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stranger


Total posts: 9
Posted:OK as my name suggests I am one of your number. I normally post here under a different screen name. I felt more comfortable posting this without anyone knowing who I am.

Right I've been feeling very confused lately and I kind of know why, but I dont know what to do about it. Ill tell you a storey:

Just over a month ago, I was out one Friday night and I found myself getting very friendly with a girl who I had talked to once before in passing but never really knew. Well we kissed and exchanged phone numbers and stuff, and I thought things were looking up. We met up a few times quite soon after that night, and got on really well with each other. But since I'm shy and she's shy, we never really talked about us as being together.
Once I asked her if we were together and she said shed like to be but it was awkward at the moment because of something to do with her ex boyfriend, I kind of accepted this and we went on meeting up and having good times. But then recently I've just been thinking about her a lot, I can't really think about anything else Its bad, this started last Friday, when we met at a club and stuff, and then she had to leave, and I dunno, probably because I wasnt 100% myself at that point I came to bad conclusions about this. But anyway I phoned her after I left the club that night and basically said that I think I liked her a lot and I just wanted to know what she thought, she said again that she really liked me. And then on Monday we talked again, and this mysterious something to do with her ex boyfriend came up in conversation. I tried to get her to explain what it was all about, but I dont know she was just very reluctant to tell me so I didnt push the point to far. I dont think this can be good. She wants to keep on seeing me, we saw each other again yesterday and it was cool.

Just before I went away this weekend I got an email from here saying, could I please phone her when I get back.

I just really dont know what I can do I want to make her mine, if that makes sense at all partly I just wanted to post this here because I thought writing it all down would help clear my mind. But also this community has some very sensible people in it, so all of your opinions would probably be helpful.


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Bird
GOLD Member since Aug 2003

Bird

now available in "advanced"
Location: Cornwall, United Kingdom

Total posts: 6086
Posted:I would love to be able to help out, but I am well known for being complete rubbish with the opposite sex, so I'll keep my gob shut for this one.

I will, however, say good luck, and I hope things work out well for you!

hug


My state of mind is not yours to define!

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

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MiG
GOLD Member since Apr 2004

MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG, Australia

Total posts: 3415
Posted:well, in that situation, i'd probably wait it out, see where the wind takes me. but im that kind of guy, and i've lost out before because of it.

a couple of ideas. good, bad or indifferent, i dont know.
try just waiting it out, see what she tells you.
try asking your friends/her friends about it
very, very, subtly go about asking questions
or, do the complete opposite, and front up, demanding an answer
demand an answer, playing the emotional card (i cant keep going on, not knowing whats happening, it tears me apart inside)

other than that, i really dont know


"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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Gelfling
BRONZE Member since Jul 2004

Gelfling

Watcher of 80s cartoons
Location: Chepstow & Bristol, United Kin...

Total posts: 665
Posted:It sounds like the lass in question has some insecurities. I'd therefore advice against the confrontation option. Just reassure her that you care a lot and that you are willing to wait it out and most importantly let her know that in whatever capacity you'll be there for her, whenever she may need you. Say how you feel and how you'd like to know what's happening but do so in a "when your ready sort of a way". Don't put the pressure on but be honest at the same time - hey youre a juggler, try this balancing act. Don't ask behind her back as should she find out it'll go wrong. And finally get your mind and heart clear before you ask her about hers.

Best of luck


>What do you think about the state of the Earth?
>I'm optimistic.
>So why do you look so sad?
>I'm not sure that my optimism is justified.

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TuTuMan
BRONZE Member since Jul 2004

TuTuMan

Mushroom Fueled Frenzy
Location: Philadelphia, PA, USA

Total posts: 139
Posted:take it slow.. she is obviously still having aftermath from her past relationship. I know how that is.. if she was with you right now It wouldnt work out because she is still (partly) attatched to him as it sounds. This isnt a bad thing necessarily.. It just takes time. Continue with what you are doing. Keep friendly, dont push things too far. Ask her out for coffe or something, keep it casual

::::does a little monkey man dance::::
You'll understand when you see his dancing feet

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Spanner
BRONZE Member since Feb 2003

Spanner

remembers when it was all fields round here
Location: in the works... somewhere..., ...

