Page: 12
_So_
BRONZE Member since Feb 2004

Skinny poi maker
Location: Moscow, Russia

Total posts: 313
Posted:Hi guys
Im posting this because o9f the conflict I've had with my mum, which ended up with us not talking, and using e-mail to communicate.
Its a very ling story, so I wont be telling it from the beginning to the en, but anyway, the point is that my mum concideres everything i do as a mistake.
ok, yeah, Im not ideal, and i know where im wrong. But the thing is, i cant live the life by my mum's script. She is very wise and young in her soul, and ppl cant tell that she's much older then me when they look at us. My friends love her, and she loves them - they talk to her as to a friend. But the thing is, I'm being a headache for her. Because I dont want to choose the way of life she wants me to choose. The way of life, which consists of struggling for the future. ALWAYS struggling for the future. And when does this bright future come? This way never. Because ill be struggling for the future till the day i die.
This doesnt mean that im not studying, not working or else. Im just studyin what i want and work where i want...
Anyway, im just sad now, and i could write alot here, BUT.

The question is - Why so often we cant just be friends with our parents?...
frown


Delete Topic

Amber Flames


Amber Flames

member
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). A...

Total posts: 58
Posted:I'm a biologist and the blood relation thing goes like this:
Your mum is designed to look after you forever, whatever the circumstances. A woman's hormones and biological make-up changes when she has a baby and this makes her attached to her child forever. The reason women go through the menopause is so that they cannot breed any more and so all their energies are put into looking after the family, by this stage the grandchildren usually (we are the only species apart from one type of whale to have the menopause) This is why mum's fuss so much, they are biologically designed to. There are of course exceptions, if the mothers homonal biology isn't quite right then she will be less inclined to look after the child (and it goes the other way; the mother can be obsessive over the child).

Men are different. Their attachment to children is more short-lived. They are designed to stay with the mother and children and provide for them (originally by hunting) until the children leave home. They are then designed to move on and breed with a different woman. Our culture has overcome this urge for the men to leave quite successfully in most cases. (This is why men find it harder to stop themselves from cheating than women do).

It may be harsh fact but its true!

I could go on for hours on this subject!

Axx


Usually me on fire (rather than flames being amber coloured)

Delete

OrangeBobo
SILVER Member since Nov 2003

OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada

Total posts: 1389
Posted:Written by: Amber Flames

I'm a biologist and the blood relation thing goes like this:
Your mum is designed to look after you forever, whatever the circumstances. A woman's hormones and biological make-up changes when she has a baby and this makes her attached to her child forever...

Men are different. Their attachment to children is more short-lived.



Well, I can say that definately isn't true in my family.

(For some background, I've been 6.5 months on an exchange in Europe, I'm 16 yrs old, and go back in July) According to what you've said, my mum should've had more problems. Not so. My dad had the hardest time - and still does - with letting me come here. Before I left even, my fatehr and I have had disagreements. I know that I love my parents both tons, but now that they're divorcing, I've had to choose who I want to live with. I've chosen my mom.

This is because of my father's (somewhat) inability to let go a bit, let me live, and become who I want to be. He is less acceptable to change. Whereas my mother doesn't hold on so tight for control, knows I need to do my own thing, and that she trusts me,. My father says he trusts me, but not where I'm going/ the people I'm with.

there've been other things in our relationship that tell me that he is trying to hold onto his little girl. Instead, I'm growing up, and becoming more and more indipendant. Now, more than ever, he is acting like a teenager, when I am the teen! But... things are really hard right now in my family, and he is really sad alot... But there's really not much that I can do at the moment.

A lot of these problems, with the parents wanting their children to do something else happened to my older brother. He went into Uni, a strong Geography student, and changed to Philosophy and Religions. My parents didn't like it. They know, I know, HE knows that he won't be able to do much with a BA in Philo. and Rel. There was a struggle, but somehow they figured it out. My bro is still doing phiol and rel.... ubblol He's got no clue as to what he'll do, really!

