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Forums > Social Chat > Broke up, need support

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Dio


Dio

HoP Mechanical Engineer
Location: OK, USA

Total posts: 729
Posted:Hey guys last nite I broke up with my long-distance girlfriend, I know it was the right thing to do and I'm cool with it, but what I'm wondering is - how do u deal with the pain of knowing you've hurt someone?

This is the first time I've ever done the breaking up and I really am not sure how the feelings are supposed to go... like, I feel selfish, a bit mean, guilty, etc... and even though it was just a 2 1/2 month relationship I don't like that it ended up like that because I have a total philosophy against hurting others. Is it just a natural human thing to have to hurt someone sooner or later?

Advice plz my friends, cuz I know you're all great at cheerin me up.


What hits the fan is not evenly distributed.

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_Stix_


_Stix_

Pooh-Bah
Location: la-la land

Total posts: 2419
Posted:Don't you think you would have ended up hurting her more if you'd carried on with the relationship? From experience I would have prefured to be dumped sooner rather than later.. he spent 3 months more or less living with me (yes I thought 'this is it - he is the one!')

So the pain may be bad for her now - but imagine how sh would feel if you'd carried on half hearted for a few more months..? I think things like break up are actually good for people in teh long run.. After i picked up my life - yes it was one of the hardest things to do as I felt this was not a fling but a happy ever after thing.. I am a stronger person. I am still really good friends with him although I didn't speak to him for 3 months..

Its hard but life goes on.. at least you both still have your lives...

Please don't feel guilty - have remorse but don't feel guilty - if you had kept it going with no real oomph - then that is something to feel guity about..

hope my 2 pence helps.

Fluff and stuff
Niki


I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

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Dom
BRONZE Member since Dec 2001

Dom

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK

Total posts: 3009
Posted:Brody, you have my sympathy and thoughts.

The answer is I don't have the answer, I really, really wish that I did. What you're feeling sounds familiar and I reckon it's natural. If you felt nothing you'd be a bit too cold for my liking.

Somethings to think about:
Suffering is a fact of human existance. There is no way that you can live a normal life and not cause suffering to yourself or other people. You can, however, minimise your impact and deal with suffering in a way that reduces it's negative effects.
Whenever you enter a relationship you should be aware that this will, at some stage, cause some suffering. Most relationships are not forever and so you will break up with that person, and it will hurt. But everything that goes before that will make that hurt 'worthwhile'. It's a balancing act. An breaking up happens, when we start assigning guilt we create a very destructive feeling. The reality is that it happens, and guilt shouldn't play a part in this process.
Like Stix says, breaking up with somebody you don't think you should be with is a good thing. This intense hurt now prevents a longer, more drawn out suffering and a messier break-up in the future.

By focusing on your negative emotions you will only further promote them and this will lead to more suffering and turmoil within. To stop the hurt you have to be comfortable in yourself that what you did was the right thing. This won't make the hurt disappear, but by focusing on the benefits and positive aspects of your life, rather than the suffering, you will be able to deal with it.

Hope that helped.


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N8


member
Location: NY, USA

Total posts: 336
Posted:Often times your own mental stability is the most important thing in life. The will to be happy and secure is something that everyone looks for.

People get hurt, and you get hurt by people, it happens, and its not worth lamenting over. The Buddha said, Live in this moment. Because it will never return again.


Care of other people's approval and you become their prisoner.Live fully, Rave wholly.Fluid are the movements of my strings...

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dromepixie


dromepixie

veteran
Location: Florida

Total posts: 1463
Posted:quote:Originally posted by Brody:
I'm wondering is - how do u deal with the pain of knowing you've hurt someone?

Is it just a natural human thing to have to hurt someone sooner or later?I have done this twice and know exactly how you must feel right now. but you must realise that it is not your fault. If it wasnt working out it wasnt working and you had to say goodbye anyway...

'Don't you think you would have ended up hurting her more if you'd carried on with the relationship?'

I think stix hit the nail dead on! You see it took me so long the first time I had to break up with my firsy long-term relationship (8 months) but for me it was over after four... I ended up cheating on him after eight months and realised how unhappy I was in the relationship and for how long... To this day he doesnt know that I cheated and I still feel guilty about never telling him... But I have appologised for what I did and how I did it and now two and a half years later we are the best of friends! I never cheat; that was the first time... I felt very guilty knowing that I had gone so far I had not only hurt myself but now my stupidity had hurt someone else...

If I had broken up when I needed to it would never have been an issue and the break up would have been happier...

So you see you have avoided a situation like this and even though you have hurt someone you have done the right thing by not leading them on.

I admire you for showing courage and strength! You have done the right thing and I reccomend you just chill with friends whilst you get over it!

Good luck and hugs going your way, Drome


JUGGLEwithyourmind!

