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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:Have you ever met someone who jeopardises everything that makes them happy?

Explain: I am talking about a person who no matter how happy they are they will find someway or something that will jeopardise the happiness they have?

They seem to think that they don't deserve to be happy so they just keep ruining things as a way of self punishment?

How can you get them to stop it? How can you get them to start thinking that they are worthy of finding happiness?


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FireTom


Stargazer


Total posts: 6650
Posted:IMO you can't stop them.. many need external triggers to realize ultimate happyness... unhappyness is much more reliable than the opposite. You might be talking about s.o. with "borderline syndrom" depending on the circumstances.

You can take this as your issue and proove them that they are worthy - for as long as you wish... maybe it will help, maybe it wont. I'm not clear about this subject, having lived with a borderliner for 8 months... In some respect I expereince myself to have similar tendencies for a certain (mild) extent and - looking around - I find this to be a common problem.

Back to your question: how can you make them stop? Ask yourself why YOU want them to stop while they don't?

Personally I try to ceast to convince anyone of what I believe to be better for them - but what do I know?


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I want them to stop because the person is me.

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FireTom


Stargazer


Total posts: 6650
Posted:redface that explains the motif much better.... hug next time don't try to fool us/me, ok? wink First step: accept yourself the way you are and love thyself just because of it... there is no reason to hide... in the anonymity of the internet... wink

Written by: Medusa

Have you ever met someone who jeopardises everything that makes them happy?



Yes I have met many people (including myself)

Written by:

Explain: I am talking about a person who no matter how happy they are they will find someway or something that will jeopardise the happiness they have?



Unhappyness seems much more reliable, than happyness.

Written by:
They seem to think that they don't deserve to be happy so they just keep ruining things as a way of self punishment?



In my case this has to do a lot with education and parents. Either one has been told to be "unworthy" of happyness, or has not received "enough" punishment for stupid actions, or both. There are many triggers, many lie buried in the sub-consciousness.

Written by:
How can you get them to stop it? How can you get them to start thinking that they are worthy of finding happiness?



Besides of not having (fully) reached the state myself I can advise only to practice meditation, workout (yoga), accept that the world is the way it is, practice autogenic training and to take less things personal. Not to reject love and attention without craving for it. Being gentle with myself and develop self-love and admiration for who and what I am.

If using illicit drugs - cut down/ quit/ pause... shrug

That's what comes to my mind in the moment... but I may be the blind leading the blind... please excuse.

If more comes up, I will certainly let you know hug


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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Sethis
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University

Total posts: 1762
Posted:Why don't you deserve to be happy? Everyone has a right to be happy, whoever they are.

Self Destructive behaviour is something I can't really comment on without knowing the person involved, so sorry about that. I just don't want to give out bad advice, or tell you things that you think are trite and unhelpful. hug


After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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mediterraneanfruitsalad
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

Member
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 52
Posted:Written by: Medusa

Have you ever met someone who jeopardises everything that makes them happy?

Explain: I am talking about a person who no matter how happy they are they will find someway or something that will jeopardise the happiness they have?

They seem to think that they don't deserve to be happy so they just keep ruining things as a way of self punishment?

How can you get them to stop it? How can you get them to start thinking that they are worthy of finding happiness?




not an expert here, but just my two cents. I think everyone has felt like this at some point in their lives. some more than others. I've experienced it. In fact I experienced it for years, and then 1 year ago everything went seriously wrong all at once and i had a total breakdown. it was only after the breakdown that my attitude towards myself began to change. obviously it was a very long process (took the whole of last year), and at times frightfully unpleasant. but what i'm saying is it IS possible to turn it all around.

in my opinion, the first thing to do is identify what it is that's causing you to feel like that. the all-important question : "why do I sabotage myself?"

this was the hardest part of the process for me, as I didn't have a clue why. Unfortunately, this is often something no one can really help you with, its something you might have to figure out for yourself. you can do this, so go for it smile begin by noticing what aggravates you, how you react to situations, why you react the way you do. take notice, in particular, at the way you react to people around you, and what they say.

