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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:I know I have posted alot today, but this one I need help/advice on. I'm torn between a life I had, and the one I am liveing now. Ok I have been with my wife for a few years now (don't worry about spacifics here) and while I am verry happy with her. No real problems, well no more than most married couples I'd assume, and life is generaly good. Now I experianced something recently that reminded me of who I was, and that life suited me just fine as well, the life of a wanderer. Granted it's not the most stable life, but I was truely happy searching for "god" and so forth. Now comes the problem. That life that I left behind was such a huge part of who I am now, and it seems like I had to give it up for my wife. (no she did force me to, I did it my self) Now I'm wondering not if I made the wrong choice, but if I made it too soon......did I give up who I am inside for love? My wife is a verry understanding person, verry loveing, but she just does not get what I do, on a spiritual aspect; and i don't think she would understand that I have to go wonder around an empty feild, grave yard, etc. to gather my energy and get centered. Hell I'm not sure she grasps the consept of "energy", but I love her.......I feel like I'm being pulled apart inside, and could use some advice. Thank for reading yet another personal rant of F>F

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

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gita
gita

.:*distracted by shiny things*:.
Location: brizvegas
Member Since: 13th Oct 2003
Total posts: 3776
Posted:hmm...sounds like a tough one! how old are you fryed? if you don't mind me asking of course! was just wondering...maybe you're at a midlife crisis stage?! wink *kidding*

seriously though...do you feel like you have to make a choice or something? maybe you should talk to your wife about this stuff. i mean, if she's as loving and understanding as you say she is, she should understand that you're a bit mixed up at the moment - or already sensed it if you haven't said anything. maybe you two should take a holiday together...perhaps somewhere spiritually significant to you, so she can help you find who you are now, not who you used to be. or maybe you should go away by yourself for like a week or something, to figure it out for yourself?

i hope this helps in some way! hug but it is ultimately up to you, and you have to do what is right for you, and your wife...or at least consider her in your decisions! hug


do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good to eat!

if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished!

smile! grin it confuses people!

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...{SAFE}...
...{SAFE}...

"if i jump in the fire, will you?"
Location: USA, wishing I was in SA
Member Since: 1st Jul 2004
Total posts: 633
Posted:Written by: Fryed Fish

My wife is a verry understanding person, verry loveing, but she just does not get what I do, on a spiritual aspect; and i don't think she would understand that I have to go wonder around an empty feild, grave yard, etc. to gather my energy and get centered.

but I love her.......



you said it all yourself F>F (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

i say book yourselves into a lodge up in the blueridge mountains(just and idea_insert destination here_) and show her what energy realy is ! take the time to have her experience the things that you have come to love. if you feel you can say all these things about her , because you have so much love for her , then i think that she is more than willing to reciprecate that love .

*comments from a married man wink *


i like breaking the Law frown , of Gravity wink !

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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:well I'm 24.......so if going threw a mid-life now, I'm gonna die REAL young ubblol as for talking, I don't know. She seems like she would do what ever just to humor me, but not realy try to understnad why. The biggest differance between us is that she is materialistic, and I'm not. I've given up everything before, just becaue I no longer wanted it. That she would never understand...

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

Delete

gita
gita

.:*distracted by shiny things*:.
Location: brizvegas
Member Since: 13th Oct 2003
Total posts: 3776
Posted:wow...24?! you're a year older than me and you're married?! eek sorry...didn't mean to sound completely shocked...i personally don't plan on getting married for a while yet! but that's just me!! (and i'm single, so i can say crap like that!! ubblol )

but it (your age) does explain the questioning of your decisions! a lot of my friends (& me too!) seem to have gone through a lot of changes & reflection in the year or so. maybe it's a gen x thing? ubblol *kidding*

i agree with safe though...i think your wife needs to see what you believe in and what you've given up for her. if nothing else, she might appreciate you a little more! i don't know your wife though...

hug2 hug


do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good to eat!

if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished!

smile! grin it confuses people!

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Zim
Zim

Former Raver Invader... Not sure what i am now...
Location: Southern California, USA
Member Since: 28th Sep 2004
Total posts: 284
Posted:Fryed consider yourself awesome/lucky for being able to understand energy and being able to center yourself and all that.... but you can't expect other people to understand it... and.. it feels impossible to TEACH someone that kind of thing, you just kinda have to have it. I know how you feel but not to such a strong degree as a wife. it has a great deal to do with how one's mind works. All the advice i can give is tell her you don't expect her to understand but you need to do it... hopefully one day she'll be able to discover what it is within herself...

just my humble opinion,
plz don't stab me if you don't like it <3

PS: you haven't PM'd me in awhile fryed, how ya been?


