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RoziSILVER Member
100 characters max...
2,996 posts
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia


Posted:
This is gonna be a little bit of a weird thread...

We have a lot of people declaring love at the moment & I am really happy for them.

But I wanted to ask something of you terminally singles out there. I split with my partner about three months ago. (A reasonably amicable split, but only with some hard work & uncomfortable moments).

Anyhow, since then I have not met anyone I was interested in (okay, I did meet one but he was engaged ). I am not sure I can even remember what it felt like to be in love with someone. I am not sad, or angry, I just don't seem to be capable of that heedless love thing.

Does that feeling come back? Does it change when you get older & more crusty & cynical? If it goes, do you miss it? Or does something else replace it?

It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...


FlyntSILVER Member
Intrepid Penguin
5,635 posts
Location: Australia


Posted:
Firstly *HUGZ*, you sound like you need them.

I can only speak on my own experience here but i dont know if that will answer your questions.

There is nothing like your first true love. That sensation where nothing matters except them, You rush giddilly into the foray that we call love and nothing, NOTHING can crush you.... until its over...

New loves are wiser, we protect ourselves more. Perhaps that is selfish, i dont know, but i think it comes down to a concious thought. "I CHOOSE to open myself to this person, and whilst being cautious, refuse to withold any part of my loving and so embrace this with enthusiasm..." or something like that.

With every love you may lose a part of yourself, but you also gain a lot as well. Every person you come across in your lifetime, friends, lovers, or otherwise, will have some impact on you. I think its about making the most of EVERYONE you meet, and similar to Pele's thoughts on life thread, enjoying the person, as well as your surrounds.

I think the Crusty/Cynical part, is a choice. ` i dont think anyone has to end up like that. Statistics say that the average person, will fall into true love twice in their lifetime. A somewhat depressing statistic, but i figure, if you can fall in love with a person, and appreciate everything about them, whats to stop you from doing it again?

*muchos Hugzzzz* Rozi, it does get better. And while you are single, take a look around you and reflect on your relationships with your friends, i think you will find you are truly blessed! xoxox

Currently on the right side up of the world.


Thistleold hand
950 posts
Location: Nottingham UK


Posted:
*Hugs Rozi*

I think it goes away because of the need to heal the feelings from the relationship break up. One day you will wake up and realise the emptiness/hurt is gone and time has healed you. Maybe one day you will wake up and be happy to be single and not worry about these things any more, then when this happens you will meet someone and BOOM you will suddenly awaken that part of you again.

In the mean time enjoy all the good things about being single. Such as having all the duvet to your self, freedom, learning what you really want out of life, having control of the Tv remote and all other manner of selfishness etc.....selfishness is not always a bad thing it can be quite theraputic.

The things I miss about not having a partner are: Lack of physical contact (and I am not talking ice cream click here for more info on ice cream) but I go get a massage when I feel the need for human touch or hug my friends/family. Some one to share the little things with, but that's what counsellors/friends are for. And Ice cream and that's why rampant rabbit was invented!

I have found the older I get (I'm nearly 32) the less my happiness depends on having a partner. The more I get to know myself the happier I am in my own company I suppose.

Take care Rozi.

Are we nearly there yet?


SterlingspiderBRONZE Member
Senator by day, Sith Lord by night.
128 posts
Location: Suffolk, New York, USA


Posted:
I have fallen in love three times, I still very much love the first two, but our lives are simply no longer compatible. Every person I have loved, I may not have loved more, but I have cartainly loved /better/, since as I grow I become more aware of what it takes for two people to remain in a loving giving relationship (I find this also includes friendships, because you can certainly love a friend).

The end of any relationship is painful and wounds must heal. But that doesn't mean that the scars are permanent or disfiguring. Remember what went wrong and try not to let that happen again.

Try to think of it this way, you have not lost the ability to have heedless love, you have learned to hold back 'till you find someone really worthy of it, which in the end is far more beneficial for you then a series of abortive puppy loves. In the end it will make your feelings for the next person all that much more special, and you will fall in love all that much more deeply, because you will know you're not selling yourself short or loving to be in love.

