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Forums > Social Chat > 11 facts about chuck norris

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S3KnoT
S3KnoT

NomadicRhythmSimulator
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 5th Oct 2005
Total posts: 204
Posted:check this out ubblol

1. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris doesnt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris beard. There is only another fist.

Additional Chuck Norris Facts

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

* Crop circles are Chuck Norris way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

* Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

* The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, Two seconds til. After you ask, Two seconds til what? he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldnt stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

* Chuck Norris doesnt churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

* The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris fist.

* A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

* Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

* Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

* Chuck Norris originally appeared in the Street Fighter II video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this glitch, Norris replied, Thats no glitch.

* The opening scene of the movie Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

* Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, Bang!

* Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earths atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

* Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks arent the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

* Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse horses are hung like Chuck Norris

* Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb.

* If you say Chuck Norris name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

* Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

* The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

* In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Chuck Norris doesnt read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

* Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

* Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

* As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

* Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a Who has more testicles? contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

ubblol


Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...

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JonnyRok
JonnyRok

Look! I'm Darth Bunny!
Location: Sunny South Africa
Member Since: 2nd May 2005
Total posts: 446
Posted:I got another one! Chuck Norris invented time so that he could clock his roundhouse kick smile

Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!
Yo ho fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright to be,
Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!

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jeff(fake)
jeff(fake)

Scientist of Fortune
Location: Edinburgh
Member Since: 15th Apr 2005
Total posts: 1189
Posted:Light cannot escape a black hole. But Chuck Norris can.

According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Dynamics, we may already be making love right now...

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effex
effex

member

Member Since: 30th Jan 2006
Total posts: 32
Posted:Bruce Lee claimed and proved his style defeated anyone within a few minutes - am I wrong?

Yes Chuck Norris was in the Bruce lee movie, terrible movie only good part was when those two masters met, wonder what would of happened without a script?



funny stuff btw - made me laugh


EDITED_BY: effex (1139948057)


smile and people will wonder what yr up to.

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Mags The Jedi
Mags The Jedi

Fool
Location: Cornwall, UK
Member Since: 30th May 2004
Total posts: 2020
Posted:Chuck Facts

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born."

Bill Hicks, February 1988

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Loki_the_trickster
Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire
Member Since: 1st Feb 2006
Total posts: 1266
Posted:The big bang that created the universe was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a giant ball of matter ubblol

My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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Neon_Shaolin
Neon_Shaolin

hehe, 'Member' huhuh
Location: Behind you. With Jam
Member Since: 13th Jul 2005
Total posts: 6120
Posted:Chuck Norris was Michaelangelo's favourite actor



(The Turtle AND the Renaissance Artist)



In fact he was the model for Michaelangelo's 'David' but old Mick was a little modest during sculpting so that it didn't make the all the men in the world feel inferior...


"I used to want to change the world, now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity..." - Lotus Weinstock

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S3KnoT
S3KnoT

NomadicRhythmSimulator
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 5th Oct 2005
Total posts: 204
Posted:Chuck norris sat down with god to discuss gods importance as the almighty creator of everything... Soon after god had agreed to do chuck norris's washing and dishes for 100 years because chuck norris was tired of doing them........

Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...

Delete

Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Chuck Norris doesn't beleive in God, God beleives in Chuck Norris wink

Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Dragon7
Dragon7

addict
Location: Aotearoa (NZ)
Member Since: 17th Oct 2003
Total posts: 625
Posted:LMFAO @ Dunc! ubblol

Thanks for the laugh's SeKnoT biggrin


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polarity
polarity

veteran
Location: on the wrong planet
Member Since: 16th May 2005
Total posts: 1228
Posted:In Soviet Russia, you roundhouse kick Chuck Norris!

You aren't thinking or really existing unless you're willing to risk even your own sanity in the judgment of your existence.

Green peppers, lime pickle and whole-grain mustard = best sandwich filling.

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Space
member
Location: Victoria, BC
Member Since: 10th Apr 2002
Total posts: 63
Posted:When superman goes to bed, he wears chuck norris pajamas!

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.


We risk sanity for moments of temporary enlightenment, each thought overcome by anticipation of the next, we take the breaks off

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Loki_the_trickster
Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire
Member Since: 1st Feb 2006
Total posts: 1266
Posted: Written by: Space


When superman goes to bed, he wears chuck norris pajamas!

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.



ubblol ubblol ubblol

NICE!!!!!!


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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S3KnoT
S3KnoT

NomadicRhythmSimulator
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 5th Oct 2005
Total posts: 204
Posted:When Jedi's use the force, they are really using the spirit of chuck norris.

If you ever see a ufo, or hear stories of sightings, whats really happening is that beings from outer space get so excited about seeing chuck norris that they sometimes venture too close to our planet...


Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...

Delete

S3KnoT
S3KnoT

NomadicRhythmSimulator
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 5th Oct 2005
Total posts: 204
Posted:what do santa clause, and chuck norris have in common?

Each has a song that gives the impression they ALWAYS have their eyes on you.

Santa has:"....he knows when you are sleeping,he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been good or bad......" etc

Chuck has:"....in the eyes of a ranger, the unsuspecting stranger, better know the truth of wrong from right.........Because,the eyes of a ranger are upon you, any wrong you do he's gonna see...."

So who's coming down your chimney???


Petey: "i just finished a rubiks cube, from completely shuffled to not, in 1 minute 57 seconds "

Experiencing people is the best experience of all.