~ Bobo


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

Delete

Amber Flames


Amber Flames

member
Location: Ardfern (Kind of near Oban). A...

Total posts: 58
Posted:The biology stuff I was talking about is what happens on the most basic level, of course there is a huge amount of other stuff that affects us throughout our lives but what you have told me does seem to fit with what I was saying.

I didn't mean that because mum's are incredibly attached they won't let us do anything (my mum is much happier for me to go off travelling than my dad is), they just want the best for us.

Fathers can find it hard to let their daughters go because they like to look after the women, they are protective over us, its in their nature.

Axx


Usually me on fire (rather than flames being amber coloured)

Delete

Spanner
BRONZE Member since Feb 2003

Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere..., ...

Total posts: 2790
Posted:_So_, I think I understand. I'm sure I've got all this to look forward to when my son grows up ubblol

Parents guide their children, their children rebel. That's the way it is, because it's what comes naturally to both sides. Unfortunately, the big problems tend to start when the guidance becomes insistence.

Quite why you're a headache to your mum, I have no idea: you're healthy, you're studying and you're working, which is much more than a lot of people can say of their own children. So becoming an artist is hardly going to drag you down and whatever your mum says, it's not really going to hurt her, although parents do like to play that card when all else fails biggrin

She should be proud of you and most likely is, but she's letting something get in the way of that - a battle which she's not going to win, because it's the battle against independence, although she probably doesn't recognise it as that yet. You're not being unreasonable so in this case, it's more important for you to live your own life than it is to your mum for you to live how she wants you to.

If anything, the main reason you should follow your dream, whatever that dream may be, is because it's your dream.

hug


"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

Delete

Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:russkie roditeli otchen otlitchautsa ot drugich stran.

i have the same problems........


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

Delete

_So_
BRONZE Member since Feb 2004

Skinny poi maker
Location: Moscow, Russia

Total posts: 313
Posted:Thanq Spanner =) It seems that you understand exactly what i mean inspite of the lack of words in my English, that doesnt let me express the thought. hughughug

And thank all of you, who posted here expressing their feelings hug

P.S. Than doesnt mean the thread is closed lol wink


Delete

_So_
BRONZE Member since Feb 2004

Skinny poi maker
Location: Moscow, Russia

Total posts: 313
Posted:and yeah, Konsti, indeed, they are a bit different. Eto souz, chtoli, perestroyka i prochee, chto delaet ih takimi? confused

Delete

Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:confused
smile


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

Delete

Pigeon_Wigeon
BRONZE Member since Dec 2004

Pigeon_Wigeon

Say what?
Location: Surrey/Portsmouth, United King...

Total posts: 4760
Posted:I get on really well with my parents... Especially my dad whereas my sister is more like my mum. Sam can vouch that my parents arent the most normal parents in the world but aslong as I keep them up to date with what I'm doing they are fine. If i respect them they respect me. They trust me and I've worked hard to build up that trust and well my parents are pretty laid back but I know they care for me they just know that I can look after myself. Sometimes I say things and they both start clapping and I'm like.. huh? And they say "Its comments like that show my work is done"

Delete

Pele
BRONZE Member since Dec 2000

Pele

the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:Written by: Spanner

Quite why you're a headache to your mum, I have no idea: you're healthy, you're studying and you're working, which is much more than a lot of people can say of their own children. So becoming an artist is hardly going to drag you down and whatever your mum says, it's not really going to hurt her, although parents do like to play that card when all else fails biggrin





First of all, all kids *think* they are headaches to their parents. They are not (usually). Their actions, their decisions, etc. might be but a good parent knows the difference between a choice and the fundamental person thier child is. At least, I hope they do. My son gives me a headache when he makes bad choices and talks in circles trying to justify it but *HE* never gives me a headache. Even when in the throws of a fight, when I don't like him so much, I still love him to pieces with all of my heart. I think that is a pretty normal thing. However, we, as children, tend to take things personally and put the blame on "Our parents don't like us.", which is usually not the case at all.