"If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we would be too simple to understand it"
-Emerson M Pugh


SickpuPpyNinja Rockstar!
1,100 posts
Location: Denver, Co. U.S.A.


Posted:
Relationship recovery time usually consists of 50% to 100% of the time you were with that person. It just takes time, and I think that time should be taken to remember who you are. It is the most important thing that one can know.

That gooshy lovey feeling does come back, but it won't feel the same. I don't think it is actually even possible to love any two people in the same way. But love comes like a thief. When you're looking for it desperately you almost never find it, only pale effigies and dead ends. Love comes in it's own time and it is better to be happy by yourself and confident in who you are to bide your time untill love walks back into your life, than to chase after love longing for someone to come to you.

And the best way I've found to find someone you're interested in is to be the type of person you want to attract. It works, I swear.

[ 30 August 2002, 11:49: Message edited by: SickpuPpy ]

Jesus helps me trick people.


[Nx?]BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,749 posts
Location: Europe,Scotland,Both


Posted:
hello *hugs to all*

Im not usually one for talking about this kinda thing, but I recently split up myself and I dont have no-one here in the back woods to talk too.. and I think its relevent.

I fell in love once at 16, young stupid love, unrequited I realise, not so stong anyway. Took ages to get over but I forgot about it, was single for about 9 months too.

At 21 I fell in love again, full, real eat-your-life-up love. She unfotunatly was having the first kind, and we were destined never to have time together, everyone dissproved (she was 16) and eventually she moved to canada for school after 1.5 years together.

Stupidly we were so in love we tried to keep it through this time, and spent another two years crying so hard I could do nothing but sleep and smoke, shit-my-life-out love. we saw each other for 4 days in two years, enough to fall again for another year of pain. eventually she returned but would not see me.

this weekend we finally met and ended the foolishness, she has moved on, likes being independant and having a boyfriend who doesnt take up her whole life. Fair enough.

after it was over, properly over, and i had cried the last, I felt so much better. I now have no excuses, no reason to be greeting because she is gone. all that stuff was in my head, and is now redundant. a great cloud lifted, and finnaly i could feel the love of my friends come flooding in from all over the country, I realised how lucky i was to have peaple who loved me there or not, and would miss me without grief. Who would put up with such a grumpy old f*cker.

The point, because all of this has been said and felt, is that during thoes two years I met two women who could have quite happily stolen my heart again, and i didnt because of pain and hope. now I know chances rarly repeat but I know the street holds more sweetness for me, and im looking forward to see the next thing.

Yeah, take heart I guess, I used to hate the fact the sun would rise each day, but now the dawn beckons, and im floating out the window.

Love

N

This is a post by tom, all spelling is deleberate
-><- Kallisti


RoziSILVER Member
100 characters max...
2,996 posts
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia


Posted:
Mmmmmmm, hugs to all of you & thankyou.

You see, the funny things is I have worked through most of the anger of splitting. I still miss things about him, but they don't overwhelm my life, rather it is like looking at an old picture of yourself and smiling wistfully.

I don't really feel empty. I don't feel really sad. I don't feel angry. I feel on the whole happy.

But when I meet people, there is less flirtation. And as I get older, the people I fall for are fewer and further between. It doesn't worry me right now. But I am thinking about what it means to be in love, and whether it is different to loving someone?

Nix?, yep I know how painful the long distance thing can be. That is the deal with me & my ex. We saw each other more frequently. And what causes the wistful bit, is that I know that in other circumstances, we may well have been okay. If I am sad for anything, it is for the relationship that could have been, rather than the one that was. but it is a very accepting sadness, that feels no need to change anything.

It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...


[Nx?]BRONZE Member
Carpal \'Tunnel
3,749 posts
Location: Europe,Scotland,Both


Posted:
yeah, i totally understand, but we could be caught forever in could have beens. oh well, funny innit.