My mum sabotages her happiness daily. Even when she's happy she does things to make the situation untolerable, and her unhappiness rubbed off on me and made me unhappy. but when i figured out that was the problem, I made a conscious effort to guard myself from her negative energy, and not absorb her misery. She had an appalling life, with lots of suffering, so i understand why she is the way she is. and i've tried to help her, but ultimately i can only offer support, and she has to help herself.

no one can make this change but you smile

there are things you can do i guess to help. here're a few i would recommend :

i meditate and balance my chakras regularly, and it works a charm. it clears my mind, and balances the emotions (my big problem in life is balance lol! i'm prone to excesses). so this is the best thing for me. and its DEFINATELY worth trying smile its not an immediate thing tho. it will callm you down immediately, but is more geared towards a long-term effect. scientific studies have shown that the cerebral cortex (or SOME part of the brain) of people who meditate regularly has different patterns in some aspect from people who don't.

a detox can do wonders too. once again, a detox is a cleansing of your body, and when you activate your body, your mind will follow. (LOL i'm a future Les Mills fitness instructor, and the motto is "Free the Body, the Mind will Follow" - and i totally believe in it). A healthy body constitues a healthy mind.

If ever you feel really overwhelmed, you might want to try a Reiki session. I swear by Reiki and i'm getting certified in about 2 months time.

Get into the gym, or do some physical activity as muhc as you can too! Endorphin-release!!!!

Basically, what i'm trying to say is, get yourself out there and find something that works for you. Reiki might work for me, but it might do nothing for you. Everyone's different, and you need to explore a bit I think smile

Well, I hope this helped. its been rather long! Chin up girl smile thing's get better, they always do. It just takes a while sometimes hug


How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows

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Docta
GOLD Member since Oct 2005

Docta

member
Location: Brisbane

Total posts: 81
Posted:I know why you're unhappy........it's cause you live on the west coast. You need to get outta there and come chill on the east coast with us cats over here tee hee wink

Just remember, turn your frown upside down

Doc smile


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simeon
SILVER Member since Jan 2006

simeon

enthusiast
Location: semaphore, south australia

Total posts: 233
Posted:
i have a friend who, at the moment seems to be doing that to herself. she got herself together a while ago and we all thought she was going to be fine, but recently decided to go back to the way things were. all we can really do for her is be there, she is the only one who can affect any real change.

i kow this has most probably allready been said, but everyone has had some kind of experiance with it, so theres my two bob.



no mummy, please dont make me go to millyways again.

i hate the way it all ends!

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blu_valley
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

blu_valley

fluffy mess
Location: Brighton

Total posts: 197
Posted:Ah, self sabotage. Everyone is guilty of this at some level. Well youve made the most important step in changing this, admitting it to yourself. Now if you are aware of it and put your mind to it, you can change it. It really is that simple. Mind over matter. But you have to mean it!!

I used to do it to myself all the time, but I have managed to turn it right around. I still slip up sometimes, but I dont beat myself up about it, I accept it and continue a long.
Good luck.!! hug


"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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onewheeldave
GOLD Member since Aug 2002

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: sheffield

Total posts: 3252
Posted:Written by: Medusa


Have you ever met someone who jeopardises everything that makes them happy?

Explain: I am talking about a person who no matter how happy they are they will find someway or something that will jeopardise the happiness they have?

They seem to think that they don't deserve to be happy so they just keep ruining things as a way of self punishment?

How can you get them to stop it? How can you get them to start thinking that they are worthy of finding happiness?




in conjunction with-

Written by: Medusa


I want them to stop because the person is me.





Means you're well on your way- most who suffer from this kind of habitual behaviour (and it is in us all to some degree) do not have the awareness that you do.

If it's not too personal, it would be useful if you gave one or two specifc examples of you sabataging your happiness.

Failing that, for general advice, I think it's a matter of of increasing your understanding of your own self, your mind and doing so with a high degree of honesty.

As someone who was afflicted with mild/moderate underlying depression for most of my early life, which blossumed into 2 years of full-on-hell- having found a way out of that, I now very much see that self-sabotage was a huge factor in it.

Albeit, sabotage on a level so deep that I couldn't, at the time, see how it was my habitual ways of thinking/feeling that brought about the pain and destructive behaviour.

It was gradually coming to see those patterns, that brought me to my current position where I can understand what was going on, and where it has become habitual to not engage in those thoughts/feelings that were the root of my self-sabotage.

