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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:Just wondering if people think it is normal for someone who has been hurt by another person to continuely lash out and say things (that they wouldn't normally say) in order just to hurt that person who hurt them?

Everytime I talk to this person who has hurt me quite deeply I just seem to blurt out things that I would not normally say just to try to make him hurt like he has hurt me.

We are trying to be "friends" but I seriously think that if I can't get over this being hurt and trying to get some sort of reaction from him then that will not be possible.

The worst part is once I stop talking to him and realise what I have said I feel like rubbish, really guilty and upset.

Is this a normal reaction or am I just a total cow? How can I stop myself saying the hurtful things to this person if I don't even realise what I am saying till it is out of my mouth?


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Puk
SILVER Member since Aug 2002

Puk

Sweet talented nutter
Location: Brisbane Oz, Australia

Total posts: 2615
Posted:Have you thought it how you cope with things ?.
Maybe you should advoid this person.


that shrewd and knavish sprite

Called Robin Good Fellow ; are you not he that is frighten of the maidens of the villagery - fairy

I am the merry wander of the night -puk

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I wish I could...but not only does this person have stuff in storage at my house but he is also part of my performance group.

He also owes me money.

Not to mention I still like the guy even though he has hurt me...he was also my closest friend (I don't have many) and not only have I lost him as the person I was seeing but also my best friend.

I have no confidant anymore...because of this rubbish that he and I have gone through.
And the more I bottle things up the more I know I will get more and more depressed.

So I guess I don't know how to cut him out of my life.


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Bretch


Bretch

enthusiast
Location: Cork, Ireland at present

Total posts: 247
Posted:Hmmm... it's hard for me to give you my opinion on this as you have only told a bit of the story.

As for what you are doing and then feeling terrible, I wouldn't worry about that, it's natural, I'm not saying that it is right, or a good way conduct yourself as it could have backfiring effects, but it's natural and people do far worse things then you have, so I don't think you need to stress about that.

But what you have told me, give his stuff back, tell him you want the money - and it's not your problem if he ain't got it, can't afford it.... is his stuff worth more then he owes - this is a bit evil... but black mail. "you give me my money back... or stuff will act as extra's on my fire poi"

But saying all that, I stayed friends with a ex, who wasn't particularly nice to me, and then me to her... but now we're great friends - I even moved into her flat for 2 months, and we got on dandy.

Final note, send me all the grossum details and I'll might be able to show you things in a way which you haven't seen before... then again I could be as good as a soggy banana on a cricket field!!!

hug to you


I used to be indecisive, but I'm not so sure now.....

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Socks
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Socks

Arf! Can I have a biscut?
Location: North America, Mid West, USA

Total posts: 288
Posted:How long has this person been acting like this? It's "normal" to be bitter and hurtful when you're hurt, that's unfortunately human. It becomes bad when the grudge is carried for a long time, weeks months and so on.

If they won't resolve with you, there's not a lot you can do I'm afraid to say. You can't make somoene else change their behavior no matter how hard you whack them with the idiot stick. All you can change is how you react to it, or possibly the damage they can do. hug

Hang in there, try to work it out with them, it might end up for the better good.

Socks


I'm weird. Just work through that and we'll all be fine.

"If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail." - Fran Lebowitz

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I have been acting like this since new years but have only spoken to him a couple of times...and I know that we have not really talked through what has happened...all I know is I am so cut about all that has happened (and not all of it to do with him) and I have no one to talk to about it.

This sort of thing would have normally been something I would have asked advice from him about but now I can't talk to him without verbally attacking him or feeling like crying.

The story is long and tedious and I don't think anyone would really be interested...besides if I told it you would all just tell me I was an idiot and to dump his sorry arse and never talk to him again.

But the thing is he was my best friend the person I would talk to about anything and now when I need him the most he won't talk to me because I am constantly attacking him verbally and he doesn't want to face up to the fact that he did wrong by me.


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Klowny
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Klowny

Disco Inferno
Location: Remote Western Australia Karra...

Total posts: 160
Posted:Have you ever considered why he instigated the situation, and that maybe he feels the same way? just a suggestion but if you havent already, approach him, dont beat around the bush tell him how distressed you are and that you feel a little lost.

"Only fools are positive! are you sure? Im POSITIVE"

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I highly doubt that the situation was brought about by me....the censored cheated on me.



It was a case of his boss kept propositioning him and one day he just gave in.



But there is more to it than just that...that was the start of the problems.



I would NEVER EVER cheat or lie to someone like that!


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Klowny
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Klowny

Disco Inferno
Location: Remote Western Australia Karra...

Total posts: 160
Posted:i never accused you causing him to do it. i merely said take alook at why he mightve done it,

"Only fools are positive! are you sure? Im POSITIVE"

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I will not answer that comment in the way I would like because I am so angry at that comment that it will clooud my judgement and I will end up saying something that might get me in trouble.