Total posts: 2790
Posted:I can only think of a few possibilities:

a) she initiated the split from her ex and is trying to soften the blow for his sake?

b) he is giving her a hard time about the split and she doesn't want him to involve you in whatever problem(s) he has?

c) she had a bad experience in that relationship and is either "recovering", or afraid of the same happening?

I can see why you wouldn't want to push the point too far, but despite saying she'd like to be with you, she's not being specific about why she can't. To be blunt, whatever it is, that's not fair on you - her ex-boyfriend should have no bearing on your new relationship.

But only you can make the decision on whether to wait or to move on. I hope she's able to give you a straight answer soon, if that's what you want.

It's good that you've asked us anonymously. I'd like to think I wouldn't be biased either way if a member I knew asked us, but this way I know I wouldn't be and I'm not even going to try guessing.

Hope this helps smile


"I thought you are man, but
you are nice woman.

yay,

:R"

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Lyra
SILVER Member since Feb 2004

spiny norman
Location: Cincinnati,damn it, USA

Total posts: 314
Posted:MiG, i would have to dissagre with you on the talk to your/her friends about it

this counts as going behind her back and is never really a good idea

unless you feel it would offed her, drive her off, then i would definately talk to her about it, be careful though, as it is obviously a uncomfortable issue for her

just tell her you really like her and would love to be with her, but that you cant see that happening with this issue standing between you, tell her youll try to help her through it no matter what it is

best of luck and much luv>>


if you think that our kiss was all in the lips, come on you got it all wrong man, and if you think that our dance was all in the hips then, oh well, do the twist -The White Stripes

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MiG
GOLD Member since Apr 2004

MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG, Australia

Total posts: 3415
Posted:yeah, its probably not the best idea. that would, in fact, explain a few things in my life. *sigh*

"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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Lyra
SILVER Member since Feb 2004

spiny norman
Location: Cincinnati,damn it, USA

Total posts: 314
Posted:hugs for MiG: hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug

and for one of your number: hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug

and for eveyone else: hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug

apologies for my huggyness, but ive just had some good food


if you think that our kiss was all in the lips, come on you got it all wrong man, and if you think that our dance was all in the hips then, oh well, do the twist -The White Stripes

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MiG
GOLD Member since Apr 2004

MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG, Australia

Total posts: 3415
Posted:hmm. i just had a thought. would it be worthwhile making a thread where people can post a problem on something anonymously? hmm, i spose that would have problems, though. any thoughts?



Thanks Lyra ubbrollsmile


"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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native
SILVER Member since Jun 2004

native

sleeping with angels
Location: anaheim CA usa

Total posts: 508
Posted:ok here is the best anscer


RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!! RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK.
WHEN SOME ONE YOU CARE FOR DONST CARE ENUF FOR YOU TO TELL YOU WHATS GOING ON. JUST F@%$@#* RUN!!!!!!


SLEEP WITH ANGELS muckieha

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duballstar
SILVER Member since Sep 2003

duballstar

slack rating - 9.5
Location: Suburbiton, Yoo-Kay, United Ki...

Total posts: 2216
Posted:erm.first of all can i just say... member 9989?!?! eek jeeesus that's a lot of people!!!!

now i've got that out my system... i think that what tutu, spanner and lyra have said is good advice. native here also has a point to some extent although he could have worded it better. i don't advise you to run at all but it is probably a good idea if you take it easy and look after yourself. from personal experience i've been very badly hurt by a very similar situation because i fell in love with someone at a bad time for both of us. in fact it still hurts and i very much hope that this doesn't happen to you so just play it cool. it's most likey that she just needs time, breakups always do especially when friends are involved etc... if these things are meant to happen theyeventually will so there's no point rushing them. lastly, if things fall through it's no fault of yours... wink

good luck with it + in the meantime have a hug on me hug


It is our fantasies that make us real. Without our fantasies we're just a blank monkey' - Terry Pratchett

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OrangeBobo
SILVER Member since Nov 2003

OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada

Total posts: 1389
Posted:Written by: Spanner


c) she had a bad experience in that relationship and is either "recovering", or afraid of the same happening?





