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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:I am in a relatively new relationship (3 months) and have been having problems with myself.

So I guess I am looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation and have gotten "over it".

You see my problem is that my ex cheated on me twice and now I am having immense problems trusting...everytime a girl calls or looks at my new man in the wrong way the little green eyed monster rears her ugly head inside me.

I go very quiet and tend to get very grumpy.

I trust my new man totally it's the women I don't trust...sad I know.

I hate being angry liket his whenever a woman talks to him...why do I think that every female on the earth wants to steal my man from me?
I know it's not true it's just that because of what my ex did I just can't seem to trust anyone.

I love this new man to pieces and am starting to think that if I keep acting like the complete dill that I am being that it is going to ruin our relationship.

I don't want to lose this guy because he is the sweetest, most lovely man I know....I love him and am scared of losing him...

Can anyone help me? Is there anyway I can stop my stupid insecurities?


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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:What does he say darl when you have talked to him about it.

Your lovely guy comes across as very sincere and completely different to the man who ripped you apart before. He adores you.

But Im the last person to offer relationship advice


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:I haven't really talked about it...I just shut my mouth and say nothing and get really moody...



What am I supposed to say really?



I hate the fact that women talk to you? I'm scared that even though you are nothing like my ex that these women will steal you away from me?



Sounds so stupid.



It's something I need to get over I know that I just don't know how and I hate being so moody whenever he talks to another woman.


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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Youve known this guy for a fair while now and so have a fair idea of his character out of your relationship.
As long as you trust him the other people dont matter. You are with a lovely attractive man, of course other people will want to talk and be with him. Same as he will have with you. People want to talk to you both. Its what he does with them that counts.
Can you say along the lines of "Im moody when this happens due to my insecurities and I am working on it, its nothing you are doing, thanks for being the patient legend that you are"

Dont punish yourself and your happiness because of the other guy, dont give that other tosser power over you still.


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:So how do I make myself feel like I don't want to rip these chicks eyeballs out of their head?

Cause at the moment there is this one chick who rings him constantly and all I want to do is do some harm to her.

Everytime the phone rings and I know it is her I have to walk away before I lose it.

This isn't the first time it has happened either...there was an incident about two months ago with him and one of my friends (yes you know the girl too gnor) and I knew that she would never have done anything but I still felt so angry inside when I saw them talking.


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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Hmm....self affirmation.....??????

Arrgghh.....

Sorry darl..


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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J-J
member
Location: Perth, Australia
Member Since: 14th Jul 2005
Total posts: 41
Posted:We are irrational creatures at times, I speak from experience... rolleyes

Personally I believe communication is the most important thing in a relationship so I think it's important that you talk to him. Even if you do think it sounds stupid to say:
I hate the fact that women talk to you? I'm scared that even though you are nothing like my ex that these women will steal you away from me?

Talking to him will help you deal with your insecurities, it will help him understand why you may react the way you do and maybe together you can come up with ways that can make you feel better about the situation.

For example (and this is just something I would appreciate if I were in that situation) if he knows it bothers you, he can do something to make you feel special when that girl rings such as hug

You do need to make sure that you make it clear that it is your insecurities that are the problem, not that you don't trust him. Hence gnor's advice is a good way to approach the subject.
"Im moody when this happens due to my insecurities and I am working on it, its nothing you are doing, thanks for being the patient legend that you are"


"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by" - Douglas Adams

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J-J
member
Location: Perth, Australia
Member Since: 14th Jul 2005
Total posts: 41
Posted:Oh, I forgot to add... pick a time to talk to him when you are both feeling calm and relaxed (and preferably feeling close to each other). If you start off from being upset or angry then it will all go downhill from there. Or at least in my experience.

As a general note.
Insecurities, for me anyway, tend to only arise in situations where you don't feel that you are good enough. This is just something you have to work on. I'd say that having an ex cheat on you is likely to make you insecure and doubt your 'loveableness' or whatever. It would me, anyway. But the only way you are going to get over it is to change the way you view yourself. Only you can do this, although your guy may be able to help.

It may sound stupid, but I recommend telling yourself that you are a wonderful person and that you deserve to be with C. And also say "why would he want to be with anyone else when he's got me" Then list all the wonderful things about yourself (listing your faults is not allowed here, we are trying get rid of your insecurities). If you're having trouble thinking of your good points - ask C, i'm sure he can think of tons, or other people who know you well

Here are just a few to start you off:
- you're good at organising things (Lancelin was awesome)
- you're a surviver cause you've made it through some tough times

gnor: it's your turn, you know Fi better than me.

Even though it sounds silly, if you tell yourself how great you are (very great! biggrin) and say it with meaning, one day you'll actually believe it. Then you also wonder why you ever thought those girls had even the slightest chance of succeeding in stealing your guy.