Next, it is not "a card" that parents play and I really resent that remark. When my son is hurt, when he fails at something, when he is upset, when he gets into trouble and I have to punish him... it does affect me, and it does hurt me, sometimes to the point where I cry right along with him. And in retrospect, I also know it hurt my mom the same way with me. Watching your child make questionable choices is an *extremely* painful thing to do as a parent, because we love our children and want them to be successful at everything they put thier hearts into it, but we also know realistically that some endeavors will be easier and less painful for the child than others, which is why parents tend to encourage children towards "safe" career paths. And when the child is 30 and is still struggling to make ends meat, it is a painful thing to watch, especially when you want your child to not only be happy but to have more than what you did.
Oh yes, it really does hurt me as well. I would never be presumptuous and say it hurts me more than my son, but it hurts me just as much, in a different way.


Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

Delete

Spanner
BRONZE Member since Feb 2003

Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere..., ...

Total posts: 2790
Posted:Written by: Pele


First of all, all kids *think* they are headaches to their parents. They are not (usually). Their actions, their decisions, etc. might be but a good parent knows the difference between a choice and the fundamental person thier child is. At least, I hope they do. My son gives me a headache when he makes bad choices and talks in circles trying to justify it but *HE* never gives me a headache. Even when in the throws of a fight, when I don't like him so much, I still love him to pieces with all of my heart. I think that is a pretty normal thing. However, we, as children, tend to take things personally and put the blame on "Our parents don't like us.", which is usually not the case at all.





This I know smile I don't think _So_ is a headache to her mum, on the contrary, which is why I said that I think she's more likely very proud of her: they're just not getting on very well at the moment. I think that's important to reiterate because, like you said, it's all too easy for children to think their parents don't like them.



Written by: Pele
Next, it is not "a card" that parents play and I really resent that remark. When my son is hurt, when he fails at something, when he is upset, when he gets into trouble and I have to punish him... it does affect me, and it does hurt me, sometimes to the point where I cry right along with him. And in retrospect, I also know it hurt my mom the same way with me. Watching your child make questionable choices is an *extremely* painful thing to do as a parent, because we love our children and want them to be successful at everything they put thier hearts into it, but we also know realistically that some endeavors will be easier and less painful for the child than others, which is why parents tend to encourage children towards "safe" career paths. And when the child is 30 and is still struggling to make ends meat, it is a painful thing to watch, especially when you want your child to not only be happy but to have more than what you did.

Oh yes, it really does hurt me as well. I would never be presumptuous and say it hurts me more than my son, but it hurts me just as much, in a different way.





Do you really resent it, Pele? confused It was meant in jest more than anything else, so I'm sorry if you do. I'm not saying that parents in general will go out of their way to appear hurt when it suits them - there's enough of a share of the genuine pain to go around any family. Let me take this opportunity to explain myself a little better.



My son is now 4 years old. He's always been very affectionate towards me and still is, but I feel a little sad that he doesn't approach me for hugs and kisses as much as he did. I know this is a part of my "baby" growing up but sometimes I can't help giving him the puppy dog eyes, bottom lip sticking out, maybe a bit of whimpering biggrin



And this is what I mean. If he's still not up for a hug, I know better than to push the issue and it's certainly not a routine I'd employ if my son came home from school one day and announced that he wanted to become an accountant rather than a trapeze artist ubblol But he usually sees the funny side and it's my way of reminding him that I'll still appreciate his affection, however old he grows.