As Cat Stevens put it:

I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
and she's taking almost all that I've got
but if you want, I'll try to love again
baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest, baby I know
The first cut is the deepest

Like everyone else has been saying: take it slow, and make her know that you're there if she needs you, and call her back, and let her talk if she needs to. Don't push for anything, if what is said above seems to be the case. Good luck smile

*runs away to listen to Cat Stevens more, as if Bobo hasn't listened to enough of him lately*

~ Bobo


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

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Valura
SILVER Member since Apr 2002

Valura

Mumma Hen
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 6391
Posted:Written by:
ok here is the best anscer


RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!! RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK.
WHEN SOME ONE YOU CARE FOR DONST CARE ENUF FOR YOU TO TELL YOU WHATS GOING ON. JUST F@%$@#* RUN!!!!!!




I dont agree with that at all.
there are so many reasons why she may be choosing not to go into it right now... too many to speculate but my advise would be very similar to Gelflings, take it easy. She may have been burnt and would like to get to know you on a deeper level before she lets her skeletons dance their way out of her closet.
let her know that you are an accepting person, that you care for her deeply and it is in your best interests to wait for her to feel comfertable in showing her feelings and discussing her past.
Ackonwledge that you are someone who will not judge her and that you will be willing to talk about anything that she needs to at any time...
let her bring it to you, do not under any circumstances push her or she may clam up even more or tell you where to go in no uncertian terms.
It takes time to trust and time to give your heart completely and I know that she will see your empathic stance and choose to confide in you. Remember that this may be painful for her for whatever reason...
other than that good luck and have faith in your self, because she wouldnt be hanging out with you if you weren't a beautiful person... hug


TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

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Rouge Dragon
BRONZE Member since Jul 2003

Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction, Aus...

Total posts: 13215
Posted:as someone who as (ashamedly) been that girl, my advice is to be patient. let her know that you're there for support. see what happens and take it as it comes.

thats all the advice i can give for now because dinner beckons, however if you want some elaborations, feel free to PM me

goodluck with it! hug


i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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Gelfling
BRONZE Member since Jul 2004

Gelfling

Watcher of 80s cartoons
Location: Chepstow & Bristol, United Kin...

Total posts: 665
Posted:Have given this matter some more thought and luckily for me others have beat me to it (saves some typing on my part).

Only other thing I would add is when them skeletons do their dancing just listen. Relationships often fail due to lack of communication. Listen to what this lass has to say without taking offence. When she gets round to being straight with you it'll be awkward - things will come out wrong, muddled up etc. They are not in themselves a reflection of you - the reflection is due to her being able to trust you enough to tell you all the stuff in her head. Be objectional, not judgmental and offer your opinions when they are requested.


>What do you think about the state of the Earth?
>I'm optimistic.
>So why do you look so sad?
>I'm not sure that my optimism is justified.

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Pink...?
BRONZE Member since Apr 2002

Pink...?

Mistress of Pink...Multicoloured
Location: Over There, United Kingdom

Total posts: 6140
Posted:I would ask her if she want's to talk about her ex boyfriend troubles? Say you can lend a shoulder if she needs to talk?

That way she see's you care about her and also you get to know what the problem is!


Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

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vanize
SILVER Member since Aug 2001

vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas, USA

Total posts: 3899
Posted:ok, I'm guessing you and the female in question are pretty young - at least by my standards (me being 34).

This situation is completely resolvable, most likely to your advantage, in one very straitforward way, but it is going to be a litle scary given your shyness. You may have to pretnd you are acting.

Women generally find nothing more attractive in a man than self confidence (not to be confused with arrogance, which only a few are partial to).

Look, let's add things up:
1) she's been hanging out with you a lot.
2) she has indicated that she is interested but that there is some hangup.

So then, what this adds up to is she definitely wants you to step forward and take charge of the situation. I don't mean go try to solve all her problems for her, but rather that you should forget all the bull$%^& and just commit to being interested in and pursuing her seriously.

Ever seen the movie "office space"? There is a scene where the main character asks out a girl he's been drooling over for months. he just goes up to her without a line and says "do you want to have lunch with me". when she is hesitant, he doesn't lose his cool or change tack, he just says "I'm going to be at such and such a place in a little bit, I'd really like it if you join me, but if not, that is cool too". It is that sort of attitude that will resolve this situation - cool, unassuming, but confident, truthful, and no pussy-footing around. Women don't see much of this and it catches their attention.