There is never okay to cheat and lie to someone. There is NEVER an excuse for it.


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Klowny
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Klowny

Disco Inferno
Location: Remote Western Australia Karra...

Total posts: 160
Posted:Maybe he feels as frustrated and distressed as you and feels he cant talk to you about it either? im only throwing suggestions around, you dont have to get mad at me...

"Only fools are positive! are you sure? Im POSITIVE"

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:Frustrated...he's the one who cheated he's the one who hurt ME!

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:How does it suddenly become my fault that he can't keep his hormones under control?

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Klowny
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Klowny

Disco Inferno
Location: Remote Western Australia Karra...

Total posts: 160
Posted:i understand that... i never been good with this never had to experience it... ive never had a close friend do that to me, but i have had friends in this situation, i found that they just needed to detach themselves from that person but i feel just dropping them seem a bit of a waste i mean if they r that close to you you cant do that right, look if he means as much to you as you proclaim he does, you will be willing to sit down and talk like calm human beings, i mean is there absolutely no one you can talk to other than us HoPpers im trying best i can but ya know there is a diffferent level of understanding between some one who is right there and some one offering condolences over a forum...

"Only fools are positive! are you sure? Im POSITIVE"

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Klowny
BRONZE Member since Nov 2004

Klowny

Disco Inferno
Location: Remote Western Australia Karra...

Total posts: 160
Posted:that probably doesnt make as much sense now than wat it did in my head as i typed it, wat im trying to say is, you know in your heart what you really wanna do and you want approval for it... something i dont think too many people are willing to offer, and i never said that wat he did was your fault, and i know nothing can excuse wat he did.

"Only fools are positive! are you sure? Im POSITIVE"

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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas, USA

Total posts: 3899
Posted:well, first of all: hug hug hug hug hug for Medusa.

And yes, it is normal for people to lash out like that after they have been hurt. It is a typical defense mechanism.

Also please don't get so mad at Firebug - I am pretty sure he is trying to be helpful, but you are so angry about things right now that maybe you can't see that - also understandable.

So then, there are also several things I could say right now that would attempt to soften Medusa's view of her (ex?)boyfriend's actions, But I think medusa doesn't want to hear that sort of thing right now, so I won't mention them. I do know Medusa is a sweet girl and doesn't deserve to be so disappointed in things.

But then again I am a sweet guy - or at least I used to be. And you know what, women make mistakes and cheat on their boyfriends too - and they do it as much as guys do (in my case, they seem to do it a lot more than me). We are all human, and human things happen. At this stage in my life, I wouldn't get nearly so bent out of shape about such a thing unless:

1. my partner was the super possesive type who is always on my case for looking at/talking to/flirting with other women - as in don't get on my case for something that you are going to do.

2. My partner was really stupid and didn't use a condom. I'll forgive many things, but unprotected sex with an outsider to the relationship is pretty much an instant relationship ender. Have at least that much consideration for me.

and/or

3. I have to put up with crap in some way shape or form because my partner slept with someone else (like they were a friend of mine, they were married and now their pissed off spouse is busting my balls for not controling my partner, you slept with a stalker, or some other such stupidness). In other words - be smart about who you sleep with if you are going to sleep with someone else.

so in your case, Medusa, what I would be really concerned about is: did he wear a condom and why was he so stupid as to sleep with his boss? that is never a good idea. even sleeping with co-workers is a dangerous choice (even when you are single).

To err is human, to forgive is divine. Just don't let him walk all over you - be strong in your forgiveness if that is what you want to do, and be strong in your refusing to forgive if that is your choice. I know you want to lash out, and it is natural to do so, but you will find yourself in a much stronger position if you do not and instead look inside yourself and decide what it is you want (forgive him or tell him you can't forgive him) and then do it in a straitforward way with conviction and discipline in your heart and soul.

I can't say what is best for you since I don't know you that well or know the particulars of your situation, but I can tell you that inner strength is the way to deal with this situation. Relationships are a laberyinth of good and bad experiences and lessons, and you will spend the rest of your life learning how best to navigate them. Just don't let yourself fall into the pits of despair along the way.


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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Gnor
BRONZE Member since Mar 2003

Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth, Australia

Total posts: 5814
Posted:Medusa you are starting to heal a little I think. Recently either I am reading you wrong or you are beginning to ease off at him and in doing so at yourself as well.
You have the right to be frustrated and cranky at anyone but please be easy on yourself.
As you say its the loss of friendships thats crucifying you and the whole sitiuation has been compounded by the other stuff thats happening around you at a time when you need the support more than usual.
You are a wonderful person who is a blessing on the local scene and you will work through this and still be the wondeful person I find you to be.
Take care and hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug


Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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=Flashpoint=
SILVER Member since Sep 2004

=Flashpoint=

Pasta of Muppets
Location: in the interwebs..., United Ki...

