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thor


thor

Flaming Lesbian
Location: Portland, Oregon

Total posts: 181
Posted:how can you live your life if you have fear in your heart? i say you can only survive it.

my parents won't let me wear my kilt, which I've spent the past week straight sewing, on my cross country trek monday. they're afraid of some redneck trucker thinking i'm gay and killing me.

it's a kilt. a kilt is not a dress, a kilt is a skirt. but that dosen't make it a female garment. that's like saying any female you see wearing pants must be a lesbian.

my biggest beef isn't the fact that i ruined my kilt in a fit of rage at their ignorance (****ed myself good there), nor is it that i won't have it to wear cross country, it's that they honestly are afraid of something happeneing to me, of which i cannot find any factual record of ever having occured.

their fear is baseless and without merit. If it happened to someone every day, I would be very leery of wearing a kilt, but it dosen't.

my mom has a more dangerous job simply by being a nurse, a profession which loses more people in a week to (sometimes deadly) infectious disease than the kilt wearing community has lost in the last 10 years.

what am i supposed to do? frown


Lights dancing off my skin as chains wrap round it.
Pain is in a little box and I'm so glad I found it.

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Eera
BRONZE Member since May 2003

old hand
Location: In a test pit, Mackay

Total posts: 1107
Posted:How old are you?

Much as parents can suck at times if you're living under their roof as their responsability you have to respect their attitudes. It's why God invented the "Can I do it, Huh? Huh?" torture to wear them down.

If you're old enough to be legally considered an adult then you have the right to do as you please, but the trade-off is that your parents then have the right to sling you out on your ear.

Why not wear your kilt around the house and yard, getting your olds accoustomed to the fact that they can see your legs and -gasp- the world is still turning. They'll come round eventually.


There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.

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thor


thor

Flaming Lesbian
Location: Portland, Oregon

Total posts: 181
Posted:heh. i'm 20 years old, and the reason i'm driving across this god forsaken land is so i can move to panama city florida, far far away from them ;]

i have 4 days before i leave, not enough time to remake the kilt (at least not with the sewing machine making that odd squeaking sound), and that's not the real problem. the real problem is that they fear things for no justifyable reason.

it's like in bowling for columbine, sure bad things happen in canada, but canadians don't rule their lives by fearing them.


Lights dancing off my skin as chains wrap round it.
Pain is in a little box and I'm so glad I found it.

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OrangeBobo
SILVER Member since Nov 2003

OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada

Total posts: 1389
Posted:I sooo know what you mean. This morning, my parents wouldn't let me go to a function by the local LGBT youth project, because they think I'm going to get picked up, or raped, or something. They pulled me out of taking a shower to tell me I couldn't go hang out with my friends (yes, as in people I know). There's other reasons that they won't let me go, reasons that I know that they didn't say, but that's another story.

It's hard in this situation, because you try to do things on your own, and it constantly feels like your parents are constantly holding you back. I mean, how can you gain indipendance, and life skills if you can't go out and expierience the world with them not letting you? You really wonder how you're every going to learn... *sigh*

But I trust and love my parents, as annoying as they are, and I must abide by their rules, because I am their daughter, and I live in their house, and unlike your situation, my parents are... well, legally bound to take care of me. And when my parents say no, even if I know their reason is justified or not, I have to do as they ask.

I'm such a good daughter ubbangel

~ Bobo


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:When I was 19, almost 20, I came home from college for the summer and my father put a curfew on me (of midnight). Well, I went to a friend's house and intentionally came back at 1:00.

My father went through the roof. "This isn't San Francisco, you know! It's not safe around here!"

"No, Dad. This is certainly not San Francisco. This is Bloomfield Hills, MI. This is one of the safest communities in the world. Not a d*mned thing is going to happen to me driving around 1:00 in the morning here. I'd be in much more danger wandering around San Francisco at this hour.

"Now, what are you going to do, ground me? Take away my car? Throw your Stanford student son out of the home? I have a job, you know. It even pays well. I can rent an apartment for the rest of the summer if I need to.

"Face it, Dad. I'm a grown-up now."

It took him a few days to realize that I was right, but we got along much better after that. Sometimes, parents need a shake-up, and sometimes kids need a shake-up.

I also remember when I came out to my parents, my mother asked me to go to my old psychiatrist that I'd had as a kid. I told her I'd agree to go as long as she could state for me the goals of therapy. She couldn't. I went to him, anyways, because my mom paid for the visit and I hadn't seen him in 15 years and I wanted to say hi. But it was just for one visit.

It generally takes this: you have to be standing on your own two feet as an adult, and then you have to assert yourself when your parents try to take your adulthood away from you.

