Forums > Social Discussion > Am I being unreasonable?
Login/Join to Participateerm....can you smell parafin or is it me?
146 posts
146 posts
Posted:
My name is Riki and I have recently split up from my girlfriend carol, the mother of my children, we were trying to be freinds for the kids and our sakes .
while we were going out i used to stay in and look after the kids as we have found it hard to get babysitters so she could go clubbing, I go to work and she goes stir crazy with the kids,
but now she is statrted sleeping with some one else, its very soon for me and hurts lots, but here is the thing she wants me to look after the kids at her house so she can go out and shag him.
my heart is breaking
she won't tell me who it is she is shagging and she has made me out to be an ogre to our friends.
I had a very bad childhood and have been diagnosed with BPD,( see www.bpdworld.org it might be of use to you) I told her this in confidence and that I have been feeling down and that the urge to self harm is back, I told her because I am alone in this area of london and had no one else to talk too, she made fun of me and said i am just trying to be manipulative
now she is threatening to stop me seeing the kids if I don't do as she wants this is some thing she always promised she wouldn't do
I am looking inside myself and am determined to make my life better but am i being unreasonable by not wanting to babysit whiles she sleeps with someone else or goes clubbing?
My name is Riki and I have recently split up from my girlfriend carol, the mother of my children, we were trying to be freinds for the kids and our sakes .
while we were going out i used to stay in and look after the kids as we have found it hard to get babysitters so she could go clubbing, I go to work and she goes stir crazy with the kids,
but now she is statrted sleeping with some one else, its very soon for me and hurts lots, but here is the thing she wants me to look after the kids at her house so she can go out and shag him.
my heart is breaking
she won't tell me who it is she is shagging and she has made me out to be an ogre to our friends.
I had a very bad childhood and have been diagnosed with BPD,( see www.bpdworld.org it might be of use to you) I told her this in confidence and that I have been feeling down and that the urge to self harm is back, I told her because I am alone in this area of london and had no one else to talk too, she made fun of me and said i am just trying to be manipulative
now she is threatening to stop me seeing the kids if I don't do as she wants this is some thing she always promised she wouldn't do
I am looking inside myself and am determined to make my life better but am i being unreasonable by not wanting to babysit whiles she sleeps with someone else or goes clubbing?
member
39 posts
Location: Victoria
39 posts
Location: Victoria
Posted:
No way man! If someones going out behind ur back, while u have to stay home, that is really not kewl! i'd say something helpful here, but i'm not very good at giving help over the internet. I'll just say i've seen something similar happen before, and it turned out alright in the end!
rock on, peace out - Ren
No way man! If someones going out behind ur back, while u have to stay home, that is really not kewl! i'd say something helpful here, but i'm not very good at giving help over the internet. I'll just say i've seen something similar happen before, and it turned out alright in the end!
rock on, peace out - Ren
"When a man lies he murders some part of the world
These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives
All this i cannot bear to witness any longer
Cannot the kingdom of salvation take me home"
- Cliff Burton: "To Live Is To Die" -
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Posted:
Can you take the kids for set days in your own space overnight so you dont have to know what she is doing and she doesnt have to justify her actions. She may have a need to reestablish herself as a person and sex might just be a release and reaffirmation of herself.
It is easier to look after kids in their own enviroment though. Its sounds all so raw for you both and kids can make it all tricky. Being friends is really hard, even for the kids.
Can you take the kids for set days in your own space overnight so you dont have to know what she is doing and she doesnt have to justify her actions. She may have a need to reestablish herself as a person and sex might just be a release and reaffirmation of herself.
It is easier to look after kids in their own enviroment though. Its sounds all so raw for you both and kids can make it all tricky. Being friends is really hard, even for the kids.
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu
erm....can you smell parafin or is it me?
146 posts
146 posts
Posted:
I can't realy have the kids overnight at my place as its too small
I can't realy have the kids overnight at my place as its too small
BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Carpal \'Tunnel
5,814 posts
Location: Perth, Australia
Posted:
Can you make it an adventure for them, in the park till dark then stack them in like sardines??
Can you make it an adventure for them, in the park till dark then stack them in like sardines??
Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?
Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu
erm....can you smell parafin or is it me?
