Forums > Social Discussion > Are men actually interested in love?

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Gnarly Cranium
Gnarly Cranium

member
Location: San Francisco
Member Since: 16th Feb 2005
Total posts: 186
Posted:Since we're hitting all sorts of questions about the meaning of life, the universe, and politics... may as well go for one of the other sticky social issues. (now please don't kill me for the question, I'm just curious about social issues, don't take it too seriously!)

Do men actually ever really get into the warm fuzzies? Or is it all really just a big charade they've sortof been conned into because women FREAK at them if they don't at least pretend to play along?

There's so much that guys just do not seem to GET. Even when a girl explains in excruciating detail to them just how her feelings (god, in our culture just the word 'feelings' is practically a joke in of itself) are working on some issue or another-- ie, wanting him to remember an anniversary, being hurt when a long-distance lover won't hurry to her side, needing reassurance, romance, yadda yadda-- it just does not seem to sink in. Nothing gets DONE about any of it unless the man gets programmed ala Pavlov on pain of PMS Tantrums of Doom. As I've heard it said many times, "when a guy sees another guy carrying flowers somewhere, he immediately thinks, 'oops, he musta screwed up!"

Stories told from a male perspective tend to be full of humor regarding how crazy women are and how put-upon men feel whenever they're stuck in a situation where they have to deal with anything emotional. When they're dramatic or with action, the guy is careening all over the place screwing everything female in sight and flexing big muscles, ala Conan or 007.

Stories from a female perspective are full of men that don't act anything at all like any actual man alive that I've ever heard of-- wooing, outspokenly romantic, tender. Romance novel stuff.

The attitude each gender seems to have about sex is wildly different. As one buddy told me once, "women need all sorts of... emotional things. Men... well, we just need some friction. Could be the floor, the wall, doesn't matter." You never see anything on tv or in stories where a guy is worrying about his first time being 'special'.

In fact, men seem allergic to doing anything that women actually find attractive-- learning to dance, being thoughtful, being gentle and caring, it's all considered 'gay' like that's the most deplorable and silly thing on earth, a huge hassle or a joke... regardless of the well-known fact that women actually tend to admire and pine over the actual gay men who are happy to do such things. What is WITH that?

Now, these are all wild generalizations, of course... but I'm wondering, and a little alarmed by the widespread stereotypes. Maybe the types of men found here, doing poi, have got to be a little different than the average male populace, since many of you actually bother to learn how to DANCE and do something artistic/spiritual. 95% of the men out there can't dance. They just can't. They jump up and down a little and that's it. That little difference means something big.

So how about it fellas? Candles, roses, the way moonlight shines in her eyes, trust and adoration and being with someone who understands you and values your inner soul? .....Any actual appeal there? Or would you just rather just get it on without the vulnerability and hassle?

And if the latter... why? Is it just cause society raised you to be emotionally stunted so that you twitch in instinctive fear and horror when you hear those words? Or is it just plain not even interesting?


"Ours is not to question The Head; it is enough to revel in the ubiquitous inanity of The Head, the unwanted proximity of The Head, the unrelenting HellPresence of The Head, indeed the very UNYIELDING IRRELEVANCE of The Head!" --Revelation X

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Konsti
Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria
Member Since: 16th Oct 2003
Total posts: 785
Posted:cranium- to clear up my point.

i guess i failed to mention that i was not talking about men as a entirety, but about widely accepted behaviour and what some guys perceive as a normal form of dealing with women.
if guys are left in the belief that treating women badly is normal, something they can boast about among their friends and be considered studs, then they will keep doing it.

the experiences that you have shape your behaviour in relationships IMHO. And guys experiences are provided by women (and the other way around).
does this make more sense?


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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Gnarly Cranium
Gnarly Cranium

member
Location: San Francisco
Member Since: 16th Feb 2005
Total posts: 186
Posted:Written by: Konsti

if guys are left in the belief that treating women badly is normal, something they can boast about among their friends and be considered studs, then they will keep doing it.



Ahh gotcha now... and it's quite true.


"Ours is not to question The Head; it is enough to revel in the ubiquitous inanity of The Head, the unwanted proximity of The Head, the unrelenting HellPresence of The Head, indeed the very UNYIELDING IRRELEVANCE of The Head!" --Revelation X

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brodieman
brodieman

old hand
Location: london
Member Since: 11th Jul 2003
Total posts: 1024
Posted:oh great, another men are unsensitive thread frown

To point out the obious,
50 years ago men were not supposed to show emotion this was not regarded as socially unacceptable, just because they dont show it does not mean those emotions were not there.
These men were our fathers and our grand fathers, so a degree of emotional eneptness still remains passed down from mothers and fathers. As a chldrens nurse i would say not a day goes by when a child gets a injection if it crys....
Boy: Sussshhh be a big boy/ boys dont cry
girl: dont worry/confort etc

But as society changes and evolves men are now pressureised to be more emotional, this is now the new social fasion in regards to men, the emotional men, unfortunatly such a massive socelogical change takes time.


As a man im expected to be tall dark blonde haired blue eyed, Strong (but not agressive) supportave, emotionaly open (but not wet)

Is it any wonder that sucide amongst 17-25 im men is higher than any other sample.

So the question is can women see the emotional pressure that saying hurtful comments like are men capable of love etc cause?

but to answer your question the answer yes men are, only some men find it had to show it.