More than likely this thing with the ex is just overblown drama. Unless it is something like she is pregnant, has an STD, or just had an abortion, then it is almost certainly of no consequence to you and she'll forget about it soon enough once she sees you are a real option and that the ex-boyfriend really should stay an ex.

carpe diem!


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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NYC


NYC

NYC
Location: NYC, NY, USA

Total posts: 9232
Posted:OK... you need to somehow get her this message.

"I'm interested in you. I like you quite a bit. I want there to be more of a relationship." (but in nicer words)

But the question is how... and what about the ex.

I'm a huge fan of email.

I'd also say something like... "I know there are some issues with your ex so please let me know when they are resolved." (but in nicer words again)

If you do ride in and save the day with the ex, you will get the girl. Just be careful that the relationship doesn't degrade into a friendship because you're being a 'nice guy'. Be sure to scoop on ample amounts of flirting whenever possible.

Since you're both shy, the internet is most certainly the answer. Trust me. wink

In short, the answer in relationships is ALWAYS the same...

Communicate.


Well, shall we go?
Yes, let's go.
[They do not move.]

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Lyra
SILVER Member since Feb 2004

spiny norman
Location: Cincinnati,damn it, USA

Total posts: 314
Posted:NYC i have to say i definately dont agree

this is obviously a serious issue and i just dont think the internet is a good idea

everyone i know would perfer communication in person, over the phone, or through a letter

this is a personal and intimate issue and should be delt with in a personal way

but thats just my opinion and it all comes down to what the girl herself would be more comfortable with>good luck

by the way MiG i like that idea


if you think that our kiss was all in the lips, come on you got it all wrong man, and if you think that our dance was all in the hips then, oh well, do the twist -The White Stripes

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Twirly


Twirly

Shoryuken!
Location: Hexham, Newcastle, England

Total posts: 233
Posted:Instead of an anonymous forum, how about the "one of your number" account being made available to anyone who wishes to use it? Just give it an easy password like apple and let everyone know about it.

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duballstar
SILVER Member since Sep 2003

duballstar

slack rating - 9.5
Location: Suburbiton, Yoo-Kay, United Ki...

Total posts: 2216
Posted:that's a pretty good idea man! and lyra's right, face to face is always better...

It is our fantasies that make us real. Without our fantasies we're just a blank monkey' - Terry Pratchett

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polythene


veteran
Location: London/ Surrey

Total posts: 1359
Posted:problem with that is someone else could log in to a thread they didn't start, and cause all kinds of mischief for the poor person originally using it to ask for help.

The optimist claims that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
The pessimist fears this is true.

Always make time to play in the snow.

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stranger


Total posts: 9
Posted:ok thanks for all the advice, i think im just going to let things happen, and try and talk to her alot.

it makes me sad that the only wa i may be able to do that is with lots of wires inbetween, but its easier that way...

and if the one of your number account was for everyone, then threred be no knowing if i was the same person as last time...


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native
SILVER Member since Jun 2004

native

sleeping with angels
Location: anaheim CA usa

Total posts: 508
Posted:NO RUN DAMIT RUN!!!!!!!!
i am a big man and have no fear of fisical pain but nothing scares me worse than the scorn of a woman


SLEEP WITH ANGELS muckieha

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Mele
SILVER Member since Oct 2003

Mele

A perth girl gone walkabout...
Location: Back home in Perth WA, Austral...

Total posts: 396
Posted:Written by: one of your number


and if the one of your number account was for everyone, then threred be no knowing if i was the same person as last time...



If you posted the log in details, anyone could use it.... altho would that work? Nice idea anyway.

And good luck with everything hug


I smile because i have no idea whats going on!! biggrin

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Rouge Dragon
BRONZE Member since Jul 2003

Rouge Dragon

Insert Champagne Here
Location: without class distinction, Aus...

Total posts: 13215
Posted:you are a wise man indeed! and you think like me...which is a really bad thing!

i would have changed ***** to phallus, and claire to petey Petey

Rougie: but that's what I'm doing here
Arnwyn: what letting me adjust myself in your room?..don't you dare quote that on HoP...

