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onewheeldave
Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: sheffield
Member Since: 28th Aug 2002
Total posts: 3252
Posted:Once again I come across a list concocted by some new-age-herbalist-reiki-wizard, of symptoms indicative of poor chi-flow/squashed chakras/energy-blockage; which claims that one sign of health issues is 'foul-smelling stools'



What do they expect- it's sh*t, it's supposed to smell bad!



Speaking personally, the day I produce a stool that doesn't smell foul, is the day I start to worry about my health.



It's clearly a cynical money-making scam targetted at poor old biddys with more money than sense, who're going to be so concerned at the 'health implications' of foul-smelling stools, that they're willing to pay 50 for some Reiki on their bowels.



So, I propose setting up-



S.A.U.F.S.S.B.S.A.C.O.N.M.M.G.N.A.C.A



(Society for the Acknowledgement of the Undeniable Fact that Sh*t Smells Bad, is Supposed to do so and Anyone who Claims Otherwise is Nothing More than a Money-Grubbing New-Age Con Artist)



Check this out- an 'expert' telling us what length and colour etc our stools 'should' be



Written by: from http://altmedicine.about.com/od/gettingdiagnosed/a/stools.htm





Stools: What's Healthy and What's Not



An ideal bowel movement is medium brown, the color of plain cardboard. It leaves the body easily with no straining or discomfort.



It should have the consistency of toothpaste, and be approximately 4 to 8 inches long.



Stools should enter the water smoothly and slowly fall once it reaches the water. There should be little gas or odor.







Seriously?!



It sounds like he's training his stools for Olympic diving contests?



(and how does he know that his stools have 'the consistency of toothpaste- are his stools so perfect that he brushes his teeth with them?)



There should be little odor?



What rubbish, it's a stool, and it's supposed to smell really bad; nature designed it that way to make sure people don't eat it.



Let's get a proper definition of what criteria an ideal stool should conform to-



Written by: official S.A.U.F.S.S.B.S.A.C.O.N.M.M.G.N.A.C.A:- criteria for stool excellence




The ideal stool is dark and pungent, with a rich glossy finish.



if it decides the 'enter the water smoothly and slowly' then fair enough, perhaps it's just having an off-day. But certainly, when it's an 'ideal stool' it will do nothing of the kind; instead it will impact the water with all the vigour and drama of a 25-stone man doing a belly-flop off a high cliff.



As for gas and odour, the ideal stool will have both in abundance- this isn't some shy fellow who's going to go from orifice to water and leave no trace that it ever existed. No, it will live its brief life to the full, with a vigour, noise and reeking odour, that leaves no doubt whatsoever as to its presence.



Certainly, the toilet in which it has been deposited should be totally uninhabital to any species that possess a nose, for a good 20 minutes, and, ideally, considerably longer.









Spread the word- 'My stools reek, and I'm damn proud of it!'.



If the society takes off, I suggest it should host an annual competition for 'Foulest Smelling Stool of the Year'- so, if one morning, you churn out a stool of exceptional odour, pop it in a sealable sandwich box, wrap the whole thing in celephane (keep in that precious competition-winning stench) and unveil it at the Nationals.



Who's in?


"You can't outrun Death forever.
But you can make the Bastard work for it."

--MAJOR KORGO KORGAR,
"Last of The Lancers"
AFC 32


Educate your self in the Hazards of Fire Breathing STAY SAFE!

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Mr Majestik
Mr Majestik

coming to a country near you
Location: home of the tiney toothy bear
Member Since: 9th Mar 2004
Total posts: 4693
Posted:actually, i think there can be 'healthy' type stools. basically what that person is proposing is a method for maximising nutrient intake and minimising excess waste, thus a 'healthy' stool should be as the guy said because it means that you are comsuming enough of the right products to maintain your body but not over endulging and over working any of your systems.

last year in biology i got to do a role play of excrament passing through the duodeum, i thought it was hillarious ubbloco


"but have you considered there is more to life than your eyelids?"

jointly owned by Fire_Spinning_Angel and Blu_Valley

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fNi
fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York
Member Since: 8th Mar 2004
Total posts: 3354
Posted:clap brilliant ubblol

as louis black said about sh*t on television "It needs to be steaming, otherwise no one would believe it was real" biggrin


kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

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JauntyJames
JauntyJames

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hampshire College, MA, USA
Member Since: 22nd Dec 2004
Total posts: 3533
Posted:I don't like sh*t. It makes me sad.

-James

"How do you know if you're happy or sad without a mask? Or angry? Or ready for dessert?"

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flash fire
flash fire

Sporadically Prodigal
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Member Since: 25th Jan 2001
Total posts: 2758
Posted:Nice one OWD! Had me in stitches! biggrin

HoP Posting Guidelines
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
If you can answer YES to these 4 questions then you may post a reply.