Of course, people are different, and see things in very different ways; what is clear to me, and what works for me; may be unclear/unusable for you. Which is why I think it may be useful for you to give some specific examples of your own self-sabotage.


"You can't outrun Death forever.
But you can make the Bastard work for it."

--MAJOR KORGO KORGAR,
"Last of The Lancers"
AFC 32


Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing STAY SAFE!

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:Examples:

Whenever I meet new people I always think if they are nice to me they have ulterior motives so I tend to shy away from them or even be nasty to them to "test" them.
Or I just don't talk too much because I know that they probably won't like me anyway.
I also have a habit of picking people to pieces in my mind, especially if they are nice to me, I find all the fault so that I won't like them.

Another and the one that has got me so worked up at this mmoment:
The fact that i have this perfectly normal and great guy in my life but I feel the need to pick him to shred and make him feel like crap just because I feel insecure. I mean last night he spent five minutes on the computer doing work that needed to be done and I got angry with him and then we spent three hours going through every tiny little minute problem that we have (I mean we are talking the stuff the doesn't even matter) and we got down to the "I'm not sure if I love you anymore" statement from him to me.

I seem to pick a fight with him just cause I can. I don't know why.

I did the same thing with my father when I was younger and it got to the stage where we couldn't live under the same roof.


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onewheeldave
GOLD Member since Aug 2002

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: sheffield

Total posts: 3252
Posted:I can relate to the feeling of not being liked by others and I think its a lot more common than is generally supposed,

In me, it remains a deep one to this day, and, barring maybe some very intense therapy, is probably there for the forseeable future.

With many of these feelings though, just cos you feel them doesn't mean you have to act on them (bearing in mind that breaking habits isn't just a matter of deciding intellectually that you're not going to stay trapped in them).

Plus of course, the fact is that generally, some people do have ulterior motives, being wary of that is a simple self-defense mechanism- you have to determine whether you've got the balance right; kust don't beat yourself up about it.

As for your relationship, objectivity can be really useful- have you considered using a service like 'Relate'? (UK name).

Having an objective outsider can be valuable in helping you see which of your ways of relating are valid and good, and which are destructive.


"You can't outrun Death forever.
But you can make the Bastard work for it."

--MAJOR KORGO KORGAR,
"Last of The Lancers"
AFC 32


Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing STAY SAFE!

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faith enfire
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

faith enfire

wandering thru the woods of WI
Location: Wisconsin

Total posts: 3556
Posted:a lot of this seems to stem on trust...
hurt people before they hurt you-don't give them the chance...
if you expect nothing of people and think they are jerks and pathetic, it's hard for them to disappoint you
it could be because a person is used to being independent having never been able to rely on others-thought they could only to find them stabbing you in the back or for the more bold, getting you right in the heart up front and personal
another issue could be one of personal worth, a person believes that they don't deserve this happiness or they don't want to deal with what they see is the inevitable hurt to follow-it's a self-perservation thing
small steps, start off easy, talk to the bf-let him know that you do this, give yourself credit for all the good stuff


Faith
Nay, whatever comes one hour was sunlit and the most high gods may not make boast of any better thing than to have watched that hour as it passed

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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth

Total posts: 5814
Posted:So we are nasty to them to justify our lack of faith in ourselves. Viscious cycle.

You are in a growth phase darling Medusa. The years I have known you have shown this. But you have to be gentle on yourself while its happening. I imagine that in a new city the stresses and strains are going to be different so the falling into old destructive habits is almost expected.

Its taken you many years to find someone to have a less destructive relationship with. Some of the others have encouraged the behaviours you descibe.

Hows your health too ???? Is there a flare up of a problem unbalancing you??

Written by:
I can relate to the feeling of not being liked by others and I think its a lot more common than is generally supposed,



and when you realise it crikey its hard


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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BEZERKER


BEZERKER

enthusiast


Total posts: 237
Posted:I've met someone who jeopardizes everything that makes ME happy.

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mediterraneanfruitsalad
BRONZE Member since Jan 2006

Member
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 52
Posted:yea me too. there's a name for that - toxic friend. someone who just can't be happy while you're happy.

How much longer will it take to cure this
Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love
Makes me wanna turn around and face me but I don't know nothing 'bout love
--Counting Crows

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