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Forums > Social Chat > This is not about poi that's why it's in social.

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:How do you get over being competitive?

seriously, i can't figure this out. this is the sense of competitiveness that stops me form doing many things because i know i can never be good at them- usually having something to do with not wanting to listen to people bitch about me or at me. The sense of competitivnesss that drives me insane enough to cry or scream or in fact eventually to stop doing things because i'm so bad at them and the most annoying and bitchy people are so much better.

and it is personality based. I don't want to be the best per se at anything, or at least not any time soon if ever. but i don't want to be beat by snotty people with bad attitudes, i can only handle being beat by nice people, people who might give me advice, or at least would clap graciously if they ever lost.

and another thing....even if they are nice, it bugs me when someone's been doing something like two years and i've been doing it like eight and they are better. i hate taht i do that, but i do and it drives me totally nuts and i get really jealous, so that's the one siutation where even with nice people i'm just soooo frustrated....

anyhow, any suggestions?


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Ade
SILVER Member since Mar 2001

Are we there yet?
Location: australia

Total posts: 1897
Posted:Perhaps this quote might give you something to consider, it's from an alchemical way of thinking about the world:

quote: Our educational system is based on competition and
comparison, and as children we are trained and motivated to
achieve, to climb the ladder, to be better than others, to be better
than ourselves. Our individuality and uniqueness are ignored, and
replaced by a personality whose only concern is to find a way to
rise higher. Our power games become subtle, sophisticated, and
socially disguised. We try to demonstrate ourselves as good, as
superior, through what we do and say, and judge people who
threaten our ego as bad, reducing them into being inferior. When
we judge someone, we often hide it from them, repeating it
silently within ourselves or gossiping about them to others. When
we gossip, it is almost always about power.

On a deeper and much more significant level, we have
internalized this struggle for power. Part of us fights to dominate
another part, and if we observe it closely, we notice that this has
become our whole life. Even our spiritual search, entangled in
comparison, becomes an effort to achieve, to rise higher, to
improve ourselves. The outer effort to dominate is only a reflection
of our inner obsession to become something more than we are.
When power trips are allowed the space to become totally alive
within us, without any judgement or hindrance at all, a deep
alchemical burning happens, releasing the pure energy of true
essential power. The discovery of a wonderful, quiet strength to be
yourself happens on its own. This exploration of power is an
opportunity to bring light and awareness to our power trips
through experiencing them, to recognize our subconscious
collective obsession around power in all depth and detail. This
recognition brings an inner shift of consciousness. Only a deep
experiential understanding of power in our lives can shift our inner
search ... from achieving ... toward discovery. It's about knowing, confronting and challenging your ego and what it think's its doing to you.
It's a start, I'm sure there are other HOPers that have a different view, and I, like yourself Kyrian, will be interested to hear them


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Charles
BRONZE Member since Jun 2001

Charles

Corporate Circus Arts Entertainer
Location: Auckland

Total posts: 3989
Posted:Wow...that's a lot to think on Ade.

In a different angle, Kyrian, you talk of others "beating you" or you "beating others".

I'm guessing you are talking about the moves they can pull off, or the level of skill you perceive them to have when compared to you.

Try using a different benchmark, rather than skills or moves.

See if that person builds rapport with others faster than you. See if they have a better dress sense. Look at other apsects of their life that they are likely to be unhappy about and which you have no problems with in your own life.

And then, after all that, forget who is "better" and who is "worse"

Look now at who seems happy and who seems miserable. See what correlation their skills and 'success' have had on their actual happiness.

That is where competition stops and self-awareness begins. Do what makes you happy. If comparing yourself to others makes you happy, keep doing it. If it doesn't, then do it a little less.

Don't worry if you slip back into the old ways that you don't like, accept that it has happened and try to make it less the next time.

I too, am very competitive by nature. A common benchmark I use with other entertainers is how much the crowd likes them, and has nothing to do with their technical skills.

Everynow and then, I realise I'm missing out on a great show because I'm comparing and analysing the sistuation rather than being entertained myself.

I'm now learning to sit back and enjoy these situations more than I used to. And because of that, I'm enjoying my life better.

There is still the odd time when i fall into CRITICAL MODE, and I don't see that as a setback, just as a reminder to celebrate the number of times that I haven't.

I hope that's not too rambling for other people to follow...


HoP Posting Guidelines
* Is it the Truth?
* Is it Fair to all concerned?
* Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
* Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:Ade... whoof, that is a lot to think on. Does seem interetsing tho, and i think it will be useful when i'm more awake! but cool post

Charles: nice post! thanks, again, quite a bit of useful stuff. i know changes don't come easily sometimes...... but mebbe i'll learn.

and btw....

quote: I'm guessing you are talking about the moves they can pull off the title is truth. if ur interested to know what i'm talking about, it's horseback-riding (indeed including competition) more specifically three-day-eventing (which kiwi's rock at. )


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Dom
BRONZE Member since Dec 2001

Dom

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK

Total posts: 3009
Posted:Competitiveness is very common. There's no easy way to remove it from your personality, that probably isn't possible at all. However it is possible to tame it and accept yourself and others as they are and see everyone's skills and flaws as a diversity to be enjoyed not envied.