146 posts
146 posts
Posted:
nah they are too young for that and have a routine, ive told her that i am happy to have them during the day but that seeing as i still love her it hurt to much to stay over while she is out.
nah they are too young for that and have a routine, ive told her that i am happy to have them during the day but that seeing as i still love her it hurt to much to stay over while she is out.
veteran
1,359 posts
Location: London/ Surrey
1,359 posts
Location: London/ Surrey
Posted:
Breakups are hard, especially with kids involved, and ok, she may be reestablishing herself as a person... it is hard to move on while trying not to upset the other person as much as it is possible, but I think asking you to go and stay at her house when she's not there, knowing why, when she knows how you feel is a little insensitive. You said she goes clubbing too? If it is only the new man that puts you off doing as she asks... why not offer to stay there with the kids every other friday/ whatever day? Don't ask where she's going or where she will be staying. That way she could easily be going out and staying with a friend.
If you really, really can't bear to do this, does she have a friend she can ask to babysit there instead? Thinking longer term, I'd approach her about the kids; using them as a threat when she wants something is not fair to you or them. If your circumstances allow, I'd want to get somewhere to live with at least one spare room, so you could have them stay with you, especially if you are worried joint custody may become an issue.
Breakups are hard, especially with kids involved, and ok, she may be reestablishing herself as a person... it is hard to move on while trying not to upset the other person as much as it is possible, but I think asking you to go and stay at her house when she's not there, knowing why, when she knows how you feel is a little insensitive. You said she goes clubbing too? If it is only the new man that puts you off doing as she asks... why not offer to stay there with the kids every other friday/ whatever day? Don't ask where she's going or where she will be staying. That way she could easily be going out and staying with a friend.
If you really, really can't bear to do this, does she have a friend she can ask to babysit there instead? Thinking longer term, I'd approach her about the kids; using them as a threat when she wants something is not fair to you or them. If your circumstances allow, I'd want to get somewhere to live with at least one spare room, so you could have them stay with you, especially if you are worried joint custody may become an issue.
The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.
Always make time to play in the snow.
GOLD Member
addict
674 posts
Location: Ohio, USA
addict
674 posts
Location: Ohio, USA
Posted:
While Im sure the kids make things much different, I know how you feel slightly. I fell in love with someone who let me down, and then started sleeping with someone who we both knew quite well. It felt like my heart was just gone. I've been numb ever since. I even hated her for a long time because... well because it hurt. When that hate disappeared becasue I finally was able to understand, all that I felt for her was the love that never died... and it hurts more.
The thing is that she moved on almost instantly, and I am still wallowing in pain. Her actions seem to point to the fact that she never felt the same way I did for her. We loved differently. But she did what she had to to be happy... and because I love her still, I want her to BE happy even if it isn't with me. The thing is I took the low road where you took the high. I havn't talked to her since the breakup. It was ugly and painful and I know she doesn't understand why I resorted to cutting her out of my life, that I need to move on myself before I can come to grips with the fact that she moved on a long time ago.
Your lady may be moving on with her life in the same way. That is what she needs to be happy again. While you may think it insensitive for her to ask you to babysit in that house while she goes out and continues her life, you must remember that because you chose to remain friends you need to be a friend and not an ex. It sounds like she expects that from you and because its too painful for you to "just be friends" (I know) she sees it as you trying to manipulate her. I can't say too much because Im not fully privy to your situation, but if you really want to continue a relationship with your kids, she's always going to be there too, moving on with her life. That is a fact of life that you are going to have to come to grips with eventually. If she is really using the kids in a malicious manner as you suggest, then I dont think your being unreasonable to say you dont want to babysit for her. However, I get the impression that she needs to move on, and you dont want to let her too. If that's true, then I sort of understand her wanting to cut you from her own life, but she has no right to cut you off from the kids. As I said, they make your situation very precarious.
In a way I envy you and your strength. Your in a position to see exactly how she is moving on, and so any questions in your mind about "what if" are laid plain at your feet. Part of the reason it has taken me so long to recover is because my mind still plays those tricks on me, and hope is slow to die.
Im sorry my friend.
