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Forums > Social Chat > Long-distance Relationships...Help!

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Moonfireo22


member
Location: Queens, New York (In a little ...

Total posts: 26
Posted:I met this really cool guy and knew him online and on the phone for about a year now...The problem is he Lives in Illinois and i live in Ny...not even just a few states, but also a whole Time zone away, My question is...do long-distance relationships work? we both like each other but would it work?

Even Though Sorrow Is Just A Step Away, Live Life To The Fullest And Cry Another Day.

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Trippie Hippie
BRONZE Member since May 2002

Trippie Hippie

old hand
Location: Bewildered state of nothingnes...

Total posts: 733
Posted:I hate being the synic (sp?) but,
NO, NO, NO, NO......I have a few t-shirts baring the scars on this subject.



Trippie Hippie- Monty Dons secret love child

Fly like a mouse, run like a pillow, be the small book case.

"Last night i met some pixies and we danced around a stone".

Because dressing up is fun.

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Dom
BRONZE Member since Dec 2001

Dom

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK

Total posts: 3009
Posted:These are my random thoughts here and now. Not at all thought through so I reserve the right to be proved wrong and back track. and my head hurts this week.

What would it mean to commit long distance to this guy? Could it be a real 'relationship' in the sense of a committed boy/girlfriend? Does it make any difference if you're girlfriend+boyfriend or would it be almost just for the sake of it?

To condense a possibly endless definition: a traditional 'couple' relationship is where you have a main partner with whom you share most of your life, feelings and body with. Due to the physical distance between long distance 'lovers' these relationships don't contain a lot of that physical closeness I think is essential for a relationship. I don't just mean sex, it's also about going to the same places together, walking to the cornershop holding hands, meeting up for mindless videos after work. Sharing your life with someone else can't happen just through telling them what you did today over the phone.

This proximity to someone also reveals a lot more about that person than they can ever reveal through other means. Through phone calls, emails, IM chats and even brief real life visits you only get exposed to a processed person. You only get to really know someone by experiencing them in real life, like when you see how they react to the little things like meeting people, a busy store, a traffic jam or a potential jealousy inducing situation. I think my logic would override me falling for anyone over the internet. For me I need to have the quirky, little things about someone to fall in love with: the way they shrug their shoulders; the way they smile; they looks they'll give you when you're being silly.

So I believe physical proximity is essential to form and maintain a relationship. Without this essential physical element to a relationship I don't think they form realisticly or survive. Distance affects a relationship, and physical distance can become emotional distance. I don't think they're really 'proper' relationships as they lack so much I feel is essential.

I know that it's possible to fall in love with someone's personality through email and phone calls. You can love that person as a special friend, a soul mate, but I still think that for a relationship you need a physical element of sharing as well. If this is what your friend is, a best friend who happens to be of the opposite sex, then keep him as that, a best friend.

This will only become a problem if either of you establishes another 'couple' relationship. In this case the new partner can be uneasy with a plutonic best friend who is of the opposite sex whether they live next door or in another state. How best to handle this? Well, I'm not able to answer that question.

Hope that gives you something to think about.


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Dom
BRONZE Member since Dec 2001

Dom

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Bristol, UK

Total posts: 3009
Posted:Just dug up your intro thread. Want to add something that I hope you won't think is patronizing.

You're only 19. At this stage in your life you should definitely not be getting bogged down in complex relationship situations which can turn into a mine field and really confuse you and mess things up. To even try a long distance relationship I think it needs people with experience of several long term relationships. At 19 I don't think that many people have that experience, and those that do often feel later that in retrospect a long term relationship was not right for them at that time of their lives.

Feel free to keep talking here or PM me if you wanna chat.


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fluffy napalm fairy


fluffy napalm fairy

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Brum / Dorset / Fairy Land

Total posts: 3638
Posted:eep! that's a very long distance indeed.

I have but one thought on these matters. I met my boyfriend online. I live on the South coaast of the UK, he lives in the north. All is happy and wonderful and couldn't be better. We appreciate each other so much when we're together (which is a suprisingly huge ammount of time) that it makes it all a thousand times worth while.



Geologists do it in the dirt................ spank

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Moonfireo22


member
Location: Queens, New York (In a little ...

Total posts: 26
Posted:Yes i may be 19 but i've been through a lot, more then any 19year old should go through (but that is a different story)....i've had a relationship thats lasted 2 1/2 years then one that lasted 6 months and most recently one that lasted 8 months...But i believe in fate and if i haven't been with this last bf i would have never met this guy..you know various things that if never happened i wouldn't be here....It just feels like god set this up just for a few laughs.

