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Forums > Social Chat > New Poll - Is your parents love for you unconditional?

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Malcolm
SAPPHIRE Member since Nov 2003

Malcolm

HOP admin
Location: HOP

Total posts: 1012
Posted:See current poll

Pele and my wife both have issues with their parents. The love they get from their parents is conditional upon certain things they do .

I believe that our parents should love us no matter what we do. Maybe that is asking too much

Diana asked me do my parents love me unconditionally. I said I think so. I have never done anything "bad" on purpose (well maybe a few things when I was younger ) but I am sure they always loved me no matter what I do.
Even though my parents tell me off now and again I still love them lots . I guess I am lucky.

What do you think?


"May your balls always burn"

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin


Total posts: 5635
Posted:i think your parents are SUPPOSED to love you unconditionally, and accept you for who you are...

however, they are human too, just like us. They too have expectations or wants, some of which relate to how we grow up and what we do with our lives.

All love is supposed to be unconditional really, not just a parent to their child. `


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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Cassandra


Cassandra

Froggie ... Ribbit !!!
Location: Back in Paris... for now !

Total posts: 4224
Posted:I think unconditional love is not enough...
I think respect has to be part of the equation for there to be balance and real love...

I think my mother would do pretty much anything for me but also I think she has destroyed more than anyone ever could and would... and what was missing was respect...

I do think that love should be unconditional and respectfull...

shine on
Cassandra


"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"

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trintek


member
Location: San Antonio, TX

Total posts: 107
Posted:my parents may love me is unconditionally.. i mean yeah, they get pizzed at me quite often, we have our share of fights.. my mom still doesnt approve of me being married, but at the same time has handled it much better than i thought she would

the thing to look at is, when were they there for you? I still remember being told i would fail school because i missed too many days due to shattering the bones in my forearm. I not so nicely told them where they could shove that logic, and walked out.. The school threatened to sue my parents to make me go back to school, my parents threatened to sue the school over failing me..

I ended up dropping out at 14 and leaving san antonio for a while to figure out what the hell i was doing.. came back and got my ged at 15, and started college a lil early.. dropped out of that too..

either way, they supported me in the choices i made, while telling me it was probably a bad idea They've been some of the first people at the hospital when i do something stupid and end up in lots of pain..

Oh, and they hate my religion, and like to claim i am catholic since they baptized me as such before i was old enough to talk... But, when it comes down to it, we have a great friendship, and lots of love... there are so many times that i have looked at my friends that have been kicked out over petty things, or disowned, etc.. My 'rents never did that, they're understanding to a point, and damned patient, not a bad combo


We bleed the same blood, We cry the same tears, We have the same fears, We pass the same years, We see the same stars, Under the same skies, We pass the same time, We all live and die

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Bram....


member
Location: the arms of the Ganja Goddess

Total posts: 1551
Posted:no

You. Its whats for dinner!

As time passes, you realise all the mistakes you amde and the ones you wish you never did make.

The wave crashing on the beach

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin


Total posts: 5635
Posted:ok
i've been thinking about this a LOT today, and i've got a few more things to say

REALITY CHECK
since when is ANY human love unconditional???

however small your conditions are, they are still there! You may love your wife, but if she was the worst person in the world, and horrible, wouldnt you'd find your love diminished?

even dogs love conditionally. Feed me, pet me, take me for walks, I LOVE YOU

we are no different. I love you, because you love me! i love you, because you make me FEEL good. I love you, because i appreciate the person you are! Thats a condition. Be a person that i can be attracted to and i will love you. Its unspoken, its rarely admitted or even thought about, but just take a second here to reflect.

Why do you love the people around you? what is it about them that you love??? can you honestly say within any of your relationships that your love is 100% unconditional??

Im not just talking about parents loving their kids because they got good grades, im talking about the basic human needs that we have, that make it very very difficult to love someone when that is lacking.....


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:My parents' love for me is probably conditional.

Oh, I've behaved for the most part. But most of it was under my own power. Even if they hadn't wanted me to be a doctor, I would have gone ahead and done it, anyways.