While Im sure the kids make things much different, I know how you feel slightly. I fell in love with someone who let me down, and then started sleeping with someone who we both knew quite well. It felt like my heart was just gone. I've been numb ever since. I even hated her for a long time because... well because it hurt. When that hate disappeared becasue I finally was able to understand, all that I felt for her was the love that never died... and it hurts more.
The thing is that she moved on almost instantly, and I am still wallowing in pain. Her actions seem to point to the fact that she never felt the same way I did for her. We loved differently. But she did what she had to to be happy... and because I love her still, I want her to BE happy even if it isn't with me. The thing is I took the low road where you took the high. I havn't talked to her since the breakup. It was ugly and painful and I know she doesn't understand why I resorted to cutting her out of my life, that I need to move on myself before I can come to grips with the fact that she moved on a long time ago.
Your lady may be moving on with her life in the same way. That is what she needs to be happy again. While you may think it insensitive for her to ask you to babysit in that house while she goes out and continues her life, you must remember that because you chose to remain friends you need to be a friend and not an ex. It sounds like she expects that from you and because its too painful for you to "just be friends" (I know) she sees it as you trying to manipulate her. I can't say too much because Im not fully privy to your situation, but if you really want to continue a relationship with your kids, she's always going to be there too, moving on with her life. That is a fact of life that you are going to have to come to grips with eventually. If she is really using the kids in a malicious manner as you suggest, then I dont think your being unreasonable to say you dont want to babysit for her. However, I get the impression that she needs to move on, and you dont want to let her too. If that's true, then I sort of understand her wanting to cut you from her own life, but she has no right to cut you off from the kids. As I said, they make your situation very precarious.
In a way I envy you and your strength. Your in a position to see exactly how she is moving on, and so any questions in your mind about "what if" are laid plain at your feet. Part of the reason it has taken me so long to recover is because my mind still plays those tricks on me, and hope is slow to die.
Im sorry my friend.
SILVER Member
Member
15 posts
Location: United Kingdom
Member
15 posts
Location: United Kingdom
Posted:
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You shouldn't have to know what she is doing when you are looking after the kids. But I do think that you should maybe arrange set times and days when you do have the kids, at least that way, she can plan her social life around those times, that way you don't need to know what she is doing all the time. Also that will give the kids a good routine to stick to. Very good for them in this kind of situation, especially if they are still quite young.
How old are they btw?
It will hurt you for ages,I'm soryy, but it's true. But you seem to be a strong one Rikki. You will pull through. Always be as positive as you possibly can.
Much love
Bubbles
xx
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You shouldn't have to know what she is doing when you are looking after the kids. But I do think that you should maybe arrange set times and days when you do have the kids, at least that way, she can plan her social life around those times, that way you don't need to know what she is doing all the time. Also that will give the kids a good routine to stick to. Very good for them in this kind of situation, especially if they are still quite young.
How old are they btw?
It will hurt you for ages,I'm soryy, but it's true. But you seem to be a strong one Rikki. You will pull through. Always be as positive as you possibly can.
Much love
Bubbles
xx
erm....can you smell parafin or is it me?
146 posts
146 posts
Posted:
Thank you all for the support
Well Today I bunked of work and had some much needed me time. then I went round to see Carol and the kids
we have made a truce and while I am not agreing to babysit for now I have been thinking it over and I proboblly will later as it is only fare that she shold have a ilife too.
after discussion it apears she meant no malice in what she said about the BPD and how I am feeling.
we have agreed that will must be freinds for our sakes as well as the kids
btw our kids are Jared who is three and a bit and Indigo who is 19 months. both are very aware that all is not right but we are doing our best to reasure them.
Thank you all for the support
Well Today I bunked of work and had some much needed me time. then I went round to see Carol and the kids
we have made a truce and while I am not agreing to babysit for now I have been thinking it over and I proboblly will later as it is only fare that she shold have a ilife too.
after discussion it apears she meant no malice in what she said about the BPD and how I am feeling.
we have agreed that will must be freinds for our sakes as well as the kids
btw our kids are Jared who is three and a bit and Indigo who is 19 months. both are very aware that all is not right but we are doing our best to reasure them.
SILVER Member
Running hippy spinning lemming
15 posts
Location: Scotland
Running hippy spinning lemming
15 posts
Location: Scotland
Posted:
xxx
xxx
Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering...
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