a black eye or 5 tucked behind my ear (old joke about wine) so it could'nt of been too bad biggrin


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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:Heehee, always entertaining to read drunken rants biggrin

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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tillymoo
tillymoo

member
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 26th Sep 2005
Total posts: 107
Posted:wave i have a habit of being attracted to gay men before i work out that they're gay, umm so i have, on occasion, asked someone i was developing a crush on because it happen more often than not!!! redface maybe it was just a case of that?

"A Thnead's a fine thing that all people need"
Dr Suess

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Asena
Asena

What a Bummer
Location: Shatfield, Hertfordshire
Member Since: 22nd Aug 2005
Total posts: 3224
Posted:Written by: The Misguided Oracle

at least you don't get groped by a gay man then get asked if you're gay



Sounds like my method redface


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The Misguided Oracle
The Misguided Oracle

the floor is a sea of tigers...
Location: Brisvegas
Member Since: 31st Aug 2005
Total posts: 404
Posted:well, Asena. if i ever meet you, promise that you won't grope me ok smile

dammit, why can't i get cute girls groping me instead :P hahahaah


"My body is a well tuned machine... It just needs a competent driver." - ?

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Elzibelles
member
Location: Norwich, UK
Member Since: 5th Feb 2006
Total posts: 37
Posted:I agree that there does seem to be a general censensus that the more eloquent, intellingent, polite and sensitive a guy is the more someone would assume he's gay. This has happened a number of times to my boyfriend and I even thought he might be gay when I first met him because of his eloquence, intelligence etc... (Obviously I have now firmly established that he's not.)

Is this not more a reflection on straight men and the way they treat women (as it does appear to be women who jump to the conclusion that intelligent and nice = gay). Perhaps women are so used to dealing with neandathols who eat their own toe nails, speak in grunts and fart after sex that meeting a nice, brainy, well spoken and gentle guy leads them to the natural conclusion that he must be playing for the other team.

Anyway, stereotypes don't work. I know a lesbian who is the most pretty, feminine and sweet girl you'll ever meet. Not a doc martin or pair of dungerees in sight. You just can't make assumptions about people based on their mannerisms anymore. Maybe we should start wearing badges or something. ubblove


The world is a park. Go play in it. x x x

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Domino, I don't get it at all...

But maybe it's "wishdar." You're cute. Maybe someone HOPES you're gay? *wiggles eyebrows*

(Yes, leave it to Lightning to manage to hit on someone during a serious conversation biggrin )


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Asena
Asena

What a Bummer
Location: Shatfield, Hertfordshire
Member Since: 22nd Aug 2005
Total posts: 3224
Posted:And you hit on him? *jealous*

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Patriarch917
Patriarch917

I make my own people.
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Member Since: 2nd Oct 2005
Total posts: 607
Posted:Written by: Rozi


People usually ask him first whether he is jewish, then when he says no ask whether he is gay.




I get asked whether I am Jewish all the time. I also get called gay all the time (mostly on video game forums).


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Igirisujin
Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston
Member Since: 10th Jul 2005
Total posts: 2666
Posted:lol patriarch

Well Domino in my experiance, all the staight people I know are simply afraird to be too elaquent in public so they play down there inteligence and use as few words as they can (within reason). Words/phrases like 'heaven forbid' scare them. the camp-gay people I know use words like 'heaven forbid' alot. I suppose its something that other people have noticed and its stuck as a sterio type.


Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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Sethis
Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University
Member Since: 16th May 2005
Total posts: 1762
Posted:You mean if I'm this:

Written by: Elzibelles

nice, brainy, well spoken and gentle guy




Then I can't do this?

Written by: Elzibelles

fart after sex




Damn. Trust me to get it wrong... tongue ubblol ubblol


After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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psy
newbie

Member Since: 28th Jan 2006
Total posts: 4
Posted:^^ haha

people seem to have to classify people, judge them and put them into categories

i hate being asked if straight or gay..because i havn't actually classified myself as either..
i cant walk through the city holding hands with one of my 'girl' - friends without having lesbian comments thrown our way
*sigh*


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Domino
UnNatural Scientist - Currently working on a Breville-legged monkey
Location: Bath Uni or Shrewsbury, UK
Member Since: 26th May 2004
Total posts: 757
Posted:*Saucy wink towards Lightning*

Seriously though, this time it was a girl that asked me in an accusatory tone. When I asked what made her think that I might be she (through grunts and arm motions) said it was something to do with the way I talk...


Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand and I can beat the world into submission.

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Igirisujin
Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston
Member Since: 10th Jul 2005
Total posts: 2666
Posted:lol dont fight it, embrace the gay side ubbrollsmile

Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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Nephtys
Nephtys

resident fridge magnet
Location: Utrecht, The Netherlands
Member Since: 3rd Oct 2002
Total posts: 835
Posted:Written by: jo_rhymes

When i had short hair people werent sure whether i was a boy or girl! hahaha



Jo, I just had a look at your photo gallery, and !?!?!? Was it mainly blind people who were unsure?

.... or, are you the one with the beard in the 'me and sym' photo? ubblol


everyone's unique except me

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misscorinthian
misscorinthian

old hand
Location: Bristol
Member Since: 27th Sep 2005
Total posts: 784
Posted:I think questions like this are really rude and actually quite offensive. Most of the time (in my experience) they are not asked by someone being curious (and why is it anyones business anyway??) but by someone saying it in an accusatory tone as Domino said. I feel they are basically saying "are you gay?- or just rather camp/feminine/polite etc.?"

It's like saying to someone, "are you pregnant or just fat?"

When I was at school I was continually asked "are you anorexic?" basically because I was a bit skinny. I found it really upsetting. Why do people feel the need to ask these questions? What do they gain out of it- satisfaction of their curiosity, but at risk of really offending someone?

(Off topic) On the sexuality thing, why does everybody have to be labelled and slotted into some sort of pigeon hole? In the media I see stuff all the time like "Sarah is a 32 year old lesbian from York" when the persons sexuality has nothing to do with anything....they would never put "Sarah is a 32 year old heterosexual from York". There you go, I have found a link- I blame the media, for constantly stating peoples sexuality, therefore people feel the need to know....maybe??

I'm going to go sit in a darkened room now and practice deep breathing.......


XLenX

Devoted although mostly absent owner of the 1, the original... Asena

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Tao Star
Tao Star

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol
Member Since: 30th May 2003
Total posts: 1662
Posted:ugh, it's just all about generalisations which are a very dangerous thing.

i know gay men that are partucularly eloquent (er, try oscar wild). i also know one in particular who is a total moron, and couldn't string 2 words together.

it's a stereotype that straight men grunt, just like they don' feel emotions and can't cook. what a big fat load of rubbish basically. people are people, they are all different and anyone who tells you that you have to be something, anything, can just go stick their head in a pig.

so there. smile


I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.

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Mr_Chutney
Mr_Chutney

Tosser
Location: Herefordshire
Member Since: 18th Apr 2003
Total posts: 1711
Posted:This is where that terribly post modern expression of the 'metrosexual' man comes to mind.

Incidentally, I am often asked/ accused of being gay. Aside from the having sex with men, I usually take the other inferences as complimentary smile


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Asena
Asena

What a Bummer
Location: Shatfield, Hertfordshire
Member Since: 22nd Aug 2005
Total posts: 3224
Posted:Written by: misscorinthian

I think questions like this are really rude and actually quite offensive.



I guess its only offensive if your not gay... cos people ask me and the reply is... you only just noticed?! I never get offended by it, unless they follow it up with some abuse... ubblol


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Tao Star
Tao Star

Pooh-Bah
Location: Bristol
Member Since: 30th May 2003
Total posts: 1662
Posted:i think the offence is not in the question 'are you gay', but in the assumption that a straight guy could never be as eloquent/arty/well dressed/in touch with their feelings etc etc as a gay guy is.

I had a dream that my friend had a
strong-bad pop up book,
it was the book of my dreams.

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misscorinthian
misscorinthian

old hand
Location: Bristol
Member Since: 27th Sep 2005
Total posts: 784
Posted:The offense is not in what you are being accused of, but the way you are being accused and the fact that these are personal issues.

XLenX

Devoted although mostly absent owner of the 1, the original... Asena

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