Their first test was when I deferred medical school for one year to get a masters degree. Hooooboy, they didn't like that one bit. My mother went so far as to call me a "disgrace." And then I knew that she didn't really want a son, she wanted a doctor.

Oh, now that I'm back on her path, she loves me enough. But now she's starting to get antsy about when I'll "grow up" and settle down and get married.

I think she's going to get hit soon with the realization that just having a doctor isn't enough. And she's going to have to decide if she can love her freak son who happens to be a doctor...or if she can only love him if he's married, with 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Rozi
SILVER Member since Jan 2002

100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

Total posts: 2996
Posted:I think my parents love for me is not unconditional, I have just never ventured into those areas that would put conditions on their love. And they would be pretty extreme.

Generally my parents respect my decisions, even when they don't agree. But by the same token, I have internalised a lot of stuff that says, when they don't agree with my decision, they will stop loving me. The fact of the matter is that it is just not true. They will still love me, and it is okay to disagree.


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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fluffy napalm fairy


fluffy napalm fairy

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Brum / Dorset / Fairy Land

Total posts: 3638
Posted:NO

There are always conditions. However small. And that's how it should be.

No love should be unconditional - that would make it worthless. If your parents, or anyone else, loved you no matter what you did or said or how you acted then would you really, truly value that love? I don't think so.

My parents love and respect me as I do them. I am aware, however, that it is possible to lose their love- and that is why every day I wake up smiling that I am loved, and I do love, and all is right in my world.

Pople shouldn't be loved 'just because'. That's wrong.


Geologists do it in the dirt................ spank

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Magnus


member
Location: Bath, UK

Total posts: 279
Posted:My parents are pretty cool, I'd say they loved me unconditionally... particularly since I moved out.

Magnus... pay it forward

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Trippie Hippie
BRONZE Member since May 2002

Trippie Hippie

old hand
Location: Bewildered state of nothingnes...

Total posts: 733
Posted:I don't know if anyone elce finds this but my mums love IS unconditional, no matter that i do to myself or others as, long it's not done in haste and time and thought has gone into it, then she will respect that.
But my Dad is a very different kettel of fish, for him to even speak to me, i have to be 'The perfect human being' if i voice an opinion in front of others, oooo, if looks could kill!!!

So i guess that in my case, the bond between mother and son can never be broken, but the bond between father and son was probley never there to begin with. Thus my mums love IS unconditional but my dads love is very much conditional.

But hey, thats just my take on it.
Taking it easy
Trippy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night i met some pixies and we danced around a stone.



Trippie Hippie- Monty Dons secret love child

Fly like a mouse, run like a pillow, be the small book case.

"Last night i met some pixies and we danced around a stone".

Because dressing up is fun.

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adren@line


member
Location: Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

Total posts: 249
Posted:this is confusing. sorry flynt, but i think i disagree with you, i mean, there would be some love, somewhere in the world that would be unconditional. maybe it would only happen very rarely. personally i think my parents love for me is unconditional. they accept and love me for who i am, they may not love every part of me, but htey dont wish i was better, and i dont think that if they dont like something that that is a condition, its just something to add variety and interest to the relationship. the things they dont agree with arent a condition that they base their love on, it doesnt affect it. ok, im mentally exhausted now, seems like a good idea to get back to studying!

PS: no offence intended flynt, just my modest opinion...


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queen of wands


member
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 127
Posted:quote: can you honestly say within any of your relationships that your love is 100% unconditional??I totally agree with that. Parents are just human like us, they only want the best for us even if it is in the end only THEIR version.

Realisticly, I don't think anyone in my life loves me unconditionally, including my folks. But that's not to say they don't love me at all. Actually they love me heaps.

But there are so many things about me that they don't know about anyway... IMHO, to love unconditionally I think you have to know someone completely, (including stuff you don't really want or need to know) and accept those things as part of that person. Part of the problem I think is that you don't want to hurt your folks or anyone else for that matter with that kind of info...

[ 07 November 2002, 01:15: Message edited by: queen of wands ]


I'm not vegetarian, but currently I'm off my chops!