"Mother, I have operated on little children. I think I can handle more than half a glass of soda!" ubblol

What's really ironic is that when I put on my white coat and tie, people my mother's age actually listen to me.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Pele
BRONZE Member since Dec 2000

Pele

the henna lady
Location: WNY, USA

Total posts: 6193
Posted:I agree with Mike. My parents did the same thing, when I was 19 and returning home they put a curfew on me. I was only visiting for a short time, so I chose to not stay with them anymore after that.
Even the past couple of years they have done things, like decide my career was not what they wanted and called CPS on me. They have yelled at me as if I was 15 again, and I fought back..but instead of yelling and destroying things in a rage I told them very simply they were not healthy for me and that if they could not find it in their hearts to be supportive of my happiness, then perhaps they would be better off not in my life. I pointed out that I have made it on my own for years, and that I truly did not need their form of "support" as it was more harmful than helpful.

They calmed down. I didn't hear from them for two months and they have been nothing but delightful since. PWB comment on it every time we are around them too, because it is still strange but..
I agree that sometimes it takes a level headed and very assertive push back (note *not agressive* and not screaming and yelling. Rational thought goes a long way in battling irrational thought).

Good Luck!
Pele


Pele
Higher, higher burning fire...making music like a choir
"Oooh look! A pub!" -exclaimed after recovering from a stupid fall
"And for the decadence of art, nothing beats a roaring fire." -TMK

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Doc Lightning
GOLD Member since May 2001

Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA

Total posts: 13920
Posted:I agree with Pele. Nothing sets parents straight on an issue like calmly bringing up the option of dismissing them from your life entirely.

My mother kept nagging me about various things I had to do, so I just stopped telling her about things I was working on. Then I'd tell her when it was all over. She started asking "Why didn't you tell me you were doing that?" I'd respond with "because if I had told you, you would have done nothing but nag me about getting it taken care of and, frankly, that wastes my time rather than allowing me to do what I need to do."

It was half successful. She's nagging me about residency applications right now. I haven't really told her about them, but she knows they're coming up. So I laid it out to her: "You will never broach the subject of residency applications with me unless I bring it up first." Next time she did, I simply said, "Mother I asked you not to talk about that." She persisted, so I said "good bye" and hung up the phone.

Some parents really have issues with the loss of control that comes with having their children leave the nest. The death of my father didn't help matters. I cut her extra slack at first, but it's been almost a year now and I've carried on my life; she needs to, as well.


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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PsychoTronic


stranger
Location: Greece-Samos-Athens

Total posts: 80
Posted:mommies and daddies have their reasons.The kids have their reasons too.When I was 10 I already knew that the good relationship with parents is succeeded only with good dialogues.
If someone can have good conversations then he -she can make the world turn upside down.I cannot make very good conversations but when it comes to talking to mom I am the gratest.I speak calmly and I talk like I know everything about the world.(like gandalf:p)I have learned her way of thinking so I can easly persuade her about many things.That is how I can have good relationship and I will not leave the nest for that kind of reasons!


"For once there was an unknown land, full of strange flowers and subtle perfumes,
a land of which it is joy of all joys to dream, a land where all things are perfect and poisonous."
"Put out the torches! Hide the moon! Hide the stars!"



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Pink...?
BRONZE Member since Apr 2002

Pink...?

Mistress of Pink...Multicoloured
Location: Over There

Total posts: 6140
Posted:Ever since my parents split up they have been so much more relaxed. They seem to be letting me live my life and learn from my mistakes... which i sometimes wish they would guide me a bit more - I have made quite a few mistakes which i wish they didn't allow me to do. But i feel happier that i have learnt in my own way and not just been told to do something.

I remember my sister getting hell from my mum and dad before she moved out. But i dont have any problems. Ok my mum can be annoying and ring me up alot. But that's just because she's lonely.

I think it helps being a younger sibling in ways, my parents have learnt from my older sister.


Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

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_Aime_
SILVER Member since Jan 2004

_Aime_

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Hastings

Total posts: 4172
Posted:urgh i wish i was the youngest. my mums always telling lulu to 'learn from aimee's mistakes' But my mummy is a strange being she is. Some things she fly's off the handle about and other times she surprisling calm.
For example just now we we were in B&Q looking at garden furni for our new house, i go 'oh im just going to get some kero' expecting her to say 'NO! you in your bloody fantasy world of fire blah blah blah' only she said 'oh don't worry i'll get that for you' this is comming from the same person who can't look at me directly spinning fire, once looked at 5 seconds of fotage of me and refused to look at anymore!
Your 20. Your an adult. You can do what you like! (not that you should go around doing whatever your heart pleases - its a just a point. forward it to them)


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telic


I don't want a title.


Total posts: 940
Posted:I have the same problem Lightning does, with my mother nagging me to get things done which have nothing at all to do with her. So I don't tell her about my deadlines, my assignments, anything, anymore.

I am living at home again until I graduate law school (one year left!), after having lived away for four years of undergrad college. My parents didn't even try for giving me a curfew, but we do get into arguments when I come home late, sometimes.

