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nearly_all_gone
SILVER Member since Aug 2004

nearly_all_gone

Pooh-Bah
Location: Southampton

Total posts: 1626
Posted:Are you shy? Have you ever helped someone who is shy? What makes you shy?

My girlfriend is so shy it stops her from getting on with her life. To be fair she's getting better and better, because she's trying scarier and scarier things.. but sometimes the feeling of shynbess will descend upon her and she won't be able to leave the house.

I've been shy in my life as well, and at one stage was so bad that I couldn't speak to my fellow housemates or look them in the eye for weeks. But I don't seem to be able to help her. When I try and work out how I got past that stage, I guess I can't really understand what was so different about how I acted. I just made the effort to go out with them, and to stay in with them too, and things just became a lot easier.

I encourage her to do the things she's afraid of, and to kind of overcome them, or if she doesn't then to talk through what she would do differently to do better next time... but all of her anxieties and fears have their roots inside her inability to communicate in unfamiliar situations, her lack of self-belief (despite anything I can tell her or reassure her over) and her feelings of inadequacy in any situation that she's not been in a hundred times before.

She's an amazing, talented, beautiful person who deserves better than this, and I wish she could see that.

Please give me any advice you have, I'll be most grateful. I'm determined to help her beat this shyness. I'm convinced it's not depression or anything like that, because most of the time she's fine, but now she's at uni her shyness is really crippling her, and making her life pretty miserable.


What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 3999
Posted:awwwwwwwwwwwww fanks guys, apparently i'm gonna be looked after lol

Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Adya Miriyana
GOLD Member since Feb 2005

Adya Miriyana

*slou?
Location: Adelaide

Total posts: 6554
Posted:It's frustrating to be on both sides, from experience. I've been shy all my life, though nothing too extreme, I would just rather blend in with the shadows than have everyone aware of me.

I have a friend who is going through a similar thing, well for about 2 years now. She is so scared of getting out there that she has convinced herself that she is sick, in order to create a reason. Although we only live a few blocks away, I can hardly see her.

The only thing to do is be patient, very patient, and give her constant assurance that you are there for her.

I've realised that no matter how much you want to make everything better for her, you can only be her hand to hold, whilst she is ultimately the one to pull herself out.

Hope I've helped a little, just keep it up hug


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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 3999
Posted:Written by: Adya_Miriyana

It's frustrating to be on both sides, from experience. I've been shy all my life, though nothing too extreme, I would just rather blend in with the shadows than have everyone aware of me.

I have a friend who is going through a similar thing, well for about 2 years now. She is so scared of getting out there that she has convinced herself that she is sick, in order to create a reason. Although we only live a few blocks away, I can hardly see her.

The only thing to do is be patient, very patient, and give her constant assurance that you are there for her.

I've realised that no matter how much you want to make everything better for her, you can only be her hand to hold, whilst she is ultimately the one to pull herself out.

Hope I've helped a little, just keep it up hug



that's the odd thing I don't exactly blend in, never have done never will, on the days when I can go out the house it makes my dad if I get freak shouted at me, and yet at the moment I can not build up the courage to go pick my 4 year old up from school


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Konsti


Konsti

lovable smart-ass
Location: vineyards, Vienna, Austria

Total posts: 785
Posted:oi you!
yes you! the gothy frog one!

judging by pics in ur gallery you:
are cute
have sexy piercings
have a fuzzy hat

armed with that you should grab the world by its balls and squeeze them till you get what you want!

hehehe, i know this doesnt really help but it might make you feel better and thats worth a try

smile


"is optimism in austria just a lack of information?"
-Alfred Dorfer

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GothFrogette
BRONZE Member since Oct 2004

GothFrogette

grumpy poorly froggy
Location: Nuneaton

Total posts: 3999
Posted:hehehe you checked me out?!! hehehe *Giggles*

*Trying to think of something other than grabbing balls*.

Thank you and you made me smile
hug


Life's too short to worry about where you put your marshmallows

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Flame
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

