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Forums > Social Chat > Can you be friends after a break-up?

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DFZ
BRONZE Member since Apr 2004

DFZ

Christian Death Metal Anyone?
Location: Ipswich, Queensland

Total posts: 313
Posted:I got to work this morning and the first email i recieved was from my girlfriend (now Ex). We've been having problems for the last month and today she decided to end our relationship.

This was my first "Real" Relationship and We still want to be friends.

Can this work? Has it worked for you? Any tips would be great and much appreciated!


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright

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Seraphire


Seraphire

HoP's Original Smelly-Hippie-Scum-Bag
Location: Under your stairs

Total posts: 270
Posted:I've got no idea how to go about it. Its been a month and a half since we broke up. I agree with Mark Mark. I suppose its the terms on which you broke up which will influence the abilities you'll have to be friends. In my case I'm not too optimistic.

Music gives Soul to the Universe, Wings to the Mind, Flight to the Imagination and Life to Everything.

Educate yourself in the Hazards of Fire Breathing STAY SAFE! hug

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted:I'm VERY good friends with three ex girlfriends.
And civil aquaintances to a few others.
And lost touch with a few others.

I'm not really grumpy with any of them. It just didn't work out.

My friend and I used to joke that we wished we could break up with someone FIRST because that's the only time you really get to see their other side.

I'm also thankful that I've got a girlie who's not jealous of my exes. That's a very nice thing. hug

My previous girlfriends weren't always so understanding.


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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PK_
BRONZE Member since Dec 2001

PK_

Lambretta Fanatic


Total posts: 4993
Posted:NYC, maybe when we grow older we understand that these things do not matter, we all have history, if an ex is still a big part of your life then they will have to accept that, if they do and they understand then that is even better.
we certainly can not be virgins again for each partner how ever much it would be better for all... therefore for me, i dont care, im not jealous, im not bitter, i have no enemies all i have is love, understanding and friendships with all in my life.

now where did i put my cherry?.....

and to break up with some one that you really cared for but didnt realise how much until it was too late and are still good friends with them, the pain and hurt that you feel when eventually they tell you just how much it hurt them when you ended the relationship hurts just as much as getting dumped... i know i had that happen only a week ago... all i can do now is learn from what i did in the past and from what i have learned from it since never do it again to any one else.

pk was a bad person i know this i am his brain cells... he was cruel and mean and hurt people but now is a loving and caring person who will do no harm to another and loves his wife to be very much.

hug to all those who are suffering in relationships, there is a brightside, just learn from all and understand your journey in this existance.


PK.

"To be an angel, one need not have wings.
In giving love there is an equal grace.
Nor need one seek the aura in the face,
As love unveils the beauty of all things."

*Francois Couperin.

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Stormy, Queen of Vodka


Stormy, Queen of Vodka

The HoP Industrial Rainbow Fairy
Location: Near Portsmouth, UK

Total posts: 385
Posted:To re-surface this thread I think it can be done. I mean I broke up with mine over a month ago now and even though there have been misunderstandings we're ok. The only tough part is knowing where you stand. In my case myself and my ex still quite like each other and that kind of blurs the boundaries a little, making sorting out whether ours is to be a friendship or another try at a relationship dificult. But nonetheless, we're working things out and he seems to be happy, even though I'm still hurting a little. I know all too well now how it feels to break up with someone and then have an epiphany...to realise how badly you treated them and how much you love them after they're gone is possibly one of the hardest things in the world. I suppose it's because I've always had that 'man-eater' reputation. I've not previously found what I would call love and I've always done the dumping so it makes being on the other side for the first time really hard. But I'm coping and I'd like to think we're getting along ok now.

To conclude I think I'll agree with Mark Mark and say that yes it depends very much on the circumstances of the break-up and how the two of you communicate. If you really want it to work as friends, it will. It just takes time and effort I guess smile


.You've got invisible fangs and cherry nun bangs,
Your erotic cabaret is non stop
You're wearing too many belts
And I bet they leave welts
Shut up and dance cause I wanna pop.

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Delirium_Star


Delirium_Star

member
Location: Portsmouth

Total posts: 73
Posted:Break up's can oftern be very one sided, I have discovered that no matter how they treated you, or you treated them they oftern turn out to become really good friends after everything. They know almost everything about you as you do them, and are oftern there for you when you need them, no matter what there will always be a small part that will care for you as a friend unless you were that nasty they don't want to call you a friend because you hurt them that much, but yes when the boundaries do tend to get a litte mixed up, emotions start to flare, and that is oftern recent after a break up and you manage to be friends but it get's harder and becomes the start of the end of that great friendship due to uncomfortable feelings and such things, it's oftern best to let them be as free as possable when you break up, but still maintaine that friendly but not so flirty contact as long as there is no jelousy or assumptions and plenty of calm comminication everything oftern turns out fine. you'll also notice alot of the time relationships oftern have the harsh one and the victim (the nice one that gets walked all over)and when 2 nice people get together they oftern argue about what to do and stuff because they are used to being told what they are doing and not making the decisions.