Govenor of Flynt's Ass...

Delete

Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Couldn't be bothered to check if these have been used, sorry if there's doubles smile

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Chuck Norris took the mountain to Mohammed

Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush

Chuck Norris made the Tower of Pisa lean

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter

Chuck Norris can divide by zero and multiply by infinity

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.



There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Saurons ass halfway through the first chapter

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic

Streets look both ways to let Chuck Norris cross.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes

Dinosaurs became extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control

Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

Chuck Norris let the dogs out

Chuck Norris make onions CRY

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Larry
Larry

Electro Ponce!
Location: Hull!
Member Since: 26th Oct 2005
Total posts: 383
Posted:i'm still laughing about this this morning. and i read it all last night! hilarious thread!



"who ya gonna call...?"



i'd add "chuck norris can't look up" but id' be afraid only fellow comedy geeks would get it


What're you looking at?
I assume you're being rhetorical?
What're you callin' me!?

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shoshanah
shoshanah

enthusiast
Location: london
Member Since: 3rd Nov 2005
Total posts: 232
Posted:my boyfriend could win a fight with him lol he would run away so fast for so long that ckuck would run out of breath n sit down then my fella would come back an run him over with a car yep my fella could beat him lol

life is what you make it and what you want it to be

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:but chuck norris can run so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head! ubblol

Let's relight this forum ubblove

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shoshanah
shoshanah

enthusiast
Location: london
Member Since: 3rd Nov 2005
Total posts: 232
Posted:lol yer but then if my boyfriend threw him self to the floor wile chuck was running after him chuck would not be able to stop in time and would trip over him so my fella would still win

life is what you make it and what you want it to be

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Loki_the_trickster
Loki_the_trickster

Has sharp edges
Location: Stuck in the mire
Member Since: 1st Feb 2006
Total posts: 1266
Posted: Written by: Larry


i'd add "chuck norris can't look up" but id' be afraid only fellow comedy geeks would get it


ubblol I get it but wouldnt it be "Chuck Norris can look up" wink

 Written by: shoshanah


........so my fella would still win


umm is your "fella" Chuck Norris? because the only one who can defeat Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris wink


My ADD makes it so that.....Ooooo SHINY.....wanna go ride bikes....wait....where am I.....

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Mr Majestik
Mr Majestik

coming to a country near you
Location: home of the tiney toothy bear
Member Since: 9th Mar 2004
Total posts: 4693
Posted:i think you would find if your boyfriend fell over while being chased by chuck norris chuck would run even FASTER at him, and there would BE no boyfriend anymore. sorry. afterall, every man wants to be chuck norris and every woman wants chuck norris.

"but have you considered there is more to life than your eyelids?"

jointly owned by Fire_Spinning_Angel and Blu_Valley

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shoshanah
shoshanah

enthusiast
Location: london
Member Since: 3rd Nov 2005
Total posts: 232
Posted:yer i know what your saying and yes i want chuck but dont tell my boyfriend lol

life is what you make it and what you want it to be

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alien_oddity
alien_oddity

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: in the trees
Member Since: 31st Dec 2004
Total posts: 7193
Posted:another fact about chuck norris


"chuck norris dosen't shave.........................you know.......his pubes" ubblol


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Psychedelicflame
Psychedelicflame

Member
Location: Kamloops, British columbia
Member Since: 13th Mar 2007
Total posts: 1
Posted:omg that was the greatest thing that i have ever read my eyes are still watering from laughter thank you so much ubblol

"Wether you think you can or cannot either way you are right"

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted: Written by :S3KnoT


* Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse horses are hung like Chuck Norris




ubblol ubbrollsmile ubblol ubbrollsmile

My chief resident last year actually included one of these in every E-mail he sent out.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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willworkforfoodjnr
willworkforfoodjnr

Hunting robot foxes
Location: Huddersfield, West Yorkshire
Member Since: 8th Aug 2007
Total posts: 1046
Posted:Chuck Norris doesn't spin fire poi, he spins dragons!

Working hard to be a wandering hippie layabout. Ten years down, five to go!

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PinkNigel
PinkNigel

Pinker than thou
Location: A little pink world all my own...
Member Since: 4th May 2006
Total posts: 336
Posted:Nonsense!! Chuck Norris doesn't spin anything, the universe revolves around him...

A wise man once said: "You have two ears and one mouth, therefore you should shut the censored up and listen" (though, to be fair, he might not've put it _quite_ like that..)

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Fire_Moose
Fire_Moose

Elusive and Bearded
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Member Since: 2nd May 2007
Total posts: 3597
Posted:Since we are on the subject, did you guys know that Chuck lost his virginity before his dad?

O.B.E.S.E.

Owned by Mynci!

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Fine_Rabid_Dog
Internet Hate Machine
Location: They seek him here, they seek ...
Member Since: 26th May 2004
Total posts: 10530
Posted: Written by :Poje


Since we are on the subject, did you guys know that Chuck lost his virginity before his dad?



Chuck Norris is your daddy smile


The existance of flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said "I need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away."

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bodhisattva
my body is a tattooed temple
Location: halifax
Member Since: 1st Jun 2008
Total posts: 366
Posted:when did he lose his dad ? biggrin

when the body is happy the mind smiles

to live a single day and hear a good teaching is better than to live a hundred without hearing such teaching

and everything is measured by the hole it leaves behind

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