Clean for 6 months and counting... ah yeah, that's nice.

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gita
gita

.:*distracted by shiny things*:.
Location: brizvegas
Member Since: 13th Oct 2003
Total posts: 3776
Posted:hmm...yeah ditto on the 'please don't stab me if you don't like it' thing!! eek



ubblol


do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good to eat!

if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished!

smile! grin it confuses people!

Delete

Wild Child
Wild Child

Star Trekker
Location: Cheshire
Member Since: 2nd Sep 2004
Total posts: 1733
Posted:I don't envy you this one - love is such an indefinable, elusive, morphing thing and you tend to get what you need at the time. Could it be her materialistic approach was what you needed to get you back into a more stable life than you'd been in your wandering days? And now you're feeling it's gone abit overswing and you've lost sight of an essential part of you?

What's required is balance - and that's pretty damn difficult to find. Safe's right, showing her what you're all about and why is important and if she loves you she'll want to understand and she's probalby already worried about how you're feeling, feels rejected, confused - this at least gives her something to work on.

Just to flip it abit - do you understand what she gets from her material approach? It's rarely just greed (and you don't seem the type who would love someone like that anyway) so try and find out what buzz/satisfaction she gets from it - is it cos she likes beautiful things around her, or functional things to bring order to her life, or is she insecure and needs to 'keep up with the Jones'? If you do that, maybe you can relate it to how you feel about energy and spirituality - they're all needs

HAve a hug or 3 anyway - there's always good vibes in those
hug hug hug hug


'The last rays of crimson on the spindle tree as the cerise fruit splits and reveals its orange seeds in a gloriously clashing colour scheme no-one would ever dare to wear'
Euonymous Europeus

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vanize
vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas
Member Since: 21st Aug 2001
Total posts: 3899
Posted:FF - tough one. I've never found a solution to your problem. The only thing I can really say is that even if she did understand better, spiritualism is such a personal thing that you are always going to be alone in your own version of it, even if you have someone by your side who shares a similar version of it.



24 is a rough age to be married. That is the age I got divorced at actually (after 3.5 years of marrage). I believe the early mid-twenties is the age people really begin to become themselves. In some ways you are lucky to have someone with you in it - because she will be part of who you find in yourself if you let her be. But then you may also decide she is not...



In the end, communication is the key, and so is the realization that you may not understand what each other are saying as well as you think you might, which means don't assume anything and always ask for clarification. This is an easy thing to say, but much harder to do of course. lord knows I've never mastered it! changing the habits of how you relate to each other is hard once you have developed a pattern.



One last comment, which sort of refers back to the first. You are allowed to be your own person and to share a relationship with someone else who is also an individual. Expecting complete symbosis is unrealistic, and even the best of couples will occasionally not only feel isolated from their partner from time to time, but probably need a certain amount of space in that way anyhow. Looser bonds are often stronger than tighter ones.


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:ok my wife and i talked last night, and the only thing we came to was that at this point in life we want 2 completely different things. she wants to do the "american dream" thing and i want to travel and perform..........and after 2 emotional hours, we could not come to any kind of agreement or dessision........THIS SUCKS, normaly i can always see a 3rd objective view so that i can look at all sides, but this is so different that i can not do it.....AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sorry had to get that out

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

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nearly_all_gone
nearly_all_gone

Pooh-Bah
Location: Southampton
Member Since: 3rd Aug 2004
Total posts: 1626
Posted:hug not much more I can say. Hope things get worked out.

You just have to choose your main priority and keep it in mind. Not easy, I know.


What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

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NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:OK, don't hate me, don't beat me up... this is only my opinion.

If you're taking this to a firespinning site and asking for random stranger's opinions you're looking for a way out. If you're looking for a way out, it's already over.

The media is the message.

There's a quote I like and have posted here before...
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but looking outward together in the same direction." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Most of the flings I've had have been fun and silly gazing at someone.... but haven't been looking towards the same future. If you're not looking towards the same future that's telling.

