Forums > Social Chat > Unfriendly work people - coping strategies request

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- cat -
- cat -

member
Location: Perth
Member Since: 16th Nov 2003
Total posts: 48
Posted:Hi all.. I haven't posted in ages but I could not find my exact question in previous postings so here goes..but if anyone else finds it please feel welcome to direct me!

I was wondering whether any of you guys had good strategies for dealing with super-unfriendly work people. This one girl is *seriously* unfriendly.

Examples include.. I'll say hi (as you do to people) and she'll look at you, and ignore you. Constantly. No she is not hard of hearing to the best of my knowledge. So... I tend not to say hi which is weird for me...

Also.. I was firetwirling (as a favour) at a work person's birthday party.. I know this girl firetwirls too.. and I waved hi (cos her boyfriend did) at both of them, and she rolls her eyes and fully turns her back on me.

She is sometimes SUPER friendly (totally fake), which I cannot be 100% receptive to because its kinda like a slap in the face when she turns around and is rude in 5 minutes for no reason.
I have done nothing but be totally open and friendly to her, I believe in cultivating at the very least polite and workable relationships with people at work. I mean you see them every day - I don't see a need to throw in blatant nastiness???

This is a bit upsetting to me for some reason - I'm kinda like wondering why she is so angry all the time enough to be just blatantly rude? I have not met many people who are like this to be truthful - it's weird. I take it fairly personally and then have to force it to slide off my back cos its just so unfounded.. it is possible I need to work on being a lil less sensitive.. I know she is like this to other work people's sometimes (actually just the admin/paperwork team - she is psychologist herself). And that's also the thing - she's a **psychologist**.. isn't the idea to be able to treat people for their problems and be at least polite to people in general considering you're supposed to 'care' about them??

Anyways.. I am sorry for the rant..

Does anyone have any strategies they use in these sorts of situations? ubbidea I don't really want to go whinging to my boss cos it feels very primary school ("so and so rolled their eyes at me" - a bit pathetic ubbloco )

I don't want to be rude back obviously.. ! ubblol


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Flame Boy
Flame Boy

veteran
Location: Out
Member Since: 13th Jul 2004
Total posts: 1508
Posted:Give em' a censored slap!

AAARRRGGGHHH!!! My giant stick broke!!! In two!!! My stick broke in two!!! ubbcrying

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Catalyst
Catalyst

member
Location: Virginia
Member Since: 27th Nov 2003
Total posts: 103
Posted:People are asses....even ones that you think are cool will surpise you with the rudeness. I work with this lady who is really mean and hateful....and her husband is a minister....lol. She is even rude to our patients some times....I find it fun to be abnoxiously nice to her.....like over the top, with lots of eye contact.......that'll usually settle her down. She also has this thing where she's always hot (maybe because she's overweight....maybe menopause....who knows)....and jacks up the A/C even in the winter....I deal with that by changing the thermostat when she's not looking...so, when she thinks she's turning on the air, she really isn't doing anything...lol (it took me a while to figure that one out)
When all the nicities fail....find something that you can to piss them off without anyone knowing, and without you getting in trouble!!!
Does that sound spiteful? It's only said with the best intentions... bounce2


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ben-ja-men
ben-ja-men

just lost .... evil init
Location: Adelaide
Member Since: 12th Jun 2003
Total posts: 2474
Posted:if u say hi and she ignores you go up to her and say hi again if she still ignores you confront her and ask her politely why she didnt respond to when you said hello and be very direct and get her to tell u what her problem is, it maybe that her mind is elsewhere or it maybe that shes just a psycho cow but by confronting her u will solve ur problem.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous and talented? Who are you NOT to be?

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Stone
Stream Entrant
Location: Melbourne
Member Since: 13th Jun 2001
Total posts: 2830
Posted:Hi midnight cat,

Ive had a few problems with un-friendly people recently, and I have already added my comments to this thread:What makes you hate someone?

So a quick summary: Ive been at the receiving end of a lot of hate recently, and I could not understand why, and I was stressing. I suppose the first rule is not to blame yourself, the second is talk to friends/family, and three keep a diary. Talking to friends really helped me.

Some possible causes:

First, it could be caused by Bullying. Seriously, bullying and manipulation are more common than you think, and women often use cold shoulder tactics in bullying.

This is a great resource on Bullying from James Cook University. and it should have some good strategies for dealing with super-unfriendly work people. For me understanding what was going on was the important thing. Like I said - Dont Blame Yourself.

Second, it could be caused by a Psychiatric Disorder of which there are many. In my situation, the hate was caused by what they call a Partial Personality Disorders or Borderline Personality Disorder.

I hope this helps.


If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Thich Nhat Hanh

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Catalyst
Catalyst

member
Location: Virginia
Member Since: 27th Nov 2003
Total posts: 103
Posted:women often use cold shoulder tatctics in bullying????? That sounds like a ridiculously general and lame ass statement to me...as I am a woman, and go for much more direct approach.

Sounding a little judgemental, Stone....maybe this could be the root of some of your problems...... maybe you need a vacation.

Bullying sucks (as I am not sure that this is whats going on here)...and I have been the brunt of many a joke....because I dressed funny....or liked different things...but you have to be true to yourself...and the answers will eventually come. If it is really bothering you that bad....either write down how you feel, or tell this person, so you can clear matters up. In the work environment, you should be as comfotable as you can...

maybe she doesn't like you because your cool....and you rock...maybe she's jealous cuz you can spin better that her......don't worry too much about it


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Stone
Stream Entrant
Location: Melbourne
Member Since: 13th Jun 2001
Total posts: 2830
Posted:Ok Catalyst, do you always shoot first, and read the links later?