N

This is a post by tom, all spelling is deleberate
-><- Kallisti


CantusSILVER Member
Tantamount to fatuity
15,966 posts
Location: Down the road, United Kingdom


Posted:
I like Mr Puppy's post. It's always good when he reveals his fluffy side.

Meh


arsnHow do you change this thing???
1,903 posts
Location: Behind the couch...


Posted:
Rozi, I'm so sorry I never took a second to think about other singles out there at the time of posting that thread, but do remember this, I've told most of you loverly HoP'ers about lost loves before, and always remember... you'll find somebody who is just for you, and their just around that corner, I promise.

quote:
Originally posted by SickpuPpy
Relationship recovery time usually consists of 50% to 100% of the time you were with that person.
quote:
Originally posted by C@ntus
I like Mr Puppy's post. It's always good when he reveals his fluffy side.
These two post mean the most to me... SickpuPpy has really hit the nail on the head, and C@ntus is also right with informing SickpuPpy to groom himself.

Rozi... you'll find someone... you'll find somebody to laugh with, to hold, to kiss, to be with... and who will love you for you... Rozi... I wish you enough...

I can't hear you... I have a banana in my ear.

"You mean I'll have to use my brain?... but I use staff!!!" ~ ben-ja-men


Raymund Phule (Fireproof)Enter a "Title" here:
2,905 posts
Location: San Diego California


Posted:
Rozi, I am not one to say anything about the affairs of the heart, you know that hehe

but none the less, my friend try to relax. Take life a day at a time. See ya soon

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"


SickpuPpyNinja Rockstar!
1,100 posts
Location: Denver, Co. U.S.A.


Posted:
I wasn't even aware that I had a "fluffy" side......

Jesus helps me trick people.


Cagemember
174 posts
Location: St. Paul, MN USA


Posted:
~Hugz all around~

I hate posting cause I always feel like I'm going to annoy one person or bore another. But since Rozi (thank you) started it, I might as well vent to someone.

I mentioned a while ago that my boyfriend and I broke up while he was in Seattle. I loved him so much and we were talking about getting married. He came back for the week before I had to move. He acted like nothing happened and spent every minute with me. It was just enough time to think things were ok and love still held us together...The day I left, he confirmed that he just wasn't sure that he wanted to spend forever with me and ended it. I've spent the last four days crying. I've moved 600 miles away and it feels like I'm in an entirely different world. I've moved in with my parents for the next 2 semsters and I have no friends left in this area to even talk to. I feel lost. I feel like my life is going backwards. I don't want to spend forever getting over him, but at the same time, I don't want to get over him. This stupid little voice keeps saying, "what if he changes his mind?" I know it's not sensible to be in that mindset but I can't help it.

I don't feel like I could ever love like that again. I don't see how it would be possible to put that much devotion into another person just to have them turn around and tear your heart out again.

I'm confused. At least I have a keyboard to type and you beautiful people to type too. Even if I do bore you, I'm letting out a little frustration.

I don't know if this makes a difference but Fraser was on last night and had a similiar topic and he told his patient (whose name happens to be Roz) that "love is a risk. You have to take it and hope for the best. Even if you are hurt, you must go on in life and continue to take the risk." Or sumfin similiar to my words. I guess he's right. I've just had a series of risks take relatively crappy turns so it's going to be hard to get over them all at the same time.

To all of the lonely, heart-broken, heart-forsaken, and even those in love, I wish only the best for all of you. My friends at home keep telling me to keep my chin up so I'll continue to do so. Unfortunately all that's gotten me is a crick in the neck!

peas & luv,
the caged one

Without further guilding the lily and with no more ado, I bid you farewell and sweet dreams...