My current favorite counter-argument is to point to one time when I was walking home from the train late at night, way past midnight, because I had been at school doing work until late. I'm 5'2", female, and weighted down by a huge heavy knapsack. Walking towards me was a group of young black males is archetypal TV gang member attire. They saw me, looked at me... and then crossed the street to get away from me.

My real favorite argument: I believe in the concept of acceptable risk. Better to die and risk than live in a box. As Tennyson wrote, As tho to breathe were life! Life piled on life were not enough.


E pluribus unum, baby.

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Lyra
SILVER Member since Feb 2004

spiny norman
Location: Cincinnati,damn it

Total posts: 314
Posted:im sorry the kilt is unrepairble, but ive got a question, dont take this the wrong way, i just want to know, but why exactly does it mean so much to you to wear your kilt on this trip? do you have scottish heritage?

its not fair at all that in american society its totslly okay for women to wear pants, but its gay and unacceptable for men to wear a skirt or kilt, ugh, sometimes i really hate this country,

as for your parents, the argument over the kilt is a mute point by now, but you need to talk to them about the more general problem, you need to get them to realize that they cant control you anymore now, so that you can live happily and independently away from them, but also realize this is probaly a realyy tough time for them, good luck> cool


if you think that our kiss was all in the lips, come on you got it all wrong man, and if you think that our dance was all in the hips then, oh well, do the twist -The White Stripes

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Onion
GOLD Member since May 2004

Onion

member
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Total posts: 30
Posted:wow, makes me realise my parents are kind of cool... how strange...
Ive been lucky enough to have my own independance for as long since I've ever realised what independance was. probably about 5 years and im 18 now. Well, of course, i didnt really try to be too adventurous when i was 10 years old... there's only so many things you can do at that age... and now things that you can no longer do... frown sigh...

my parents respect my judgement, and they've never tried to stop me from doing something or going someplace. They love and care for me, and of course they'd offer a word of caution, sure, but never prohibit anything.

I hope your cross-country trip works out ok, thor, and i hope the move works is good too. Love your parents, but dont let them rule you! It's a battle! you have to win! biggrin


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Dirty Marmite Spider


Dirty Marmite Spider

Climbing up my leg
Location: England

Total posts: 141
Posted:My mum's my best friend. All the things she's ever told me to do/not do was for my own good and I wish i'd listened a bit more.

Although parents can be difficult and not listen. Or have views which differ from yours, mostly they love you and want you to be safe. There are some cases I've heard which involve parents behaving unacceptably, but when I think of all the fights I had with my mum when I was at home and she was only trying to take care of me, I cringe.

But, I do think I've been very lucky with my mum and we really get on well. It could be that I don't know what it's like to have opressive parents. Like Pink....? I wish she'd been more proitective sometimes, I think I got away with too much. ubbangel


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griffin


griffin

feminine tiddly pom
Location: cambs england

Total posts: 505
Posted:my parents split up 8 years ago, and my dad was with this bitch of a women for years
Well they splitabout 18 months ago, and he got v depressed. only then did he seem to realise how much me and my brother meant to him-he's been really relaxed an laid back with us since (planning massive party at his cottage in middle of forest-yey!!) but its pathetic that he had to hav a really bad time to realise the good stuff he already had, but i suppose thats true about everything and everyone...
funny tho because he met this women last september-two weeks later, and over a text message while she was in kenya, he proposed to her. they're getting married on their first meeting anniversy 1 year later...
but he's still cool with us; the thing is i have a half brother in london dad nxt to never sees and i reckon we'll just end up being like that-last time we went 4/5 weeks without seeing him (btw im 16, so its not all bad being away from father but its not good either) he now lives 180 miles away to live with his fiancee-choose her over us thingy again
thats jst dad-my mum's only with her partner, well fiancee but they'll never get married, because of my and brother; better schools in cambridge then in newmarket, right? better for the children, right? it doesnt matter that she hates it, right? just as long as we're happy
[censored] everythings just a load of bollocks
but they both love me and i cant really complain, food, roof, education, gratitude


in state of metamorphosis

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Burzaruka


enthusiast


Total posts: 233
Posted:Well.... is it a real kilt? Or is it a plad skirt? A real kilt being almost like a toga. I have done several cross country trips, unless you put yourself in a position that may get a "redneck trucker"'s attention then you really dont have anything to worry about.

Don't stop a truck stops hehe, it may seem simple and quite stupid, it will actually be a bit better. I take it you are traveling SE through Nevada, OK, New Mexico, Texas and on across the Mississippi. Stop at small gas stations, Allsups and 7/11s.

Also, think about your comfort, real kilts are wool, do you really want to be going regimental, free balling... etc, while sitting on a piece of wool for many hours on end. Cali to Fla, is like a 2 1/2 to 3 day trip.

