Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:Didn't really know which thread to put this in....I hope it belongs here.

Well I had one of the most screwed up weekends ever...(I am thinking of cancelling the rest of this year and starting next year because this one seems to be all bad luck!).

My best friend lost his boyfriend on the weekend to suicide.

This 35 year old man took his own life with pharmicuetical drugs. The worst thing and the most awful thing is that he knew that my best friend (his boyfriend) was going to be coming over the next morning...and would find him dead.

What I want to know is why would he do that....I mean okay he took his own life...and if he felt that life was so terrible that it was his last resort...fine...I can live with that as much as it cuts me up inside and I don't understand his decision....but why would he ruin someone elses life like that.

Now my best friend is going to have to live with the memory of finding his boyfriend dead on the kitchen table.

I was speaking to him on the weekend...the rest of his friends are watching over him like a hawk because he is so distraught over what has happened everyone is scared what he is going to do to himself.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



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OrangeBobo
OrangeBobo

veteran
Location: Guelph, ON, Canada
Member Since: 21st Nov 2003
Total posts: 1389
Posted:hughughug

I'm so sorry to hear that frown *more huggles* No one should have to go through that, and yet it does happen. Watch over your friend, and try to support him... It'll be tough, for everyone, but it has to happen.

Son't know how much more I can say, but more hugs, and a ear that will listen!

grouphug

~ Bobo


wie weit, wie weit noch?
fragst mich, wo wir gewesen sind...
du fehlst hier

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Shawnie
Captain Shawnie the Dreaded

Member Since: 10th Mar 2004
Total posts: 126
Posted:I am so sorry to hear that.
There are no words I can use that in strenghth match what you are feeling.
grouphug grouphug grouphug grouphug grouphug
hug hug hug hug hug


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Dentrassi
Dentrassi

ZORT!
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 9th Apr 2003
Total posts: 3044
Posted:hug

thats the hardest thing isnt it... not understanding why despite being relatively close to someone.
my uncle gassed himself in the car ten years ago, and even now - after searching through all his letters & papers- we have no idea why he could do such a thing.

take care hug


"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:hug hug grouphug grouphug hug hug grouphug grouphug ubbcrying

-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Gnor
Gnor

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Perth
Member Since: 31st Mar 2003
Total posts: 5814
Posted:hug hug hug hug

Is it the Truth?
Is it Fair to all concerned?
Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?
Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

Im in a lonely battle with the world with a fish to match the chip on my shoulder. Gnu in Binnu in a cnu

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Valura
Valura

Mumma Hen
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Member Since: 25th Apr 2002
Total posts: 6391
Posted:frown grouphug
angel if there is anything I can do, even if its sending out love energy to the situation please let me know.


TAJ "boat mummy." VALURA "yes sweetie you went on a boat, was daddy there with you?" TAJ "no, but monkey on boat" VALURA "well then sweetie, Daddy WAS there with you"

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BurningByron
member
Location: Australia
Member Since: 10th May 2002
Total posts: 340
Posted:Heya sweety,

Sending you warm fuzzies.

With love and light,
Byron


HOW TO FLY 101:
step 1. Throw your self at the ground.
step 2. Miss.

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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:Thanks for all the support. I am a bit confused as to whether I should be sad and crying or angry and wanting to hit something.

I will get over it though...it is my friend who found the person that I am worried about...this is not something he is going to get over in a hurry. In fact I don't think he will ever get over it.



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Dentrassi
Dentrassi

ZORT!
Location: Brisbane
Member Since: 9th Apr 2003
Total posts: 3044
Posted:'get over it' is an interesting expression - because with any death of someone close to you the memories will always remain.



but the pain of the memories will fade with time - with my own experiences, and those of my friends, the most helpful thing i heard was to focus on the positives of a life, rather than the negatives of the death.

talk about him, laugh about silly things he did etc.



but at the moment, as you said everythings buzzing around in your head too fast to know what to do.

there is no 'proper way' to greive -[ though there are the 'stereotypical' 5 stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.]

some people go through these stages, some just get over it and move on. everyones different.



act how you feel you need to, though if you need to hit something, do it to something soft like a cushion.

hug

EDITED_BY: Dentrassi (1083043858)


"Here kitty kitty...." - Schroedinger.

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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:You know what is really getting to me is the fact that only two of my friends have offered any kind of assistance.