Feemember
80 posts
Location: Brisbane (South) Qld Aussie :P


Posted:
One ends a new one begins... its clear that spring is in the air. My partner and i have been together for 3yrs this oct... like any relationship we've had our ups and downs but more recently its been downs... i keep holding out thinking things will get better... 3yrs is a long time, especially for me *sighs* but i dont know if it will get better, he works long hours and i rarely see him... ive told him flat out "i need more attention than that" we started twirling together last week and things have somewhat improved but theres something in the back of my mind sayin .. what if things go back to the way they were? So at this point i dont know where this relationship is headed... i love him more than anyone could know and i know he loves me, hes just doing what he has to do to get by in this world... but at what cost? *sighs* i dunno.. im starting to babble now and not makin much sense to myself... today i take each day as it comes... ill worry about tomorow when it gets here.

Live is meant to be lived.. never meant to be easy

Why do you like to confuse me so?


FlyntSILVER Member
Intrepid Penguin
5,635 posts
Location: Australia


Posted:
Rozi, i think i know what you mean, on the Less flirtation, getting older, more serious side of things....
but remember, thats also a choice. Perhaps its not in your nature right now to be flirtatious? perhaps your subconcious is just telling you to play it cool, and hang out and enjoy what you have for the moment ` also a good way to be

I dont think that flirting or fun levels have anything to do with age, i think it has to do with the person and how you relate to others. If your very nature is to be flirtatious, then why have you changed>?? if it depends on the person you are relating to at the time, then maybe you havent met anyone worth flirting with?

Every love is different, and the way you fall in love or act in love is different too, but thats all part of the fun! xoxoxox hope this makes sense and isnt just me rambling again...... *hugzhugzhugz*

Currently on the right side up of the world.


Trippie HippieBRONZE Member
old hand
733 posts
Location: Bewildered state of nothingness, United Kingdom


Posted:
I know where Rozi is coming from only too well, I myself am one of the eternally heart broken ones among us.
When you go through a break up it is hard, and really puts a huge dent in your confidence, and I surppose, as way of protection, you do start to withdraw yourself from the gaze of others.
Take me for example I was with my ex for 3 years and it was a very loving relationship, but she was very highly strung and I am really mellow, I sort of hoped that we were the other half of each other, but in my heart of hearts I knew that she was not “the one”.
We went through an terrible break up that nearly ended up killing me ( I kid you not!!!!) So for me the last thing I want is to be, is noticed, because that would mean that there was a possibility of putting myself in that situation again and I don’t think that I could take it.

But I have learnt that I don’t need that “special some one” to make me complete, to be complete I just need to find myself. Lets face it how can you love another when you cannot love yourself????

All I need is the love, thoughts, knollage, understanding (and hugz) that is shared here.

( I wonder if you can marry a website??? *Scraches head*)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night i met some pixies and we danced around a stone.


Trippie Hippie- Monty Dons secret love child

Fly like a mouse, run like a pillow, be the small book case.

"Last night i met some pixies and we danced around a stone".

Because dressing up is fun.


FireMikeZLaguna dude
1,438 posts
Location: Laguna, California, US


Posted:
does the feeling come back, Rozi? yes, certainly if you're like me: single right now, with a romantic's core which would never go and say "endless" coz being so blunted by loss isn't imaginable. . . and i take losses very hard.

the next for you just might not be instant; that would be luck, that what's nearby or you run into is a real "heedless" one for you - wonderful words of yours here. yet even if you get all realpolitik, there are probably how many? . . . thousands? of "heedless" ones for you, without worrying also about "THE optimal one" on this planet and lifetime overlap. . . the delicious thing is discovering just one. why we aren't limited to just one friend in the world. and you're one who wants "heedless," so you'll find that vibe, which isn't everyone. . . but incredible when it mates your own spirit.

you irresistible thing, you.

molten cheers,

~ FireMike

FireMikeZ@yahoo.com (personal messages welcome, no promo spam, please!)
Laguna, California, US


RoziSILVER Member
100 characters max...
2,996 posts
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia


Posted:
Darling, you make me feel irresistable...

Ooops, there goes that flirtation thing again!!!