(Incidentally, Pele, I was interested to read that your mum was born in 1941, as mine also was. I wonder what perspective they would offer in such a situation, compared to ours - does it differ much over time? smile )


"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

Delete

_So_
BRONZE Member since Feb 2004

Skinny poi maker
Location: Moscow, Russia

Total posts: 313
Posted:Dear Pele and Spanner,

The thing is, I've been living apart from my mum for 3 years already, and I live with my boyfriend, and we earn money for our life etc.
So I cant actually classify myself as a kid, actually. And all the things about parents being conserned and worried about their dhildrens' future are absolutely normal. I have no doubt, that when I have my own kids, Ill be always worried about them- first about raising them healthy and aducated, then about teenager stuff, then about their future, universities and all that. What i am talking about now, is the wish of my very stong, wize, and definitely, awesome mum (who's my best friend by the way) to live absolutely the opposite way from the way i am trying to choose for myself. From her point of view, im supposed to do economics, or smth like that, work at some huge serious office for very small money to have an upportunity of changing the company some day for more money, more status, and all that. As for me, im a different person, im not her, and that doesnt mean that i dont listen to her advices, when she tries to prevent me from repeating her mistakes, or loosing some upportunities. Im different because i am choosing another way of life, eith different goals and different future.
My environment is away from huge businessmen and from ppl, who work from 8 to 8 to just earn money. I am trying to make my life interesting. I am doing PR in electronic music, and i have the office, where i need to appear every day at 11 in the morning and stay there till 8 in the evening, im doing my job, loving it and earning money. Yes, i left my university, but not because i dont want to study, but because im entering another one this summer to get a serious management and producing aducation. I have a boyfriend, and our life goes its way. Maybe its not perfect, but were working on our future together. But my mum wants me to change the way i live - change the job, the choices i made and the future i chose. She wants me to be a better variant of herself. Thats what the problem is.


Delete

vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas, USA

Total posts: 3899
Posted:Heh - I forgot to mention that my father just about completely spazed out when I started studying art at university!



I eventually wound up with my major in physics and minor in studio arts though. he actually opposed me going into physics as well once I decided to switch programs abd go to grad school...



anyway, your mom just wants you to be safe. but it is your life and your choice to what risks you take career-wise. No one ever did anything interesting or out of the ordinary without taking a at least a few risks here and there.


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

Delete

_So_
BRONZE Member since Feb 2004

Skinny poi maker
Location: Moscow, Russia

Total posts: 313
Posted:Yes, Vanize, thats exactly what im talking about. And even if i do everything the way my mum wants, theres no insurance that nothing happens to me. A brick can fall from the roof and make me stupid. *nice example, So*

By the way, any news about your visit to Moscow? biggrin


Delete

_Clare_
BRONZE Member since Oct 2002

_Clare_

Still wiggling
Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland (UK)

Total posts: 5967
Posted:"No one ever did anything interesting or out of the ordinary without taking a at least a few risks here and there."

Yep very true.


Getting to the other side smile

Delete

Spanner
BRONZE Member since Feb 2003

Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere..., ...

Total posts: 2790
Posted:When I talk about you being your mum's child, _So_, I'm not calling you a kid - I just mean that we're always our parents' children, however old we are smile Sorry if it seemed a bit patronising redface

Written by: vanize

anyway, your mom just wants you to be safe. but it is your life and your choice to what risks you take career-wise. No one ever did anything interesting or out of the ordinary without taking a at least a few risks here and there.



Thats' exactly what I mean smile I also think that when you reap the reward of your hard work, your mum will see that it's even more of an achievement than the path she would have preferred for you, because you've chosen what isn't necessarily the "easiest" way.

And this is also why I think those who are in control of their own choices can look back on even the bad times those choices entail and remember that it's all contributed towards the kind of person they become.

Life doesn't always work out the way you plan it to (or how others plan it to wink ) - sometimes it can work out better smile


"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

Delete

The Tea Fairy
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

The Tea Fairy

old hand
Location: Behind you...

Total posts: 853
Posted:Hello Mad Doctor,

'But most have the sense to not pester their ADULT kids about it EVERY DANG DAY. My mom doesn't. She wants details on every detail of my life. Have I done my taxes? Have I made my bed? Am I living in squalor?'