I am grieving for a friend and only Jakes and Gnor have offered me a shoulder to cry on if I need it.

I have been too busy most of the weekend comforting my friend to actually cry over this.

When I found out the first thing I did for my best friend was offer him my shoulder which he needed and I would do for anyone in a flash.

But yet only two of my friends have been nice enough to even offer.

It's times like these you really figure out who gives a [censored] and who your real friends are.


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Posted:This is all I can do! hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug frown frown frown frown

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Eera
old hand
Location: In a test pit, Mackay
Member Since: 29th May 2003
Total posts: 1107
Posted:It gets better, trust me on this.

Fours years ago my boyfriend jumped off a bridge. For a long time I could tell you to the hour how long ago it was he died, now I can't remember the exact date.

Your mate's boyfriend will always be part of him, and given time the pain will fade to an ache and he'll only be able to smile when he remembers him.

My love and sympathy goes out to every person whose life this has touched.


There is a slight possibility that I am not actually right all of the time.

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vanize
vanize

Carpal \'Tunnel
Location: Austin, Texas
Member Since: 21st Aug 2001
Total posts: 3899
Posted:as for the not offering assistance thing, in their defence, I can say that I am sure a lot more people would offer but feel like they do not want to invade your privacy. I know this sounds stupid, but the two times I went thru something similar, I found few people outside of the situation really do offer help. I think this is because they don't know what to do and might think you just want to be alone, not because they don't want to help.



Hell, I've been thru crap like this, and I still don't know what I could do besides offer a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear - and I'm a little far away from you for that...



hug


-v-

Wiederstand ist Zwecklos!

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Pink...?
Pink...?

Mistress of Pink...Multicoloured
Location: Over There
Member Since: 6th Apr 2002
Total posts: 6140
Posted:hug hug2 hug2 hug


Never pick up a duck in a dungeon...

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Kit
veteran
Location: middle of Troon
Member Since: 22nd Jan 2004
Total posts: 1269
Posted:i've never gone thro it dunno at all cant relate but hug i can do.. many times over pet


random murbles

BELTANE FIRE FESTIVAL. 30th april ~ Calton hill - Edinburgh
SAMHUINN FESTIVAL. 31st October ~ Royal Mile - Edinburgh

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Rozi
100 characters max...
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Member Since: 11th Jan 2002
Total posts: 2996
Posted:hug I wish there were answers to be given.

No one may ever now what was going through his head. For some people, they don't even fully comprehend that death is final. They want to send a message, a cry for help, when the message that they send won't be heard until it is too late. For others, it seems the only option. And sometimes, they will choose the circumstances to be found by the only people they think will understand.

Whatever it is, the thought process will not be "rational", even though it will have its own weird internal logic. For me, when many years ago I was at that place, the logic said "this is the worst thing you have ever done, and the only course of action from here...". It was such a big thought that it blocked all others from my mind. I became fixated. Fortunately self-preservation & the love of my family kicked in before I became too single minded in intent.

hug Short answer - there may never be a full answer as to why.

hug Longer answer - you all need to take your time to grieve properly. Be angry, be sad, be hurt and be mournful. Stand by one another. Don't let your friend's life be defined by their death.


It was a day for screaming at inanimate objects.

What this calls for is a special mix of psychology and extreme violence...

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Trillian
Trillian

Llamas are larger than frogs.
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Member Since: 28th Feb 2004
Total posts: 319
Posted:hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2 hug2
Lots of love and hope for you and your friend


"I know a good deal more than a boiled carrot."
"Fire!" "Where?" "Nowhere, I was just illustrating the misuse of free speech."

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:Quote:
It's times like these you really figure out who gives a censored and who your real friends are.



Hey, every single person in this thread gives a censored. That's why we posted.

hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug hug

Now, if that's not a shoulder to cry on, then I need to do more push-ups!


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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Lyra
spiny norman
Location: Cincinnati,damn it
Member Since: 24th Feb 2004
Total posts: 314
Posted:besides, friends of yours who also knew this person are probaly dealling with their own anger and sadness, also its hard to understand how to reach out in situations like this, i agree that people who commit suicide often dont understand exactly what they are doing, or at least they dont understand what they are doing to their friends and family, use this anger as positively as you can, as horrible as things like this are, they are also oppurtunities for growth and change, best of love to you and your friends>>>>> hug

if you think that our kiss was all in the lips, come on you got it all wrong man, and if you think that our dance was all in the hips then, oh well, do the twist -The White Stripes

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Ade
Are we there yet?
Location: australia
Member Since: 14th Mar 2001
Total posts: 1897
Posted:Quote:
I am a bit confused as to whether I should be sad and crying or angry and wanting to hit something.





