Forums > Social Discussion > Advice for when someone you love passes on..?

Posted: 10th Oct 2004
I don't have any advice,
But here is a hug for you

And my best wishes.

Eat when you're hungry
Sleep where it's dry
No one is ever what they seem
Gabriel King - The Wild Road

Posted: 10th Oct 2004
Thank you.

What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

Posted: 10th Oct 2004
Well I lost my Mum on Aug 15. I have some very good friends that have helped us out (my dad, my brother and me) and I have a wonderful g/f. I have had a little trouble though, i cried a little at the funeral but otherwise i havent really felt the sting of tears. We interred her ashes today, and that was very hard for me because i felt nothing... I feel like a [censored] for that...

As for how ive been coping, I have been remembering the good times and apologising for the bad ones. Ive been happy that she brought me into the world (kicking and screaming, and out of her tummy, rather than her... you know...) and I have been happy that I had her, and now she's managed to shuffle off this mortal coil and go to a better place (i REALLY believe in an afterlife)...

I have suffered from depression for a long time now, and the techniques I have used before help now

The samaritans are good for a talk to, but they always have to ask that damn question... A priest or vicar whom you trust is a goodie too (even if you aint xtian)... and counselors for when it gets really tough... And it will...

The damndest thing is I have had to be the rock for my family, and i find it tough letting myself go. Im going to break one day and its going to hurt real bad, but Im ready...

Try this...

"Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land,
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I may turn to go yet turning to stay,
Remember me when no more day by day,
You tell me of our future that you planned,
Only remember me, you understand,
It will be late to counsel then or pray,
Yet if you should forget me for a while,
And afterwards remember, do not grieve,
For if the darkness and corruption leave,
A vestige of the thoughts I once had,
Better by far that you should forget and smile,
Than that you should remember be and be sad."

Christina Rosetti

ohmygodlaserbeamspewpewpew!

Posted: 10th Oct 2004
I have had a lot of loved ones pass on and I can tell u it is never easy.. The only thing u can do is be glad that they are in a better place and are no longer tied to this place..

Gives u ton of hugs though

Posted: 11th Oct 2004
It's never easy to say goodbye to someone you love, but the important thing is that you have to give yourself time to grieve. For some people the grieving begins immediately, for others it when the funeral takes place but for some people the grieving process might not start for months. If you haven't shed many tears, don't worry about it, you're just not ready yet.



Remember the good times and the happy memories, they are the things that everyone wants to be rememberd for - and when your heart decides it's ready to let the emotions out, then it'll happen. No point rushing it, and don't feel bad because someone else has cried buckets and you haven't.



*hugs*

"Abashed, the Devil stood and saw how awful Goodness is"

Posted: 11th Oct 2004
Cruse have years of experiance of helping people work through their grief. They are non-judgemental and very friendly.

Address

Cruse House
126 Sheen Road
Richmond
Surrey
TW9 1UR


Contact

Helpline tel:
0870 167 1677


They have branches all over the UK.

Feed me Chocolate!!! Feed me NOW!

Posted: 11th Oct 2004
Thanks everyone, those things help a lot, and the practical advice will be very useful, I'm sure. I'm familiar with that Rosetti poem, she's one of my favourites and that's one of my favourite poems so thank you for turning me towards it. I've also been through depression, been through therapy and medication and stuff and I feel like I'm on top of it so hopefully this won't take me back there. I just want to be rational about it, to rely upon my beliefs in life and the soul, but I can't believe he's gone and it just feels unreal to walk into a world where he isn't anymore.

I haven't cried so much yet, which does feel weird and I feel a little guilty for it, but I can understand that maybe I haven't started greiving yet. But thanks all for the words of support and stuff Death and life are the same thing in my eyes, as I've said here before, but that doesn't give much support when someone's love and personality is taken from your life forever.

The hardest thing is knowing he's the person I'd have turned to if this were anyone else.

Thanks everyone

What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

Posted: 14th Oct 2004
I definitely found that it took a long time before I cried over people who had gone. That blank "shouldn't I be feeling something deep right now?" feeling can make you feel like you're a really bad person - but really it's just a form of shock I suppose, your head keeping things at bay until you've got the energy to deal with it. If it all landed on you at once then, well, you'd grieve plenty, but your life would probably fall to bits while you did it.

