S.A.U.F.S.S.B.S.A.C.O.N.M.M.G.N.A.C.A

Once again I come across a list concocted by some new-age-herbalist-reiki-wizard, of symptoms indicative of poor chi-flow/squashed chakras/energy-blockage; which claims that one sign of health issues is 'foul-smelling stools'

What do they expect- it's sh*t, it's supposed to smell bad!

Speaking personally, the day I produce a stool that doesn't smell foul, is the day I start to worry about my health.

It's clearly a cynical money-making scam targetted at poor old biddys with more money than sense, who're going to be so concerned at the 'health implications' of foul-smelling stools, that they're willing to pay £50 for some Reiki on their bowels.

So, I propose setting up-

S.A.U.F.S.S.B.S.A.C.O.N.M.M.G.N.A.C.A

(Society for the Acknowledgement of the Undeniable Fact that Sh*t Smells Bad, is Supposed to do so and Anyone who Claims Otherwise is Nothing More than a Money-Grubbing New-Age Con Artist)

Check this out- an 'expert' telling us what length and colour etc our stools 'should' be

Written by: from https://altmedicine.about.com/od/gettingdiagnosed/a/stools.htm

Stools: What's Healthy and What's Not

An ideal bowel movement is medium brown, the color of plain cardboard. It leaves the body easily with no straining or discomfort.

It should have the consistency of toothpaste, and be approximately 4 to 8 inches long.

Stools should enter the water smoothly and slowly fall once it reaches the water. There should be little gas or odor.

Seriously?!

It sounds like he's training his stools for Olympic diving contests?

(and how does he know that his stools have 'the consistency of toothpaste- are his stools so perfect that he brushes his teeth with them?)

There should be little odor?

What rubbish, it's a stool, and it's supposed to smell really bad; nature designed it that way to make sure people don't eat it.

Let's get a proper definition of what criteria an ideal stool should conform to-

Written by: official S.A.U.F.S.S.B.S.A.C.O.N.M.M.G.N.A.C.A:- criteria for stool excellence

The ideal stool is dark and pungent, with a rich glossy finish.

if it decides the 'enter the water smoothly and slowly' then fair enough, perhaps it's just having an off-day. But certainly, when it's an 'ideal stool' it will do nothing of the kind; instead it will impact the water with all the vigour and drama of a 25-stone man doing a belly-flop off a high cliff.

As for gas and odour, the ideal stool will have both in abundance- this isn't some shy fellow who's going to go from orifice to water and leave no trace that it ever existed. No, it will live its brief life to the full, with a vigour, noise and reeking odour, that leaves no doubt whatsoever as to its presence.

Certainly, the toilet in which it has been deposited should be totally uninhabital to any species that possess a nose, for a good 20 minutes, and, ideally, considerably longer.

Spread the word- 'My stools reek, and I'm damn proud of it!'.

If the society takes off, I suggest it should host an annual competition for 'Foulest Smelling Stool of the Year'- so, if one morning, you churn out a stool of exceptional odour, pop it in a sealable sandwich box, wrap the whole thing in celephane (keep in that precious competition-winning stench) and unveil it at the Nationals.

Who's in?

"You can't outrun Death forever.
But you can make the Bastard work for it."

--MAJOR KORGO KORGAR,
"Last of The Lancers"
AFC 32

Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing STAY SAFE!

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