Forums > Social Chat > 11 facts about chuck norris

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S3KnoT
BRONZE Member since Oct 2005

S3KnoT

NomadicRhythmSimulator
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 204
Posted:check this out ubblol

1. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.

Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

* Crop circles are Chuck Norris way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, Two seconds til. After you ask, Two seconds til what? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldnt stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

* Chuck Norris doesnt churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

* The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris fist.

* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, Thats no glitch.

* The opening scene of the movie Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!

* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earths atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks arent the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse horses are hung like Chuck Norris

* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb.

* If you say Chuck Norris name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

* Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

* Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

* As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

* Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a Who has more testicles? contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

ubblol


Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...

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mediterraneanfruitsalad
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

Member
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 52
Posted:lol you have GOT to be kidding - TOO FUNNY clap

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows

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pineapple pete
SILVER Member since Sep 2004

pineapple pete

water based
Location: melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 5125
Posted:when chuck norris jumps into a pool, he doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck norris

"you know there are no trophys for doing silly things in real life yeah pete?" said ant "you wont get a 'listened to ride of the valkyries all the way to vietnam' trophy"

*proud owner of the very cute fire_spinning_angel, birgit and neon shaolin*

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mediterraneanfruitsalad
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

Member
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 52
Posted:LMAO damn ubblol where do all these chuck norris jokes come from?

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows

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Posted:If you do a search for them on google, you'll find tons of them.

Cheers!
Patrick


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mediterraneanfruitsalad
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

Member
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 52
Posted:lol and now its the badger-mushroom-snake site. put the snake in your avatar as well!

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows

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doctor_fandango
GOLD Member since Jul 2004

doctor_fandango

co-director of A.C.B.I.S.H.A.
Location: in the corner beside the filin...

Total posts: 761
Posted:when chuck norris does push ups, he doesnt lift himself up , he pushes the world away.

There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1, There's no place like 127.0.0.1,

"in most of our friends we're the hippies. but we have hippie friends of our own.. its like a dog having its own pet" - H. Sinoquet 19-03-2005

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shoshanah
SILVER Member since Nov 2005

shoshanah

enthusiast
Location: london, United Kingdom

Total posts: 232
Posted:lol thats great chuck norris is 100% bad ass

life is what you make it and what you want it to be

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Sethis
BRONZE Member since May 2005

Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University, United Kingdo...

Total posts: 1762
Posted:He also appears HERE

Click "Watch this Movie" and laugh so hard you fall off your chair.

Those jokes above are pretty freaking good as well, congrats to SeKnoT for improving my day! smile


After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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Baccory
BRONZE Member since Feb 2006

Baccory

member
Location: Arana Hills, Brisbane, Queensl...

Total posts: 126
Posted:Since 1940 the year when chuck norris was born, round house kick related deaths have increased 10,000%

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S3KnoT
BRONZE Member since Oct 2005

S3KnoT

NomadicRhythmSimulator
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 204
Posted:Nice, im glad i could put smiles on faces....... Ive seen that ultimate showdown flash... So good, made me laugh so much, but nothing gets me like the old classic;
MARIO TWINS....


Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...

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PyroWill
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines, United Kingdom

Total posts: 4437
Posted:Bllody brilliant biggrin thanks for these jokes ubblol

I however have never seen a Chuck norris film frown


An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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Posted:I remember hearing Chuck Norris comment on David Carradine (star of Kung Fu on tv), that he was as good a Martial Artist as Chuck was an actor. wink

Honestly Will, you haven't missed much! Just my opinion.


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Lemonkey


Lemonkey

Stalking amidst the desert, carrying an oversized scalpel...
Location: Huddersfield + Hull Uni... UK.

Total posts: 1019
Posted:I hate all this recent hype about Chuck Norris, I've seen so many YTMND webpages regarding him that it's just gone silly.

Willy - is bad for your health...

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_Aime_
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom

Total posts: 4172
Posted:I dont even know who he is.. shrug ubblol

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:Will... you must have seen Bruce Lee's Way of the Dragon...

Chuck Norris is one of the baddies in that...


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

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S3KnoT
BRONZE Member since Oct 2005

S3KnoT

NomadicRhythmSimulator
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 204
Posted:Recent hype... This stuff is classic gold, been round or ages. Maybe its becoming more frequent because he is coming back? he stopped doing walker texas ranger to raise kids or something, but now he's back...

Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...

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peteyboy
SILVER Member since Sep 2005

peteyboy

Member
Location: Worcester, United Kingdom

Total posts: 38
Posted:sethis-where did you find that video? it rocks! biggrin

Dream as is you will live forever, live as if you will die today.

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Lemonkey


Lemonkey

Stalking amidst the desert, carrying an oversized scalpel...
Location: Huddersfield + Hull Uni... UK.

Total posts: 1019
Posted:Written by: Aime

I dont even know who he is.. shrug ubblol




Non-Https Image Link


You must have seen this chappy before.


Willy - is bad for your health...

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:eek AAAAHHHH!!! *runs and hides from that picture above*

Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

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KaelGotRice
GOLD Member since Jul 2003

KaelGotRice

Basu gasu bakuhatsu - because sometimes buses explode
Location: Angel's Landing, USA

Total posts: 1584
Posted:yeah, older than internets.

It's making a real comeback because Chuck Norris has become the God of online gaming nerds, namely WoW and any game by blizzard.

hahah


To do: More Firedrums 08 video?
Wildfire/US East coast fire footage
LA/EDC glow/fire footage
Fresno fire

<img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/ubbrollsmile.gif" alt="" />

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_Aime_
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings, United Kingdom

Total posts: 4172
Posted:Written by: Lemonkey

You must have seen this chappy before.



confused

Nope.


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Dut
SILVER Member since Mar 2002

lurker
Location: Nashville, TN, USA

Total posts: 380
Posted:Mr. T pities the fool who hero-worships Chuck Norris. :P (don't make me start another repost thread!!)

-- dut


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Sethis
BRONZE Member since May 2005

Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University, United Kingdo...

Total posts: 1762
Posted:It's because everyone who plays WoW has seen the "Ultimate Showdown" and thinks it rocks so hard!

Newgrounds is a great site... check out the "Madness" series if you like gratuitous catoon violence devil


After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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Dunc
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands, United Kingd...

Total posts: 7263
Posted:Written by: Lemonkey

Written by: Aime

I dont even know who he is.. shrug ubblol




Non-Https Image Link


You must have seen this chappy before.




That isn't a picture of Chuck Norris, that's him wrapping HoP around himself! biggrin


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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shoshanah
SILVER Member since Nov 2005

shoshanah

enthusiast
Location: london, United Kingdom

Total posts: 232
Posted:clap clap clap clap clap ubblol ubblol ubblol ubblol nice one Dunc

life is what you make it and what you want it to be

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Dentrassi
GOLD Member since Apr 2003

Dentrassi

ZORT!
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 3044
Posted:so is this guy the new David Hasselhoff?

"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.

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Dut
SILVER Member since Mar 2002

lurker
Location: Nashville, TN, USA

Total posts: 380
Posted:Written by: Dentrassi

so is this guy the new David Hasselhoff?



hahahaha. not exactly. i guess "paul bunyan" doesn't translate real well tho.

and if chuck norris were at the berlin wall, it only would have taken one roundhouse kick to turn the whole thing into a pile of the finest tourist sized prepackaged rubble. and he wouldn't have sang about it later...

ooh. chuck norris vs. brian boytano vs. a grizly bear.
FIGHT!

-- dut


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arashi


arashi

Pooh-Bah
Location: austin,tx

Total posts: 2364
Posted:chuck norris studied under bruce lee as a youth, made schwarzenegger style bad acting action movies, and now sells excercise equipment on tv, for those of you who don't know who he is.

-Such a price the gods exact for song: to become what we sing
-Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty.
-When the center of the storm does not move, you are in its path.

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animatEd
BRONZE Member since Aug 2004

animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK

Total posts: 3540
Posted:Written by: arashi

chuck norris studied under bruce lee as a youth [...]



That'll be why Bruce Lee defeated Chuck in 'Way of the Dragon' then... wink


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

Delete

TheBovrilMonkey
SILVER Member since Sep 2001

TheBovrilMonkey

Liquid Cow
Location: High Wycombe, England

Total posts: 2629
Posted:I've just looked at the wikipedia entry for Chuck Norris - It's got this sign:

Written by:

This page has been temporarily protected from editing to deal with vandalism.




Closely followed by this
Written by:

This article is about the actual person. For the jokes, see Chuck Norris Facts.




I wonder if that's a co-incidence biggrin


But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

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