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fNi
GOLD Member since Mar 2004

fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York

Total posts: 3354
Posted:I hate to bring this up but it has to be done. How do you deal with someone you lose, particularly someone close. I recently went to my uncle's cousin's unveiling, which for those of you that don't know, consits of a veil covering either the head or footstone which is removed after a prayer, at least in Judaism. Now, i barely held i together at that ceremony, which was last sunday, and for a woman who, though i had met, i couldn't remember clearly. Today my father told me that not only was my grandfather's unveiling in two sundays time, but that they didn't want a rabbi and he asked me to try and learn the yiskor prayer (said for the departed by the family). It was hard enough to goto the funeral, during which time i saw my grandmother break down and i was crushed, both by her and the weight of the events...we were close. The unveiling is typically approximately a year after the death, and i'm not quite sure how to cope, being as how i never quite got over the event in the first place.
All help is appreciated

thanx
fN

wave

PS Life is short...you never know when you'll be taken...My grandfather, god rest, was healthy, robust, and a strong individual, when he became ill and died shortly thereafter in his sleep. Although he lived a full life, you never know what's in store. I where his lucky charm, a golden chai (means life), everyday. He sent it to me for my eighteenth birthday...He got sick and died within two months.


kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

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Bird
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Bird

now available in "advanced"
Location: Cornwall

Total posts: 6086
Posted:The best advice I can give is to concentrate on his life rather than his death (its a tough one, I know). I found this was the easiest way to deal with things when I lost a close friend when he was 17!!

It doesn't make the pain go away, but it helps to focus you and put the situation into perspective!

Best of luck.

hug hug


My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

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Medusa
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...

Total posts: 1433
Posted:When my grandfather died late last year from mesothiloma I thought I would be the biggest mess at his memorial service.

I was nervous the whole time up to the memorial service and thought that the moment I walked in the door I was going to need to shove my head into a box of tissues.

But when I got there and saw the rest of my family (especially my father btw it was his dad who died) and how they were all greiving and holding onto the memory of the great man that my grandfather had been in his life I knew that there was no way I was going to let my emotions go in front of everyone.

During the course of the memorial I saw my father get so drunk off his face (which I have NEVER seen before) and held him in my arms while he cried (my father has never hugged me EVER and he has definintely never cried in front of me)...

I held it together that day because I had the responsibility to make sure that my family was going to be okay...they expected me to be okay, make the speech on behalf of my family about my grandfather and comfort people....and that's what I did...despite the fact that all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that despite the fact that you feel like you might not be able to do it...you will...it will be hard bu trust in yourself to get through it...


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Rouge Dragon
BRONZE Member since Jul 2003

Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction

Total posts: 13215
Posted:my best adivce is dont do what i do and did.
so that means do cry whenever you feel like it and dont be ashamed to. and talk to anyone you need to talk to. dont listen to anyone who says "oh its been x-amount-of-time, get over it" and take as much time as you need because these things cannot be forced.

hug


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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meep
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

....
Location: Midlands - nr cov

Total posts: 344
Posted:fN..

I can sympathise.. My grandfather died two years ago, and my grandmother asked me to do the reading at the funeral. I didn't think i would be able to, but i tried very hard to keep my mind calm, and not to think before hand, and i was able to get up and say my piece without breaking down.

Concentrate on his life, and how it was good. Concentrate on the good things and how (if this is part of your beliefs) you will see him again, and it's only a matter of time.

And good luck *smiles*


"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

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SpitFire
GOLD Member since Dec 2002

Mand's Girl....and The Not So Shy One
Location: Calgary, Alberta Canada

Total posts: 2723
Posted:Breath, fireNice. Just Breath.

Such a simple thought, but one we forget to do in times of crisis or times of pain.

I had to remember to breath a LOT last year.

I lost my Grandfather a year ago this August. His was the first funeral I'd ever been to...which is saying something given my age.

I wanted to be strong for my Mom, but I found she was strong for not only me, but my dad, too. It was my mom's step father, my step grandfather, but I'd known him all my life.

You remember them, and cherish their life as best you can....and you don't forget to breath.

Not sure if this helps.

hug hug


Solitude sometimes speaks to you, and you should listen.

