Forums > Social Chat > 11 facts about chuck norris

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S3KnoTBRONZE Member
NomadicRhythmSimulator
204 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
check this out ubblol

1. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.

Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

* Crop circles are Chuck Norris way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, Two seconds til. After you ask, Two seconds til what? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldnt stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

* Chuck Norris doesnt churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

* The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris fist.

* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, Thats no glitch.

* The opening scene of the movie Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!

* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earths atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks arent the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse horses are hung like Chuck Norris

* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb.

* If you say Chuck Norris name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

* Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

* Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

* As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

* Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a Who has more testicles? contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

ubblol

Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...


mediterraneanfruitsaladBRONZE Member
Member
52 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia


Posted:
lol you have GOT to be kidding - TOO FUNNY clap

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows


pineapple peteSILVER Member
water based
5,125 posts
Location: melbourne, Australia


Posted:
when chuck norris jumps into a pool, he doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck norris

"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"

*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*


mediterraneanfruitsaladBRONZE Member
Member
52 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia


Posted:
LMAO damn ubblol where do all these chuck norris jokes come from?

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows


Posted:
If you do a search for them on google, you'll find tons of them.

Cheers!
Patrick

mediterraneanfruitsaladBRONZE Member
Member
52 posts
Location: Melbourne, Australia


Posted:
lol and now its the badger-mushroom-snake site. put the snake in your avatar as well!

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows


doctor_fandangoGOLD Member
co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
761 posts
Location: in the corner beside the filing cabinets, 2nd floo...


Posted:
when chuck norris does push ups, he doesnt lift himself up , he pushes the world away.

There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,

"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005


shoshanahSILVER Member
enthusiast
232 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom


Posted:
lol thats great chuck norris is 100% bad ass

life is what you make it and what you want it to be


SethisBRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom


Posted:
He also appears HERE

Click "Watch this Movie" and laugh so hard you fall off your chair.

Those jokes above are pretty freaking good as well, congrats to SeKnoT for improving my day! smile

After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.


BaccoryBRONZE Member
member
126 posts
Location: Arana Hills, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia


Posted:
Since 1940 the year when chuck norris was born, round house kick related deaths have increased 10,000%

S3KnoTBRONZE Member
NomadicRhythmSimulator
204 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
Nice, im glad i could put smiles on faces....... Ive seen that ultimate showdown flash... So good, made me laugh so much, but nothing gets me like the old classic;
MARIO TWINS....

Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...


PyroWillGOLD Member
HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
4,437 posts
Location: Staines, United Kingdom


Posted:
Bllody brilliant biggrin thanks for these jokes ubblol

I however have never seen a Chuck norris film frown

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian


Posted:
I remember hearing Chuck Norris comment on David Carradine (star of Kung Fu on tv), that he was as good a Martial Artist as Chuck was an actor. wink

Honestly Will, you haven't missed much! Just my opinion.

LemonkeyStalking amidst the desert, carrying an oversized scalpel...
1,019 posts
Location: Huddersfield + Hull Uni... UK.


Posted:
I hate all this recent hype about Chuck Norris, I've seen so many YTMND webpages regarding him that it's just gone silly.

Willy - is bad for your health...


_Aime_SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom


Posted:
I dont even know who he is.. shrug ubblol

animatEdBRONZE Member
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK


Posted:
Will... you must have seen Bruce Lee's Way of the Dragon...

Chuck Norris is one of the baddies in that...

Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.


S3KnoTBRONZE Member
NomadicRhythmSimulator
204 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
Recent hype... This stuff is classic gold, been round or ages. Maybe its becoming more frequent because he is coming back? he stopped doing walker texas ranger to raise kids or something, but now he's back...

Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...


peteyboySILVER Member
Member
38 posts
Location: Worcester, United Kingdom


Posted:
sethis-where did you find that video? it rocks! biggrin

Dream as is you will live forever, live as if you will die today.


LemonkeyStalking amidst the desert, carrying an oversized scalpel...
1,019 posts
Location: Huddersfield + Hull Uni... UK.


Posted:
Written by: Aime


I dont even know who he is.. shrug ubblol





Non-Https Image Link


You must have seen this chappy before.

Willy - is bad for your health...


animatEdBRONZE Member
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK


Posted:
eek AAAAHHHH!!! *runs and hides from that picture above*

Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.


KaelGotRiceGOLD Member
Basu gasu bakuhatsu - because sometimes buses explode
1,584 posts
Location: Angel's Landing, USA


Posted:
yeah, older than internets.

It's making a real comeback because Chuck Norris has become the God of online gaming nerds, namely WoW and any game by blizzard.

hahah

To do: More Firedrums 08 video?
Wildfire/US East coast fire footage
LA/EDC glow/fire footage
Fresno fire

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ubbrollsmile.gif" alt="" />


_Aime_SILVER Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
4,172 posts
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom


Posted:
Written by: Lemonkey


You must have seen this chappy before.




confused

Nope.

DutSILVER Member
lurker
380 posts
Location: Nashville, TN, USA


Posted:
Mr. T pities the fool who hero-worships Chuck Norris. :P (don't make me start another repost thread!!)

-- dut

SethisBRONZE Member
Pooh-Bah
1,762 posts
Location: York University, United Kingdom


Posted:
It's because everyone who plays WoW has seen the "Ultimate Showdown" and thinks it rocks so hard!

Newgrounds is a great site... check out the "Madness" series if you like gratuitous catoon violence devil

After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.


DuncGOLD Member
playing the days away
7,263 posts
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingdom


Posted:
Written by: Lemonkey


Written by: Aime


I dont even know who he is.. shrug ubblol





Non-Https Image Link


You must have seen this chappy before.





That isn't a picture of Chuck Norris, that's him wrapping HoP around himself! biggrin

Let's relight this forum ubblove


shoshanahSILVER Member
enthusiast
232 posts
Location: london, United Kingdom


Posted:
clap clap clap clap clap ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol nice one Dunc

life is what you make it and what you want it to be


DentrassiGOLD Member
ZORT!
3,044 posts
Location: Brisbane, Australia


Posted:
so is this guy the new David Hasselhoff?

"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.


DutSILVER Member
lurker
380 posts
Location: Nashville, TN, USA


Posted:
Written by: Dentrassi


so is this guy the new David Hasselhoff?




hahahaha. not exactly. i guess "paul bunyan" doesn't translate real well tho.

and if chuck norris were at the berlin wall, it only would have taken one roundhouse kick to turn the whole thing into a pile of the finest tourist sized prepackaged rubble. and he wouldn't have sang about it later...

ooh. chuck norris vs. brian boytano vs. a grizly bear.
FIGHT!

-- dut

arashiPooh-Bah
2,364 posts
Location: austin,tx


Posted:
chuck norris studied under bruce lee as a youth, made schwarzenegger style bad acting action movies, and now sells excercise equipment on tv, for those of you who don't know who he is.

-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.


animatEdBRONZE Member
1 + 1 = 3
3,540 posts
Location: Bristol UK


Posted:
Written by: arashi


chuck norris studied under bruce lee as a youth [...]




That'll be why Bruce Lee defeated Chuck in 'Way of the Dragon' then... wink

Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.


TheBovrilMonkeySILVER Member
Liquid Cow
2,629 posts
Location: High Wycombe, England


Posted:
I've just looked at the wikipedia entry for Chuck Norris - It's got this sign:

Written by:


This page has been temporarily protected from editing to deal with vandalism.





Closely followed by this
Written by:


This article is about the actual person. For the jokes, see Chuck Norris Facts.





I wonder if that's a co-incidence biggrin

But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.


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