Yep, being a flirt is a big part of my personality. But it ain't the typical "hey big fella" kinda flirtation. I smile & say please & thankyou, I take an interest. I really lay it on thick when it comes to waiters & waitresses I guess what has changed is the result. Because this kinda flirting can go two ways, you either make a friend or you find a lover. Maybe right now I am not ready to find a lover, so I just seem to be making a lot of friends. That's not such a bad thing, eh?

And when the time & the person is right...

I just can't help being a little jealous of people who are either starting out and settling in to relationships. I am not jealous of the person that they with, but I do sometimes get a twinge that says "I want what they are having . That emotion looks warm, they look happy". I am pretty happy myself, but sometimes I get wistful.

Well, I don't think any of us here are hopeless cases. We are all pretty sexy people. Lets all just go and have a random shag with someone cute, and have any needs for emotional support met by people on this board!!!

It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...


KyrianDreamer
4,308 posts
Location: York, England


Posted:
Lol @ that last post rozi...
quote:
Well, I don't think any of us here are hopeless cases. We are all pretty sexy people. Lets all just go and have a random shag with someone cute, and have any needs for emotional support met by people on this board!!!
Seriously, i had no idea what to say to this, but i liked the topic.

I still have no idea what to say and i still like the topic.

I'm one of those girls who flirts with guys and winds up friends with them. Or not. It depends i guess. So i kind of know what you mean there.

I like Pupp's fluffy side too.

I have no advice. If i had any advice someone has said it.

But I'll be your really dorky friend who likes listening to you and takes a really long time to say cool post, how's dat?

lol @ me

peace & love, kyri

[ 31 August 2002, 02:51: Message edited by: Kyrian ]

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....


CassandraFroggie ... Ribbit !!!
4,224 posts
Location: Back in Paris... for now !


Posted:
Yep .. i'd missed that thread, Rozi

hmmm... I have also been wondering these things recently, being single again as most of you seem to know allready.

I agree with Sickpuppy (allthough I've always hated percentages ) and I agree about Sickpuppy fluffiness but shhh, it's a secret

One of the things I have learnt is that growing up, you need people less and want them more ... as you sort you things out for yourself and can be alone and support yourself, you stop needing people to fill that emptiness inside which usualy is what leads to disappointment, bitterness and cynicism (sp ?) because only You can do that... and then you just start loving them "for free".

True ... there is nothing as pure as your first love ... but that does not make it the one and only valuable one. growing up and being more mature is also about chosing... chosing to continue giving, even after getting a few doors slammed on your sweet nose and parts of your heart broken in tiny pieces ...

I think you love each man / woman in your life with a different love and I don't beleive that you lose in quality, unless you decide to settle for less...

As for a difference between being in love and loving ... I guess it is just a matter of words ... for me being in love is just lovely but lighter, less commitment ... I can fall in love in a one week long relationship. I beleive I have never had what people call a fling because even the shorter stories were meaningfull to me...

But loving is about wanting the other's happiness, loving his soul more than anything... I think that love never stops even after a break up, it just changes and, being the soulmates that you are , enables you to become friends even after the end of a relationship. this is very rare ... i feel lucky to have it now... And I don't mean it in a heavy jealous manipulative and ambiguous exes relationship, rather in a pure, honest, supportive, caring, respectful way ... I have found that this love goes hand in hand with respect and communication which is why it can survive a break up and the two people having a love life of their own...

And then there is also passion ... passion is a feeling that burns and destroy. I don't mean spicy touches of passion wthin love ... i mean passion as in "I have him / her in my blood" and can't think properly anymore... some people think this is the only real love ... i think this is too destructive to be what i call love

May I add something about distance ...
I disagree with Nix? and Rozi ... I don't buy distance as a good enough excuse for break ups ... I think it only makes things stronger, reveals weaknesses which would have appeared otherwise anyway ... maybe a few years later ... but eventually would have destroyed the relationship... that is just my opinion though ...

hmmm... I think this has gotten me quite emotional and moved ... I find love to be the key in so many situations and feel so priviledged to have the friends and the soulmate that i have whom I love so dearly ...

shine on
keep loving
cassandra

"I want brown bread... no, that is diesel oil..."
"So I was raised in Europe, where History comes from ..."
"NON !!! La Plume de mon oncle n est pas Bingibangibungi !!!"