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:When my father died a bit over a year ago, I was crushed...for a few hours.

But that very afternoon, when I returned to my home in Ann Arbor to clean my room (which had been left to fester and suppurate while I was studying for Boards), I suddenly felt a presence behind me.

I turned around, and my Third Eye saw him standing there, in full living color, clear as day, wearing his Navy uniform, aged early-20's, young, strong, healthy, and grinning at me.

His ear-to-ear smile spoke volumes. It spoke of immense pride in me, of a new perspective on the trivialities of mortals, of a soul liberated from a sickened body, of love so deep it transcends death itself, and...gratitude. Gratitude to me for having pulled the plug on his life support and and having let him pass through to the other side.

I hugged his spirit, although there was no physical presence to hug, and told him "thank you." And then he faded and was gone. He never returned again. But when he left, my tears had changed...they were tears of joy.

I have never mourned for my father since the day he died. I miss him, I remember him, I wish I could call him and tell him about all the things I've done and seen since he died, but he knows.

He's free; I don't have to worry about him anymore. He's no longer suffering. I no longer have to leave my cell phone on all the time waiting for...and dreading...the phone call. I couldn't be happier for him.

And that is how I handle death.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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roarfire
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

roarfire

comfortably numb
Location: The countryside

Total posts: 2676
Posted:Wow, lightning... That is amazing.

I haven't ever lost someone close to me, apart from my dog, she was golden retriever. I still get images of her when she wasn't sick, when she was running and happily and when she was a pup. Although I cry, I'm smiling because I remember the happy times and try to block out the negative.

I honestly can't say how I'd deal with the loss of someone close to me. I've been welcomed to go to funerals of an uncle, and a family friends mother. But I always seem to run away from it, because I don't want to face it. I don't mean it to sound selfish.

My tendancy is to run away from the pain as much as possible.

I'm pretty weak like that...


.All things are beautiful if we take the time to look.

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griffin


griffin

feminine tiddly pom
Location: cambs england

Total posts: 505
Posted:just another way of dealing
a few weeks back i went to the memorial service of my dad's best friend. i had met him a few times, but i'd always thought him a bit harsh and blunt. but when i got there, literally after two minutes into the speeckes my mascara was on my chin. i still dont know why i got so upset, it was just such a beautiful moment-filled with all these fond memories. i saw my dad cry too, for the first time.
but i guess you do have to linger on all the good that person brought, and talk about it, and yes breath
and lightning you're really special and lucky to have experienced that.
sunny


in state of metamorphosis

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Madam Flame
BRONZE Member since Mar 2017

Madam Flame

Satisfying HOPs Lust For Fire
Location: Salem, Oregon

Total posts: 308
Posted:Just reading these posts brings tears to my eyes, both of heart felt empathy & joy for those gone on to something better. I've lost at least one friend or relative, sometimes up to three, in a single year since I was 14(I'm almost 29 now). Deaths do to suicide, murder, accidents, illness, & old age with some being as young as 15yrs old to 86 at time of passing. I've been forced to learn to deal with death or go crazy myself. It's never easy, it hurts like hell, & you never stop thinking about them or missing them. Don't force yourself to try forgetting, this will only lead to more pain...memories are priceless. Don't try to stop from hurting or getting angry about it either. Recognize those feelings as being valid and accept them. Ignorring them will only prolong your grief process in which you will experience a range of emotions, some which might not make sense at the time but whaqtever you feel is ok. They're your feelings & you'er allowed to have them. As for reading the yiskor prayer, do what you'll feel comfortable with but try not to restrict yourself from doing this if you want to, just because your emotions might show through. If you want to do it & it takes a half an hour to sob your way through it, do it & do it with no regrets. If you decide not to read, then make sure that's what you truly want to do because you can't go back & do it over if you regret saying no. Either way I'm sure you'll make the right decision for yourself, just listen to your heart & maybe you'll have an experience like lightning described. I've had them to & it usually happens when your mind is still & your heart open. ubbangel

Never settle for normal.devil
Average thinking brings average results.

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griffin


griffin

feminine tiddly pom
Location: cambs england

Total posts: 505
Posted:grouphug hug

in state of metamorphosis

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:I believe that it is at the times when we feel emotions most powerfully, whether joy or sadness, love, anger, or fear, that our hearts and minds open to the Other Side.