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Posted:Unfortunately, I've met several people who think their [censored] smells of roses! ubbloco ubbloco ubbloco

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:MaskN says "i think that was the biggest, if not the best rant i have ever heard simply for the surpose of ranting. but still, fair effort"

and him, me and Nettle laughed our heads off!

That's brilliant!!! clap


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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clarence_quack
clarence_quack

QuackerJack
Location: over your left shoulder
Member Since: 23rd Feb 2005
Total posts: 1927
Posted:Hate to bust the bubble, but the new age stuff is *kinda* correct. I'm doing nursing at uni at the moment, and one of our lectures was 2 hours on stools. Hard to stomach, but gave us plenty of ammunition for bad jokes.
Technically, a foul odour is a sign of health issues.


Nutella Brigade Unite!

"Look! I have a rainbow penis!" - Rouge

Owned By Steaks

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GeoffonTour04
enthusiast
Location: Oxford
Member Since: 30th Nov 2005
Total posts: 360
Posted:That was the funniest thing I've read all week

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Mr Majestik
Mr Majestik

coming to a country near you
Location: home of the tiney toothy bear
Member Since: 9th Mar 2004
Total posts: 4693
Posted:thanx for the back up clarence, we shall stick up for non-smelling stools everwhere!

"but have you considered there is more to life than your eyelids?"

jointly owned by Fire_Spinning_Angel and Blu_Valley

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kiteman
Flying high!
Location: At the beach.
Member Since: 5th Jul 2004
Total posts: 245
Posted:I Need a Doctor, I must be seriously ill eek

If everything seems under control, your not going fast enough!

It's not the size of the wave, it's the length of the ride!

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shoshanah
shoshanah

enthusiast
Location: london
Member Since: 3rd Nov 2005
Total posts: 232
Posted:thanks onewheeldave that really made me giggle.

life is what you make it and what you want it to be

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Mint Sauce
veteran
Location: Lancs England
Member Since: 7th Sep 2003
Total posts: 1453
Posted:clarence_quack is right you stool is an ideal indicator of wht you are eating and how well you body is functning

but bloody funny never the less dami it will join lol


before i met those lot i thought they'd be a bunch of dreadlocked hippies that smoked, set things on fire ,and drank a lot of tea but then when i met them....oh wait (PyroWill)

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TinklePants
TinklePants

Clique Infiltrator, Cunning Linguist and Master Debator
Location: Edinburgh burgh burrrrrr
Member Since: 3rd Jul 2005
Total posts: 4217
Posted:"consistency of toothpaste"...

No way am i gonna reach my hand in there and find out!!! ubblol


Always use "so's your face" and "only on Tuesdays" in as many conversations possible

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Docta
Docta

member
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 20th Oct 2005
Total posts: 81
Posted:he he he..........he said stool redface



So in a nutshell what this cynical money-making stool scam is saying is, that if your sh*t don't stink then you're healthy......... Am I interperating this right???



Thanks for the giggle



Doc smile

EDITED_BY: Docta (1137414296)


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_Clare_
_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast
Member Since: 22nd Oct 2002
Total posts: 5967
Posted:ubblol ubblol ubblol


Nice one Dave... quality chat thread biggrin


Getting to the other side smile

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Rouge Dragon
Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction
Member Since: 21st Jul 2003
Total posts: 13215
Posted:"i think jokes about sex are dirty. i like ones about poo best" - a friend of mine (who was a kindergarten teacher! can you tell! ubblol)

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:My [censored] generally doens't smell, thank you tongue I mean, I wouldn't leave it sitting aorund for days, but it doesn't stink up the bathroom*! Boys.... *sighs* They're so... base.

*Unless I've been eating lots of cabbage and vinegar


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:Looks like clarence hit the nail on the head there....



If your poo consistently stinks and is dark brown and stodgy/runny you have some dietry problems which will inevitably lead to health problems. A healthy balanced diet will lead to "healthy" not too smelly poos most of the time ie the stench won't make you wretch or open a window, but it's enough to help your disgust relex recognise it and stop you eating it. Obviously occaisionally smelly after a night on the vindaloo and or unbalancing your diet for a day or two!

Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce smelly, sulfur-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. Meat eaters have smellier poo because meat protein is rich in sulfides. The more unbalanced your diet is, say to much meat or other high sulphur foods like spinach the more it'll stink.



Even if you beleive you eat healthily you may have a very high bias in your diet, lots of stink indicates this and probably means you're missing some improtant nutrients from various foods/food groups which over a long period of time is quite bad for you.