NYCNYC
9,232 posts
Location: NYC, NY, USA


Posted:
Big tender hugs and snuggles...

Then runs out the door in tie and briefcase...
for some reason craving orange juice.

Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]


RoziSILVER Member
100 characters max...
2,996 posts
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia


Posted:
yep, distance can never be the only reason. It does expose problems that would always have been there. I think the difference is that in the same town, those imperfections may have been small enough to bear. No relationship is perfect, no person is perfect, sometimes you just have to know what you can accept and what you cannot. Sometimes it is simply a matter of degree. And distance really magnifies any problems you have.

Thanks Cass, <<<<>>>>>

NYC, <<<<<<>>>>>> (Always have loved a man in a suit )

It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...


GlåssDIAMOND Member
The Ministry of Manipulation
2,523 posts
Location: Bristol, United Kingdom


Posted:
There are some thread topics that are so big that I start writing an offline reply to them and eventually give up and never finish it. I decided that I would post this whatever, its only taken me a week to reply.

I was destined not to finish this message, but for two things, the two most touching posts above are by rozi and nix. There’s too much I want to say, and I'm not good enough with words/ understanding to do this. so here goes:
__________________________________________________
Thing that I've never been able to put into words no.1)
Conditional Love: IMO We’e trained, from a young age to believe that love is conditional. If we say " I love you" then we expect, need, want that person to say I love you back, and we get sad/upset if they don't. This is not love. This is just some gooey mess.
__________________________________________________
Thing that I've never been able to put into words no.2)

Wanting in not happiness. To want for something or someone is to be unhappy. The fact that you want something means that you are not happy with your current situation. Wanting is not taking time to be grateful and giving thanks for everything that you do have.
__________________________________________________
Thing no.3
If you cannot love yourself how can anyone else love you?
like thistle says:
I've got a theory going that I can’t be happy in a relationship unless I’m happy with mice-elf. I’m not going to be happy witht the relationship if I don’t like half of it J
__________________________________________________
no.4
Lust is not love.
wanting is not love.
this is why I'm starting to thing that a 70 year old couple who are still in love after 50 years and still have a lust for life might just be one of the most beautiful things in the world
__________________________________________________
thing number 5 - the legal disclaimer pertaining to me being the patron saint of single persons (its on my profile) and legally required to present and unbiased and fair view of the merits of a singular existence:

being single, Its a very good thing to be.
(but beware of other single poi friends, they're all great hugz and sooo lovely in bed, but its a risky line in complications. Tee hee J)
__________________________________________________
Arsn:
Quote: "you'll find somebody who is just for you, and there just around that corner, I promise. "
The person just for you just around the next corner is you. . every time. you might be with someone else, but most importantly you will be with you. so you might as well get to like yours-elf.

Flynt quote, "..The average person will fall in live 2 times...."
LOL I dont think anyone round here is average.

Sickpuppy, "...the best way I've found to find someone you're interested in is to be the type of person you want to attract. It works, I swear."
not if the kind of person your trying to attract is the kind of person who plays it super cool. kills any chance of anything, I swear.

cage. neeep. eekkk. Good luck with that one.

Nix? what a steaming pile of poo, hope you do well getting over that mess. big sympathy. You're better off marrying your stick. (I can’t get this solid, but spin vertical over neck, over, left shoulder over right shoulder over neck.... this will be a monster when its solid. and tanny is wrong on these, they can be vertical. how you doing with it?)

Now I'm going back to dreaming about a certain lady who is very good with balls. and comes to visit me in 2 days.

this one turned into a bit of a post-a-saurus rex,
but I promised to mice elf that I would reply.

**hugs** to you all what ever your current relationship status.

Drew
(and the sig is partly about relationships too)
___________________________
Happy beginner


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