I am sure it seems as if your folks are being a bit over reactive, but I can understand their worry, it is a bit... odd. Then again so is spinning big balls of fire around your head, so hey plan you route well, keep your head up and have your fun.

I think it would be better to go with a more mondaine clothing, but hey its your legs not mine tongue

Remember in the words of the wise from the SCA, if you're not regimental, its just a skirt! tongue

Ohh and if it is a real kilt, can ya tell me how you made it and what not, I wouldnt mind having mom take a look at it and see if she can whip one up for my garb. It is kind of wierd to play a Scot with no kilt... hehehehhehe


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Mele
SILVER Member since Oct 2003

Mele

A perth girl gone walkabout...
Location: Back home in Perth WA

Total posts: 396
Posted:My parents try the less direct route - talking me out of things - Saying i'm too weak, for delicate whatever to stop me from doing things - Making me think that i'm pulling out of things because i can't do it, not because they indirectly told me too.

Ie, martial arts or joining the airforce - You're too delicate for that, you'd die doing something like that, you don't have the temperment....And it worked, Cause its your parents you tend to belive it afterawhile - I've recently been trying to break thru years of conditioning and realising i'm more than i thought, i'm tougher, braver and i can take chances rather than live in a sugarcoated safe world that my parents wish for me. I need to live my life, and not the one they have lived.
After mum talked me out of packing up and travelling to europe several times, i realised what she was doing, and have since told her "That i don't want to look back years from now, and resent her for talking me out of something i really wish to do" That was the end of her pushing me, and am now headed off into the scarey unknown in 2 months. Granted, mum is now flying to london too to check up on me after i'll have been there a month(kinda sweet, kinda annoying - i'm 26 years old) but its the last i've heard of her trying to talk me out of it. And mum has learnt to deal with most things by telling me "Don't tell me these things, I don't wish to know, I sleep better at nights when i don't know what you get up to" rolleyes


I smile because i have no idea whats going on!! biggrin

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Lyra
SILVER Member since Feb 2004

spiny norman
Location: Cincinnati,damn it

Total posts: 314
Posted:good for you Mela,

ts important to live your own life, despite what others think, i hate it when parents try to fix their mistakes, or live their lives through their children, its so selfish


if you think that our kiss was all in the lips, come on you got it all wrong man, and if you think that our dance was all in the hips then, oh well, do the twist -The White Stripes

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MiG
GOLD Member since Apr 2004

MiG

Self-Flagellation Expert
Location: Bogged at CG

Total posts: 3415
Posted:so many times i've hated my father, and so many times has he said 'you'll hate me for this now, but come some time down the track, you will thank me for it', and beleive it or not, its coming true. Anyways, my olds have always been fairly cool with whatever i did, as long as i told them about it, and it wasnt drug related. Sure, they've sat down, and said 'look, this could go wrong, that could happen, you could be swuashed, or mashed or inhaled into a cat's left nostril, or whatever', but i cant remember where they have ever actually forbidden me to do anything. I guess im luckier than most...

Ever noticed that no matter how good you get things, you always want just a little more, especially when you are growing up?


"beg beg grovel beg grovel"
"master"
--FSA

"There was an arse there, i couldn't help myself"
--Rougie

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DeepSoulSheep
GOLD Member since Sep 2002

DeepSoulSheep

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Berlin

Total posts: 2617
Posted:I hear your pain. I was wearing a towel with no underwear all day last suday after having a swim.

I never realised how confortable it must be to wear a skirt and no underwear. My girlfriend doesn't really mind but she thinks it may cause problems for me going forward. Maybe a kilt is the answer though.


I live in a world of infinite possibilities.

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Amanita
SILVER Member since Mar 2004

member
Location: Halifax, NS

Total posts: 157
Posted:Mela, I can relate. A short while before I took myCrane training course with the Operating Engineers, I overheard my mom on the phone with my father. According to her, I was "too fat and out of shape" to climb those Tower Cranes.
Practically every crane operator I've repeated that to has found it rediculous. Considering that a fair number of them make me look slim by comparison!

I think my mother's really afraid of something happening to me, becuase my job will involve being at least 100 feet up in the air! I'm not afraid of the long climb up, heights don't bother me. Will it take me a little while to get used to moving around up there? Sure it will. But it takes time to get used to almost anything. Is that a reason to cop out?

The best thing for me to do will be to kick ass and take names when my apprenticeship starts. Don't whine about how I can do it, just DO it and prove her wrong that way.


"Do not meddle in the affairs of Tower Cranes, for you are soft and would look better when squashed by a full concrete bucket"

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DeepSoulSheep
GOLD Member since Sep 2002

DeepSoulSheep

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Berlin

Total posts: 2617
Posted:Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. wink

I live in a world of infinite possibilities.

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