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ivan..


ivan..

member
Location: Halifax, NS

Total posts: 165
Posted:i think it's unfair to demand unconditional love from anyone ...

i love my parents but then again i don't see them often . and i think they love me .. but i know they don't always agree with my choices

" YOU QUIT YOUR JOB TO DO WHAT PROFESSIONALLY!!!"

so yeah we yell and scream and make life difficult for one another .. does that mean we don't love eachother? nah ! it just means we cannot hang out that much..

but as for the rest of the world .. i don't think it would be faie to say to anyone that you ust love someone else...

it's a personal descision , everyone needs their own space to do as they feel is right , and to dislike whoever they want for whatever reason they choose ...

personally , if someone wer to tell me that I HAVE TO LOVE , i'd snap!.. i spent some time with a group that insisted that i had to hate some people , and that didn't take either .. i'm pig headed .. i get that from my parents...

you love who you love, but that don't mean you like them!


thats right i look like an albino ape that has had a bad day.. go ahead say something stupid... i dare ya !

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Raymund Phule (Fireproof)


Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California

Total posts: 2905
Posted:When my parents chew my arse, its becuase they love me. I think it shows they care, now if they let me just do whatever I wanted, then I could see it as they really dont care what I do.

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin


Total posts: 5635
Posted:lol, adren@line, no offence taken! *hugz* i LIKE your opinion, and i was only sharing mine ` tis always good to hear other peoples opinions as i well know! *grin*

i think im gonna stick by what i said, but maybe just expand on it a little. By conditional love, i dont mean that your parents want you to be better or do better, or have a full time job. I mean there are just things that they expect from you. Like the way they raised you. They expect you to respect them? They expect you to love them? maybe call them everynow and then??

These are conditions ` If you have a friend, that never bothers to get in contact with you, and always waits for you to call. Doesnt initiate anything. Doesnt really seem to respect you...... Doesnt it make it difficult (after a while) to keep loving her? Isnt it healthier to not be friends with that person??

just a thought ` and, although i know alot of people that will disagree here, as far as im aware, there is only one persons love who was unconditional: Jesus Christ, the Nazarene. `


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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Thistle


Thistle

old hand
Location: Nottingham UK

Total posts: 950
Posted:I don't disagree with you Flynt because that's your reality, but for me that's not how it is.

My parents love for me is definitely unconditional. I have been screwed up on drugs, been a lousey daughter, kept the identity of my daughter's father a secret from them for 10 years, I have borrowed money several times which I never paid back like I said I would and I shut them out of mine and my daughters' lives for years for no sane reason.

In the last year I have rebuilt my relationship with them and they have never once mentioned any of the grief I caused them, or tried to guilt trip me in any way. They just say they love me, are glad I am ok and how nice it is to see me more often.

I just got home tonight from a fire dancing gig at the pub where my mum works and my parents were both totally supportive and proud of me.

I am a very lucky lady


Are we nearly there yet?

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin


Total posts: 5635
Posted:Indeed you are lucky! *hugz*

the world needs more parents like yours Thistle `


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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lolli


purple penguin- soon to be
Location: playing with the pixies at the...

Total posts: 478
Posted:unconditional love hummm

i think the important point has already been made. love isnt just enough, its about respect and trust aswell as i have so recently found out with my ex.

i know my parents love me and my sisters and i know that they are proud with the idisitions weve made and with our choices to learn from the mistakes that have occured. . so why is it that they still threaten to distance from us should we ever marry out of the jewish religion??? weird example i know, but its not as if my parents or myself and sisters are authodox. . couldnt you say religion is a condition, a criteria for their love and approval as it were. . as a parent would they actually be able to say "no youre not going to be a true daughter to me" just because one of us finds a person they want to be with who happens not to fit the conditions pre-approved. sorry i know this is a bit of a selfish and wild tangent its just something ive had to deal with today (now that im at uni, i get these talks from them every week)

my own opinion, is as others have stated, that parental love SHOULD be unconditional, i think luckly enough my parents do love me and my sisters unconditionally, and im so thankfull for that. using the example above, my sisters been with this guy (non jewish) for the last 2 years and they are so happy and loved up. yet the disownership that was threatened has never come up. oh of course theyre disappointed but i think they trust her, and all of us, enough to know that it was not directed to disobey them and that at the end of the day shes happy and he is a lovely man to her and surely they are far more important factors then his religon. so even though it does tend to get mentioned at all given oppertunity as a no-no. theyre still there!