Total posts: 2719
Posted:Medusa, I got totally blasted by an ex so much so I couldnt even begin to be nice to anyone. So when the perfect girl came into my life, I was blind as hell for a while until I saw that she was just perfect etc etc

Moral of the story is: Don't let your hatred and/or anger get in the way of anything else, the red mist blinds you to anything good.

As for the problem in hand, I would say talk to him about it, but keep your emotions in check. I totally agree that cheating on you was a stupid and careless thing for him to do. He has lied and he has decieved you and toyed with your feelings. But if you do want to be friends, then talk to him about it, reasonably and maybe with a little force to show that this will not be forgiven in such a short time.

Please don't cut him dead. It happened to me (although there was no reason for her to) and it might destroy him if he does still care for you.


ohmygodlaserbeamspewpewpew!
ubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmileubbrollsmile

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I thought I was getting better too gnor but I was on the phone with him yesterday and I just coudln't help having a shot at him...he said something that stirred me and before I could even think then words had shot out of my mouth....now I feel bad.

I even dreamt about it last night...

I know I am ruining any form of friendship that we may have had but damn it he won't even talk to me about anything.

Most of my acquaitances know what has happened and they have been messaging and calling every other night (this is the other thing that is going on in my life which seems to be making my problem with this male worse) to make sure I am okay...and this guy who is meant to be the person who says he cares about me and wants to be my close friend can't even be bothered calling or messaging me to see if I am okay.

Everything seems to be catching up to me at the moment and I am finding it really hard not to just break down.

Firebug24 - I am sorry for getting angry at you I am not usually like this I swear! I am just extremely over emotional and seem to be letting my anger and hurt take the better of me. Please accept my apology.


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Bretch


Bretch

enthusiast
Location: Cork, Ireland at present

Total posts: 247
Posted:Jeezzz, all that for one bloke??? Now that does seem a harsh statement, but thats what you should be thinking in many years to come, I know that helps about as much a giving a shotgun to a cow, but IMO, depending on how you deal with it now, depends how you feel in time, and it shouldn't be one of hurt/misery and pain. It should be, oh well, sh*t happens and carry on drinking your tea.
hug
Your other half should always, I feel, be your best friend, so in many broken relationships, we loose our buddy and our emotion shoulder, and it's censored that we want the person that causes the pain to ease the pain. It's ironic at its most.
hug
Regarding that he should be caring and him not aksing you, well, this is a hard one (for you), he knows he did wrong, he knows he hurt you, and he probably wants to help you (I can't say he does, but probably), but he can't, what can he say? When people do wrong, they don't like to admit it, and will do all kinds of things to make them think they were right or make them not feel bad, or not to feel at all (I think that latter apply's in this situation).
hug
There's lots of advise in here, and plenty of people willing to try and help you, but at the end of the day, it's your feelings that will act out, you can only but try!!! (but advise and other peoples opinions are always helpful, even when you don't care for it)

hug


I used to be indecisive, but I'm not so sure now.....

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:I do care for people's advise!!! And I thank everyone for giving their opinions and ideas to me.

I appreciate the fact that at least in here though the hugs are not quite as good as the real thing that there are actually people in here who seem to care.

I guess one day I will look back to this time in my life and laugh at how stupid I was.

But right now all I can think about is how I am hurting and how I want to make him hurt too.

Thank you again to you all...any more advise would be gratefully received and the advise given is priceless.


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Bretch


Bretch

enthusiast
Location: Cork, Ireland at present

Total posts: 247
Posted:I agree, I think alot of people here care... in fact i'm often surprised by how much people care and are willing to give and try and help, even though as you said it's hard through a forum, and a little pic of a hug is nowt compared to a real hug, but the thoughts there and if I could, I would give you a proper hug hug2. BUt being in the UK... there's not much chance of that huh??!?! And I've done my trip round Oz already....

Fair enough you wonna hurt him back, some would advise to do that exact thing, physically or mentally. I've never felt that way myself... I just went into a typical broken hearted depression and nothing do with with her... through no choice of my own, which wouldn't have been my choice had I had it, but it was the best way for me anyway I think.

And when you do look back and laugh, don't think that it's stupid, it's..... shrug .. ...... something else, but can't think of the right word.


I used to be indecisive, but I'm not so sure now.....

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:Probably a learning experience...hehe

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Bretch


Bretch

enthusiast
Location: Cork, Ireland at present

Total posts: 247
Posted:Yeah, have a listen to You learn, by Alanis Morissette. So so so true.... oh, I've just got them for ya if you don't know it...


I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn


It's a cool, true song (for me anywayz)


I used to be indecisive, but I'm not so sure now.....

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