**But whatever you do... take care of that kid first. There may be hurt feelings between you both either way and the kid deserves to witness none of it. smile ***


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:that quote is great, and i dont hate you, but asking perfect strangers for advice is not a way out, its a way to get objective opinions, except for grasshopp, burning brain, and mayhem, i dont know any of you personaly, there for your opinions on this subject are objective, not knowing me or my wife, you all can do what i cant for the first time in my life, and thats look from the outside were the view is a little more clear...........but still thats a great quote NYC

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

Delete

NYC
NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA
Member Since: 26th Aug 2001
Total posts: 9232
Posted:I guess I see it within myself. When looking for advice I often look to people who will give me the advice I really want.

If I want someone to say "go for it" I call one of my friends and ask him for advice. Cuz that's his style. If I'm looking for someone to say "slow down and think about it" I usually ask his wife who is a bit more level headed about her advice.

So when I call the house THINKING I don't know the answer to a scruples question, and ask to speak with the other spouse, I realize I already knew the answer to my question.

smile

I think if you look at your initial post, you'll find which way you are leaning.

S'all I was saying before.


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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Lillie Frog
Lillie Frog

not a stranger
Location: wales
Member Since: 31st May 2004
Total posts: 558
Posted:Hi Fried Fish.

Seems like you and your wife have a lot of difficult decision making to do.
I was wondering, as from what you have said you both seem to be very different people, what brought you both together in the first place? Marriage is a big step and there must have been something about her and her lifestyle that appealed to you, and vice versa, something about you and your life must have attracted her.

Perhaps if you can find these things again you can find a middle way, where you both compromise a bit, but both get most of what you want.

Even if you are travelling aroud performing surley you need somwhere to go back to, some base that can be called home. Why can't that place be the little house or the apartment or whatever it is that she wants.

I assume from what NYC said that you and she have a child, If you are 24 then your kid can't be very old. I can't speak for everyone, but it does seem to me that many women want materialistic things because it provides security for their kids. It would seem very hard to bring up a child while wandering around, owning nothing and never knowing where you will be in a weeks time. I know that some people can do that, but many can't.
It is even possible that she feels that she has given up what she wants to be a mother to your child, to provide it with the secure home she feels he/she needs.

I wish you well in making the decisions that you need to make, and I am sure, that if you love each other enough there will be a middle way where you both are happy.


Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:ok, we met at a club, and things just clicked, she has a child from a prior relationship, but for all intesive perpuses, she my daughter, what atracted her to me was my out going, wonderous personality, and for me it was her postive attitude, both of which are still in play, but bumbing heads.........as for haveing a "home base" style thingy, i dont think she likes the idea of me traeling at all, period, end of sentance.............<sigh>

you know i realy apriciate ALL the advice i am geting from you guys, so please keep it comeing, thank you all


You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

Delete

Lillie Frog
Lillie Frog

not a stranger
Location: wales
Member Since: 31st May 2004
Total posts: 558
Posted:Well, I don't know if I'd like my bloke going away all the time and leaving me at home.
For one thing although I trust him most of the time I don't knowwhat temptation might come his way if he was gone for ages.
Second, I'd be annoyed that he was going off having a good time without me.
I don't suppose she would go with you? It would be difficult with a kid in tow, but if it was not all the time, and you had a home to go back to it might be possible.

In the end you might have to choose between her and the lifestyle you want.
I know what it's like to feel trapped in a situation which seems to have no way out, sometimes it's a case of biting the bullet and taking your responsibilities, no matter how unhappy/unfulfilled you are, or walking away and feeling guilty about it.

You love her, so for you it's not just a matter of responsibilites but love too. If it came to it could you really just walk away?

And is your Mrs. happy with the life she is living now? Or does she feel unfulfilled too?

Perhaps it is not a choice between your life or hers, but a different thing altogether, something both of you want but neither of you have though of yet.
If you both walked away from what you have/want you could start something compleatly new, together.

There's three things I think are true.
First, it is better to regret the things you have done that the things you haven't.
Second, when it gets right down to it, life is pretty short and suddenly you look in the mirror and realise you are old.
Third, It's never a good idea to go back to somewhere you were before (either physically or emotionally) because either you or it has changed and it is never the same as it used to be.

Life's hard, what can I say?


Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:Written by: Lillie Frog

In the end you might have to choose between her and the lifestyle you want.
If it came to it could you really just walk away?




thats what im affraid of, with all i HAVE given up in the past with other relationships and other life choices, i just thought fate would be done putting me in situations like this........

if had to yes........i have walked away from more, but for different reasons, one thing that both me and my wife understnad is that we choose to be with each other, if i came to a breaking point, yes i could just walk away, it would hurt, and it hurts to say it, but i know i am strong enough to do it.......i just want to find a way to were i dont have to.......... ubbcrying


You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

Delete

Lillie Frog
Lillie Frog

not a stranger
Location: wales
Member Since: 31st May 2004
Total posts: 558
Posted:What about her? Did she give up anything to be with you?

I don't want to sound harsh, but you only seem to speak of what you have given up, what you would like and what you have lost. As if you being with her is you doing her a big favour, giving up everything for her.
Didn't she have dreams for her life that she gave up for you? Dosn't she have hopes for the future that being with you might be stopping?

How does she feel about all this?
Could she walk away?
Would she?

Really, please don't take offence, it's just that I always think of you as the bloke who was so worried and upset because she was going into hospital, who was so concerned for her.

When you marry someone you makeall these promises, better/worse, richer/poorer, sickness/health, forsaking all others, till death do you part.
Does no one believe in these promises any more?
Is no one willing to work at things?
I understand that some people have terrible marriages, with violent, abusive partners, and I am glad that these people can get divorced. But when two people love each other shouldn't they have some kind of loyalty to their marriage vows, and work at it, compromise, try and make it work.
Isn't that what marriage is all about?
Not running away when you can't have something you want.

I really expected you to say that ,no, you couldn't just walk away, that you had responsibilities, that you had love, that you would stay with her come what may.

Am I to old fashioned? Or overly romantic?
I don't know. People get married and make those promises, but it seems like they think the words don't count, or they just don't think about what they mean, o9r like the words 'till death do uspart' have been changed to 'until I can't be bothered' or 'until I find something/someone better'.

And I must say that I don't think it is strong to breakall those promises and walk away, I think it is strong to stay together and work it out.

Sorry, I really don't want to upset or insult you, and I do really know at least some of how it feels to be tied to something that you're not sure you want any more, or thats different to how you thought it would be.

I don't know, perhaps I am just old fashioned, out of touch.

Sorry, ignore me if you want.


Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

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The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:your not insulting or upseting me lillie.......as for what she gave up, not much that she has expressed, she rides hourses, and she gave the up for a little bit, but she's back doing it again, she has tryed her hand at 2 different schools, and 4 different carrers, all of which i have supported by staying home by myself and takeing care of the house.......im not bitching here just saying what has gone on...........the mos i can see that she has given up has been some shady ass friends that she never really hung out with any way, unless they wanted.needed something, but i havent given anything up for her either, everything i have given up has been in prior relationships and such, corry if that was unclear.............as for being shocked by my answers, sorry, but being with some one is something you choose to do, not have to do, when its a have to, it becomes a problem, i learned that the hard way..........and besides even if you are a hopeless romantic its not a bad thing wink

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

Delete

gita
gita

.:*distracted by shiny things*:.
Location: brizvegas
Member Since: 13th Oct 2003
Total posts: 3776
Posted:more hugs for fryed!!

hug hug2 hug hug2 hug hug2 hug hug2


do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good to eat!

if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished!

smile! grin it confuses people!

Delete

The Real Fryed Fish
God's illgitament son
Location: state of confusion
Member Since: 2nd Jun 2004
Total posts: 1489
Posted:T/Y gita........back at you hughughug

You can't avoid pain by fencing yourself from it.
Some times you need the help of others more than anything else
But you have to let them close enough to help......
People want to be needed, I found that out too

Delete

Lillie Frog
Lillie Frog

not a stranger
Location: wales
Member Since: 31st May 2004
Total posts: 558
Posted:I wasn't shocked, just surprised, it wasn't what I expected you to say. But then why should I expect you to say anything? I don't know you, or your wife, I'm just making assumptions from a few posts you made months ago.

I don't think people should stay together because they have to. I just think that people who love each other and who have gone to all the trouble of getting married should want to.

Anyhow, it's really none of my bussiness, and I really do hope that you can make your decision and be happy, whichever way you choose.

Though I think you have already decided.

Either way, I wish you well.


Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

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