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ivan..


ivan..

member
Location: Halifax, NS

Total posts: 165
Posted:wanna hear a story?

so .. a long time ago i was in a relationship with the curch .. i wanted to be a priest .. three years of seminary , a couple of degrees in the attitude sciences.. and years of celibacy ...
okay ? all that was good and well but i just wasn't happy in the relationship .. so i changed the definiton of our relationship , by leaving seminary and getting married three months after i walked away from the church .. to a lesbian .. ( doesn't make a lot of sense when you see it written down does it? ) .. thre months after we got married we got seperated .. ( that does make alot of sense doesn't it ) and a year after that we were divorced ...

in both situations my minimum requirements for happiness were not being met... so i had to redifine my relationships .. with the church i went from be a servant of the religion to someone who used it ... in the marriage i went from being in a commited situation to being a friend ...

that was almost 10 years ago .. and i still enjoy a healthy friendship with spirituality and my ex-wife ( and her various girlfriends ) and i have found a good relationship to be in ...

sometimes you have to change the way you realate to people and things to keep your minimum daily happiness requirements .. and in the long run it's always the best .. so feel a little guilty and a little selfish .. but it would have been worse to lie about your feelings and hurt someone worse down the road...

be honest to yourself and with all your relationships and accept that all things have to change sometime ...

oh and remember that your friends ( who ever they are ) will always love ya ... and thats almost enough to mmet mos peoples minimum daily happiness requirements

pax,
ivan


thats right i look like an albino ape that has had a bad day.. go ahead say something stupid... i dare ya !

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Kat
BRONZE Member since Dec 2000

Kat

Pooh-Bah
Location: London

Total posts: 2211
Posted:Hey Brody,

I broke up with my boyf of almost 4 years by phone! He was in Australia and I was in Japan. Sounds heartless I know and very horrible to do by phone, but well he was being a jealous ass for months as he could not handle us being far apart. I knew that best thing for us was to break up. Possibly would not have the courage to do it face to face actually as I would have convinced myslef to give it one more chance, its always hard saying bye to someone you love or like.

Break ups hurt no matter what, but how much worse if your girlfriend was all excited about you coming to visit or worse visit you only to be dumped?


Come faeries, take me out of this dull world, for I would ride with you upon the wind and dance upon the mountains like a flame.

- W B Yeats

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FireMikeZ


FireMikeZ

Laguna dude
Location: Laguna, California, US

Total posts: 1438
Posted:quote:Originally posted by Brody:
(1) what I'm wondering is - how do u deal with the pain of knowing you've hurt someone?

[. . .]

(2) I have a total philosophy against hurting others.

(3) Is it just a natural human thing to have to hurt someone sooner or later?Brody,

(3) It's natural that sometimes people get hurt, regardless of intention and even the most careful, sensitive actions on your part. Not only humans, bro, all living things. . . sometimes they get hurt, and if you live more than a few seconds, each of us has to eat, for one, consuming something else, maybe hurting. This is NOT a moral preference.

(2) It's why good people like you work so hard so constantly to minimize the hurts. And more than that, dedicate yourself to fulfillment, satisfaction, and joy for us all. This IS a moral preference.

(1.1) Many ways to "deal with" your pain and your ex's hurt. For you, my instinctive suggestion is, honor your pain first - it's part of your nobility. Your goodness in being troubled and having a loving attitude is part of what comes with your path, as with mine. So it's a good pain. Then you can deal with the pain itself, but it's not all that's happening, and it means something more beautiful yet.

(1.2) Now to deal with the pain? Second step, forgive yourself. Because of (3) and (2). Forgiveness is something in addition to (2); do you forgive others, can you forgive others, who harm others yet, for 2 layers: (1.2.1) because it's naturally unavoidable in our living universe (1.2.2) they may be trying hard to avoid hurting others and doing their best or close to it (1.2.3) even if they intend harm, can you forgive them their weakness/ some antisocial instinct they feel/ evil?

(1.3) Still have to deal with your pain & your ex's hurt! Yes, time helps, not because of numbing and forgetting, but because if you honor your pain, you will work THROUGH it and come to a different stage, and we warmly hope she will do well working through hers on her path.

& it's just chance that i haven't met you yet, you have my friendship, sympathy, the best i have to offer from my poor experience to help you as significantly as i can, and all my love,

~ Mikie

[ 17 October 2002, 08:54: Message edited by: FreMke ]


molten cheers,

~ FireMike

FireMikeZ@yahoo.com (personal messages welcome, no promo spam, please!)
Laguna, California, US

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_Stix_


_Stix_

Pooh-Bah
Location: la-la land

Total posts: 2419
Posted:Oh Mike - you always say the nicest most sensibubble things..