My friend had exactly this problem, his mum rang him at least once a day when he left home for college to check he was ok. In the end, he decided to start ringing her every five minutes to tell her what he was doing...
'Hi mum, i've just got on the 140 bus, there's an old man on it who smells of wee. I'm reading the paper now, it's got this on the cover, blah blah blah e.t.c.'
It worked! She just got fed up of him calling her ALL THE TIME and asked him to stop after a few days! Then he told her not to phone him all the time cos it bugged him, and point was taken.

Back to general topic, my mum and I never got on well until recently, we have very different opinions and world views on just about everything and we're both very stubborn. Thing is, I've been fiercely independent from a young age, and my mother always saw this as me rejecting her (I didn't realise this at the time, of course, I just wanted to get on with things by myself). I always felt that what she wanted from me was completely different from what I wanted myself. I challenged her opinions on this all the time, but it just led to huge arguments. I ended up defiant, I treated their home like it was a hotel and my parents as though they were an inconvenience. (I was a Kevin! Oh no!)
Since moving out my attitude's changed, my parent's have changed theirs too. I realised I could just shut them out and not answer their calls if they made me unhappy, also my mum realised that's what happens when she just rings me to argue and shout at me about spending too much money/careers/drugs e.t.c. So she started calling me just to ask how I was, we started talking about our (few) common interests instead of things we disagree with. She started to listen to me! Now we get on much better. She recently told me she doesn't care what class degree I get or what job I want when I finish studying. She's generally pleased with me so long as i'm happy and I look after myself.
All parents worry, some go a step further and are damn scared of what the outcome will be for their kids. Bottom line is, all relationships change and evolve with time. I know when you have a negative relationship with a parent it can be soul destroying, it feels like you'll just keep hurting them and they'll keep hurting you forever, just because you want to be yourself. I used shock tactics, but this was slow and painful and I burnt lots of bridges with my mum that I'm still trying to rebuild now. When stressed about these things, just remember that your parents are still growing as people too. Openness, patience and understanding are key.
Wow! longest post I've ever done. I obviously still love ranting on about my folks!


Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan

Delete

The Tea Fairy
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

The Tea Fairy

old hand
Location: Behind you...

Total posts: 853
Posted:P.S. Ooops! Never got to reading the second page before posting this, so sorry if i've gone over old territory or caused offence I thought i'd read all there was. redface

Idolized by Aurinoko

Take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind....

Bob Dylan

Delete

Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13921
Posted:Written by: The Tea Fairy

Hello Mad Doctor,
My friend had exactly this problem, his mum rang him at least once a day when he left home for college to check he was ok. In the end, he decided to start ringing her every five minutes to tell her what he was doing...
'Hi mum, i've just got on the 140 bus, there's an old man on it who smells of wee. I'm reading the paper now, it's got this on the cover, blah blah blah e.t.c.'



devil Hmmm... Thank you.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

Delete

_So_
BRONZE Member since Feb 2004

Skinny poi maker
Location: Moscow, Russia

Total posts: 313
Posted:Written by: Spanner

When I talk about you being your mum's child, _So_, I'm not calling you a kid - I just mean that we're always our parents' children, however old we are smile Sorry if it seemed a bit patronising redface






Not at all, you dont seem patronising at all, actually, you're being very sweet instead =)

hug hug hug


Delete

Page: 12

Similar Topics

Using the keywords [ok parent* howcome] we found the following similar topics.
1. Forums > G.S.A. (Gay Striaght Alliance) Parents choice? [16 replies]
2. Forums > parental guidelines at festivals [40 replies]
3. Forums > Crazy Parents... [28 replies]
4. Forums > New Poll - Is your parents love for you unconditional? [27 replies]
5. Forums > turned out like they wanted?! (you're parents wanted?) [6 replies]

     Show more..