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stranger


Total posts: 9
Posted:OK. So the storey goes on. And I'd like some more advice.

Basically since I first wrote my post, initially I waited and then eventually we got together a few weeks ago for a few days and spent about 4 days with each other, not by ourselves. I even met the ex boyfriend who she was hung up about, and he's a very nice bloke. (I also learned the reason why he dumped her, it was because she got together with me when we first met, I felt pretty bad about that and I've since learned she dose that kind of thing a lot, because she drinks too much ) The problems began one Sunday night when we were both drunk, I wanted to be with her I think and she was running around flirting with everyone in sight So I went and spoke to her and basically said I had to know what was going on, I got very upset with her. And convinced myself that I was never going to be with her because she was too good for me, I was convinced she didnt want me, and she did nothing to reassure me that she did. So basically she had been messing with me. I wrote her a letter saying how much I had enjoyed being with her and how upset I was that I had decided to give up on her. I haven't seen her since, today has been the first time I've been able to check my emails since then, and I have an email from her that says this:

Hey. I don't really know what to say about what happened at XXXXX. i
didn't mean it to go that way. I didn't mean to hurt you.
But when we were together and not drunk or anything it seemed like you
didn't really want anything to happen, like you didn't want me at all. Your
letter hit the point exactly...i am a complete bitch... which would be
another one of the reasons why i 'stalled' or whatever, like one of the
reasons, other than ex-boyfriend, why i was thinking maybe we shouldn't get
together....I know this is what drink does to me but its the only way i have
of having any confidence what so ever so i don't know what to do.
I don't understand all your talk about me being too good for you...I was the
bitch...I screwed things up...Its the other way round, you're far too good
for me, you deserve someone whose gonna treat you how you deserve to be
treated.
So, ill get your cd's back to you asap, and i really am very sorry for doing
all this bollocks and being generally a [censored] person...im sorry. I hope this
email sounds how its supposed to, and even remotely makes sense....doubt
it.. well, hope you had a nice time in XXXX, goodbye, sorry... XXXX

I've XXXXX out the bits that 'matter'.

Much as I've been trying to forget and get over her for the last two weeks I'm not really being able to. I think I am ready to forgive her, but I dont want to go through all of the heartache again is it worth a shot? In my mind I'm thinking no, ill just believe what she says and try and find a better girl, but I haven't been able to do that but I hate to give up if I have a chance.


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fluffy napalm fairy


fluffy napalm fairy

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Brum / Dorset / Fairy Land

Total posts: 3638
Posted:If you want someone with lots of issues, lots of problems and lots of confusion then sure, go for it, but it doesn't look promising.

Everyone needs help to get back on track at some point. I could be very wrong but i don't think that this girl is ready to be helped yet. In my opinion, even if you put in hours and hours of help and support, this one's going to turn outto be more heartache than you are prepared for and it will be negative for you in the long run..

Obviously I don't know the people involved so i'm sorry if this sounds harsh- it's just my advice. Tke it or leave it - I'm happy both ways as long as you are. let us know how it goes.


Geologists do it in the dirt................ spank

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Mistress Aurora


Mistress Aurora

Hot Schtuff
Location: Stillwater,OK/Wichita Falls,TX

Total posts: 1032
Posted:I agree with FNF



I think she isn't ready to be helped either. I don't think it would be good for you to get involved with her again because it will only cause further heartache for you and yall would end up not working out in the end. Good luck in whatever you choose though hug



RISK: Do not follow the common path; Go where there is no path and leave a trail.

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meep
SILVER Member since Jul 2004

....
Location: Midlands - nr cov, United King...

Total posts: 344
Posted:I gotta agree with FNF and Aurora. She sounds like she has a LOT of self-blame going on, but not a lot of self-responsibility.

I'd say that until she was ready not to drink BECAUSE she knows what it does (or just to moderate the drinking and do an assertiveness course), that you're likely to get your heart broken because the cycle has a high potential to repeat.

Maybe you could try explaining that to her, and see if she's prepared to stop drinking? If she *is*, then see if shes prepared to stick to that. If she does...

Lots of "if"s, i know. sorry....

Lynne

That's not to say don't be friends, but to be that close sounds dangeous to me.


"But what would you do with a brain if you had one?"

Dorothy Gale

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