I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:And, not only that, Brody, but FireMike has just volunteered to take you out on a date!

(Hey...come on! Let's see a smile! No fair pouting!)

[ 17 October 2002, 06:26: Message edited by: MikeGinny ]


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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_Stix_


_Stix_

Pooh-Bah
Location: la-la land

Total posts: 2419
Posted:Huh? waaa? me? or are you doing that wave thing across the crowd to someone standing behind me??

(hate that when it happens)


I honour you as an aspect of myself..

You are never to old to storm a bouncey castle..

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Kabukiman


member
Location: Washington, USA

Total posts: 42
Posted:hmm... let's see how to word this...

Props to you for realizing there was a problem with the way things were going and doing something. That whole, I'm going to be nice and tough it out for the sake of not hurting someone doesn't work very well. Psychologicaly speaking, it's a very high stress situation and the more you drag it out the worse things get and the damage grows exponentialy.

In an example...It took 2 and a half years before my ex and I called it quits (the whole relationship was 3.5 years, only one of which I was happy). The relief of stress was such that I lost 30 pounds in one week (not because I wasn't eating like a pig, I was), and actually regrew hair (previously I had been balding). Yes breaking up did suck... it sucked a lot... but I eventually learned that it was one of the best things to happen to me. It's definately an improvement that is hard to see at first, but once you get a feel for what is going on and the change it will be a possitive thing. But I'm sure that you've heard that many times over.

Feel good about yourself... don't let the stress get you down.


I wouldn't know... I've never given a cartoon character an orgasm.

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Dio


Dio

HoP Mechanical Engineer
Location: OK, USA

Total posts: 729
Posted:Thankyuu everyone, I'm takin it day by day and really appreciate the sympathy and advice. Guess now is just the time to devote my thoughts to new poi moves or somethin and keep on keepin' on, as Mr Joe Dirt says.

to all!

Oh, and Mike - you pickin me up? I do like to be treated like a princess...


What hits the fan is not evenly distributed.

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FireMikeZ


FireMikeZ

Laguna dude
Location: Laguna, California, US

Total posts: 1438
Posted:hey, Brody, no sweat (er. . .) anythin for a friend, even tho Ginny's too chicken to take you on a date like i will (whateva??)

& if ya want, we can cruise open for chix too



hey, have a good spin until i get there, she's an old bitch of a car, but she's still runnin with a lil love, bless her, we'll go out anywhere ya want, do anything (gremfldfjdljf. . .????) ya want, dude!

with warmest love, i ain't afraid to tell ya,

~ Mikie


molten cheers,

~ FireMike

FireMikeZ@yahoo.com (personal messages welcome, no promo spam, please!)
Laguna, California, US

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FireMikeZ


FireMikeZ

Laguna dude
Location: Laguna, California, US

Total posts: 1438
Posted:yo Vern,

start off, since it's light no matter if ya hungry much or not while post-lovesick, dude, wanna cruise over to town, get some hotdogs with dat nuclear-green glow relish, ya do those, princess?

( * grin * )

~ Mikie


molten cheers,

~ FireMike

FireMikeZ@yahoo.com (personal messages welcome, no promo spam, please!)
Laguna, California, US

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Raphael96
SILVER Member since Sep 2002

old hand
Location: New York City

Total posts: 899
Posted:All you can do is learn from this experience.

Its impossible to hurt others or get hurt yourself in relationships.

Being honest and open about your feelings is the best way to avoid as much drama as you can which will lessen future pain on both sides.

Just my 2 cents.

Raph


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Cassandra


Cassandra

Froggie ... Ribbit !!!
Location: Back in Paris... for now !

Total posts: 4224
Posted:Cant say much more than what has allready been said wisely here
Time heals

Am just sending you warm hugs, sunshine, smiles, fairy dust, sympathy and much love

Take care of yourself and why not make a silly list of random things you love in your life to cheer you up


Shine on
Cass


"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"

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Rozi
SILVER Member since Jan 2002

100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

Total posts: 2996
Posted:Hey Brody,



Take care of yourself (and I mean that very seriously, be gentle with yourself)

Roz


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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Raymund Phule (Fireproof)


Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California

Total posts: 2905
Posted:Dude I dont know what to tell you, other than, remember the good times and forget the bad. Be her friend. Dont copy me and the majority of my relationships, be friends, stay friends.

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"

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Eman
BRONZE Member since Jul 2001

member
Location: Albany,New York

Total posts: 18
Posted:hey buddy...at least she didnt get you first...relationships are tough, and long distance espicially....but i would steer clear of the relationship thing....unless you wanna get you head fucked up by a girl who you truly loved....kinda like me
dont put your whole heart into it, cause no ones gonna pick up the pieces when it breaks...except for you
Good luck


Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait pas

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