Getting over insecurities is never easy. You have days when all you seem to do is slide backward and lose all the progress you thought you'd gained, but then you also have days when you can actually see a positive difference. The important thing is to praise yourself when you see an improvement (even the slightest improvement such as wanting to tell the chick to f*** off rather than ripping her eyeballs out of her head), and to not be too hard on yourself when you seem to have a relapse.

Here's to hoping that you spend more time going forwards than backwards
hug


"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by" - Douglas Adams

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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:Talking to him about it really is the best idea, I've been in the same situation, but with my boyfriend at the time in your position. Left to fester, this issue can become a huge problem.

The advice I'd offer is be careful with your wording, admitting you're uncomfortable with these girls makes him aware of the problem, definitely make it clear that you trust him, but I would strongly advise against the sentence (noticed in one of your earlier posts) 'I trust you but it's these women I don't trust'. That sentence can be taking as insulting to him, because if you trust him, their intentions (if there are any) are annoying and rude but shouldn't make you feel they'll succeed. I heard that exact sentence from my ex. (except substituting men for women in my case) My reply was something along the lines of 'Rubbish. If you really trusted me you wouldn't be worried. If you turned out to be right and one of those guys tried anything, but you trust me, you'd be smug in the knowledge that he'd get the slap in the face he deserved for coming onto your girlfriend' It's a sentence that might put him on the defensive.


(Of course, in my case it ended up being the jealous boyfriend who had a small indescretion, not me, but that's a whole other story...)

Make it clear it's a problem that's not his fault, that you trust him and that you're working on it, he should respect your honesty smile
Be careful never to take it out on or snap at him if a girl's been friendly and he's done no wrong, so no tension or resentment builds up between you.

Um, don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so


The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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WOFT
Likes trees...
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
Member Since: 9th May 2005
Total posts: 209
Posted:Again, IMHO the best is talking.

When I first started going out with my girlfriend, we were introduced by an extrovert of a guy, a very good friend to both of us. He is very outspoken, funny and talkative. generally, whenever they are together, the talk turns sexual. kind of like fake flirting. this bothered me a lot. like you, I would leave the room when this happend.

I confronted her about. I simply told her that I know that this guy is both of our friend, but a really care about her so much that I feel insucure when they talk/flirt, even in a joking manner.

She was a bit suprised when I spoke to her, but it was reallythe best thing. we spent a few hours chatting and sorted out our little insecurities. We set the mood out at the beginning to talk nicely to each other and be completely honest. we didn't try hurt each other, we shared our insecurities.

That was about a year ago, and we are still together. our friend has admitted to being homosexual, and they still "flirt' together. we really sorted things out at the beginning and got to know each other much better.

Sorry to those who read this and feel sick at the soppiness, but thats how it worked for us.

Good luck Medusa...


'n Boer maak 'n plan.

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Miko
newbie
Location: Osaka/world tour
Member Since: 17th Jul 2005
Total posts: 21
Posted:Hello, I am a newbie, and don't know you folks. So feel free to tell me to butt out. Topic caught my eye. been in similar situation. And agree with everyone on communication being #1 solution. With my old honey, similar situation, made worse by the gal he always talked to being His ex-girlfriend. grrowl. So after a supper sat and chatted and he was completely blown away my my admiting to feeling insecure and green eyed. He said honestly he did not realise how his keeping old flirty habits would bother. It was not a case of him not caring, but that well, for guys, habits are Habits. And being nice to the opposite gender, even flirty, is ingrained imperitive , even if attatched. But once he knew how I felt, he made more effort to include me in his interactions. Like when ex called he would ask if it was important because he was relaxing at home with (me) his sweetheart. And made sure to introduce me when chatting with strangers. Turns out was not so much my fear of him being stolen away, as simply feeling left out, on the side. does that make sense?
In any case, your honey is bound to appreciate you telling him what's up. You never know, he may be chatting with others because he feels you are upset with him and does not know why. Us ladies can be too mysterious for words for the blokes.
best of luck,
Miss miko


"Don't be silly, everbody knows it's Turtles! Turtles,All the way Down!" unknown attendee of Stephen Hawkings/Kip Thorne Lecture.(used by Terry Pratchett too)

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Igirisujin
Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston
Member Since: 10th Jul 2005
Total posts: 2666
Posted:Talk to him and tell him that you have been hurt in the past, and that you can get jelouse when other woman talk to him. Just make sure he understands that its -not- that you dont trust him, its the woman you dont trust, talk together and let him put your mind at ease.

If he is the right man for you he will understand.


Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:Did you get a chance to talk to him? Its not going to help you at the moment being tired and unwell, that never helps us to think in a truly rational manner.
Have a think about the wonderful things he says to you and savour them. Revel in the wonderful relationship you have and take care of you. Your wonderful Finess of self.

hug hug


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:Yes I talked to him and turns out that the woman I am having problems with I am not being paranoid about...she is actually trying to cut me out of the picture...

She rings him constantly and last night apparently had a bit of a hissy fit when she kept asking him out and he kept telling her he had to check with me..."what are you guys connected at the hip or something?". She invites him to all the events but not me...and she has even asked if he wants to spend Christmas with her in Normway (minus me again).

So we talked it out last night...and I have told him that I trust him immensley it is just due to my past hurt that I find it very hard to trust the women and that his flirty nature sometimes comes across the wrong way. (which he then admitted I am not the first one to tell him this).

He assured me he had no interest in the woman in question and I believe him I mean if he did have interest in her he would jump at the chance to go out with her alone...right?

So we talked for a fair while and I think he understands where I am at...he even told me he thinks it is kinda cute that I get so defensive over him it obviously mean that I care for him....(now that is strange).

But I will still have to learn to control it I know....it may be "cute" now but if it keeps going I am sure it will wear thin after a while.


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polythene
veteran
Location: London/ Surrey
Member Since: 15th May 2003
Total posts: 1359
Posted:From what you've said, all the signs seem good smile

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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The Tea Fairy
The Tea Fairy

old hand
Location: Behind you...
Member Since: 2nd Jul 2004
Total posts: 853
Posted:It's not so strange he thinks it's cute you get defensive... my boyfriend gets paranoid about me going out with other guys sometimes, but I know it is just because he loves me so much and he gets a bit freaked out about things that might go wrong sometimes. I love his little insecurities too. The important thing is that you do talk about calmly when it bothers you, sulking and getting moody doesn't help things.

Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan

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squarexbear
squarexbear

....of doom!
Location: Hastings, UK
Member Since: 17th Apr 2005
Total posts: 585
Posted:Ultimately once you feel better about yourself (takes time but it happens..and having a lovely boyfriend is brilliant for helping you along smile ) those feelings will go away...

I was so used to feeling like that about every. single. girl that approached my ex, that i get surprised when i realise i'm not thinking it about staffboy. a lol of this is to do with feeling a hundred times better about myself and looking at life with this view: you only do the things you want to. it might cut out about a billon shades of grey, but at least this way i can reassure myself that if staffboy wanted to be somewhere else he would be and he's not, therefore etc etc.

as for the the girl in question: she would make the securest person a little bit paranoid..she sounds like she needs to be told that her behaviour is verging on the innapropriate (it is completely innapropriate, but verging makes it sound nice) and that she needs to back off. preferably by your boy.


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Puk
Puk

Sweet talented nutter
Location: Brisbane Oz
Member Since: 3rd Aug 2002
Total posts: 2615
Posted:Are you sure your ready for a realtionship ?
Are you sure he's not playing games as well?
WHy would a guy let a girl call him if he's in a realtionship?


that shrewd and knavish sprite

Called Robin Good Fellow ; are you not he that is frighten of the maidens of the villagery - fairy

I am the merry wander of the night -puk

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hexagonic
hexagonic

Clubbles Jugs
Location: Manchester
Member Since: 18th Feb 2004
Total posts: 1687
Posted:my ex cheated on me twice too. i told this to my new bird on our first date, and we had a long chat about it. I suppose if he says yes to spending xmas with her, not you, you got problems, but if he would rather spend christmas with you you're ok.

As for this bitch being interested in your man, i would see it as a compliment, but as long as he keeps on turning her down, then i guess it's ok.

Out of interest how is your man and this bird connected - if she keeps on asking him to events, and out in general? what do they have in common which you don't have in common?


ah wah wah wah a wah wah

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Igirisujin
Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston
Member Since: 10th Jul 2005
Total posts: 2666
Posted:Medusa If it was me I would talk with him and suggest that we both see this woman and calmly tell her that she needs to get out of both of your lives 100%, if she sees the two of you takeing the time to come and see her and telling her in an adult and sensible (yeat clear and firm way) that he has chaosen you over her she will get the point that she cant win him, and she should move on.



Of course I would make it clear to him that we both need to stay perfectly calm and tell her in an adult way to stop doing this. I wouldnt think it would work alone because she would take this as a sign that your relationship has a week point, her badgering your man is only bothering you when it should be bothering him as well.



She keeps calling him? Do you live together? Will changing your telephone number help? If he gives her the new telephone number you know something fishy is going on and you gotta walk away and never look back.



Thats what I'de do personally

EDITED_BY: Brit_Joe (1122160214)


Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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