> The hardest thing is knowing he's the person I'd have turned to if this were anyone else.

That's really rough I hope you find peace with all this soon.

"Talk hard"

Posted: 14th Oct 2004
sending hugs and lots of love and happy thoughts.

my friend killed himself not so long ago, i cant really give any advise because i havent really done the dealing with it thing properly, all i cant say is i know how much it hurts to lose someone and if you want to talk to anyone feel free to pm me.

L x

Posted: 14th Oct 2004
Thanks a lot. I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, I hope that your friend has found peace.

What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

Posted: 14th Oct 2004
ty.

Posted: 14th Oct 2004
Don't be ashamed to weep. Don't be ashamed if you don't feel like weeping. Everyone reacts differently and from personal experience you can react differently each time. Don't be afraid of the strength of your feelings and don't be surprised if it sometimes catches you unexpectedly.

Go swing poi as a celebration of the life lived, and as a meditation. It can be surprisingly effective.

If it all seems too much, don't think of the long journey through grief, take just one step at a time and it truly does brighten eventually. It doesn't feel like it at the time but time really does take the sharp edges off grief and you do eventually find that you can remember with pleasure, albeit somewhat bittersweet.

Hugs,

Pat in Somerset, England

Posted: 15th Oct 2004
My father died 11 years ago - this week.



It never stops hurting. but eventually it hurts a lot less often and a little less intensly.



In time you'll find that there is joy in the pain of sorrow too. Joy at having loved them and still loving them.



It is so hard at first though. Just remember that it is you and the others you know that loved that person that you are mourning for. It doesn't matter to the deceased any longer once they are gone.



What I said may not make sense right away, but eventually it will. But what it means is let yourself cry and let yourself do what you need to do, because you are the one that needs to heal. You don't need to prove anything to the deceased, all you need to do is fix the hole in your own heart and maybe help the others you know with the same problem in those moments you aren't overwhelmed.



When my father died, I thought I needed someone to tell me what a good man he was or listen to me say the same, but in the end, the only thing I really needed was someone to hold me and let me cry. I wish my girlfriend of the time had understood this instead of taking the easy way out and just bailing on me. Count yourself lucky that you can say, in the aftermath, that you have a wonderful girlfriend.



A close friend of mine lost her mother a couple years ago. when she came to visit, she was just saying the same things over and over again. So I put a finger over her mouth, pulled her into a big hug, and she proceeded to cry for more than 2 hours. I did what I wished someone would have done for me, or what I wished I had been brave enough to ask another for.



A few months later she wrote me an email (I had moved to a different continent by then) and said that those two hours were the best therapy she had had.



I told her to remember that when someone else needs it.



And I am asking you all to do that as well. When someone losses someone close to them, they don't need your understanding (you'll never truely understand from their point of view anyway) or your really even your sympathy (though it is nice to know that others are thinking of you). What they need is your silent emotional strength - someone they can anchor to for a little while and purge some of the the waters that they feel are sinking them. Someone they can look at and know that things won't always feel so unbalanced. Someone whose presence can silently say to them that (as shakespear put it) "time and the hour run through the roughest day"

-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

Posted: 16th Oct 2004
^ = nice. Thank you.

What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

Posted: 18th Oct 2004
Remember the good times, make sure you treat every moment with someone you love as a precious one.
Always tell people that you love them.
I wish someone would have just let me cry like Vanize said.
I still haven't had that, and i think i need it, but i only cry in front of people i know will be fine with it.
This xmas is a hard one as my nan was told her cancer was terminal last year and she passed in may.

Only when the last tree has died
and the last river has been poisoned
and the last fish has been caught
will we realise that we
cannot eat money.

Cree Indian, 1909

Posted: 18th Oct 2004
So having lost my father, my grandfather, my grandmother, and a few friends to various causes, here's my advice:

There is no advice. There is nothing that anyone can do or say that will significantly ease the pain. All we can do is to say that we're here and that if you need a shoulder to cry on...please feel free to use mine (and the rest of the people who have posted here, if I may presume).

Do what feels right to you. Take time out to cry when you need, and never feel guilty if you don't feel as sad as you think you should.

A wound, when left long enough, will heal. The scar will always last. There is no salve that will bring total disappearance of the scar, and the persistence of those scars is important as the scars hold our memories.