Even Though Sorrow Is Just A Step Away, Live Life To The Fullest And Cry Another Day.

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[Nx?]
BRONZE Member since Nov 2001

[Nx?]

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Europe,Scotland,Both

Total posts: 3749
Posted:No.

This is a post by tom, all spelling is deleberate
-><- Kallisti

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SorchaTheFlaming


member
Location: Calgary alberta Canada

Total posts: 235
Posted:speaking form personal experiance.
traditionally they dont work.. but one of my friend has also had a long distance relashionship and now they are engaged.
*shrugs*

im not good at this crap really..


Teach tolerance, not competition.
Send food, not bombs.

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Rozi
SILVER Member since Jan 2002

100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia

Total posts: 2996
Posted:Just like any relationship, it takes both partners making a lot of effort. You both have to be committed to keeping in touch, over the phone, over email, and arranging to see each other. Because it is not like you can just pop round to see the other person. If one partner does all the work, then they begin to resent the other.

what can really hurt you, is not being there when your partner is upset, or going through rough times. Whilst talking to them on the phone can provide a certain amount of comfort to both of you, it is nothing to putting your arms around them.

I guess what I am saying is, as one who has been there, it is really tough. It is not impossible, but it is really tough. You have to figure out what you value in a relationship, & whether you are going to get it from this. (I love Dom's description):

quote:the way they shrug their shoulders; the way they smile; they looks they'll give you when you're being silly. You may not get to know these things in a long distance relationship, and if these are the things you value, maybe it ain't for you. but maybe the relationship gives you other things that you value equally or more.

Take care, & I hope all goes well

Roz


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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Tanessa


member
Location: Canada

Total posts: 91
Posted:My boyfriend lives in California, I miss him quite a bit. It's hard, but it's so worth it for every moment I do get to spend with him when we are together. Right now it's been just over 2 months since I've seen him, and I'll have to wait probably another month yet. We really care for each other and bide with the bitterness of the distance. Phone bills are kinda crazy. I never thought it would work, but if you really care, then it doesn't matter where you guys are, as long as you're always in each others hearts. Love is crazy. What you make of it is up to you. Good Luck.

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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:My lady love and I only live about 220 miles apart so it's not a patch on a whole timezone. And she mostly said what i was going to say in her post (she is mistress Napalm Fairy if you didn't know).

But i will say this. The only way you can truly know if it will work out is to try it. If it's meant to be then it shall be. If not chalk it up to experience.

Live for the moment. Not on a diet of "what if's" and "if only's".


"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Cazzar


member
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Total posts: 53
Posted:Dom i don't think you should judge people on there age or expliot the fact that poel who are young can handle a relatoinship...there are plenty of forty year olds out there who have no hope in hell of ever having a proper relationship and lots of young people who can so age is not a matter at all. I thought that was rather patronizing....
Have you not noticed how fast young people grow up these days?
not saying it's right...but people go through different experiences.
cazzar


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Cazzar


member
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Total posts: 53
Posted:posted 09 August 2002 17:15
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dom i don't think you should judge people on there age or expliot the fact that people who are young can handle a relationship...there are plenty of forty year olds out there who have no hope in hell of ever having a proper relationship and lots of young people who can so age is not a matter at all. I thought that was rather patronizing....
Have you not noticed how fast young people grow up these days?
not saying it's right...but people go through different experiences.
cazzar


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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:I'm with Cazzar. I know at least one 19 year old that's more mature than me and has more experience with serious relationships (however unsuccessful) and I know a 30 year old that has only ever had one relationship that lasted more than a week.

Age doesn't mean that you're more ready to commit/take things seriously. It just means you're older.


"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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Cantus
SILVER Member since Jul 2001

Cantus

Tantamount to fatuity
Location: Down the road

Total posts: 15965
Posted:And it's not often i agree with a canadian. So bask in it for a moment

"I'll carry this....It's harder to spill a hat" - Chellybean
"...like a rabbit caught in a lighthouse?" - Chellybean

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BigPants


member
Location: Surrey

Total posts: 99
Posted:I think if you felt the need to ask a message board whether you should go out with this guy or not; you know in your heart of hearts that its not the right thing to do.