unfortunatly i dont think thats the case for everyone.

sorry that this is all probably irrelevent, 1.00am isnt the best time for insights.

much hugage to all
lolli x x x



My spelling wobbles. its very good spelling but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong place

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Pele
BRONZE Member since Dec 2000

Pele

the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:I don't think I have to answer in regards to my parents.
I do love unconditionally, but I don't love everyone I meet, nor do I love everyone I like and that doesn't make it conditional. It is an emotion, and I can not explain why I can really like someone and not love them, or really dislike someone but love them alot. I do not love because it is expected (ie: my family) I love because sometimes there is something there which I can not explain and I just do.
For example, my son. I love him, and nothing, I mean NOTHING he does will ever change that. How I like him is conditional. Some days I like him more than others, based on behaviour, but even when I am most in disagreement with him I love him. Why? I don't know. I know parents who do not love their children so it isn't just because he is my son. There is something in him, a charisma, that endears him to nearly everyone he meets.
Same thing with many of my friends. Now, they have earned my trust and respect, they have done things to cause me to like them, but for some strange reason, I love them....and I don't know why.

This does not cheapen my love in anyway, for I do not hand it out freely to any passer-by. If I did that, then it would be cheap.

There is a world of difference between like and love. Like, for me, is extremely conditional. Love is not, nor should it be ever.


Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

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Jade Lynx


member
Location: Laguna Beach, but i live in De...

Total posts: 239
Posted:I don't know if i'll try to define it as "conditional/unconditional", but i know that my parents will love me no matter what i do. They may not like what i do*, they may not even like me, but i know that they love me and always will.

I am really lucky, when i say "May not like", i actually do mean it on the theoretical. Both my parents are hippie freaks, so as long as i'm happy, not hurting anyone and covering my responsibilities, they don't give a rat's ass if i'm a doctor or if i work at Taco Bell. Certainly, the more i achieve creatively or scholastically, the happier and prouder they are, but my mom would be ten times more proud of me for getting, say, a Fulbright Scholarship or a piece of art in the Smithsonian than she would if i made a hundred million dollars. And my dad, well, he just thinks i'm the very rays of the sun... it's SO cute. All this is not to say that we haven't had our trials in out time. Jus because my mom loves me sure doesn't mean she never yelled at me...


We got the MikeZ in the house, woot!Glue the ham, hat baby!

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adren@line


member
Location: Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

Total posts: 249
Posted:i was going to reply to a lot of what u all have said individually, but im tired and my brain is on overload at the moment, so i'll summerise...
queen of wands: i dont know about your parents, but i think my parents began my life by pushing me in the general direction they wanted which i am grateful for because i think im a better person because of the way i was brought up and their influence on me, but now they arent pushing me into their vision of life, they are happy with anything i do as long as it makes me happy, even if i dont end up in a 'smart' job which a lot of people expect, they are content with the fact that i am destined to be a performer, or something very practical and physical.
ivanyukov: i dont think anyone should demand unconditional love, i think it just happens, if its there its there and you are one helluva lucky person if it is.
pele: if you love your friends and dont know why, even if its conditional, if those conditions, whatever they are, dont get in the way of your friendship then you are really lucky and dont bother questioning it. and i COMPLETELY agree with your definition of love, and conditional like. i think that absolutely sums it up.
in conclusion (can you tell ive been studying?!?) i think it all comes down to how you define 'unconditional' which is your own personal opinion.
again, no offence intended to anyone, you are entitled to your opinion...


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TwirlyVic


TwirlyVic

northern monkey


Total posts: 235
Posted:i used to have A LOT of issues with my parents and a lot of those used to stem from how other people viewed my parents.

They saw them as "pushy" not in the things that i wanted to do, but academically. before my gcse's i was told if i didnt get at least 3 A grades my parents would never speak to me again. They were living their dreams through me.