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura

Posted: 19th Oct 2004
I was reading through your thread replies, thinking of what to say that might help... But Lightning hit the nail on the head...
Everyone is different, it's difficult to help someone go through what you're going through - you just need to get the people around you to help you by just being there, and you in return for them when they need it.
I'm not really religious, so I personally find it hard dealing with the 'why them??' factor when I lose someone. I graduated high school in 1999 and 13 of my graduating class, one mate from college and two family members have passed away - it's been a hectic five years for my friends and I honestly think that the only thing that kept them sane through it all was each other.
Sounds corny, but the people you can rely on in life are often the ones who will save the day for you....
Anywayz, here's a hug for you too....
It doesnt seem like it, but it does start to hurt less - it doesnt often make much more sense in your head, but the hurt gets easier to deal with...
Chin up tiger......
Rach

We all take different paths in life, but no matter which path we take, we take a little of each other everywhere...

Posted: 20th Oct 2004
Once more, just want to say thanks for all the lovely things people have said. Your advice has helped me get my head around this a lot, so thanks for that. The funeral is very near and I've written something to be put in the coffin. Writing it was really hard but I think in a way it made me face the bad things and make something beautiful of them. Which is obviously a good thing.

Thanks a lot everyone and ii all round

What a wonderful miracle if only we could look through each other's eyes for an instant.
Thoreau

Posted: 11th Jul 2007
You'll never get over someone you love passing away, you just learn to cope, and live life without them. Its really all you can do. I tried therapy and it didnt help in the least.
You can call me crazy, but I've sat and talked to people I've lost. It looks like you're talking to yourself, but who cares? I find that helped me a lot, that and writing letters to them, them burning them.

[color:red]You light up my life like a dead candle, and the dying flame has become your funeral pyre![/color]

Posted: 11th Jul 2007
Advice:

1) Don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel or how you should express your mourning. You are your own person, your own soul, and your own mind.

2) Never regret any action you take during these times.

3) Make no big life decisions while grieving. Wait until you can give these decisions some more sober reflection.

Other than that...

-Mike

Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella



A buckuht n a hooze! -Valura

Posted: 11th Jul 2007
What Doc said

the best smiles are the ones you lead to

Posted: 29th Jul 2007
I agree with a lot of what's already been said & have sum strong beliefs about an afterlife, which can help; my mum passed on from cancer in 2003, just after my 21st, for me sum poetry can put a nice spin on it.



Transformations



Portion of this yew

is a man my grandsire knew,

bosomed here at it's foot:

this branch may be his wife,

a ruddy human life

now turned to a green shoot.



these grasses must be made

of her who often prayed,

last century for repose;

and the fair girl long ago

whom I often tried to know

may be entering this rose.



so they are not underground,

but as nerves and veins abound

in the growths of upper air,

and they feel the sun and rain,

and the energy again

that made them what they were!



Thomas Hardy



cya

Trying to play the Akashic records,
but my turntables not compatible.

Posted: 30th Jul 2007
"Rekindling Sestina"

I sit down to watch the dieing flames
Turned to nothing more than cold embers
Lost to time and almost forgotten
And all I see within the heat
Are distant and dwindling memories,
Silent thoughts that begin to stir

As the ashes began to stir
Like a dark cloud on the falling flames
It was futile to hold memories
Fading away in darkened embers
And in the disappearing Heat
All was close to being forgotten

As all hope had been forgotten
The coals began to relight and stir
Bringing back a bewildering Heat
And with it came an array of flames,
Tendrils rising from ancient embers
Old thoughts to spark new memories

I dwell among these new memories
The older long since been forgotten
Though they all came from the same embers
And again my soul began to stir
To watch the wild display of flames,
To feel the emotion within the heat

I wonder why I cling to the heat
If I never gain new memories
To always dwell on the same old flames;
I had needlessly forgotten
The feelings that begin to stir
When I breathe life into old embers

I let the fire die down to embers,
Let the air dissipate the heat
While shivers from the cold start to stir
And I knew that soon the memories
Would fade away and be forgotten
With the slowly disappearing flames

I begin to stir the cold embers
To spark the flames and regain heat
Of new memories to be forgotten

-Xjere original

Who wants to see a monkey on fire?