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spritie
spritie

Pooh-Bah
Location: Galveston, TX
Member Since: 9th Sep 2001
Total posts: 2014
Posted:First, I want to say that I think men are very interested in love. But, I do think some of that has to do with age and how they come across. I've dated plenty of guys (both when I was a teenager also now that I'm at the lower end of my 30's) that are worthy of any woman. They have respected me, pampered me, put me on pedestals (which I personally hate), and genuinely appreciated me for who I am. I have yet to find one that has treated me like absolute dirt, has cancelled dates on me for no reason, or has done something for me not to respect him as a person. I guess I should consider myself lucky there from the comments of other people here.

What I want to say is that guys can behave in a very kind fashion. They are just as confused about the whole relationship mess as any girl is. Besides, each person is different. How are they supposed to know your exact quirks right from the start? That's what courtship is all about...flirting and learning. I think any guy (at least those above say 25) is very interested in settling down and finding one person that they can just be themselves with and cuddle on the couch on a regular basis with. This I believe is true of both sexes. It is hardwired into us to want a mate, someone that we can just be ourselves with, someone that appreciates us and accepts us for who we are, and enjoys our company, faults and all. So, just like women are interested in love, I believe men are as well.


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Gnarly Cranium
Gnarly Cranium

member
Location: San Francisco
Member Since: 16th Feb 2005
Total posts: 186
Posted:Written by: brodieman

oh great, another men are unsensitive thread frown

So the question is can women see the emotional pressure that saying hurtful comments like are men capable of love etc cause?


Again, please, do not take the question personally. It was a valid question based on what I've been exposed to lately, and it WAS a question, encouraging people to step forward and hopefully say 'yes'. Notice the thread was not titled 'MEN ARE PIGS, castration for all!!'


"Ours is not to question The Head; it is enough to revel in the ubiquitous inanity of The Head, the unwanted proximity of The Head, the unrelenting HellPresence of The Head, indeed the very UNYIELDING IRRELEVANCE of The Head!" --Revelation X

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Kelhoon
Member
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Member Since: 23rd Jul 2004
Total posts: 6
Posted:Gnarly Cranium:

Don't explain feelings, we won't get it. Feelings have to be felt.

Birgit:

Don't be subtle, we won't get it. Be direct.

Speaking as one of the shy geeks, yes I am interested in Love. Yes, candles, moonlight etc would be nice. Yes, finding my soul mate would be fantastic. No, I don't want to play guessing games. No, I don't get it, please understand that and stop pressuring me to do so. If I'm not what you want, please leave and don't try to change me.

There are two people in a relationship and *BOTH* have to work at making it a successful one. Both have to try to understand the other.

Men and Women are different, accept those differences. "Viva La difference" as the French say.

I have never yet met anyone who completely matches any stereotype.

And ladies, go and talk to that shy nice guy, he might be worth the effort after all. He might even be me 8-)

Well, that's my 2 cents, thanks for reading.

Kelhoon juggle


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Mr_Jedly
Mr_Jedly

member
Location: Perth, West Australia
Member Since: 29th Jan 2004
Total posts: 195
Posted:Written by: onewheeldave

But, if she's serious, why doesn't she just do what she seems to be relying on the guy to do i.e. go over and start a conversation?



Written by: onewheeldave

given the traditional view that men do the asking/chasing,


ubbloco Crazy race we are... ubbloco
Kelhoon: Blunt, but true biggrin
Written by: Kelhoon

There are two people in a relationship and *BOTH* have to work at making it a successful one. Both have to try to understand the other.


What I was saying earlier... If you figure out each other's needs(eg: man's competition, woman's drama), so many problems you have with your partner can just simply dissapear. biggrin
Note I say 'figure out', not understand. understanding the opposite sex takes.... I don't know what it takes cause I don't know anyone who can do it. ubbrollsmile


We don't stop playing because we grow old,
We grow old because we stop playing.

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musashii
musashii

starring Skippy the green llama
Location: Seattle, WA
Member Since: 14th Dec 2002
Total posts: 1148
Posted:I think it's already been said, but true romance isn't something that always develops overnight. In the relationship or in the person. I agree with you too Spritie, I think age does play a big part in it, either mentally or chronologically. I think you have to take into consideration what the person's environment was like when they were growing up. Were they loved, did they learn to love life, and themselves? I've noticed that it really does. Not that it's gone forever, it's just something that needs to grow up, so you try to nurture it in them(over time, not overnight wink ), and wait to see what happens. I don't think everyone is a born romantic either, some have to learn it, nothing really wrong with that, it's just opening a different door of the mind. If I'm with someone I truly love, it just naturally happens, and I get almost as much out of doing things for her as she does. I like seeing someone I love happy biggrin But you can't force it, it's one of those things that just has to flow.


Written by:
No, I don't get it, please understand that and stop pressuring me to do so.


ubblol My new favorite quote

And I must echo an appreciation for women who are upfront, and know what they want(if only at least for the next five minutes). I think it's been proven over and over that men generally have things just as difficult emotionally, so why should it be any more difficult for a woman to make up her mind? But I know the answer to that one too frown Doesn't mean I can't complain about it every once in a while ubbangel

nice thread


First intention, then enlightenment..
Ars Pyronomica

" Life is programmed. Whether death is programmed or not is yet to be determined."

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Birgit
Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh
Member Since: 27th Jan 2005
Total posts: 4145
Posted:Written by: Kelhoon

Birgit:

Don't be subtle, we won't get it. Be direct.




Kelhoon, there were little quote-marks around the "subtle", which means it wasn't really subtle at all. Kind of proves your point though wink ubblol


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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