So to end this I would say yes you can as long as you/they can let go.



I hope that makes sence yo you guys xXx

EDITED_BY: Delirium_Star (1115311193)


+Delirium_57412+

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Shu
BRONZE Member since Apr 2005

Shu

Retro Fyre Wizzard
Location: Pietermaritzburg (KZN)

Total posts: 538
Posted:depending on the depth of your realationship...

depending on the other person in the relationship...

depending on the situation(s) causing the break-up...

depending on ... okay okay - many things...

being friends is not only possible but often a good thing too... cos you can relate and talk on an different level!

if you've had an intese relationship... space is really good, sometimes you need lots, sometimes only a little...

My GF (of 4 months) broke up with me last tuesday... i could see it comming... (long story)... essentially we shouldnt have started... there were initially no expectations and we were just comfortable in each others space and energy! She actually wanted a little more, but i couldnt offer tht to ne1, not just her...

we're still friends, and see each other every now and again... it's all good! but this situation worked out tht way...

my previous GF was a totally different story, i could nt stand the sight of her for about 6 months after we broke up... then i got over it, and we were probably better friends that we had ever been before that, unfortunately she was killed in a car accident last year frown

there is only ex-1 GF tht i will never be close to again! extreme circumstance! (<-not going there)

it's always possible to be friends after a break up...
weather you (or the other person) actually want to is an entirely different story!

hope this helps your cause!


Regards hug

Shu
(Ice-E FyreStorm - Group Manager & Performer)

You know those people your parentals warned you about?... I'M ONE OF THEM! ubbloco
Yes, i do bite!!

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PyroWill
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines

Total posts: 4437
Posted:I find it varies totally on the nature of the relationship and how the break up was. But eveyrone is different, my mates gf turned intoa lesbian and now tbhey r great mates but i think he is just hiding hsi upset, he was in lvoe with the girl for 2 years so its not somethign you just get over, but im still mates witha few ex's, but the prob is the relationship will always come back to haunt you. there will always be either a bit of tension or a bit of longing for what was, be careful!

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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Dixie
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

Dixie

old hand
Location: Darkest Bedford.

Total posts: 740
Posted:Never.

frown


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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 3999
Posted:grouphug

frown


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Dixie
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

Dixie

old hand
Location: Darkest Bedford.

Total posts: 740
Posted:*Wipes away Tears*

Thanks Froggy. Feel better.


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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 3999
Posted:adds another hug for good measure

Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Dixie
GOLD Member since Mar 2005

Dixie

old hand
Location: Darkest Bedford.

Total posts: 740
Posted:meditate

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Silvur
BRONZE Member since Sep 2003

Silvur

sumthin sumin smmnm....
Location: home sweet home

Total posts: 372
Posted:i have to say no, because i have yet to stay friends with an ex. the last real ex i had, we'd been together on and off for 3 and a half years, and i fell so in love with him, i was convinced he was the one. \

we'd talked about getting married (tho it was always him that brought it up, not me), and to us, we were meant for eachother. i mean, he wasn't perfect, but neither was i.

i finally ended it for good one night, we had broken up before and were playing the whole "trying to make it work" game when i realised that he really was the self-centered ass that everyone kept telling me he was. it took me getting very hurt to see it.

i don't think i want to be friends with him again, partly because it's never worked for us to stay friends in the past, but mostly because i know that in order for me to get over him, i have to let him go from every aspect of my life. i wan't to be a better person, and holding on to him and the hurt he's caused me won't help any.

but my opinion is just one of many, i wouldn't pay much attention, really.

good luck.


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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 3999
Posted:i'm now thinking that it may actually not be that easy, or could it just be because i have spent the weekend with loads of nice people and come back to a messy house where i have 0 respect off anyone.
yes i am now single and actually its for the best but right now it sucks. we are still sharing the same house and bed...(and before you ask we don't snuggle) the thing is i have a few probs and kinda need him here for support, as some mornings i can't get up let alone taking the kids to school. but the house is so tense frown and really awkward. i don't hate him, never could but i think it would be easier if i did and had thrown him out, but then i would be left with not being able to cope, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh life truley sucks


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Mynci
BRONZE Member since Apr 2005

Mynci

Macaque of all trades
Location: wombling free...

Total posts: 8737
Posted:I'll be fair. it's not really working for me. she dislikes i've found someone else before she has

A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.

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Sniper
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Sniper

Snoochie-boochie-noochies!


Total posts: 663
Posted:for me, no. everyone who i ever thought wanted to be with me turned out to be full of censored. break up is always the last i ever hear from them

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Seb


Seb

Penguin of Mass Destruction and Tricky Bugger to the court of Claire the Askew
Location: Check behind you.