It is in those moments that our Third Eyes are open widest.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Lurch
BRONZE Member since Nov 2003

Lurch

old hand
Location: Oregon

Total posts: 929
Posted:I'm young, but I've seen my share of deaths..

I've been to more funerals than I can count.. That's not an exageration either, it's one of the downsides to having a large close family. My grandma was one of 19 childern, and that entire generation including inlaws is down to 3 now. I lost my best friend at 17, I lost two other friends at 19. That doesn't include friends of the family and other relations like cousins. When you go to 4 or 5 funerals in a single year sadly you get numbed by it and start to accept things faster and faster. But it never becomes easier, especially with someone close.

I lost my grandpa when I was in 3rd grade, I didn't know the things know now, and I didn't appreciate the things I had. I would give anything to have more time with him. But there are always little things to remind me of him. There are always small things that remind me they are still around and still watching. I've had him show up in my dreams through some of the hardest times in my life and remind me that things always work out how they are supposed to in the end.

Like you said, you never know what's in store in life. You can't hold onto things too closely and refuse to face the facts. That will just make things harder for you and everyone around you. Carrying that refusal to accept it strains everyone. The best way to remember him is to embody him in yourself. To take on parts of him in you and let his memory live on that way. It sounds weird.. And I'm probably not even making sense anymore...


#homeofpoi -- irc.newnet.net Come talk to us we're bored frown

Warning: Please Do Not Jump On The Seals

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native
SILVER Member since Jun 2004

native

sleeping with angels
Location: anaheim CA usa

Total posts: 508
Posted:my grandpa was the closest thing i ever had to a father.
he pretty much raised me.
and when he died it was the hardest thing i ever went though.
but it hurts like mad and there is no advise any one can give you that will realy help you you just have to keep on living.
you will never forget him and it will always hurt.
but you have to keep living my friend. i am sorry


SLEEP WITH ANGELS muckieha

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fNi
GOLD Member since Mar 2004

fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York

Total posts: 3354
Posted:thanks everyone..hug...ceremony went well enough, feel much better now that its over
grouphug


kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

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Mistress Aurora


Mistress Aurora

Hot Schtuff
Location: Stillwater,OK/Wichita Falls,TX

Total posts: 1032
Posted:hug Hope you feel better

Reading all these reply's are also bringing tears to my eyes. I lost one of friends just this past June. My friends and I remember him by listening to songs we all used to listen to while cruising around and singing.

I know he is still around me whenever I really miss him. Is it just me or do other people notice that when somebody you love dies that everything in life tends to remind you of them? I noticed after Chris's death that there were ALOT of new songs out that sang about living life to it's fullest and to cherish each and every day as if it were your last.

grouphug



RISK: Do not follow the common path; Go where there is no path and leave a trail.

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majik


enthusiast
Location: Byron Bay Australia

Total posts: 231
Posted:It is so beautiful to be able to remember the people who have been lost to us and it is OK to be sad but it is also OK to be happy for the time we had with them.
I myself have also lost many of my loved ones. In the past year I have lost my Auntie, my Granddad and my 18month old nephew. It will never get easier but sometimes these events can make us realise how much the people around us care, even those who are strangers. I call this Thoughtful Caring and the power of it never ceases to amaze me.

grouphug grouphuggrouphug

ubblove


Live, love, laugh and dance!

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yannicus
GOLD Member since Jul 2003

yannicus

member
Location: Paris, France, the armpit of e...

Total posts: 169
Posted:Death... is no more than the cessation of life, and immortality is nothing more simple than the living presence of a memory in one mind or more.

People try to forget the lost ones, but i wouldn't want to be forgotten, and i i would hate to think that the thought of me, even an absent me, brings tears to the eyes of those who cared.


-Believing that all has been said and done is like mistaking the horizon for the limits of the world. Voltaire.
-Plus je connais hommes, plus j'aime mon chien. Pascal.