I don't know now to instill this into yourself. Like Ade's post says, you need "The discovery of a wonderful, quiet strength to be yourself" and not judge yourself by the outward appearances and skills of other people.

quote:but i don't want to be beat by snotty people with bad attitudesLook at it this way, in the competiton to be lovely and fluffy and properly liked, you're way, way ahead of crappy, arrogant, snotty people. Those kinda people make you feel worse because not only do you get competitive, but their nature really makes you doubly want to get one over on them. But it really isn't worth it.


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DarkFairyQueen


member
Location: The Underworld

Total posts: 557
Posted:Hey Kyribug

If there's anything I learned in my brief experience of horse riding as a child, is the incredibly tense, ego-driven competitiveness between jockeys. It seemed to me to be more about image than skill level.
What you have to remember, is that you're a sweet, gorgeous person (outside and in), and joining in with this shallow competition will only serve to pulling you closer to being one of those snotty bitches. And they ARE snotty bitches
An think of it this way, I'm sure there's plenty of other things your good at. Because no-ones social conditioning is identical, we all grow up with different wants and ideals, thus different skill levels.
For example, my boyfriend, and all his friends were sent to private schools, and are all incredibly inteligent academically (sp??). While they can write an A-grade essay in five minutes, or plow through book after book, I'm left feeling like a stupid idiot because I'm no-where near that skill level.
But guess who can spin poi like a bitch? not them. And this is not me saying 'YES!! Finally something I'm 'better' at than THEM!' It's me recognising that people are good at different things, and seeing the beauty in the indevidual..

Big Hugz Gorgeous


Az abouve, So below...

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[Nx?]
BRONZE Member since Nov 2001

[Nx?]

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Europe,Scotland,Both

Total posts: 3749
Posted:errm,

I am one of thoes peaple who learns in two years what it took most 4 years to learn (tho not grammar apperantly) and ontop of than im an eldest bro, which tends to encourage a competative edge.

The thing is its diffrent for me, I really agree with Ade's post (and I want the source for the quote) because ive been through the experance. At one time in my life my position was made abundently clear to me, I was a 'loser', effectivly out of the compotetion. This forced me to examine the whole drive and action of my contemporys and myself. It lead me to the inner resources of power Ade refers too and alowed me to keep a ballanced view of the outside world.

Im very good at many things, but will never be the best at anything, I hate it when peaple beat me, but i smile all the same. Its a game, 'only a ride' and everyone dies. For me doing something I cant do is the best feeling, comepeteing against not yourself, but your expectations. it all means zip inna long run, so why not just have fun with it?

Thoes who know most, say least.
thoes that feel behind make races to catch up.

'It is not our darkness that we fear, it is our light'

as above, so below ( DFQ)

N


This is a post by tom, all spelling is deleberate
-><- Kallisti

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Raymund Phule (Fireproof)


Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California

Total posts: 2905
Posted:Kill everyone better than you, and then you no reason to be competitive!!

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"

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DarkFairyQueen


member
Location: The Underworld

Total posts: 557
Posted:Oh Raymund

Ya just had to go spoil that good vibe didn't ya?


Az abouve, So below...

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Charles
BRONZE Member since Jun 2001

Charles

Corporate Circus Arts Entertainer
Location: Auckland

Total posts: 3989
Posted:DarkFairyQueen, Ray hasn't killed the vibe, it was a social experiment to see how the rest of HoP reacted to his words in this thread.

And now,I guess, I'm one of the guinea pigs too...



HoP Posting Guidelines
* Is it the Truth?
* Is it Fair to all concerned?
* Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
* Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

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Ade
SILVER Member since Mar 2001

Are we there yet?
Location: australia

Total posts: 1897
Posted:Nix?, the quote comes from
The Alchemy Institute


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bender
GOLD Member since Nov 2001

still can't believe it's not butter
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Total posts: 6979
Posted:heh heh ray, u crack me up bro
Kyrian, what may help is if you look at life as action, (preferably right action!):
your entire life is composed of events that you often can affect with your power of choice.that which we cannot change with our decision must be left to the karma debt/credit that we have accumulated in life - this we can do best simply by accepting our dues.that which remains can be changed with our power of decision. Of this portion of your life, perceive each decision as another fork in the road - with each fork leading either with love or fear.applying this framework in the interactions with others, I've felt profound pride at my small victories over the negativity in my nature. if you can define your line in those clear lines, then you can most decisively conquer fear as being the shallow alternative to the love of life that you believe in! for eaxmple, applied to your scenario: do you allow fear to corner you at a performance? or do you remind yourself that poi people are lovely and that performance is a gift you give - a broadcast of your love of people!spend a meditation on this awareness exercise, with the quote used in my current signature... it's easier to apply a set of behaviours when you believe them to be Right action.
meep.


Laugh Often, Smile Much, Post lolcats Always

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