Flame

addict
Location: VIC, MELB

Total posts: 435
Posted:This is something i can totally relate to. I have been shy for most of my life and when i wasnt shy i would be become cycnical because in my warped irrational fear i believe no one could ever like me if they knew who i really was inside. I thnk sometimes it can be put to lack of confidence, fear of failure, not being accepted, being rejected, low self esteem, fear of the unknown.
I myself have no friends , but desperatley want friends but cant face it and get mad at trying to cope with the stress i feel when im trying to make a friend - which does not make it easy to make a friend when your annoyed with yourself. im fine when i know the person but its a catch 22 if i cant meet people how can they become my friend??lol.
I used to hide behind my ex and the illusion of having friends because he had friends and was very talkative so i could feel ok about my lack of social skills. He was great with people, infact he was so good with people if we went out together by the end of the night he would know the bartender and half the pub, he would constantly tell me i had nothing to worry about, but unless you have experienced the fear of people its not as easy as just switching that fear off. 'One step at a time' this is wat i was told when i was originally in therapy for getting off the pot (which was my excuse for being quiet - im too stoned), and i believe its the same with getting comfortable with people.
The other thing i'm still learning is that fear feeds off fear, so you need to be postive. easier said than done. I would suggest if she wants to get past it - talk to someone or just keep putting herself in tough situations eventually im told you learn effective coping mechanisms.
Defiently getting her do some past work and see where she might have learnt that that she couldnt feel comfortable. Good luck and happy bright confident thoughts being beamed to you and your girlfriend. If you find a cure let me know im still looking wink
Flame and Tristan


*In the car while Pink is playing on the radio*
Tristan aged 4 : "Mum is this Pink?"
Flame:"Yes mate this is Pink?"
Tristan:"Are you going to Pink?"
Flame:"Yes i am"
Tristan:"Cool well I'm going to BLUE" smile

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nearly_all_gone
SILVER Member since Aug 2004

nearly_all_gone

Pooh-Bah
Location: Southampton

Total posts: 1626
Posted:Written by: jemima (jem)

I'd love to do an illustration project on this.


Funnily enough she's doing an illustration degree smile

Thanks everyone for your kind words and good advice. It's all helping, and I'm learning lots.

And so sorry loads of you can relate to this pretty horrible experience.

grouphug


What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

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jemima (jem)
SILVER Member since Dec 2002

jemima (jem)

Pooh-Bah
Location: london

Total posts: 1750
Posted:Illustration is cool, although it does sometimes keep you in a save posission, you motvate yourself, and you dont always have to get up in the morning, which may semm good but its a bummer. It gives you an immeasurable amount of self satisfaction, and if work is done for a specific end target even better.

I really get a boost when doing presentations about the last four weeks of work, i can be confident about what i am talking about, and people i and presenting it to are most likely going to be interested in what i have to say. I know i love listening to what other people have been up to.


Hmmm I am thinking maybe I will do this project after uni, or when I dont find any work maybe. Come join me shy people your a foghorn really (a loverly foghorn). biggrin

Sorry am i waffling now

Where is your girlfriend studying?
Can i see her work ?


Never assume
Always Acknowledge

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jemima (jem)
SILVER Member since Dec 2002

jemima (jem)

Pooh-Bah
Location: london

Total posts: 1750
Posted:doink

Never assume
Always Acknowledge

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nearly_all_gone
SILVER Member since Aug 2004

nearly_all_gone

Pooh-Bah
Location: Southampton

Total posts: 1626
Posted:Oops smile

Sorry, she's at Southampton Institute, and if I had any of her work available I'd share it.. unfortunatley it's all in the real world, none of it's floating around on the net as far as I'm aware...


What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

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Malacey10
SILVER Member since Sep 2004

Malacey10

newbie
Location: Dublin, Ireland ( No we dont a...

Total posts: 1
Posted:Hey There
It is really horrible to hear that!! I am a really outgoing person but for a time in my life I had alot of problems which chipped away at my person and I became very very inwards which for all the people that know me was not me at all. I would really recommend a book I found it fantastic "The Tibetan Art Of Positive Thinking". It is onlty beause of going through what I did I now understand shyness which was something that I never had a clue about before...........................I think no matter what is happening in your life the word positive must come into it to keep us going:)

Please get this book it really did me the world of good!


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nearly_all_gone
SILVER Member since Aug 2004

nearly_all_gone

Pooh-Bah
Location: Southampton

Total posts: 1626
Posted:Hmm, I'll certainly look into that book! Thanks a lot! smile

What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

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blu_valley
SILVER Member since Apr 2005

blu_valley

fluffy mess
Location: Brighton

Total posts: 197
Posted:I thought I'd bump this thread as I seem to have been dealing with similar issues myself lately, not just within myself, but within a few of the people around me.

Some people just deal with things differently, and may appear shy, or on the opposit side of the spectrum, confident, when they are not.

I didnt have many friends when I was younger, because I moved around a lot, and led a rather unorthadox life within a very conservative community. Lets just say I have very crippled social skills. I ve had to study body language in order to use it to show others how I was feeling. (Ie Learning to smile to show that I was having a good time) as I had never had the need to show those arround me how I was feeling, or to welcome them. My situation did not call for me learning these skills that it seems society is based on.