I did really well in my gcses but failed my a-levels miserably. Still got onto my degree course though and am as happy as a fluffy bunny. It is a degree that i wanted to do even though i didnt think i wanted to go to uni, my parents pressed me and guess what?? I'm glad!

I would not have gone and doing so im beginning to find out more about myself.

My parents love seemed to be conditional,(like mike, they didnt want a daughter but a professional) but recently they've been to see every possible one of our fire gigs, have helped to get me gigs, lent me money to set up and have even approved me skipping uni to go to oz. The biggest proof was this year, instead of the next volume of the oxford encyclopedia for a birthday present, i recieved a balloon sculpture kit and festival tickets.

They realise I'm happy and all they ever wanted for me was that, only they originally thought that would be from education. They werent wrong, just wayward and i'm over the moon to have the relationship with them that i never thought i would have!

i hope for everyone that they remember parents are as human as we are and make many many mistakes. We all deserve forgiveness BOTH PARTIES!

vic xx


ex-hop-aholic, now inconsistent lurker...

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Gosilyn


member
Location: Houston area

Total posts: 4
Posted:My relationship with my parents is not unconditional. I love my mother because she is, just that, my mother. My father is the subject of another message board for another day. Over the years, mine and my mother's relationship has developed into an understanding of sorts. We are mother and child and we understand that while we have this relationship we are two very different people with different lives and belief systems. Some we share, others we don't. She believes that if she lives her life under a specified religious doctrine that she is a good person and will recieve her rewards in heaven. I, on the other hand, believe that God knows my heart and knows me and that my reward is whatever is mine to have from his hand. Religious differences aside. At the end of the day, we both know who we are and on some level there is that understanding of love. So now I look to my children and I wonder... Do I show them unconditional love? Or even to my partner? Is the love that I show them based on their actions? I can honestly say no. I love them. We have had some major hardships recently. On so many levels and I still NEED to be with them, whatever the amount or depth of reciprocation of that feeling. When my son told me he hated me and that he wanted me to die, I held him and loved him. After this incident when my partner suggested sending my son to live elsewhere because of his emotional instability, I freaked out, we fought, and I still loved him. When my daughter told me that she had hurt another child intentionally and said that she wasn't sorry and that she would happily do it again. I punished her and even then I loved her. Does this make me a weak person or does it mean that I have deluded myself somehow? Would it really be so unbelievable if I REALLY did love these people I care for unconditionally, even though this may not have been a lesson that I got from my own parents? The people closest to me know that I love them and that their feelings and actions towards me and that they are valued, reguardless. This is my experience. I believe in loving with your whole heart. No matter how hard it may be. Truth is always stranger than fiction. Just some food for thought...

As Always, Gosilyn

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin


Total posts: 5635
Posted:heres a thought:

your parents love for you is conditional on the fact that you are their child!!! thats a condition! if you werent their child then why would they love you?

same with every other relationship we have in our lives. That person is related/means something to me..... therefore i love them!


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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Thistle


Thistle

old hand
Location: Nottingham UK

Total posts: 950
Posted:Here's a counter thought, What about all the children who are adopted and are loved unconditionally?

Are we nearly there yet?

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Flynt
SILVER Member since May 2002

Flynt

Intrepid Penguin


Total posts: 5635
Posted:i think Thistle, they'd still come under the classification of bieng someones child `

just happily for them by choice `

when i think of unconditional love, i think about loving every single person on this earth, nothing held back, because i didnt like them, or know them, or anything! EEP!


Currently on the right side up of the world.

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queen of wands


member
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 127
Posted:quote: when i think of unconditional love, i think about loving every single person on this earth, nothing held back, because i didnt like them, or know them, or anything! EEP!THAT sounds like a mission!

Maybe its a bit off the track here (ie: not parent related)and it may sound a bit airy fairy i know... but maybe you could "love" someone you have never met or known simply by caring about their personal space and environment - using less water, donating to international aid charity, picking up that bit of rubbish etc. It's not something totally binary... you are loving every single person on earth by doing things like that?

I dunno... i just finished an exam and my brain feels like toasted marshmallow.


I'm not vegetarian, but currently I'm off my chops!

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