Total posts: 643
Posted:Friendship afterwards definately can happen, it depends on the relationship itself.
My philosophy of it is that I wouldn't go out with anyone whose company I didn't enjoy, and anyone I'd go out with enjoys my company else thwey wouldn't have started. Of course not everyone works like this...friendship's fun though, so I hope you get platonic properly.


Chucks nuns
Property of mynci and blu_valley, and proud of it.

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FoxInDocs
SILVER Member since Jul 2005

FoxInDocs

Pooh-Bah
Location: Adelaide, SA

Total posts: 1848
Posted:
it can work...

i couldn't stand the sight of my ex for a year after we broke up, i wasn't in love with him, but i think it was close... we have alot of mutual friends and we'd be at the same parties, i couldn't make eyecontact with him, it made me sick to my stomach...

but then we were at a party one night at some dude i'd never met's place... and i sat down next to him on a couch on the blacony, i was cold and he lent me his jacket, and we just started talking like nothing had ever happened...

we're not best friends or anything, we can still even be a little awkward around each other alot of the time, but we have similar interests, and we're both quite intelligent people, and when we think noone's looking we have some really fantastic conversations...

hope that helps...


"i am exotic, and must keep my arms down" - Rougie

"i don't understand what penises have to do with getting married" - Foxie

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BansheeCat
BRONZE Member since Jul 2005

veteran
Location: lost

Total posts: 1247
Posted:Were you truly friends before the breakup?

If yes, then it is likely when everything settles down you will be friends again... If friendship was never the heart of the relationship, then obviously you would be unlikely to find it after!

I am working on friendship with my ex-husband... after ten years together, it has been hard to be apart. The circumstances of the breakup were sudden, and hurtful. I left the whole thing to come to this small strange island to find peace and heal.Avoided him for ages, until prepared to look at it without all the pain and anger.

Learning to find the friendship again has been challenging. But worth it . I like to think I chose my love well, and even if it did not workout as a lifetime together he is still an extraordinary person, who I spent most of my adult life with. That means something to me.

Strangely, in crisis recently, he is the only friend that was able there for me in the ways I needed. I have been unable to talk about some of what has been happenning. He just "got it" without me needing to use words, knew how to handle it without me asking. Despite the negative end, our time together did have a solid core of friendship that surfaced when most needed. It went a long way to healing the old issues for sure.

As for more recent ex's, more casual relationships that ended etc, we are all friends. I say "all", because sometimes it is pretty amusing when we are hanging out together and I realize they all know each other through me! My friends call it my Harem lol, cause they still treat me really well ( as I do them). We enjoy each other.

Jealousy occasionally surfaces , but we dont give it any energy. The desire that was once so much a focus does fade, in time. Since we want each other to be happy, we actually celebrate when one of us is lucky enough to meet someone great. There is still love there, just of a different sort now. Even my very first boyfriend is still my one of my best friends!

So, If you both behave with friendship respect and integrity within the relationship, it will be there when you get out... Even when one has behaved badly you may be able to forgive and move on, still grow as friends. Sometimes not. If the person was important to you it is worth taking a little time to find out

It is completely okay to let some people and friendships go, gently and with affection, if you feel they can no longer be a healthy happy part of your life.

good luck

ps gothfrogette, a huge hug to you. sounds like you need outta there pronto!


"God *was* my co-pilot, but then we crashed, and I had to eat him..."

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TinklePants
GOLD Member since Jul 2005

TinklePants

Clique Infiltrator, Cunning Linguist and Master Debator
Location: Edinburgh burgh burrrrrr

Total posts: 4217
Posted:*thinks*... ummmmmm well only one - my first boyfriend - but i was 11 at the time (he was ten - I like toyboys ubblol) ended up dating his cousin 4 yrs later.... he dumped me on valentine's day (classy huh) thus i realised that men can be so callous at times.

Always use "so's your face" and "only on Tuesdays" in as many conversations possible

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Mynci
BRONZE Member since Apr 2005

Mynci

Macaque of all trades
Location: wombling free...

Total posts: 8737
Posted:Glad it works for some people...i do hope we can be friends coz when my ex is in a good mood she is a great person and we share a lot in common.. hopefully it's just a bit too soon and the wound a little too fresh. You guys give me hope... smile

A couple of balls short of a full cascade... or maybe a few cards short of a deck... we'll see how this all fans out.

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blu_valley
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

blu_valley

fluffy mess
Location: Brighton

Total posts: 197
Posted:I'm friends with all my ex's apart from the very last one,but thats just because it ended very very nastily,and we cant be in the same room without creating awkwardness and tension which everyone can feel. It does just depend on the nature of the relationship, because my other ex's are still some of my closest friends, and I wouldnt give their friendships up for the world!

"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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Nucleopoi
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Nucleopoi

chemical attraction
Location: Ilkeston, Derbyshire, England

Total posts: 1097
Posted:i am friends with all my exes but it took time for them to get used to the. I dont understand why people cant stay friends after a break up unless it was a messy one caused by 2 timing or something.

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