So, yes, I would have considered myself shy. I have mostly overcome this though, through drama (as previously stated), through studying behviour patterns, writing, and by following the words of Baz Lurman..."do something each day that scares you".

I have recently been throwing myself into unfamiliar territory, and each time, I have been grateful for doing this to myself, and proud at my own little accomplishments. Because in all fairness, this fear of being judged and deemed unworthy is an illogical fear, but a powerful one. Because no matter what you do or how you act, there will always be those who will side with you and those who will be against you.This is part of the vastness of human nature.

I know however, that in situations I have problems finding an even medium, unless I am completely familiar with those around me. I either come across as shy, or arrogantly confident, when I am neither...um... I think. So its still a work in progress.


"I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.." - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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thelost
SILVER Member since Aug 2005

thelost

mmm...i feel all warm and fuzzy... 'no dude, that's your hair on fire'
Location: Birmingham

Total posts: 355
Posted:Ahh, cool that there's a thread like this one.



Well...where should I begin.



I was brought over here from Hong Kong at about 2 months old to live here in the UK. As I was growing up, it was already pretty blatant that I was different, being the only one out of about 3 chinese people in my home town, which was predominantly white.



The racial issues from about 10 years ago was bad enough, but being me, I don't think God or whatever had enough fun with me yet and stuck a great big birth mark on my neck. This meant that people would constantly stare at my neck, point and ask 'what's that big spot on your neck'...that kinda sucked, so to stop people staring, I walked around looking at the floor all the time, never really looking up until I had to speak to people. I never really mixed in with people because I was unwilling to speak, as it involved lifting my head.



But as i was growing up, at the age of 10 or so, I started getting racial abuse shouted at me from across the street. This, coupled with the birth mark meant that I hardly spoke to anyone. What made it worse (and I know now) was that I didn't tell my family about it, so they didn't actually know this was going on. This build up inside became anger and basically a s*** personality resulted from this. I used to *hate* myself and believe that I was weak because I'd end up crying about it, which made me feel worse because I used to perceive crying as a weakness..forming the vicious circle. All the way through primary school, I literally had about 2 friends who I spoke to often, because they were more understanding.



At secondary school, changes started happening. People didn't judge me as much and half the people don't even mention it anymore, because they've accepted it. We were split off into 'Houses' and that meant I was with about 8 or 9 other guys in my year. That's when I started coming out of my shell. They were more outgoing and I used to hang around with them when they talked with other friends (some of which were more popular in the school). This meant I had a way of increasing my number of friends and I continued to grow in confidence.

When I started going out to town, had a 'few' drinks, I became more like who I want to be, more outgoing and actually friendly.



Now I'm at Uni...still learning to become more and more sociable (I was having second thoughts about going to my first poi meet because I didn't know how people would react to me etc.)



*Thanks for being SO welcoming by the way, it was amazing*



The main thing with me is that I find it very hard to make friends, but the friends I do make are often close, because after I've 'tested the water', I'm able to show my true colours.



=True friends are like diamonds: precious and rare.

False friends are like pebbles: scattered...everywhere=



Oh well, hope I haven't bored anyone stupid biggrin.



That was my sob story.

=Lost=


It's better to burn out than to fade away

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MurfdaSmurf


MurfdaSmurf

member
Location: Eugene, Oregon

Total posts: 59
Posted:I am shy but sometimes people can't tell. One of my ways of coping with shyness is to be extreemly outgoing. It is weird but real. I quit the band I sang for cuz I had to drink 2 40oz beers to just do the practise. You don't even wanna know what it took to do our first and only gig. It had 400 people show up but the place could only hold 200. It was crazy. The last time I spun with fire I had an adience and I found myself screwing up a lot more. In fact I usually do really good when I am spinning fire (cuz I don't want to get burned). But with everyone watching I got my first burn. Oh well I never starteed this to be a performer just to do it for my self.

The worst for me though is being really shy when I like a woman. You all know what I am talking about. If I really like her then I am so shy that there is usually no chance she will ever like me or even notice me. Unless it is when I fall on my face tripping over my own feet.

Well I guess I babled enough


I thought I waz just dreammin'?!!??!!??!! Dis place can't really be real.

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Igirisujin
SILVER Member since Jul 2005

Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston

Total posts: 2666
Posted:Written by: nearly_all_gone


I just made the effort to go out with them, and to stay in with them too, and things just became a lot easier.







Thats the only way to get over shyness, offer to taske her places all the time, she might not want to go very often, but eventualy she will get out more and more and overcome the shyness in the situations. dont just do something once, if she does something that she wont normally do then do then make it a ragular thing (opr at least try too)



Oh and really make an effort and give her plenty of oppertunitys to join in with things, conversation/activitys.