Also i don't think the fact that your 19 is the problem, i think its the fact that you haven't been single for more than 5 mins in your adult life. Take a break. Being single is great (highly under rated); you need time to grow as a person and know what you want out of life. Go out and party, kiss lots of people, get drunk, go yo uni, whatever. Life isn't one long hunt for the perfect partner its about making the most out of life and experiencing everything. Anyway if he is the one, let him move to you.


The bigger the pants the better!

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Salinger


member
Location: Southampton

Total posts: 382
Posted:Well I've been going out with a girl for a year on the 24th of this month, she is in Brazil and I am in Jersey (Not USA). Last time I saw her was the beginning of January when I left her to come home, so it's been 8 months now without being together.

But we email each other two or three times a day and speak every other day and we have kept things as close if not closer over that time. It's all about the effort you put into it, and how much you love each other, if you think in the long term with each other then things like distance can be dealt with.

Anyway, my story has a happy ending, I'm off to Brazil to see her in a week for a month of doing all the things we've missed out on doing together!


A conspiracy of silence speaks louder than words...

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:Well, these things go all ways and i think this is going to be rambly but i hope it helps. Dom and Rozi are both full of good advice, so read that which they said and ponder it.

I know a guy who was in a long distance relationship with a girl he met online for 5 years. and for awhiel it was good, but then it wasn't. five years is too long to be away from someone you never spent taht much tiem iwth i think though.

I know heaps of engaged 19yos, and it is a bit much. no matter how old you are inside, you should still be changing, no matter what happened, perhaps especially if you went through stuff no one should have, ur gonna change still, and hopefully ur gonna grow even more beyond ur past, commited relationship? well it's ur choice i don't see why not but please don't get married till you've lived irl with them for awhile...

you might be able to haev a long distance relationship starting long distance, but it's almost too tough to truly be worth it, b/c you don't know them perfect till you spend rl time with them, you know what i mean?

I've fallen for online personalities more than once, but i know better than to base a whole relationship on that, what i always say is that i'll date them when we live near each other, and sometimes if they don't say nethin i don't, i figure if it's gonna work long distance you might as well bide ur time with freedom, 'cause if it's meant to be, then when you finally get together it will be meant to be, and then you get the all everything.....

means patience on my part i know waiting till i have freedom to live near people i might otherwise like to date or mebbe it's not meant to be anyway would take patience on ur part too but perchance you coudl work something out in teh future if it means that much to you guys? live near each other, then date then that's my thoughts.

sorry so long and rambly- hope there's some sense in there!

peace & love,
kyri


Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Moonfireo22


member
Location: Queens, New York (In a little ...

Total posts: 26
Posted:I was asking on the board for people's thought's...just wanted to see people's reactions and there have been some good points and counter-points that i have to think on....i mean i've been a miss goody two shoes my whole life...i can't go out and be wild just like that, you know? it's not my nature. I know that if it was meant to be it will all work out in time so i can only take it day by day now. Thanks for all the great posts.

Even Though Sorrow Is Just A Step Away, Live Life To The Fullest And Cry Another Day.

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Kyrian


Dreamer
Location: York, England

Total posts: 4308
Posted:love ur sig btw

Keep your dream alive
Dreamin is still how the strong survive

Shalom VeAhavah

New Hampshire has a point....

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Moonfireo22


member
Location: Queens, New York (In a little ...

Total posts: 26
Posted:Thanks...even though when i speak in real life i can be unsure of my words, but when it comes out on paper....I love to be poetic.

Even Though Sorrow Is Just A Step Away, Live Life To The Fullest And Cry Another Day.

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Cazzar


member
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Total posts: 53
Posted:BUAHAHAHAHAHAH CHEERS C@NTUS...!!!!
I'll bask in it for a moment....

* basks in the fact that C@ntus agrees with a Canadian*

Nevertheless i'm am a canazander....part kiwi...so hey BUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA......

But yes btw..uh hem * clears throat*
I have no more to discuss
peace to you all
cazzar


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Cage


member
Location: St. Paul, MN USA

Total posts: 174
Posted:I hate to be a downer but my bf and I had been dating very seriously for almost three years. Since he co-oped all over, we have lived in far-way states and times zones three times. I was always the optomistic one untill about a month ago, he called me up from Seattle and wanted to go our seperate ways. It's up to you but unless you are close with this person to start with, I will tell you it is not easy. You will have to work at it. However, I trust you to make your own decision and not listen to the advice of a rambling, heartbroken stranger.

Good luck, my friend. The only true advice for anyone would be to follow your heart.

peace & luv,
the caged one


Without further guilding the lily and with no more ado, I bid you farewell and sweet dreams...

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