Forums > Social Chat > Rejected by a dame!!!!

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BurningByron
member
Location: Australia
Member Since: 10th May 2002
Total posts: 340
Posted:Last weekend for the first time in my life, I was rejected by a girl. You all my say If youve only ever been rejected once by a girl then youre a very lucky man it doesnt feel like that though. The problem was that I wasnt rejected by just a girl, she was my best friend. It cuts fucken deep. Its not as if she went "no u so ugly that my dog's scared of u", infact it all went really well except for the whole she doesnt reckon either of us are ready for it, you see we've both just came out of long term relationships. She even kinda admitted that we're perfect for each other. Regardless of the details the fact is that I feel like shit and I need some advice about how to learn to love myself again after such rejection. Drugs, alcohol and spinning fire hasn't worked and I dont want to have to fall into the arms of another girl to get over it all, so give us some non destructive advice guys.

HOW TO FLY 101:
step 1. Throw your self at the ground.
step 2. Miss.

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Dom
Dom

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK
Member Since: 19th Dec 2001
Total posts: 3009
Posted:There's no 'way' to get over rejection other than by accepting it, trying to understand it and learning from it. Distracting yourself from it only buries it to grow and surface later.

It sounds like this girl thought it and probably did the right thing. Getting together with your best friend is a big risk. Fact: You will at some time break up, and chances are you won't be best friends afterwards. It very rarely, if ever, works out that way. If someone's a best friend it doesn't mean you're going to be the perfect couple. You may get on better and have a healthier relationship staying as friends. So maybe she thought about it and decided your friendship was worth too much to risk, and it may be a risk you're willing to take, but she's not. And she may just not think of your that way.

Personally I got together with my best friend. Years of happiness, it worked beautifully and we were happy. A lover, partner and best friend all rolled into one. Some of our friends were placing money on us being most likely to get married. But relationships rarely last forever, plus, being a bit crap, I fucked up and now I've lost my best friend, and that hurts and puts a hole in your life. Friends and lovers come and go, but a true best friend is a rare and irreplaceable gift.

If you haven't ever been rejected by somebody you cared about before then your hurt may also be partially due to a damaged ego. For that bit of your hurt the only advice is "get over yourself!". Sounds harsh, but this will happen to you. You'll have to face that you're not so special that no girl can turn you down.


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DarkFairyQueen
member
Location: The Underworld
Member Since: 9th Mar 2002
Total posts: 557
Posted:I'm sorry to hear about your plight sweetness. I think you're absolutely right about one thing. Now would be a good time for you to re-discover yourself. Remind yourself of how wonderful you are. I think your friend needs space to do that too. I've noticed that alot of long term relationships tend to leave you feeling like one half of a whole. While your so concerned with this new burning love for eachother, you don't realize how much you change/adapt to the world of 1+1. It's so easy to lose parts of yourself along the way.
I know this feeling well. I've been in a relationship for the last two and a half years, and a few months back I came to the realization that I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd become a totally different person. I'd worked everyday, stayed home everynight. Cooked and cleaned for myself and ma boy. I realized that all my friends were his friends, and I seemed to have left my life..and myself behind.
I thought to myself, 'it's time for a change'. I didn't feel like myself and I hated it. So, I started doing things for myself. I got myself out of the house as often as possible. I stared going to spinning gatherings twice a week and made new friends (fantastic people they are ). I also got in touch with old friends, these guys really help bring me up, and remind me of how wonderful I'm capable of being.
I feel like a totally different person now. I'm so much more alive and confident. So much more like, myself.
So don't be down. It does take time and patience, like most things. But you'll be back up before you know it .

With regards to the situation with your friend, be patient. I have a friend who I knew liked me for years. One day he just came out and told me that he was madly in love with me, and that it would never change. At the time I just wasn't feeling the same. But this guy is more like a soulmate to me so we've stayed friends with no problems. The thing is, I've always known we'd be perfect for eachother, there was just a few aspects of his personality that I thought I wouldn't be able to handle. Years later, having both grown from our experiences, I now see him in a different light. It's almost like all these years it wasn't the right time for us. That kinda makes it more special, because through everything our devotion to eachother as friends has been constant. Now I can see somthing blossoming in the future. Somthing that will mean so much more than a rushed decision.

Sending you a PHAT fluffy hug.
You'll get through it, just believe in yerself

xxx


Az abouve, So below...

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Raymund Phule (Fireproof)
Raymund Phule (Fireproof)

Enter a "Title" here:
Location: San Diego California
Member Since: 31st Dec 2001
Total posts: 2905
Posted:Look man, just relax... still be friends with your dame dont change your relationship with her. The best thing to do is not change how things are, when she feels the time has come, she will be yours and all will be well.

Some Jarhead last night: "this dumb a$$ thinks hes fireproof"

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SickpuPpy
SickpuPpy

Ninja Rockstar!
Location: Denver, Co. U.S.A.
Member Since: 27th Nov 2001
Total posts: 1100
Posted:There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says:

"Best way to get over girl is get underneith other girl."

Perhaps this applies here.


Jesus helps me trick people.

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FireMikeZ
FireMikeZ

Laguna dude
Location: Laguna, California, US
Member Since: 24th Jul 2002
Total posts: 1438
Posted:less ancient Chinese fire spinner say puppy (with love) go fetch!