---------------------------------------------------------



...Actualy bothers to read more than the first post...



Has she ever been on any meets with you anywhere? You should check them out if you havnt, the people are soooo friendly as you probably know. I went to my first meet a few days ago (manchester) and I was amazed how comfortable I was around TOTAL strangers lol. Allright I might not have joined in alot of conversation, (im sometimes a quiet person, I was having a quiet day then) but I was still enjoying myself every second. I kinda wished I had made more of an effort now but I shall on other meets for sure.



You should try to get her too meet other shy people on meets and make a deal with each other to talk and hug and spin together even if the both of you are feeling conciouse about doing it. Just get her to bite her lip take a deep breathe and get each others attention, even if she talks about how nervouse and shy she's feeling, she's still talking and socialising with people ubbrollsmile



This goes for you too Goth! hug

EDITED_BY: Brit_Joe (1125521053)


Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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Igirisujin
SILVER Member since Jul 2005

Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston

Total posts: 2666
Posted:Written by: thelost_seraph

Now I'm at Uni...still learning to become more and more sociable (I was having second thoughts about going to my first poi meet because I didn't know how people would react to me etc.)

*Thanks for being SO welcoming by the way, it was amazing*

The main thing with me is that I find it very hard to make friends, but the friends I do make are often close, because after I've 'tested the water', I'm able to show my true colours.
=Lost=



Where you the one at the manchester meet? You offerd me a ciggerette in the pub and I said yes even tho im not really a smoker saymore? lol

Couse you know if it was I never even noticed you had a birthmark on your neck, seriously I doubt anyone else who went noticed it either.


Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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thelost
SILVER Member since Aug 2005

thelost

mmm...i feel all warm and fuzzy... 'no dude, that's your hair on fire'
Location: Birmingham

Total posts: 355
Posted:um...wrong guy dude. I've never been to manchester lol



thanks for being understanding though tongue



(edit) p.s.

Written by: Brit_Joe
Couse you know if it was I never even noticed you had a birthmark on your neck, seriously I doubt anyone else who went noticed it either.





try having little kids not noticing when all they do is stare upwards and point all day...i had that up till i was about 15 or something (cos then i started looking/dressing more adult and kids get afraid of asking about weird-looking adults, cos 'kids are ok to point and sneer at' umm)

EDITED_BY: thelost_seraph (1125522577)


It's better to burn out than to fade away

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Igirisujin
SILVER Member since Jul 2005

Igirisujin

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Preston

Total posts: 2666
Posted:lol I just realised that from the tea thread, you said you didnt smoke. So I raced back here to try delete that post :P

Chief adviser to the Pharaoh, in one very snazzy mutli-coloured coat

'Time goes by so slowly for those who wait...' - Whatever Happend To Baby Madonna?

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Stone
GOLD Member since Jun 2001

Stream Entrant
Location: Melbourne

Total posts: 2830
Posted:Hi Gnor. The Forum, that would be Landmark Education. It works and its relatively cheep for what you get. Ive just finished the advanced course where you work through a number of exercises that tackle shyness, embarrassment and lots of otrher personal stuff with the aim of becoming a better human being. Its tough because you have to face your nasty side, but it really works. I had many issues heehh, but I've have lost my anger with the world in a weekend, true, And I can now relate to people on a personal level without any fear. Shy not any more.



Let me know if you want to register wink





cheers smile

EDITED_BY: Stone (1125526734)


If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Thich Nhat Hanh

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JonnyRok
BRONZE Member since May 2005

JonnyRok

Look! I'm Darth Bunny!
Location: Sunny South Africa

Total posts: 446
Posted:Yeah i used to be pretty shy too, I also always tried to blend in to the background, funny thing is it never seemed to waork, for some strange reason people always seemed to ask me to help them with things and i would somehow end up at the centre of attention even though i hated it. But i changed around last year sometime. I just one day decided that i was tired of trying to act a certain way all my life (I had changed alot sice i was younger but i was too scared to show people what i was like) and i decided that if they didnt like it, no one is forcing them to talk to me. since then i have tons more friends and nobody has criticised me for being who i am.

On the shy girlfriend point, just make sure that you always support her when she opens up. I know a lot of people who are really shy because when they tell people something about themselves, they get abondoned by their friends coz they dont like what they hear.

Or at least thats what i think smile


Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!
Yo ho fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright to be,
Do what you want coz a pirate is free,
You are a pirate!

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LMSP
BRONZE Member since Aug 2005

LMSP

veteran


Total posts: 1588
Posted:I am quite shy but hide it by being as cheekey as possible. It can either work or spin outta control! It's fun to find out which one though!lol

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