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PyroWill
GOLD Member since Aug 2004

PyroWill

HoP's Barman. Trapped aged 6 months
Location: Staines

Total posts: 4437
Posted:like peter pan i have to say that death si the enxt great adventure, dont think of it as the end to life, just think of it as the beginning of a new life, a new life different from your own, its like being born gain but in a different world, dont be afraid of it,sure you miss him, but imagine the fun hes having smile take care

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind

Give a man a fish and he'll eat 4 a day hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish and his wife

"Will's to pretty for prison" - Simian

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bpftilldeath


bpftilldeath

newbie
Location: Hams, New Zealand

Total posts: 10
Posted:When my mother died I was about 16. I had to write all this stuff about her for the lil handouts that we gave out, y'know saying how great she was and stuff. I mean, it was hard enough dealing with the fact, but then my dad asked me to read all the stuff that I had written out to about 150 people. Of course I broke down, and a family friend came and finished it off.
And well put Pyro. Its just another step that we all have to one day take.
Dont cry because they are gone, smile because they were here.
*cheap tacky line, but makes a whole bunch of sense*


...I scream without a sound...

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fNi
GOLD Member since Mar 2004

fNi

master of disaster
Location: New York

Total posts: 3354
Posted:yay everyone's favorite topic frown

so now my (other) grandmother's not doing well, but she's putting up quite a fight. 2x already the doctors have not given her to last the week, but she's a trooper, and proved them wrong. Its quite hard to know what the right decision is, because at times she's coherent, alert, like she was for a few hours today, which is the best to date since she returned to the hospital around or just over 3 weeks ago, and other times she just wants to sleep no matter what, and doesn't recognize people, etc.

*wonders what the right thing to do is*


kyrian: I've felt your finger connect with me many times
lou kitten: sneaky little meatball..
ezz: please corrupt me more

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Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh

Total posts: 4145
Posted:It's the way some people go. The right thing to do is give her your love while you still can and let her go when she is ready hug

I've only had the chance to meet 1 of my 4 grandparents, and when she died I was too young to understand it properly. Be grateful for the time you still have with her, I wish I could go back to spend more time with my grandmother when she was sick...


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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FireTom


Stargazer


Total posts: 6650
Posted:hug the death of a man is less his problem than of the ones he leaves behind...

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I have not much senseful to say, but

In the end all that matters is how much we have lived, how much we have loved and how much we have learned to let go.

I wish you strength and someone who holds you dearly in times of trouble...


the best smiles are the ones you lead to wink

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Birgit
BRONZE Member since Jan 2005

Birgit

had her carpal tunnel surgery already thanks v much
Location: Edinburgh

Total posts: 4145
Posted:Just a little thing for my uncle... he died last week, and I couldn't go to his funeral (it being in a different country and flights being absolutely not affordable at my budget if booked only a few days in advance).

He'd been infected with hepatitis B and C being a Russian PoW after WW2. Nevermind that, he lived for 60 years after that, until he finally died of liver cancer. A few years ago, he had 3 strokes, and survived those, too. He was more of a fighter than he realised... he couldn't hear well for at least the last 20 years (which is about how much I remember) but refused to wear a hearing aid, and he hung up the phone whenever it was me who answered instead of my mum cause he couldn't understand the "I'll get her".

I'm happy he lived so long and happily, even through his sickness, and that in the end he didn't have to suffer too long. I'm only feeling very guilty that I couldn't make it to his funeral - not that I think he would've been angry if he'd known, and pragmatically it doesn't matter anyways... ah well, I thought I'd give him a little salute here smile


"vices are like genitals - most are ugly to behold, and yet we find that our own are dear to us."
(G.W. Dahlquist)

Owner of Dragosani's left half

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BurningByron


member
Location: Australia

Total posts: 340
Posted:I got back two weeks ago from spending time in Thai orphanages for 3 weeks, and before that I spent a number of weeks watching neurosurgeons cut stuff out of brains. Sometimes people died, sometimes I couldnt help the thought that some of these children were better off dead...
Lots of strange feelings and intense emotions came up...
The way you deal with it, is realise that every emotion you experience is not permanent, then simply experience it until the next feeling/emotion/thought arrives. Its as simple as that and it is one of the beautifuls parts of being human!!!


HOW TO FLY 101:
step 1. Throw your self at the ground.
step 2. Miss.

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