Byron, my nature's to Burn intensely, with people as well as anything else, as yours may be here. so it surprises me a bit to hear me say, there is also the option of simply waiting.

no, your pain isn't removed. indeed, my poet's soul, it's deep fucken cut is extended, complexified, excruciated. the contribution i offer is rewidening your perspective to grasp the many possibilities of your future. if she's said no, on serious consideration, with a good feel for who you both are now, respect that... yet you also say you're both in a stage of recent withdrawal from long romances... so without definite ulterior plans (though you may always have some intentions), see what happens over time, remember you have a long future with her at least as a friend. your door is open anyway, and don't sit inside your vestibule waiting only for her maybe, but with her current pass on your offer in hand, keep going besides her, the friend you loved so much you felt the urge for greater intimacy. then see who you each and both become. find out who you both develop into, and how your relationship evolves.

BurningByron, i'm a pluralist in everything i ingest and value. you'll even see what i have to offer totally embraces and complements what everyone else has said, giving you their love, especially DarkFairyQueen and Dom. maybe it'll even put our words all together as one picture.

so while i believe in rites of passage, myself, from Rollo May of the existentialist psychologists, i learned a true and refreshing insight into depression that's counter to the usual feretting-out-old-sources. he said depression (which is not quite where you're at, but you're smart, take from this what sheds light for you on your romantic dismay) is a failure of imagination. people can't imagine being happy again in the future, and may repress the memory of how they've been happy before. well, see what a charming dude you're going to be for your friends in the future, starting... now or whenever you feel ready to step out... and be that potential which fulfills and flourishes you.

then see how she feels about who you become.

and you know it's natural to seek close comfort in your closest friends when you've just lost someone else. so puppy's instinct is also, fundamentally, driving you, Byron.

remember, she hasn't rejected you as the friend you already are, and while i cherish friends who succor each other out of their downs, the pause from her current pass on you as a lover seems to ask, positively, that you both, or each, have new mates out of the strength of your ups, your fuller selves, and not from solacing the pain and anxiety produced in the end of what's just past with others.

feel you way into being your best again, so good you'd be chronic without her, or chronic with her, lucky to have your best friend, strong enough to be someone else's mate while having the great blessing of her keen sharp friendship besides.

now that's a helluva life.


molten cheers,

~ FireMike

FireMikeZ@yahoo.com (personal messages welcome, no promo spam, please!)
Laguna, California, US

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BurningByron
member
Location: Australia
Member Since: 10th May 2002
Total posts: 340
Posted:Thanx for the comforting words guys.
This morning I came to the conclusion that I have placed myself in a position where I must learn to accept myself regardless of the acceptance of others.
This is a huge thing for me, (and nearly all people I would think), as being accepted as the person I am is one thing that I never received from my parents and as a result I have large rejection issues.
I now have to spend more time looking internally for the love that I seek instead of in external distractions.

Thanx again guys. Its amazing the wisdom and compassion that a bunch of pyromanicas can offer to each other.

No expectations.
No attachments.
Only living and experiencing within the moment.


HOW TO FLY 101:
step 1. Throw your self at the ground.
step 2. Miss.

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FireMikeZ
FireMikeZ

Laguna dude
Location: Laguna, California, US
Member Since: 24th Jul 2002
Total posts: 1438
Posted:since you sound strengthened, let's be more real yet, Byron. good to hear your internal blooming, let love rush for yourself, demand, allow, and enjoy it. but it's also from the external, it's what ya just got from us, even from this much meeting, and lucky you, you'll be getting so much more from so many who'll mean so much to you.

ask of us anytime you feel the need. and with that, forgive my adding a note to your rounded last message, in order to offer friendship into your future, not only a moment you know is so important.

truly


molten cheers,

~ FireMike

FireMikeZ@yahoo.com (personal messages welcome, no promo spam, please!)
Laguna, California, US

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SmallBoy - x
SmallBoy - x

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: London
Member Since: 29th May 2002
Total posts: 2737
Posted:Not that I have ANY place to comment on these things but......I'm going to anyway.

1. If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be (At least not yet anyway) - but god do NOT sit there wallowing in pity and pining for her.
That may even go so far as to upset your friendship with her coz she might not feel comfortable with you any more.
2. If you don't get rejected, then you don't appreciate those that don't.
If every girl jumped at you, then it wouldn't be any fun would it?

Right so get on with it........chat up 14 of her mates, her sister, her mum and everyone else in the general vicinity.......never know, she might realise that she really does want you etc....
(Probably not if you end up shagging her sister or something but hey.....if you're really lucky that might be what she's after - in which case feel free to post some pictures of the 3 of u together) - LOL
Peace man - hope your pain lessons quickly....
If not - go skin up.......
Keep Smiling and Stay Green
SmallBoy

PS not doing my reputation any favours am I?
Y'all know I'm not a tart really don't you?
Don't u?........


Small Lardy Person In Disguise

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BamBam
BamBam

Pooh-Bah
Location: London
Member Since: 1st Dec 2001
Total posts: 1810
Posted:Small Boy....you might lie to us, but please be true to yourself

You are what you are and that's why we love you.......isn't it?

Byron - You sound like you're really working this out for yourself, good for you.

Bam


A kiss blown is a kiss wasted, the only kind of kiss is a kiss tasted.

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a LITTLE bit scary.

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