All of those. Dealing with a suicide is difficult, and you will waver between all of those emotions of what ifs, anger, grief, sadness, memories, nothingness and so on

I've lost friends and family to suicide and murder, and anger is definately an emotion that comes with the grief. Years later, I still sometimes get mad frown


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Medusa
Medusa

veteran
Location: 8 days at Cloudbreak, 6 in Per...
Member Since: 25th Nov 2003
Total posts: 1433
Posted:Thanks again for all the support and hugs...they mean heaps to me.

But don't get me wrong...in regards to the friends that know the person I am talking about I don't expect anything from them but to stick together through this.

It is the friends who I have from a different part of my life who I confided in about the death of my friend and they have offered nothing...in fact it feels to me like they are now ignoring me completely.

I understand that people can't deal with death in general and especially in suicide cases but seriously even the offer of a hug or shoulder is better than nothing at all.


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Deimos
Deimos

Cinnamon Girl
Location: Hfx, NS, Canada
Member Since: 22nd Aug 2003
Total posts: 191
Posted:I hate the fact that I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend's mother just recently took her life. I'm still trying to figure it all out. She wrote letters to her children and husband, and even sent them all gifts a few days before.
The best thing to do is let your friend have their freedom, but be wary none the less. Don't try to make them talk about it, but let them know that you're always there.
hug


P*L*U*R

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GottaLoveIt
GottaLoveIt

Sponge
Location: Stevenage
Member Since: 21st Sep 2003
Total posts: 883
Posted:I'm sorry lady, hug hug
Much love grouphug grouphug


Monkeys monkeys and bananas

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Doc Lightning
Doc Lightning

HOP Mad Doctor
Location: San Francisco, CA, USA
Member Since: 28th May 2001
Total posts: 13920
Posted:So: "WHY?"

"Why," indeed.

Oh, I could go off about a bunch of psychiatric mumbo-jumbo about depression. Pounce could, as well. But that's not going to help you. It never helped me when I lost a friend to suicide. It never helped me when I managed to rescue a friend from suicide by flogging the local police and fire department to bust down the door of her hotel room with an axe literally as she was picking up the razor to slit her wrists.

"WHY?" A question without an answer. It's what makes suicide so damned tough. Losing a friend in a car accident or in a war or due to cancer makes more sense, in a way. At least we accept that these things happen to people and that they are an unfortunate part of life. We mourn, we feel pain, we are confused, but there's a reason.

But suicide is such a damned mystery! WHY would a healthy person with everything going for him/her suddenly commit suicide out of a clear blue sky? WHY???

"Why?"


-Mike )'(
Certified Mad Doctor and HoP High Priest of Nutella

"A buckuht 'n a hooze!" -Valura

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FireSpirit
FireSpirit

Classic 90's Fire Dancer... Poi, Staff, Doubles, and Breathing
Location: South Lake Tahoe
Member Since: 29th Mar 2001
Total posts: 743
Posted:I feel for you my friend. hug

One of my good friends found his mother on her bed. She was also my doctor when I was a kid. Everyone in town Loved her and found it realy hard to figure out WHY! She seemed so happy with two nice kids and a loving husband? You never know what people are thinking in there own little worlds though. I feel for my buddy Chris, I can't imagion finding my mother dead on her bed with a fist full of pills. I will always remember her as a gentle kind woman, who I trusted and loved. But as someone said above, Time heals everything.
All I have to say is if you feel the erge to cry do it! Let it all out, for crying is healing, and healing will not start with out crying. You could cry on my sholder if you want to, I would hold you as the time passed, Ive done it before. Stay close to your friend, he will need support as well as alone time. The greaving prosess has many stages, just be there if he needs you.

Stay Strong My Friend,
hug
~Fire Spirit


FIRE IS ALIVE!
IT LIVES AND BREATHS!
IT CONSUMES, AND DISTROYS!
BUT WE CONTROL IT,
AND DANCE WITH FIRE!!

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