Sorry Dave but thems medical facts, I'm surprised you didn't research that before posting you're usually very thorough.

I have no idea how that relates to your chakra tho, unless it's one problem leading to another? Thus identifying the symptoms helps identify the cause so you can eliminate it and "unblock" your bowels and your energy flows??



If your poos always stink and have done for years (ie as long as you can remember) then perhaps your diet isn't very balanced and you may have medical problems from it later in life, even if you feel healthy now because they aren't very apparent in your every day life? Or perhaps you have digestive problems and the chemicals you should absorb through your bowels aren't being absorbed properly and released with your movements?



There's nothing wrong with smelly poos occaisinoally just not at every movement, if you go see a professional dietician, a Dr or a nurse that are not holistic you'll be told very similar things.


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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TheBovrilMonkey
TheBovrilMonkey

Liquid Cow
Location: High Wycombe, England
Member Since: 3rd Sep 2001
Total posts: 2629
Posted:Written by:


It should have the consistency of toothpaste







Does that include the stripes? wink

EDITED_BY: TheBovrilMonkey (1137437779)


But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.

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Kyrian
Dreamer
Location: York, England
Member Since: 15th Mar 2002
Total posts: 4308
Posted:My toothpaste don't have no stripes!

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:ubblol No way, it actually does exist and is rather strangely advertised ubblol

Let's relight this forum ubblove

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pricklyleaf
pricklyleaf

with added berries
Location: Manchester
Member Since: 7th Mar 2005
Total posts: 1365
Posted:I found this on a medical website.

SMELL A FALSE CLUE: A popular myth among advocates of colonics and colon
health is that a healthy stool has no odor. In fact, there is no such
thing as an odorless stool. Meat eaters do tend to have more odoriferous
stool, because protein may yield residues of nitrogen and sulfur, but it is
neither possible nor desirable to eliminate odor from stool.



tongue


Lets just not get into the floater vs sinker debate!


Live like there is no tomorrow,
dance like nobody is watching
and hula hoop like wiggling will save the world.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Dunc
Dunc

playing the days away
Location: The Middle lands
Member Since: 19th Aug 2003
Total posts: 7263
Posted:That's why I said

Written by: Me
A healthy balanced diet will lead to "healthy" not too smelly poos most of the time ie the stench won't make you wretch or open a window, but it's enough to help your disgust relex recognise it and stop you eating it.



They smell, but, IF THEY STINK ALL THE TIME there's problems. Of course there's no such thing as a odorless poo

tongue

Oh no, I've turned this from Chat into Discussion....sorry rolleyes spank


Let's relight this forum ubblove

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Sethis
Sethis

Pooh-Bah
Location: York University
Member Since: 16th May 2005
Total posts: 1762
Posted:You're taking it far too seriously... It's poo for gods sakes!! ubblol biggrin

After much consideration, I find that the view is worth the asphyxiation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

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animatEd
animatEd

1 + 1 = 3
Location: Bristol UK
Member Since: 31st Aug 2004
Total posts: 3540
Posted:Ah, but what about if you do a Ghost [censored]?

ubblol

Is there a special branch of the society for them? Are they considered Healthy? or Unhealthy? confused

(see, I can do toilet humour too!!)


Empty your mind. Be formless, Shapeless, like Water.
Put Water into a cup, it becomes the cup, put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, put water into a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Water can flow, or it can Crash.
Be Water My Friend.

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UCOF
UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel

Member Since: 17th Apr 2002
Total posts: 15414
Posted:I was thinking about them today actually...
(as you do... umm )

and they are phantom poos actually wink


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Frederick the Reckless
Frederick the Reckless

Troupe Leader and founder, Fire and Steel
Location: Oregon
Member Since: 5th Aug 2004
Total posts: 241
Posted:I fling poo...

Frederick the Reckless,
Troupe Leader,
Fire and Steel

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flash fire
flash fire

Sporadically Prodigal
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Member Since: 25th Jan 2001
Total posts: 2758
Posted:hehe meditate

Let's not get too out of hand here.


HoP Posting Guidelines
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
If you can answer YES to these 4 questions then you may post a reply.

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Asena
Asena

What a Bummer
Location: Shatfield, Hertfordshire
Member Since: 22nd Aug 2005
Total posts: 3224
Posted:Written by: Frederick the Reckless

I fling poo...



so long as it aint at me, and its "odorless" poo, go ahead! fling away... can you fling a phantom poo?!? confused


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UCOF
UCOF

Carpal \'Tunnel

Member Since: 17th Apr 2002
Total posts: 15414
Posted:Ahem..

Written by: Mistress Flash Fire
Let's not get too out of hand here.



a.k.a Drop the current theme for the discussion. So stop flinging poo! tongue


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