While it may sound like a ridiculously general and lame ass statement to you, because you are obviously a woman that goes for the direct approach, but many women dont. Now I never said that it was Bullying for sure, and I think that the name Bullying undervalues the situation, because many of associate bullying with school. I posted because I have had some difficult problems recently, and I thought I would share what I knew, because this stuff is more serious than you and many others realise.

Female Bullying: From the James Cook University link above. Read it and weep.

We hear so much of women as victims and the disadvantages women encounter in employment, that it sometimes comes as a surprise to realise that women are equally as capable of bullying behaviour as men.

Women are supposed to be co-operative rather than competitive, more inclined towards empathy, and less towards seeking dominance. Women are often portrayed as caring more than men about personal experience and feelings.

It may be true that women are less inclined to indulge in vocalised rages - public swearing and shouting - and in physical violence, though I am sure that all of us could think of exceptions. Research indicates, however, that women are inclined towards:
The cold shoulder.
Refusing to communicate with the perceived offender.
Sulking.
Passive aggressive behaviour - which respects neither the perpetrator nor the recipient.

Such behaviour is evidence of women's socialisation: often we do not know how to elicit positive attention, or to assert ourselves so that our views and rights are recognised and respected. So we use inappropriate and ineffectual means to attract attention any way we can. We have been conditioned very early that girls do not shout and scream. No one is surprised, however, if girls go quiet or even sulk.

Ok, take it of leave it

tongue


If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Thich Nhat Hanh

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teejay_blue
teejay_blue

mikes bitch
Location: manchester/northampton/where t...
Member Since: 21st Oct 2004
Total posts: 387
Posted:lol!

i think it sounds like this girl may be a bit jealous of u in some way,

u sed she ignored u wen u waved at her n her boyfriend n that he waved first? maybe she sees u as a threat? i dont know the situation obviously but it sounds like shes got the problem not u so dont worry ur head luvvie.

also wot ben-ja-men sed - thats the way i deal with that kinda situation! wen sum one ignores me i will repeat myself n not give them the satifaction, in fact it makes them feel stupid, n they will think twice about doin it again.


Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music - angela monet.

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Parafinfairy
Parafinfairy

old hand
Location: Adelaide
Member Since: 5th Sep 2003
Total posts: 845
Posted:I agree with teejay_blue - it sounds to me like jealousy for some reason.

Slicing the Loaf as we speak.

I need it..... Trust me!

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- cat -
- cat -

member
Location: Perth
Member Since: 16th Nov 2003
Total posts: 48
Posted:Thanks guys... I guess I hate confrontation like a lot of people... and thus the idea of fulling putting it to her with the hello thing makes me feel a bit uncomfortable (although trust me, I understand that it might indeed end it in a sense cos I'm drawing attention to it). I don't know why I assumed she would be free of psychiatric disorders considering she is a psychologist herself... guess that's a bit presumptious!

Don't think I wanna 'play' dirty with chick Catalyst... but I understand being cheeky can also be effective sometimes! I actually have been being extra nice to her, I'm starting to make myself want to be physically ill with it though .. I guess we've all been in bad spaces before.

I have no idea why she would be jealous of me.. she doesn't know me at all??

Seems a bit ridiculous being jealous of someone just on face value alone!

Thanks so much for those links Stone...you're awesome! I'm off to read them more in depth now... it does really help bringing it out in the 'open' and vocalising it with my mates.. plus thank you for making me feel 'normal' cos its an automatic thing I guess to look at yourself and blame yourself sometimes.


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flid
flid

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Warwickshire
Member Since: 27th Aug 2002
Total posts: 3136
Posted:have you considered that she could just be super shy?

I've known people in the past who've acted like that, but not because they mean offence, they're just lost for words and don't know how to act when someone they don't know talks to them in a social capacity. You can't always get very far either, if they're happy with the amount of friends they have already they probably won't put in the effort to overcome it with you. Unless they are being purposely off with you, i wouldn't take it as an insult.


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teejay_blue
teejay_blue

mikes bitch
Location: manchester/northampton/where t...
Member Since: 21st Oct 2004
Total posts: 387
Posted:jealousy is strange and dangerous thing honey - instead of admiring and appreciating some else or their possesions, people hate and act vindictively

ppl can act like this on face value for any number of reasons -

she could want ur looks/confidence/dress sense/family life/spinning ability/happiness etc etc n like i sed before, if her bloke had mentioned u in passing or summit then she cud just c u as a threat.

do not take this personally luv, u said urself - she is basing this on face value n nothin else, dont let her win. u dont have to be mean to her or hate her back, in fact - make friends with this girl, she might be lonely or insecure!!

sorry for ranting... redface

good luck wotever the outcome xxx teejay xxx


Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music - angela monet.

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Stone
Stream Entrant
Location: Melbourne
Member Since: 13th Jun 2001
Total posts: 2830
Posted:Thanks midnight cat. Some of that stuff may seem a bit lame, but it does work. I think in the future Ill use Dealing with Difficult People as a euphemism for bullying.

Cheers and Good Luck

smile


If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Thich Nhat Hanh

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Bretch
Bretch

enthusiast
Location: Cork, Ireland at present
Member Since: 19th Nov 2004
Total posts: 247
Posted:I'd say grab the bull by the horns!!!! The more effort you put in to being nice, the harder it will be for her to be nasty... and if that don't work... censored it, it ain't worth worrying 'cos she's a censored

I used to be indecisive, but I'm not so sure now.....

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